Part two of the jokeathon...enjoy!! Sime.
Twelve Monks were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up nude in the garden while a naked woman danced before them. Each Monk had a small bell attached to his penis, and they were told that anyone whose bell rang would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity. The naked woman danced before the first Monk candidate, with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response until she got to the final Monk. As she danced, his bell rang so loudly it fell off and clattered to the ground. Embarrassed, he stepped forward and bent down to pick up the bell, and eleven other bells began to ring! ******************************* LOVE "Love is an evil trick that nature plays on people to get them to breed." > > "If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question ?" - Lily > Tomlin. > > "Love doesn't make the world go round. Love is what makes the ride > worthwhile." - Franklin P. Jones. > > "Love is an obsessive delusion that is cured by marriage." - Dr. Karl > Bowman. > > "Love is an ocean of emotions entirely surrounded by expenses." - Lord > Dewar. > > "Love is being stupid together." - Paul Valery (1871-1945). > > "Love is the delightful interval between meeting a beautiful girl and > discovering that she looks like a haddock." - John Barrymore. > > "Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another." - H. L. > Mencken (1880-1956). > > "Sex alleviates tension. Love causes it." > > "Love: Two minds without a single thought." - Philip Barry. > > "How can I love you if you won't lie down ?" > > "Where does the family start ? It starts with a young man falling in love > with a girl - no superior alternative has yet been found." - Winston > Churchill. > > "My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two > girlfriends." > > "Some say, 'Love means never having to say you're sorry'. To me, love means > never having to hear, 'Where's my friggin' rent, you lazy bastard ?!' in the > first place." - John Crocker. > > "Never let a kiss fool you, and never let a fool kiss you." > > "One good thing about internet dating: you're guaranteed to click with > whomever you meet." - Mongo. > > "Christianity has done a great deal for love by making a sin of it." - > Anatole France (1844-1924) French writer. Le Jardin d'Epicure. > > "Tis better to have loved and lost than to live with that bitch/bastard for > the rest of your life." - D.C. Moore. > > "'The whole world loves a lover' is an interesting theory, but a very bad > legal defense." - Keith Sullivan > > > SEX > > "The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette." > > "You know, if you smoke after having sex, you're doing it WAY too fast..." > > "Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery ?" > > "Love is a matter of chemistry, but sex is a matter of physics." > > "Sex without love is an empty experience, but, as empty experiences go, it's > one of the best." - Woody Allen. > > "Sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Among five, it's fantastic > - Woody Allen. > "Kinky is using a feather - Perverted is using the whole chicken" > > "One half of the world cannot understand the pleasures of the other." - > Jane Austen (1775-1817) > > "Oral Sex: the taste of things to come." > > "The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for > money usually costs a lot less." - Brendan Francis. > > "I remember my first sexual encounter because I kept the recipe." - Jeff > Dahmer. > > "I think there are two areas where new ideas are terribly dangerous: > economics and sex. By and large, it's all been tried, and if it's really > new, it's probably illegal, dangerous or unhealthy." - Felix G. Rohatyn. > > "If God had meant us to have group sex, he'd have given us more > ans." - Malcolm Bradbury. > > "If it weren't for pickpockets I'd have no sex life at all." - Rodney > Dangerfield. > > "No two sexes are alike." - B.C. > > "Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you won't > either." - Joseph Fischer. > "The pleasure is momentary, the position ridiculous and the expense > damnable." - Earl of Chesterfield. > > "Sex is natural, but not if it's done right." > > "Remember: Anal sex is just like vaginal sex, except afterwards your cock > may have shit on it." > > "If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many books on > how to ?" - Bette Midler. > > "If God had wanted people to give blow jobs, he wouldn't have given them > teeth." > > "The orgasm has replaced the Cross as the focus of longing and the image of > fulfillment." - Malcolm Muggeridge. > > "I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I can make your bed rock." > > "Tell him I've been too fucking busy - or vice versa." - Dorothy Parker. > > "I once knew a woman who offered her honor > So I honored her offer > And all night long I was on her and off her." > > "Why is it that when a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment, > but when a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95/minute ?" > > "You know the worst thing about oral sex ? The view." - Maureen Lipman. > > "Sex is like pizza, even if it's done bad, it's still good." > > "Sex is like air; it's not important unless you aren't getting any." > > "Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer." > > "There are many ways to say 'I Love You' but Fucking is the fastest." > > "If all the young ladies who attended the Yale promenade dance were laid end > to end, no one would be the least surprised." - Dorothy Parker. > > "It doesn't matter what you do in the bedroom as long as