Part two of the jokeathon...enjoy!!

Sime.

Twelve Monks were about to be ordained.
The final test was for them to line
up nude in the garden while a naked woman
danced before them.
Each Monk had a small bell attached to
his penis, and they were told that
anyone whose bell rang would not be
ordained because he had not
reached a state of spiritual purity.
The naked woman danced before the first Monk
candidate, with no reaction. She proceeded down
the line with the
same response until
she got to the final Monk. As she danced,
his bell rang so loudly it
fell off and clattered to the ground.
Embarrassed, he stepped forward and bent
down to pick up the bell, and eleven other
bells began to ring!
*******************************

LOVE
 "Love is an evil trick that nature plays on 
people to get them to breed."
>
> "If love is the answer, could you please 
rephrase the question ?"    -
Lily
> Tomlin.
>
> "Love doesn't make the world go round. Love is 
what makes the ride
> worthwhile."    - Franklin P. Jones.
>
> "Love is an obsessive delusion that is cured by

marriage."    - Dr. Karl
> Bowman.
>
> "Love is an ocean of emotions entirely 
surrounded by expenses."    - Lord
> Dewar.
>
> "Love is being stupid together."    - Paul 
Valery (1871-1945).
>
> "Love is the delightful interval between 
meeting a beautiful girl and
> discovering that she looks like a haddock."    
- John Barrymore.
>
> "Love is the delusion that one woman differs 
from another."    - H. L.
> Mencken (1880-1956).
>
> "Sex alleviates tension.  Love causes it."
>
> "Love: Two minds without a single thought."    
- Philip Barry.
>
> "How can I love you if you won't lie down ?"
>
> "Where does the family start ?   It starts with

a young man falling in
love
> with a girl - no superior alternative has yet 
been found."    - Winston
> Churchill.
>
> "My girlfriend told me I should be more 
affectionate. So I got two
> girlfriends."
>
> "Some say, 'Love means never having to say 
you're sorry'.  To me, love
means
> never having to hear, 'Where's my friggin' 
rent, you lazy bastard ?!' in
the
> first place."    - John Crocker.
>
> "Never let a kiss fool you, and never let a 
fool kiss you."
>
> "One good thing about internet dating: you're 
guaranteed to click with
> whomever you meet."    - Mongo.
>
> "Christianity has done a great deal for love by

making a sin of it."    -
> Anatole France (1844-1924) French writer. Le 
Jardin d'Epicure.
>
> "Tis better to have loved and lost than to live

with that bitch/bastard
for
> the rest of your life."    - D.C. Moore.
>
> "'The whole world loves a lover' is an 
interesting theory, but a very bad
> legal defense."    - Keith Sullivan
>
>
> SEX
>
> "The sex was so good that even the neighbors 
had a cigarette."
>
> "You know, if you smoke after having sex, 
you're doing it WAY too fast..."
>
> "Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults 
enjoy adultery ?"
>
> "Love is a matter of chemistry, but sex is a 
matter of physics."
>
> "Sex without love is an empty experience, but, 
as empty experiences go,
it's
> one of the best."    - Woody Allen.
>
> "Sex is a beautiful thing between two people.  
Among five, it's fantastic
>    - Woody Allen.
> "Kinky is using a feather - Perverted is using 
the whole chicken"
>
> "One half of the world cannot understand the 
pleasures of the other."    -
> Jane Austen (1775-1817)
>
> "Oral Sex: the taste of things to come."
>
> "The big difference between sex for money and 
sex for free is that sex for
> money usually costs a lot less."    - Brendan 
Francis.
>
> "I remember my first sexual encounter because I

