AN: Had a sinus infection, which knocked me out. But I am back again Life As We Know It - XXXIII C
“Can—“ She sighed. “Can I talk to Janelle alone?” I glanced up at Triche, who nodded. He signaled the others and they exited, grabbing Sebastian on the way out. “I hid my journal so well, I didn’t think anyone would find it.” “I wouldn’t have found it honestly.” I said. “Remmie, my partner, got me to sit down and rest. Only when I did I noticed the scratches in the floor.” “That bed frame was so heavy even without the bedding.” Chamomile said. “The board under there was perfect though, I could hide everything and not have to worry about it being found.” Her shoulders slumped. “Not that it did me any good.” “Is that why you changed rooms twice?” I asked. “No place to hide your supplies?” Chamomile shook her head. “That’s one reason, but not the main one. No, I wanted to be able to look out the window as I worked and see Metamor Keep.” She smiled at me. “Janelle this city is wonderful and strange. It is a place that changes constantly, it pulses like a living creature! And I-I-“ The words caught in her throat, “And I wanted to destroy it. Oh gods above, I did.” “Metamor is an amazing city.” I said. “I consider it an honor to protect it.” I didn’t say anything judging what Chamomile told me. I didn’t need to. Chamomile’s head drooped now. Her hair looked sallow, her skin blotchy, her clothing a mess but I didn’t see that. I saw her eyes. Her eyes were empty o the spark of joy we all have. What I saw before me sagging on that stool was a woman who was completely broken. As it stood, if we didn’t execute her, she’d do the deed herself. This is what happens when we have no reason to live. “I wish I had known that the first time I came here.” Chamomile said. “Or the first time I marched on the Keep, or was marched or whatever.” She let out a small laugh. “It doesn’t matter anymore. Nothing really matters.” “I disagree.” I said. “You made a mistake, but you tried to fix it. That matters Chamomile.” She shook her head. “I can’t fix this.” Chamomile whispered. “I can’t undo what I’ve done. I betrayed my city, I sold out my loved ones. Do you-do” She swallowed, “Do you know what it’s like to be a coward Janelle?” “I have an idea.” I said. “Yeah yeah, so does everyone.” Chamomile said. “Well I got to experience it first hand. I gave up defending my home. I said what I wanted was order, and maybe it was. The world is so scary sometimes.” “It’s scary most of the time.” I said. “I worry all the time about my son, especially as he grows older. What am I sending him into?” Chamomile nodded. “I wish I’d been braver.” Chamomile said. “I can’t do anything though, I’m nothing but a coward. I-I hoped that I could come here and maybe help Metamor. I couldn’t save my Keep but maybe-“ Chamomile looked up at me. Her hair was pasted to her forehead, slick with sweat. Her eyes sparkled with the hope of the damned. “Maybe I could save your Keep.” “That’s where your thinking went wrong Chamomile.” I said. “Our Keep doesn’t need saving. We’ve been fire blasted in a furnace and rendered harder than iron. Yes, being cursed is horrid, yes it makes people scared of us. But we are stronger for it.” Chamomile nodded. “Stronger sounds wonderful.” Chamomile said. “But I’m not strong. I’ve been tormented for years by what a coward I was. You know, I actually admired Nasoj when I first joined his forces. Crazy right?” “Not really.” I said. “I’ve long since given up trying to understand just why people admire who they do.” Chamomile nodded. “In my case it was because I thought he’d bring stability. I suppose he would have, when you smash everyone who opposes you things tend to be pretty stable.” I smirked at that. “Here’s the thing I learned. When you want stability, peace and control, that’s what you see at the end of the tunnel. You don’t see what it takes to get there.” “Well, to get there would take a mountain of corpses.” I said. “And that’s too high a price.” Chamomile said. “But I stuck it out. I stayed with Nasoj’s forces, in his territories and kept trying to reconcile my guilt. I did that for six…seven? I did it for years. So much time ultimately wasted, all for me to give in anyway.” She laughed. “It was the Yule Assault that broke me. “I didn’t make it the full assault. I was supposed to go with the mercenaries sent to kill George but I…I never met up with them. I doubt they even noticed I was missing, hell I doubt they knew I was supposed to be there. “Instead I followed a random mercenary band because…” Chamomile shrugged, “I don’t know. The mercenaries seemed to alive and happy, compared to their overseer sent by Nasoj.” “And when one of them was hit by an arrow, they were put down like an animal.” I said. Chamomile nodded. “That was on the second day. And that was what broke me.” Chamomile said. “No concern for anyone. Not even for those who supported you. And the most damning of all? It wasn’t me.” She laughed. “I was waiting for death and no one would strike me down.” “So you have to just go on living.” I said. Chamomile nodded. “Sometimes that’s the hardest thing in the world.” “I don’t know what inspired me to come back here and try to break the curse.” Chamomile said. “My life after the assault is just a haze, all I could see were the faces of the dying and I could hear their screams!” She began to hyperventilate. “I can still hear them screaming at me for my betrayal! And I thought maybe I could fix everything.” I sighed. “It doesn’t work like that Chamomile.” I said. “You can’t fix the past sometimes. You just have to live with it, and find a reason to keep living.” “And a lot of success I’ve had there.” Chamomile said. “When I was arrested, I figured I could tell you all what you wanted to hear. Where I’ve been living the last few years, just speaking words in praise of the enemy leads to a quick execution. And that’s all I deserve now.” I didn’t say anything. Chamomile buried her head into her hands and began to sob. “I can’t pass judgement on you.” She looked up. “Not for your past actions at least. But I can tell you this, what you’re hoping for will fix nothing. Trying to get yourself executed will not change the past.” “Yes but nothing will!” Chamomile cried. “You’re right.” I said. “There is no way to change what you’ve done. But killing yourself is just adding another body to the pile. You want to fix things?” I stood up. “Find a reason to live. Find a way to serve. Then live your life.” Chamomile looked back at the ground, unable to respond. “I’m going to send Sebastian from Keep Intelligence in.” I said. “He’ll take you away to be questioned. I’m going to tell him everything and I expect you to do the same.” “I can do that.” Chamomile sighed. “I don’t assume I’ll be executed now anyway.” “I certainly hope not.” I said. “I want to see you live. I want to see you live a long and fruitful life spent serving others. That is how you can work to make up for your past.” The others were all grouped outside the hallway, waiting for me. I closed the door and collapsed against it, sliding down to the floor. “Chamomile is free to go with you whenever you want Sebastian. But first there are a few things you should know.” I explained everything to Sebastian as best I knew, before handing over Chamomile’s journal. “That’s quite interesting.” Sebastian said, closing the journal. “I…huh.” Sebastian looked completely baffled. Scenerios were running behind his eyes, none of them particularly appealing anymore. Every time he tried to speak he froze. Finally, I spoke up. “That woman wants to die. As it stand she may kill herself before the week ends. There is nothing I can do from here on.” “So I see.” Sebastian said. “I’ll still have to take her to be questioned, to verify this isn’t a ruse.” “That’s your right.” Triche said. “I won’t stop you.” I said. “I’ve done my part; I’ve solved the mystery.” Sebastian nodded. “There is no guarantee that we will release her any time soon.” Sebastian said. “Once I take her, she’ll be Intelligences problem.” I shrugged. “I’ve done all I can do.” I said. “My case is closed.”
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