And there's still more to come! Apologies if you don't wanna see this lot, the delete button is just a key-stroke away!!!!
Sime. Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching TV > and drinking a beer when he > hears a knock at the door. When he opens it, he > is confronted by a little > Japanese man, clutching a clipboard and > yelling, "You Sign! You sign!" > Behind him is an enormous truck full of car > exhausts. Nelson is standing > there in complete amazement, when the Japanese > starts to yell louder: "You > Sign! You sign!" > Nelson says to him, "Look, you've obviously got > the wrong man", and shuts > the door in his face. > > The next day he hears a knock at the door > again. When he opens it, the > little Japanese is back with a huge truck of > brake pads. He thrusts his > clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling, "You > sign! You sign!" Mr Mandela is > getting a bit hacked off by now, so he pushes > the > little Japanese man back, shouting: "Look, go > away! You've got the wrong > man! I don't > want them!" Then he slams the door in his face > again. > > The following day, Nelson is resting, and late > in the afternoon, he hears a > knock on the door again. On opening it, there > is the same little Japanese > thrusting a clipboard under his nose, shouting, > "You sign! You sign!" > Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of > car parts. > > This time Nelson loses his temper completely, > he picks up the little man by > his shirt front and yells at him; "Look, I > don't want these! Do you > understand? You must have the wrong name! Who > do you want to give these to?" > > The little Japanese man looks at him very > puzzled, consults his clipboard, > and says... > > (scroll down) > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Get your Japanese accent ready ..... > > > > > > > > > > > > � "You not Nissan Main Dealer?" ********************************** AUSTIN POWERS CHAT UP LINES... > > > > I wish you were a door so I could bang you all day > > long. > > > > (Lick finger and wipe on her shirt) Let's get you > > out of these wet > > clothes. > > > > Nice legs...what time do they open? > > > > Do you work for the post office? I thought I saw you > > checking out my > > package. > > > > You've got 206 bones in your body, want one more? > > > > Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money? > > > > I may not be the best looking guy in here, but I'm > > the only one talking to > > you. > > > > I'm a bird watcher and I'm looking for a Big > > Breasted Bed Thrasher, have you > > seen one? > > > > I'm fighting the urge to make you the happiest woman > > on earth tonight. > > > > Wanna play army? I'll lay down and you can blow the > > hell outta me. > > > > I'd really like to see how you look when I'm naked. > > > > Is that a ladder in your stockings or the stairway > > to heaven? > > > > You might not be the best looking girl here, but > > beauty is only a light > > switch away. > > > > You must be the limp doctor because I've got a > > stiffy. > > > > I'd walk a million miles for one of your smiles, and > > even farther for > > That thing you do with your tongue. > > > > If it's true that we are what we eat, then I could > > be you by morning. > > > > (Look down at your crotch) Well it's not just going > > to suck itself. > > > > You know, if I were you, I'd have sex with me. > > > > You. Me. Whipped cream. Handcuffs. Any questions? > > > > Those clothes would look great in a crumpled heap on > > my bedroom floor. > > > > > > My name is (name)...remember that, you'll be > > screaming it later. > > > > Do you believe in love at first sight or should I > > walk by again? > > > > Hi, I'm Mr. Right. Someone said you were looking for > > me. > > > > Hi, the voices in my head told me to come over and > > talk to you. > > > > I know milk does a body good, but DAMN, how much > > have you been drinking? > > > > Wanna come over for some pizza and sex? No? Why, > > don't you like pizza? > > > > Baby, I'm an American Express lover...you shouldn't > > go home without me. > > > > Do you sleep on your stomach? Can I??? > > > > Do you wash your pants in Mr Sheen because I can see � > myself in them. ************************************** THINGS TO DO AT WAL-MART WHILE YOUR > > > FRIENDS/FAMILY TAKE THEIR OWN SWEET TIME > > > > > > 1. Get boxes of condoms & randomly put > > > them in peoples' carts when they aren't > > > looking. > > > > > > 2. Set all the alarm clocks to go off > > > at 10-minute intervals. > > > > > > 3. Make a trail of orange juice on the > > > floor to the rest rooms. > > > > > > 4. Walk up to an employee and tell > > > him/her in an official tone, "I > > > think we have a code 3 in housewares." > > > > > > 5. Put some M&M's on lay away. > > > > > > 6. Move CAUTION WET FLOOR signs > > > to carpet areas. > > > > > > 7. Set up a tent in the camping > > > department, tell others you'll only > > > invite them in if they bring pillows > > > from the bedding