kept the recipe."    -
Jeff
> Dahmer.
>
> "I think there are two areas where new ideas 
are terribly dangerous:
> economics and sex. By and large, it's all been 
tried, and if it's really
> new, it's probably illegal, dangerous or 
unhealthy."    - Felix G.
Rohatyn.
>
> "If God had meant us to have group sex, he'd 
have given us more
> ans."    - Malcolm Bradbury.
>
> "If it weren't for pickpockets I'd have no sex 
life at all."    - Rodney
> Dangerfield.
>
> "No two sexes are alike."    - B.C.
>
> "Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had 
it, chances are you won't
> either."    - Joseph Fischer.
> "The pleasure is momentary, the position 
ridiculous and the expense
> damnable."    - Earl of Chesterfield.
>
> "Sex is natural, but not if it's done right."
>
> "Remember: Anal sex is just like vaginal sex, 
except afterwards your cock
> may have shit on it."
>
> "If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come 
there are so many books on
> how to ?"    - Bette Midler.
>
> "If God had wanted people to give blow jobs, he

wouldn't have given them
> teeth."
>
> "The orgasm has replaced the Cross as the focus

of longing and the image
of
> fulfillment."    - Malcolm Muggeridge.
>
> "I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I can make 
your bed rock."
>
> "Tell him I've been too fucking busy - or vice 
versa."    - Dorothy
Parker.
>
> "I once knew a woman who offered her honor
> So I honored her offer
> And all night long I was on her and off her."
>
> "Why is it that when a man talks dirty to a 
woman, it's sexual harassment,
> but when a woman talks dirty to a man, it's 
$3.95/minute ?"
>
> "You know the worst thing about oral sex ? The 
view."    - Maureen Lipman.
>
> "Sex is like pizza, even if it's done bad, it's

still good."
>
> "Sex is like air; it's not important unless you

aren't getting any."
>
> "Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. 
"Yes" is the answer."
>
> "There are many ways to say 'I Love You' but 
Fucking is the fastest."
>
> "If all the young ladies who attended the Yale 
promenade dance were laid
end
> to end, no one would be the least surprised."  
 
- Dorothy Parker.
>
> "It doesn't matter what you do in the bedroom 
as long as you don't do it
in
> the street and frighten the horses."    - Mrs. 
Patrick Campbell.
>
> "Mary had a little lamb. That's what she gets 
for sleeping in the barn..."
>
> "Q: What's the difference between a hamster and

a turtle ?
> A: With a turtle you don't need duct tape..."
>
> "Bend over, I'll drive."    - Bumper sticker.
>
> "Sex on television can't hurt you unless you 
fall off."    - Bumper
sticker.
>
> "The difference between pornography and erotica

is lighting."    - Gloria
> Leonard
>
> "When authorities warn you of the sinfulness of

sex, there is an important
> lesson to be learned. Do not have sex with the 
authorities."    - Matt
> Groening, from "Basic Sex Facts For Today's 
Youngfolk" in Life In Hell.
>
> "If homosexuality were normal, God would have 
created Adam and
ce."    -
> Anita Bryant.
>
> "Every time you sleep with a boy, you sleep 
with all his old
> lfriends."    - Government advert warning about

AIDS, 1987.
>
> "Of all sexual aberrations, chastity is the 
strangest."    - Jacques
Anatole
> Thibault.
>
> "The only unnatural sex act is one which you 
cannot perform."    - Alfred
> Kinsey.
>
> "Big doesn't necessarily mean better... 
Sunflowers aren't better than
> violets."
>
> "Size matters not."    - Yoda
> "Size matters."    - Godzilla
>
> "Whether a long one or a thick one it matters 
not, as long as it satisfies
> in abundance !"    - Islamic proverb.
>
> "Murder is a crime. Describing Murder is not. 
Sex is not a crime.
Describing
> sex is."    - Gershon Legman.
>
> "Act your age, not your size."
>
> "It's not how you fish, it's how you wiggle 
your worm."
>
> "A thousand million flies can't be wrong - eat 
shit."
>
> "I bet the people of Gomorrah felt like they 
got the short end of the
stick.
> After all, they didn't get a perversion named 
after them."    - Mike
Miles.
>
> "Be creative: invent a perversion."
>
> "I believe that sex is one of the most 
beautiful, natural, wholesome
things
> that money can buy."
>
> "An erection is like the Theory of Relativity -