you don't do it in > the street and frighten the horses." - Mrs. Patrick Campbell. > > "Mary had a little lamb. That's what she gets for sleeping in the barn..." > > "Q: What's the difference between a hamster and a turtle ? > A: With a turtle you don't need duct tape..." > > "Bend over, I'll drive." - Bumper sticker. > > "Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off." - Bumper sticker. > > "The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting." - Gloria > Leonard > > "When authorities warn you of the sinfulness of sex, there is an important > lesson to be learned. Do not have sex with the authorities." - Matt > Groening, from "Basic Sex Facts For Today's Youngfolk" in Life In Hell. > > "If homosexuality were normal, God would have created Adam and ce." - > Anita Bryant. > > "Every time you sleep with a boy, you sleep with all his old > lfriends." - Government advert warning about AIDS, 1987. > > "Of all sexual aberrations, chastity is the strangest." - Jacques Anatole > Thibault. > > "The only unnatural sex act is one which you cannot perform." - Alfred > Kinsey. > > "Big doesn't necessarily mean better... Sunflowers aren't better than > violets." > > "Size matters not." - Yoda > "Size matters." - Godzilla > > "Whether a long one or a thick one it matters not, as long as it satisfies > in abundance !" - Islamic proverb. > > "Murder is a crime. Describing Murder is not. Sex is not a crime. Describing > sex is." - Gershon Legman. > > "Act your age, not your size." > > "It's not how you fish, it's how you wiggle your worm." > > "A thousand million flies can't be wrong - eat shit." > > "I bet the people of Gomorrah felt like they got the short end of the stick. > After all, they didn't get a perversion named after them." - Mike Miles. > > "Be creative: invent a perversion." > > "I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things > that money can buy." > > "An erection is like the Theory of Relativity - the more you think about it, > the harder it gets." > > "Buggery is boring. > Incest is relatively boring. > Necrophilia is dead boring." > > "What is wrong with a little incest ? It is both handy and cheap." > > "If you think sex is a pain in the ass, try a different position." > > "My brain, my second best organ..." > > "To go together is blessed, to come together is divine !" > > "If you're not into oral sex, keep your mouth shut !" - Helmet sticker. > > "College is like a woman; you work so hard to get in, and nine months later > you wish you'd never come." > > "The man who said "A bird in the hand's worth two in the bush" has been > putting his bird in the wrong bushes." > > "I'd like to meet the man who invented sex and see what he's working on > now." > > "I think I could fall madly in bed with you..." > > "I have an incredible sex drive... my girlfriend lives 200 miles away !" > > "The word today is Legs... Spread the word." > > "A mistress comes between a mister and his mattress." > > "Writing is like prostitution. First you do it for love, and then for a few > close friends, and then for money." - Moliere > > > MASTURBATION > > "Don't knock Masturbation, it's sex with someone you love !" - Woody > Allen in Annie Hall. > > "The difference between sex and death is, death you can do alone and nobody > laughs at you." - Woody Allen. > > "Woman: - You are the greatest lover I have ever known. > Woody Allen: - Well, I practice a lot when I'm on my own." > > "If you don't enjoy masturbation, you only have yourself to blame." > > "Sex is like anything else; if you want it done right you have to do it > yourself." > > "One orgasm in the bush is worth two in the hand." - Robert Reisner. > > "Masturbation: the primary sexual activity of mankind. In the nineteenth > century it was a disease; in the twentieth, it's a cure." - Thomas Szasz. > > "Nothing is better than sex. > Masturbation is better than nothing. > Therefore, masturbation is better than sex." > > "And we were poor too. Why if I wasn't born a boy, I'd have had nothing to > play with." - Rodney Dangerfield. > > "The good thing about masturbation is that you don't have to dress up for > it." - Truman Capote. > > "My schoolmates would make love to anything that moved, but I never saw any > reason to limit myself." - Emo Philips. > > "If sex is so personal, why do we have to share it with someone ?" > > "It is called in our schools 'beastliness', and this is about the best name > for it... should it become a habit it quickly destroys both health and > spirits; he becomes feeble in body and mind, and often ends in a lunatic > asylum." - Robert Baden-Powell, British soldier and founder of the Boy > Scouts, referring to masturbation. > > "I'll come and make love to you at five o'clock. If I'm late start without > me." - Tallulah Bankhead. > > "What do you call a tall guy who can masturbate 10 times in a single day ? > No, it's not a joke, I really need to know, because I want to put it on my > resume." - Damon R. Milhem. > > "Compulsive masturbator on board... check your windshield wipers." - > Bumper sticker. > > "To all virgins........ thanks for nothin'." - Bumper sticker. > > "- Stop that son, you'll go blind ! > - I'm over here dad..." > > "Last night, I finally realized a longtime fantasy... I came all over my > girlfriend's face. Man, was she pissed when she woke up..." > > "As I fill out the job application and get to the part about 'Sex: F or M', > I never know which to choose - I really like to 'F', but spend most of the > time alone 'M'-ing." - Tony J. Podrasky. > > "It's important to pay close attention in school - for years I thought that > bears masturbated all winter." - Damon R. Milhem. > > "The trouble with my sex life is that it too often takes place with just one > consenting adult." > > "The new 'Cindy Crawford Workout Video' is bloody marvelous. I've only had > it a fortnight and I've already got a right arm like Arnold Schwarzenegger." > > "If masturbation makes you deaf, fellatio makes you mute, at least until you > finish it." > > "I don't know why I did it, I don't know why I enjoyed it, and I don't know > why I'll do it again." - Bart Simpson > > "The difference between light and hard is that you can sleep with a light > on." > > "Life is like a penis: when it's soft you can't beat it, and when it's hard > you get fucked." > > "Sex is like a bridge game; if you have a good hand no partner is needed." > > "We have reason to believe that man first walked upright to free his hands > for masturbation." - Lilly Tomlin > > > MARRIAGE > > "The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret." - Henny Youngman. > > "Marriage is a wonderful invention; but, then again, so is a bicycle repair > kit." - Billy Connolly. ************************************** > "A woman asked her husband to go to the video store and get 'Scent of a > Woman'. Her husband came back with a 'Fish Called Wanda'." > > "The phrase 'rule of thumb' is derived from and old English law which stated > that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb." > > "There's only two things about me that my wife doesn't care for: > 1) everything I say, and > 2) everything I do." > > "Why do married men gain weight while bachelors don't ? > Bachelors go to the refrigerator, see nothing they want, then go to bed. > Married guys go to the bed, see nothing they want, then go to the > refrigerator." > > "Q: Why do men usually die before their wives ? > A: Because they want to." > > "A bachelor is a man who never makes the same mistake once." > > "Any married man should forget his mistakes, there's no use in two people > remembering the same thing." > > A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get > married?" > And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying". > > Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man > doesn't know his wife until he marries her ?" > Dad: "That happens in every country, son." > > "They say that breaking up is hard to do - but it's much easier with a > restraining order and a rottweiler." - Dakota Shepard. > > "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was > too late." > > After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I > married you." > The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice." > > "It is a woman's business to get married as soon as possible, and a man's to > keep unmarried as long as he can." - George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950), > Irish dramatist and critic. > > "For anyone who may not know this: when the preacher says, 'You may now > kiss the bride', he's only speaking to the groom." - David Gunter. > > "If you don't beat your wife every three days, she'll start tearing up roof > tiles." - Chinese saying. > "Make love, not war. I'm married, I do both." > > "Bigamy ? It's having one wife too much... > ...Monogamy ? It's the same." - Oscar Wilde. > > "Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds can get you shot." > > "Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener !" > > "My husband and I married for better or worse - He couldn't do better and I > couldn't do worse." > > "You never truly know a woman 'til you meet her in court." > > "An archaeologist is the best husband any woman can have: the older she > gets, the more interested he is in her." - Agatha Christie (1891-1976), > British detective-story writer. > > "Life is a bitch, then you marry one." > > "The most common form of marriage proposal: 'YOU'RE WHAT ?'" > > "My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met." - Rodney > Dangerfield. > > "A man in love is incomplete until he is married. Then he is ished." - > Zsa Zsa Gabor. > > "I think weddings are sadder than funerals, because they remind you of your > own wedding. You can't be reminded of your own funeral because it hasn't > happened. But weddings always make me cry." - Brendan Behan (1923-64) > Irish playwright. > > "Ah, yes, 'divorce'. From the Latin for 'having your genitals torn off > through your wallet'." - Robin Williams. > > "My wife and I are inseparable. In fact, last week it took four state > troopers and a dog." > > "Q: Do you know the punishment for bigamy ? > A: Two Mothers-in-law." > > First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel !" > Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive." > > "How do most men define marriage ? > An expensive way to get laundry done for free." > > "Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. > After marriage, the 'Y' becomes silent." > > "Three rings of marriage: The engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the > suffering." > > "I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury." - George > Burns. > > "The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it > once." > > "Bachelors know more about women than married men. If they didn't, they be > married too." - H. L. Mencken. > > In California, there's a 6-month waiting period for filing for divorce, but > only a 15-day waiting period for buying a handgun. It's nice to know the > government is giving us advice on how to work out our problems." - Matt > Sullivan. > > "Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You > order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish > you had ordered that." > > "If you want to read about love and marriage, you've got to buy two separate > books." - Alan King. > > "I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man, I keep his > se." - Zsa Zsa Gabor. > > "Many a man owes his success to his first wife and his second wife to his > success." - Jim Backus. > > "It is best for ordinary men to have only one wife !" - Emperor Akbar the > Great of India (1542-1605) who had 300 wives and 5000 concubines. > > "Where there is marriage without love, there will be love without > riage." - Benjamin Franklin (1706-1790) > > "Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose > interest." - Professor Irwin Corey. > > "Marriage is like a phone call in the night: first the ring, and then you > wake up." - Evelyn Hendrickson. > > "Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings and > lawyers." - Richard Pryor. > > "Marriage resembles a pair of shears, so joined that they cannot be > separated; often moving in opposite directions, yet always punishing anyone > who comes between them." - Sydney Smith. > > "Adam & Eve had an ideal marriage. He didn't have to hear about all the men > she could have married... and she didn't have to hear about how well his > Mother cooked." > > "My wife has cut our lovemaking down to once a month, but I know two guys > she's cut out entirely." - Rodney Dangerfield. > > "My wife was in labor with our first child for thirty-two hours and I was > faithful to her the whole time." - Jonathan Katz. > > "Q: What food sucks 90% of the sex drive from a woman ? > A: The wedding cake." > > "They say that 50% of all marriages end in divorce. That's not as bad as it > sounds, considering that the other 50% end in death." > > "By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a > bad one, you'll become a philosopher." - Socrates. > > "I still miss my Ex, but my aim is getting better" - Bumper sticker. > > > MEN BASHING > > "Few women admit their age... > ...Fewer men act it." - Bumper sticker. > > "Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition." - Bumper sticker. > > "Bart, a woman is like a beer. They look good, they smell good, and you'd > step over your own mother just to get one ! (chugs beer)" - Homer > Simpson. > > "Why does Mike Tyson cry after sex ? > ...Pepper spray will do that to you." > > "When a man says it's a silly, childish game, it's probably something his > wife can beat him at." - Epperson's law > > "The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average > man can see better than he can think." > > "Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a movie > this guy would be buried in the credits as something like 'Second Tall > Man'." > > "I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable." > > "Not all men are annoying. Some are dead." > > "Give a man a free hand and he'll run it all over you." - Mae West > (1892-1980). > > "You know the movie you're watching is a 'chick flick' if you wake up and > your wife is crying." - Rick Oie > > "It takes a woman twenty years to make a man of her son, and another woman > twenty minutes to make a fool of him." - Helen Rowland. > > "Any woman that thinks the way to a man's heart is through his stomach is > aiming just a little too high." > > "Men only have two faults: Everything they say and everything they do." > > "Knowing what I do now about women, if I could just travel back in time to > when I was 16 years old, I bet I would have gotten laid by now." - Ed > Smith. > > "There is so little difference between husbands, you might as well keep the > first." - Adela Rogers St. John. > > "Outside every thin woman is a fat man trying to get in." - Katherine > Whitehorn. > > "Men are like small children. You bring a new one home and the ones already > there resent it." > > "If Adam had had a real hairy back, we probably wouldn't be here > ay." - Dave Henry. > > "Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder..." > > "Husbands are like fires; they go out when unattended." - Zsa Zsa Gabor. > > "It's not that chocolates are a substitute for love. Love is a substitute > for chocolate. Let's face it, chocolate is much more reliable than any man." > > "I'd like to get married because I like the idea of a man being required by > law to sleep with me every night." - Carrie Snow. > > "Women need a reason to have sex - Men just need a place." > > One day, God calls on Adam & says, "Adam, I have some good news and some bad > news ! The good news is that I gave you a penis and a brain. The bad news is > that I only gave you enough blood to operate one organ at a time." > > "God made Adam before Eve because you always make a rough draft before the > final copy." > > "I doubt whether any girl would be satisfied with her lover's mind if she > knew the whole of it." - Anthony Trollope (1815-82) British novelist. > > "Men are like fine wine - they all start out like grapes, and it's our job > to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something > we'd like to have dinner with." - Anonymous. > > "Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street bald > and still think they are beautiful !" > > "A man is driving down a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving up > the same road. As they pass each other the woman leans out the window and > yells: 'PIG!!'. The man immediately leans out his window and replies: > 'BITCH!!'