department. > > > > > > 8. When someone asks if they can help > > > you, begin to cry and ask, "Why won't > > > you people leave me alone." > > > > > > 9. Look right into the security camera > > > and use it as a mirror while you pick > > > your nose. > > > > > > 10. Dart around suspiciously while > > > humming the theme from 'Mission > > > Impossible.' > > > > > > 11. While handling guns in the hunting > > > department ask the clerk if he knows > > > where the anti-depressants are. > > > > > > 12. In the auto department practice > > > your Madonna look using different > > > size funnels. > > > > > > 13. Hide in the clothing rack and > > > when people browse through whisper > > > "PICK ME! PICK ME!!!!!" > > > > > > 14. When an announcement comes over > > > the loud speaker assume the fetal > > > position and scream "NO! NO! It's > > > those voices again!" > > > > > > 15. Go into a fitting room and yell � > > "Hey, we're out of toilet paper in here!" *************************************** Lessons from Porn Movies Women wear high heels to bed. > > > > Men are never impotent. > > > > When performing oral sex on a woman, 10 seconds is more than satisfactory. > > > > If a woman is caught masturbating by a strange man, she will not scream with > > embarrassment, but rather insist he have sex with her. > > > > Women smile appreciatively when men splat them in the face with sperm. > > > > Women enjoy having sex with ugly, middle-aged men. > > > > Women moan uncontrollably when giving a blowjob. > > > > Women always orgasm when (and because) men do. > > > > A blowjob will always get a women off a speeding ticket. > > > > All women are noisy fucks. > > > > People in the 70's couldnt fuck unless there was a wild guitar solo > > complete with wah-wah effects in the background. > > > > Those tits are real. > > > > A common and enjoyable sexual practice for both parties is for a man to > > slap his semi-erect penis repeatedly on the woman's face or butt. > > > > Men always groan "OH YEAH!" when they cum. > > > > Double penetration makes women smile. > > > > Asian men don't exist. > > > > If you come across a guy and his girlfriend having sex, the boyfriend won't > > bash seven shades of shit out of you if you shove your cock in his > > girlfriend's mouth. > > > > When taking a woman from behind, a man can really excite her by slapping > > her on the butt. > > > > Nurses suck patient's cocks. > > > > Men always pull out just before coming. > > > > When your girlfriend busts you getting head from her best girlfriend, > > she'll only be momentarily pissed off before fucking the both of you. > > > > Women never have headaches... or periods. > > > > When a woman is performing oral sex, it's important for the man to regularly remind > > her to "suck it". > > > > Assholes are clean and sanitary. > > > > A man ejaculating on a womans butt is a satisfying result for all parties > > concerned. > > > > Women are always pleasantly surprised when they open a man's trousers and > > find a cock there. > > > > When standing while receiving a blowjob, a man will always place one hand firmly on > > the back of the kneeling woman's head and the other proudly on his hip. ****************************** A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had > > > any sex in quite some time. She was afraid she might have > > > something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical > > > expertise of a sex therapist. > > > > > > Her doctor recommended that she see the well known Chinese sex > > > therapist, Dr. Chang, so she went to see him. > > > > > > Upon entering the examination room, Dr.Chang said, "OK, take off all > > > you crose." The woman did as she was told. > > > > > > " Now, get down on you nees and craw reery, reery fass to udder side of > > > room." Again, the woman did as she was instructed. > > > > > > > Dr. Chang then said, "OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me." So > > > she did. > > > > > > Dr. Chang shook his head slowly and said, "Your probrem vewy bad. > > > You haf Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ewer see. Dat why you not > > > haf sex for wong wong time." > > > > > > Worried, the woman asked anxiously, "Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is > > > Ed Zachary Disease?" > > > > > > Dr. Chang looked the woman in the eye and replied, "Ed Zachary > > > Disease is when your face rook Ed Zachary rike your ass." ===== "Whatever the question... ...LOVE is the answer" __________________________________________________ Do You Yahoo!? Find the one for you at Yahoo! Personals http://personals.yahoo.com ==^================================================================ This email was sent to: [email protected] EASY UNSUBSCRIBE click here: http://topica.com/u/?aVxiMu.aVzSEg Or send an email to: [EMAIL PROTECTED] T O P I C A -- Register now to manage your mail! http://www.topica.com/partner/tag02/register ==^================================================================