the more you think about
it,
> the harder it gets."
>
> "Buggery is boring.
> Incest is relatively boring.
> Necrophilia is dead boring."
>
> "What is wrong with a little incest ?   It is 
both handy and cheap."
>
> "If you think sex is a pain in the ass, try a 
different position."
>
> "My brain, my second best organ..."
>
> "To go together is blessed, to come together is

divine !"
>
> "If you're not into oral sex, keep your mouth 
shut !"    - Helmet sticker.
>
> "College is like a woman; you work so hard to 
get in, and nine months
later
> you wish you'd never come."
>
> "The man who said "A bird in the hand's worth 
two in the bush" has been
> putting his bird in the wrong bushes."
>
> "I'd like to meet the man who invented sex and 
see what he's working on
> now."
>
> "I think I could fall madly in bed with you..."
>
> "I have an incredible sex drive... my 
girlfriend lives 200 miles away !"
>
> "The word today is Legs... Spread the word."
>
> "A mistress comes between a mister and his 
mattress."
>
> "Writing is like prostitution. First you do it 
for love, and then for a
few
> close friends, and then for money."    - 
Moliere
>
>
> MASTURBATION
>
> "Don't knock Masturbation, it's sex with 
someone you love !"    - Woody
> Allen in Annie Hall.
>
> "The difference between sex and death is, death

you can do alone and
nobody
> laughs at you."    - Woody Allen.
>
> "Woman: - You are the greatest lover I have 
ever known.
> Woody Allen: - Well, I practice a lot when I'm 
on my own."
>
> "If you don't enjoy masturbation, you only have

yourself to blame."
>
> "Sex is like anything else; if you want it done

right you have to do it
> yourself."
>
> "One orgasm in the bush is worth two in the 
hand."    - Robert Reisner.
>
> "Masturbation: the primary sexual activity of 
mankind. In the nineteenth
> century it was a disease; in the twentieth, 
it's a cure."    - Thomas
Szasz.
>
> "Nothing is better than sex.
> Masturbation is better than nothing.
> Therefore, masturbation is better than sex."
>
> "And we were poor too. Why if I wasn't born a 
boy, I'd have had nothing to
> play with."    - Rodney Dangerfield.
>
> "The good thing about masturbation is that you 
don't have to dress up for
> it."    - Truman Capote.
>
> "My schoolmates would make love to anything 
that moved, but I never saw
any
> reason to limit myself."    - Emo Philips.
>
> "If sex is so personal, why do we have to share

it with someone ?"
>
> "It is called in our schools 'beastliness', and

this is about the best
name
> for it... should it become a habit it quickly 
destroys both health and
> spirits; he becomes feeble in body and mind, 
and often ends in a lunatic
> asylum."    - Robert Baden-Powell, British 
soldier and founder of the Boy
> Scouts, referring to masturbation.
>
> "I'll come and make love to you at five 
o'clock. If I'm late start without
> me."    - Tallulah Bankhead.
>
> "What do you call a tall guy who can masturbate

10 times in a single day ?
> No, it's not a joke, I really need to know, 
because I want to put it on my
> resume."    - Damon R. Milhem.
>
> "Compulsive masturbator on board... check your 
windshield wipers."    -
> Bumper sticker.
>
> "To all virgins........ thanks for nothin'."   

- Bumper sticker.
>
> "- Stop that son, you'll go blind !
> - I'm over here dad..."
>
> "Last night, I finally realized a longtime 
fantasy... I came all over my
> girlfriend's face. Man, was she pissed when she

woke up..."
>
> "As I fill out the job application and get to 
the part about 'Sex: F or
M',
> I never know which to choose - I really like to