. They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next > corner, he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road." - Bob Castro. > > "A man who is old enough to know better is always on the look out for a girl > who doesn't." > > "Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking > they had no faults at all." > > "When I first met my girlfriend, she asked me what I wanted in a woman. She > pretended to be irritated when I said, 'My dick'." > > "I have great sex with my girlfriend. She's very vocal, and most of it > really turns me on. I love it when she screams, 'Harder!', I love it when > she screams, 'Faster!'. The only problem I have is when she screams, > 'Deeper!'." > > "The game women play is men." - Adam Smith > > "A woman tries to get all she can out of a man, and a man tries to get all > he can into a woman." - Isaac Goldberg > > "If you keep the sexual harassment complaint forms in the bottom drawer, > then you'll get a great view of the women's butts when they get one out !" > > "When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask > her to bring back beer." > > "Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved." > > "Men - You can't live with 'em, and they only bleed when you whip 'em." > > "When you consider what a chance women have to poison their husbands, it's a > wonder there isn't more of it done." - Kin Hubbard. > > "Men will confess to treason, murder, arson, false teeth, or a wig. How many > of them will own up to a lack of humour ?" - Frank More Colby > (1865-1925), US editor. > > "The trouble with some women is that they get excited about nothing - then > marry him." > > Guy, naked in front of the mirror: 'Two inches more, and I would be king' > Wife: 'Two inches less, and you'd be queen' > > Husband: "I don't know why you wear a bra, you've got nothing to put in it". > Wife: "You wear briefs, don't you ?" > > "Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe." > > At the cocktail party, one woman asked another, "Aren't you wearing your > wedding ring on the wrong finger ?" > The other replied, "Yes, I am, I married the wrong man". > > "I've never understood why women love cats. Cats are independent, they don't > listen, they don't come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, > and when they're home they like to be left alone and sleep. In other words, > every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat." > "Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men, the other 999 follow > en." - Groucho Marx. > > "I know I must be really good in bed, 'cause women always ask me if there's > any possible way I could make it last longer." - Bill Hewins > > "Who needs a husband ? > My dog growls at me every morning, my parrot swears all afternoon, my > fireplace smokes a lot, my cat slinks home in the early morning hours, and I > have a physician who looks me over regularly." > > "- Mommy mommy, what's an orgasm ? > - I don't know, ask your father." > > "- Mummy, where do babies come from ? > - The stork, dear. > - Mummy, who keeps bad people from robbing our house ? > - The police, dear. > - Mummy, if our house was on fire, who would save us ? > - The fire department, dear. > - Mummy, where does food come from ? > - Farmers, dear. > - Mummy ? > - Yes, dear ? > - What do we need Daddy for ?" > > It's the morning after the honeymoon, and the wife says 'You know, you're > really a lousy lover'. > To which the husband replies 'How can you tell after only 30 seconds ?' > > "Well, what you lack in size, you make up for in speed..." > > "Word to the wise: Women want men with flat stomachs and fat wallets. My sex > life still hasn't recovered from getting it backwards." - Derek Cockram. > > "How to impress a woman ? > Compliment her, cuddle her, kiss her, caress her, love her, stroke her, > tease her, comfort her, protect her, hug her, hold her, spend money on her, > wine and dine her, buy things for her, listen to her, care for her, stand by > her, support her, buy flowers for her, go to the ends of the earth for > her... > How to impress a man ? > Show up naked. Bring beer." > > "You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a > smart woman with a dumb guy." - Erica Jong. > > "This guy says, 'I'm perfect for you, 'cause I'm a cross between a macho and > a sensitive man'. I said, 'Oh, a gay trucker ?'" - Judy Tenuta. > > "Word to the wise for men: Although meant as a compliment, 'You make love > like a pro' isn't always received as such." - Derek Cockram. > > "If high heels were so wonderful, men would be wearing them." - Sue > Grafton. > > "When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another > country." - Elayne Boosler. > > "If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How > intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your neck > ?" - Linda Ellerbee. > > Man: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful ?" > God: "So you would love her." > Man: "But God, why did you make her so dumb ?" > God: "So she would love you." > > "Diamonds are a girl's best friends. > Dogs are man's best friend. > So which is the dumber sex ?" > > "The only thing worse than women are women who tell me I'm a > ogynist." - John Avery. > > "Single women complain that all good men are married, while all married > women complain about their lousy husbands. This confirms that there is no > such thing as a good man." > > "I'm married, but I don't wear a wedding ring because I've found that it > tends to give women the impression that I'm unavailable." - Bill Muse. ===== "Whatever the question... ...LOVE is the answer" __________________________________________________ Do You Yahoo!? Find the one for you at Yahoo! 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