'F', but spend most of the
> time alone 'M'-ing."    - Tony J. Podrasky.
>
> "It's important to pay close attention in 
school - for years I thought
that
> bears masturbated all winter."    - Damon R. 
Milhem.
>
> "The trouble with my sex life is that it too 
often takes place with just
one
> consenting adult."
>
> "The new 'Cindy Crawford Workout Video' is 
bloody marvelous. I've only had
> it a fortnight and I've already got a right arm

like Arnold
Schwarzenegger."
>
> "If masturbation makes you deaf, fellatio makes

you mute, at least until
you
> finish it."
>
> "I don't know why I did it, I don't know why I 
enjoyed it, and I don't
know
> why I'll do it again."    - Bart Simpson
>
> "The difference between light and hard is that 
you can sleep with a light
> on."
>
> "Life is like a penis: when it's soft you can't

beat it, and when it's
hard
> you get fucked."
>
> "Sex is like a bridge game; if you have a good 
hand no partner is needed."
>
> "We have reason to believe that man first 
walked upright to free his hands
> for masturbation."    - Lilly Tomlin
>
>
> MARRIAGE
>
> "The secret of a happy marriage remains a 
secret."    - Henny Youngman.
>
> "Marriage is a wonderful invention; but, then 
again, so is a bicycle
repair
> kit."    - Billy Connolly.
**************************************
> "A woman asked her husband to go to the video 
store and get 'Scent of a
> Woman'. Her husband came back with a 'Fish 
Called Wanda'."
>
> "The phrase 'rule of thumb' is derived from and

old English law which
stated
> that you couldn't beat your wife with anything 
wider than your thumb."
>
> "There's only two things about me that my wife 
doesn't care for:
> 1) everything I say, and
> 2) everything I do."
>
> "Why do married men gain weight while bachelors

don't ?
> Bachelors go to the refrigerator, see nothing 
they want, then go to bed.
> Married guys go to the bed, see nothing they 
want, then go to the
> refrigerator."
>
> "Q: Why do men usually die before their wives ?
> A: Because they want to."
>
> "A bachelor is a man who never makes the same 
mistake once."
>
> "Any married man should forget his mistakes, 
there's no use in two people
> remembering the same thing."
>
> A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much

does it cost to get
> married?"
> And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm 
still paying".
>
> Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in 
some parts of Africa a man
> doesn't know his wife until he marries her ?"
> Dad: "That happens in every country, son."
>
> "They say that breaking up is hard to do - but 
it's much easier with a
> restraining order and a rottweiler."    - 
Dakota Shepard.
>
> "I never knew what real happiness was until I 
got married; and then it was
> too late."
>
> After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, 
"You know, I was a fool when
I
> married you."
> The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in 
love and didn't notice."
>
> "It is a woman's business to get married as 
soon as possible, and a man's
to
> keep unmarried as long as he can."    - George 
Bernard Shaw (1856-1950),
> Irish dramatist and critic.
>
> "For anyone who may not know this:  when the 
preacher says, 'You may now
> kiss the bride', he's only speaking to the 
groom."    - David Gunter.
>
> "If you don't beat your wife every three days, 
she'll start tearing up
roof
> tiles."    - Chinese saying.
> "Make love, not war. I'm married, I do both."
>
> "Bigamy ? It's having one wife too much...
> ...Monogamy ? It's the same."    - Oscar Wilde.
>
> "Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds can 
get you shot."
>
> "Love may be blind but marriage is a real 
eye-opener !"
>
> "My husband and I married for better or worse -

He couldn't do better and
I
> couldn't do worse."
>
> "You never truly know a woman 'til you meet her

in court."
>
> "An archaeologist is the best husband any woman

can have: the older she
> gets, the more interested he is in her."    - 
Agatha Christie (1891-1976),
> British detective-story writer.
>
> "Life is a bitch, then you marry one."
>
> "The most common form of marriage proposal: 
'YOU'RE WHAT ?'"
>
> "My wife and I were happy for twenty years. 
Then we met."    - Rodney
> Dangerfield.
>
> "A man in love is incomplete until he is 
married. Then he is
ished."    -
> Zsa Zsa Gabor.
>
> "I think weddings are sadder than funerals, 
because they remind you of
your
> own wedding. You can't be reminded of your own 
funeral because it hasn't
> happened. But weddings always make me cry."    
- Brendan Behan (1923-64)
> Irish playwright.
>
> "Ah, yes, 'divorce'. From the Latin for 'having

your genitals torn off
> through your wallet'."    - Robin Williams.
>
> "My wife and I are inseparable. In fact, last 
week it took four state
> troopers and a dog."
>
> "Q: Do you know the punishment for bigamy ?
> A: Two Mothers-in-law."
>
> First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel !"
> Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
>
> "How do most men define marriage ?
> An expensive way to get laundry done for free."
>
> "Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he

loves.
> After marriage, the 'Y' becomes silent."
>
> "Three rings of marriage: The engagement ring, 
the wedding ring, and the
> suffering."
>
> "I was married by a judge. I should have asked 
for a jury."    - George
> Burns.
>
> "The most effective way to remember your wife's

birthday is to forget it
> once."
>
> "Bachelors know more about women than married 
men. If they didn't, they be
> married too."    - H. L. Mencken.
>
> In California, there's a 6-month waiting period

for filing for divorce,
but
> only a 15-day waiting period for buying a 
handgun. It's nice to know the
> government is giving us advice on how to work 
out our problems."    - Matt
> Sullivan.
>
> "Getting married is very much like going to a 
restaurant with friends. You
> order what you want, then when you see what the

other fellow has, you wish
> you had ordered that."
>
> "If you want to read about love and marriage, 
you've got to buy two
separate
> books."    - Alan King.
>
> "I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I 
leave a man, I keep his
> se."    - Zsa Zsa Gabor.
>
> "Many a man owes his success to his first wife 
and his second wife to his
> success."    - Jim Backus.
>
> "It is best for ordinary men to have only one 
wife !"    - Emperor Akbar
the
> Great of India (1542-1605) who had 300 wives 
and 5000 concubines.
>
> "Where there is marriage without love, there 
will be love without
> riage."    - Benjamin Franklin (1706-1790)
>
> "Marriage is like a bank account. You put it 
in, you take it out, you lose
> interest."    - Professor Irwin Corey.
>
> "Marriage is like a phone call in the night: 
first the ring, and then you
> wake up."    - Evelyn Hendrickson.
>
> "Marriage is really tough because you have to 
deal with feelings and
> lawyers."    - Richard Pryor.
>
> "Marriage resembles a pair of shears, so joined

that they cannot be
> separated; often moving in opposite directions,

yet always punishing
anyone
> who comes between them."    - Sydney Smith.
>
> "Adam & Eve had an ideal marriage. He didn't 
have to hear about all the
men
> she could have married... and she didn't have 
to hear about how well his
> Mother cooked."
>
> "My wife has cut our lovemaking down to once a 
month, but I know two guys
> she's cut out entirely."    - Rodney 
Dangerfield.
>
> "My wife was in labor with our first child for 
thirty-two hours and I was
> faithful to her the whole time."    - Jonathan 
Katz.
>
> "Q: What food sucks 90% of the sex drive from a

woman ?
> A: The wedding cake."
>
> "They say that 50% of all marriages end in 
divorce. That's not as bad as
it
> sounds, considering that the other 50% end in 
death."
>
> "By all means marry. If you get a good wife, 
you'll be happy. If you get a
> bad one, you'll become a philosopher."    - 
Socrates.
>
> "I still miss my Ex, but my aim is getting 
better"    - Bumper sticker.
>
>
> MEN BASHING
>
> "Few women admit their age...
> ...Fewer men act it."    - Bumper sticker.
>
> "Women who seek to be equal to men lack 
ambition."    - Bumper sticker.
>
> "Bart, a woman is like a beer. They look good, 
they smell good, and you'd
> step over your own mother just to get one ! 
(chugs beer)"    - Homer
> Simpson.
>
> "Why does Mike Tyson cry after sex ?
> ...Pepper spray will do that to you."
>
> "When a man says it's a silly, childish game, 
it's probably something his
> wife can beat him at."    - Epperson's law
>
> "The average woman would rather have beauty 
than brains, because the
average
> man can see better than he can think."
>
> "Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew 
that if her life was a movie
> this guy would be buried in the credits as 
something like 'Second Tall
> Man'."
>
> "I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable."
>
> "Not all men are annoying. Some are dead."
>
> "Give a man a free hand and he'll run it all 
over you."    - Mae West
> (1892-1980).
>
> "You know the movie you're watching is a 'chick

flick' if you wake up and
> your wife is crying."    - Rick Oie
>
> "It takes a woman twenty years to make a man of

her son, and another woman
> twenty minutes to make a fool of him."    - 
Helen Rowland.
>
> "Any woman that thinks the way to a man's heart

is through his stomach is
> aiming just a little too high."
>
> "Men only have two faults: Everything they say 
and everything they do."
>
> "Knowing what I do now about women, if I could 
just travel back in time to
> when I was 16 years old, I bet I would have 
gotten laid by now."    - Ed
> Smith.
>
> "There is so little difference between 
husbands, you might as well keep
the
> first."    - Adela Rogers St. John.
>
> "Outside every thin woman is a fat man trying 
to get in."    - Katherine
> Whitehorn.
>
> "Men are like small children. You bring a new 
one home and the ones
already
> there resent it."
>
> "If Adam had had a real hairy back, we probably

wouldn't be here
> ay."    - Dave Henry.
>
> "Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder..."
>
> "Husbands are like fires; they go out when 
unattended."    - Zsa Zsa
Gabor.
>
> "It's not that chocolates are a substitute for 
love. Love is a substitute
> for chocolate. Let's face it, chocolate is much

more reliable than any
man."
>
> "I'd like to get married because I like the 
idea of a man being required
by
> law to sleep with me every night."    - Carrie 
Snow.
>
> "Women need a reason to have sex - Men just 
need a place."
>
> One day, God calls on Adam & says, "Adam, I 
have some good news and some
bad
> news ! The good news is that I gave you a penis

and a brain. The bad news
is
> that I only gave you enough blood to operate 
one organ at a time."
>
> "God made Adam before Eve because you always 
make a rough draft before the
> final copy."
>
> "I doubt whether any girl would be satisfied 
with her lover's mind if she
> knew the whole of it."    - Anthony Trollope 
(1815-82) British novelist.
>
> "Men are like fine wine - they all start out 
like grapes, and it's our job
> to stomp on them and keep them in the dark 
until they mature into
something
> we'd like to have dinner with."    - Anonymous.
>
> "Women will never be equal to men until they 
can walk down the street bald
> and still think they are beautiful !"
>
> "A man is driving down a steep, narrow mountain

road. A woman is driving
up
> the same road. As they pass each other the 
woman leans out the window and
> yells: 'PIG!!'. The man immediately leans out 
his window and replies:
> 'BITCH!!'. They each continue on their way, and

as the man rounds the next
> corner, he crashes into a pig in the middle of 
the road."    - Bob Castro.
>
> "A man who is old enough to know better is 
always on the look out for a
girl
> who doesn't."
>
> "Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men 
would go through life
thinking
> they had no faults at all."
>
> "When I first met my girlfriend, she asked me 
what I wanted in a woman.
She
> pretended to be irritated when I said, 'My 
dick'."
>
> "I have great sex with my girlfriend. She's 
very vocal, and most of it
> really turns me on. I love it when she screams,

'Harder!', I love it when
> she screams, 'Faster!'. The only problem I have

is when she screams,
> 'Deeper!'."
>
> "The game women play is men."    - Adam Smith
>
> "A woman tries to get all she can out of a man,

and a man tries to get all
> he can into a woman."    - Isaac Goldberg
>
> "If you keep the sexual harassment complaint 
forms in the bottom drawer,
> then you'll get a great view of the women's 
butts when they get one out !"
>
> "When sending your wife down the road with a 
gas can, it is impolite to
ask
> her to bring back beer."
>
> "Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger 
is involved."
>
> "Men - You can't live with 'em, and they only 
bleed when you whip 'em."
>
> "When you consider what a chance women have to 
poison their husbands, it's
a
> wonder there isn't more of it done."    - Kin 
Hubbard.
>
> "Men will confess to treason, murder, arson, 
false teeth, or a wig. How
many
> of them will own up to a lack of humour ?"    -

Frank More Colby
> (1865-1925), US editor.
>
> "The trouble with some women is that they get 
excited about nothing - then
> marry him."
>
> Guy, naked in front of the mirror: 'Two inches 
more, and I would be king'
> Wife: 'Two inches less, and you'd be queen'
>
> Husband: "I don't know why you wear a bra, 
you've got nothing to put in
it".
> Wife: "You wear briefs, don't you ?"
>
> "Eighty percent of married men cheat in 
America. The rest cheat in
Europe."
>
> At the cocktail party, one woman asked another,

"Aren't you wearing your
> wedding ring on the wrong finger ?"
> The other replied, "Yes, I am, I married the 
wrong man".
>
> "I've never understood why women love cats. 
Cats are independent, they
don't
> listen, they don't come in when you call, they 
like to stay out all night,
> and when they're home they like to be left 
alone and sleep. In other
words,
> every quality that women hate in a man, they 
love in a cat."
> "Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men,

the other 999 follow
> en."    - Groucho Marx.
>
> "I know I must be really good in bed, 'cause 
women always ask me if
there's
> any possible way I could make it last longer." 
  
- Bill Hewins
>
> "Who needs a husband ?
> My dog growls at me every morning, my parrot 
swears all afternoon, my
> fireplace smokes a lot, my cat slinks home in 
the early morning hours, and
I
> have a physician who looks me over regularly."
>
> "- Mommy mommy, what's an orgasm ?
> - I don't know, ask your father."
>
> "- Mummy, where do babies come from ?
> - The stork, dear.
> - Mummy, who keeps bad people from robbing our 
house ?
> - The police, dear.
> - Mummy, if our house was on fire, who would 
save us ?
> - The fire department, dear.
> - Mummy, where does food come from ?
> - Farmers, dear.
> - Mummy ?
> - Yes, dear ?
> - What do we need Daddy for ?"
>
> It's the morning after the honeymoon, and the 
wife says 'You know, you're
> really a lousy lover'.
> To which the husband replies 'How can you tell 
after only 30 seconds ?'
>
> "Well, what you lack in size, you make up for 
in speed..."
>
> "Word to the wise: Women want men with flat 
stomachs and fat wallets. My
sex
> life still hasn't recovered from getting it 
backwards."    - Derek
Cockram.
>
> "How to impress a woman ?
> Compliment her, cuddle her, kiss her, caress 
her, love her, stroke her,
> tease her, comfort her, protect her, hug her, 
hold her, spend money on
her,
> wine and dine her, buy things for her, listen 
to her, care for her, stand
by
> her, support her, buy flowers for her, go to 
the ends of the earth for
> her...
> How to impress a man ?
> Show up naked. Bring beer."
>
> "You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, 
but you hardly ever see a
> smart woman with a dumb guy."    - Erica Jong.
>
> "This guy says, 'I'm perfect for you, 'cause 
I'm a cross between a macho
and
> a sensitive man'. I said, 'Oh, a gay trucker 
?'"    - Judy Tenuta.
>
> "Word to the wise for men: Although meant as a 
compliment, 'You make love
> like a pro' isn't always received as such."    
- Derek Cockram.
>
> "If high heels were so wonderful, men would be 
wearing them."    - Sue
> Grafton.
>
> "When women are depressed they either eat or go

shopping. Men invade
another
> country."    - Elayne Boosler.
>
> "If men can run the world, why can't they stop 
wearing neckties? How
> intelligent is it to start the day by tying a 
little noose around your
neck
> ?"    - Linda Ellerbee.
>
> Man: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful 
?"
> God: "So you would love her."
> Man: "But God, why did you make her so dumb ?"
> God: "So she would love you."
>
> "Diamonds are a girl's best friends.
> Dogs are man's best friend.
> So which is the dumber sex ?"
>
> "The only thing worse than women are women who 
tell me I'm a
> ogynist."    - John Avery.
>
> "Single women complain that all good men are 
married, while all married
> women complain about their lousy husbands. This

confirms that there is no
> such thing as a good man."
>
> "I'm married, but I don't wear a wedding ring 
because I've found that it
> tends to give women the impression that I'm 
unavailable."    - Bill Muse.



=====
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...LOVE is the answer"

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