Oh Simon, with these jokes you are really spoiling us. Work hard, play hard
>From: Simon Young <[EMAIL PROTECTED]> >Reply-To: [EMAIL PROTECTED] >To: KTF KTF <[EMAIL PROTECTED]>, modslist ><[EMAIL PROTECTED]>, northern mods northern mods ><[EMAIL PROTECTED]> >Subject: jokes-a-plenty part four 20.11.2001 >Date: Tue, 20 Nov 2001 05:56:33 -0800 (PST) > >Here we go again....nurse nurse my sides are >splitting!!!! > >Sime. > > > Many many years ago > > when I was twenty three, > > I got married to a widow > > who was pretty as could be. > > This widow had a grown-up daughter > > who had hair of red. > > My father fell in love with her, > > and soon the two were wed. > > This made my dad my son-in-law > > And changed my very life. > > My daughter was my mother, > > For she was my father's wife. > > To complicate the matters worse, > > Although it brought me joy, > > I soon became the father > > Of a bouncing baby boy. > > My little baby then became > > A brother-in-law to dad. > > And so became my uncle, > > Though it made me very sad. > > For if he was my uncle, > > Then that also made him brother > > To the widow's grown-up daughter > > Who, of course, was my step-mother. > > Father's wife then had a son, > > Who kept them on the run. > > And he became my grandson, > > For he was my daughter's son. > > My wife is now my mother's mother > > And it makes me blue. > > Because, although she is my wife, > > She is my grandma too. > > If my wife is my grandmother, > > Then I am her grandchild. > > And every time I think of it, > > It simply drives me wild. > > For now I have become > > The strangest case you ever saw. > > As the husband of my grandmother, > > I am my own grandpa. > > >*********************************** > >If you receive an email entitled "Badtimes," >delete it immediately. Do not > > open it. Apparently this virus is pretty >nasty. > > > > It will not only erase everything on your hard >drive, but it will also > > delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your > >computer. > > > > It demagnetizes the stripes on ALL of your >credit cards. > > > > It reprograms your ATM access code, screws up >the tracking on your VCR and > > uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any >CD's you attempt to play - > > except Yanni CD's. > > With them it doubles the volume. > > > > It will automatically download kiddie porn to >your hard drive and then > > notify the authorities. > > > > It will re-calibrate your refrigerator's >coolness settings so all your ice > > cream melts and your milk curdles. > > > > It will program your phone auto dial to call >only your mother-in-law's > > number. > > > > This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish >tank. > > > > It will drink all your good beer and replace it > >with I.C. Light. > > > > It will leave dirty socks on the coffee table >when you are expecting > > company. > > > > It will talk nasty about your mother. > > > > Its radioactive emissions will cause your toe >jam and bellybutton fuzz to > > migrate behind your ears. > > > > It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your > >Nair with Rogaine, all >while > > dating your current boy/girlfriend behind your >back and billing their >hotel > > rendezvous to your Visa card-the only card > > stripe it didn't demagnetize. > > > > It will cause you to run with scissors and >throw things in a way that is > > only fun until someone loses an eye. > > > > It will give you Dutch Elm Disease and Tinea. > > > > It will rewrite your backup files, changing all > >your active verbs to >passive > > tense and incorporating undetectable >misspellings which grossly change >the > > interpretations of key sentences. > > > > If the "Badtimes" message is opened in a >Windows 98 environment, it will > > leave the toilet seat up and leave your hair >dryer plugged in dangerously > > close to a full bathtub. > > > > It will not only remove the forbidden tags from > >your mattresses and >pillows, > > but it will also refill your skim milk with >whole milk. > > > > It will replace all your luncheon meat with >beef tongue. > > > > It will molecularly rearrange your cologne or >perfume, causing it to smell > > like dill pickles (but, on the plus side, >they're kosher dills). > > > > It is insidious and subtle. It is dangerous and > >terrifying to behold. It > > is also a rather interesting shade of mauve. > > >****************************************** > >Three important questions to ask an alien, >before having sex: > > > > > > 1. Are you carrying any diseases which might > >be > > > communicable to humans? > > > 2. Have you had sex with any high-risk >partners in the > > > past six months? > > > 3. Which one is your mouth? >************************************* > > > > TO PROVE A THEORY > > > > > > A noted sex therapist realized that people >often lie about > > > the frequency of their encounters, so he >devised a test to > > > tell for certain how often someone had sex. > > > > > > To prove his theory, he filled up an >auditorium with > > > people, and went down the line asking each >person to smile. > > > Using the size of the person's smile, the >therapist was > > > able to guess accurately how often each >person had sex. The > > > last man in line was grinning from ear to >ear. > > > > > > "Twice a day," the therapist guessed, but >was surprised > > > when the man said no. "Once a day, then?" >Again the answer > > > was no. "Twice a week?" > > > > > > "No." > > > > > > "Twice a month?" > > > > > > "No." > > > > > > When the doctor asked, "Once a year?" the >man finally said > > > yes. > > > > > > The therapist was angry that his theory >hadn't worked with > > > this individual, and he asked the man, "What > >the heck are > > > you so happy about?" > > > > > > The man answered, "Tonight's the night!" >*********************************** > > > > "MEN ARE LIKE...." > > > > > > Men are like ... newborn babies > > > They're cute at first, but you get tired of >picking up their > > > crap. > > > > > > Men are like ... coffee > > > The best ones are rich, hot and can keep you > >up all night. > > > > > > Men are like ... computers. > > > Hard to figure out and never enough memory. > > > > > > Men are like ... coolers. > > > Load them with beer and you can take them >anywhere. > > > > > > Men are like ... chocolate bars. > > > Sweet, smooth and they usually head right >for your hips. > > > > > > Men are like .... power tools > > > They make a lot of noise, but it's hard to >get them to > > > work. > > > > > > Men are like ... remote controls > > > Simple. Easy to use. And usually lying >around a TV. > > > > > > Men are like ... shag carpets. > > > Soft, fuzzy and extremely easy to walk on. > > > > > > Men are like ... vacuum cleaners > > > They're not much fun, but at least you get >to push them > > > around. > > > > > > Men are like ... road kill > > > They usually just lie around until they >start to smell. > > > > > > Men are like ... soap operas > > > They're fun to watch, but don't believe >everything you > > > hear. > > > > > > Men are like ... pillows > > > Eventually, even the best ones get soft and >lumpy. > > > > > > Men are like ... old car tires > > > Balding, full of hot air, and it never hurts > >to have a > > > spare. > > > > > > Men are like ... plastic wrap > > > Cheap. Clingy. and very easy to see through. > > > > > > > Men are like .... department stores > > > Their clothes should always be half off. > > > > > > Men are like ... horoscopes. > > > They always tell you what to do and are >usually wrong. > > > > > > Men are like ... cement. > > > After getting laid, they take a long time to > >get hard. > > > > > > Men are like ... plungers. > > > They spend most of their lives in a hardware > >store or > > > the bathroom > > > > > > Men are like.....Placemats. > > > They only show up when there's food on the >table. > > > > > > Men are like.....Mascara. > > > They usually run at the first sign of >emotion. > > > > > > Men are like.....Bike helmets. > > > Handy in an emergency, but otherwise they >just look silly. > > > > > > Men are like.....Government bonds. > > > They take so long to mature. > > > > > > Men are like.....Parking spots. > > > The good ones are taken, and the rest are >too small. > > > > > > > Men are like.....Copiers. > > > You need them for reproduction, but that's >about it. > > > > > > Men are like.....Lava lamps. > > > Fun to look at, but not all that bright. > > > > > > Men are like.....Bank accounts. > > > Without a lot of money, they don't generate >much > > > interest. > > > > > > Men are like.....High heels. > > > They're easy to walk on once you get the >hang of it. > > > > > > Men are like.....Curling irons. > > > They're always hot, and they're always in >your hair. > > > > > > Men are like.....Mini skirts. > > > If you're not careful, they'll creep up your > >legs. > > > > > > Men are like.....Bananas. > > > The older they get, the less firm they are. >************************************ > > > > STILL GOING STRONG > > > > > > An old man turned 96 and was being >interviewed by a reporter > > > for the local paper. During the interview >the reporter > > > noticed that the yard was full of children >of all ages > > > playing together. A very pretty girl of >about 19 served the > > > old man and the reporter, keeping them in >fresh tea and > > > running errands for them. > > > > > > "Are these your grandkids?" the reporter >asked. > > > > > > "Naw, sir, they're all my younguns," the old > >man replied > > > with a sly grin. > > > > > > "Your kids?" said the reporter. "What about >this beautiful > > > young lady who keeps bringing us tea? Is she > >one of your > > > children too?" > > > > > > "Naw, sir," said the old man. "She's my >wife." > > > > > > "Your wife?" said the surprised reporter. >"But she can't be > > > more than 19 years old." > > > > > > "That's right," said the old man with pride. > > > > > > > "Well, surely you can't have a sex life with > >you being 96 and > > > she being only 19," the reporter remarked. > > > > > > "Naw, sir, " said the old man. "We have sex >every night. > > > Every night two of my boys helps me on it, >and every morning > > > six of my boys help me off." > > > > > > "Wait just one minute," said the >newspaperman. "Why does it > > > only take two of your boys to put you on, >but it takes six of > > > them to take you off?" > > > > > > "Cause," the spry old man said with a tight >fist, "I fight 'em." >**************************************** > >A man died with an erection. > > > > Unable to bend the rigid member, so as to make >it unnoticeable, the > > undertaker asked the widow, > > > > "I'm sorry ma'am but your husband's penis is >standing straight up, and we > > can't prepare him for viewing like this. What >do you want me to do?" > > > > The widow sighed, "Just cut it off and stick it > >up his butt." > > > > Taken aback, the undertaker nonetheless >complied with her instruction. > > > > When the widow came to view her husband's body >that evening, she noticed a > > tiny tear in the corner of his eyes. > > > > Gently she bent down and whispered to him, > > > > "See there, you son-of-a-bitch..... I TOLD you >that it hurt!" >********************************** >Drinking Stages > >stage 1 - SMART > > > >>This is when you suddenly become an expert on > >every > > > >>subject in the known Universe. You know you >know > > > >>everything and want to pass on your knowledge > >to > > > >>anyone who will listen. At this stage you are > >always > > > >>RIGHT. And of course the person you are >talking to is > > > >>very WRONG. > > > >>This makes for an interesting argument when >both > > > >>parties are SMART. > > > >> > > > >>Stage 2 - GOOD LOOKING > > > >>This is when you realize that you are the >BEST LOOKING > > > >> > > > >>person in the entire bar and that people want > >you. You > > > >>can go up to a perfect stranger knowing they >want you > > > >>and really want to talk to you. > > > >>Bear in mind that you are still SMART, so you > >can talk > > > >>to this person about any subject under the >sun. > > > >> > > > >>Stage 3 - RICH > > > >>This is when you suddenly become the richest >person in > > > >> > > > >>the world. You can buy drinks for the entire >bar > > > >>because you have an armoured truck full of >money parked > > > >>behind the bar. You can also make bets at >this stage, > > > >>because of course, you are still SMART, so >naturally > > > >>you will win all your bets. It doesn't matter > >how much > > > >>you bet because you are RICH. > > > >>You will also buy drinks for everyone that >you fancy, > > > >>because now you are the BEST LOOKING person >in the > > > >>world. > > > >> > > > >>Stage 4 - BULLET PROOF > > > >>You are now ready to pick fights with anyone >and > > > >>everyone especially those with whom you have >been > > > >>betting or arguing. > > > >>This is because nothing can hurt you. At this > >point > > > >>you can also go up to the partners of the >people who > > > >>you fancy and challenge to a battle of wits >or money. > > > >>You have no fear of losing this battle >because you are > > > >>SMART, you are RICH and hell, you're BETTER >LOOKING > > > >>than they are anyway! > > > >> > > > >>Stage 5 - INVISIBLE > > > >>This is the Final Stage of Drunkenness. At >this point > > > >>you can do anything because NO ONE CAN SEE >YOU. You > > > >>dance on a table to impress the people who >you fancy > > > >>because the rest of the people in the room >cannot see > > > >>you. You are also invisible to the person who > >wants to > > > >>fight you. You can walk through the street >singing at > > > >>the top of your lungs because no one can see >or hear > > > >>you and because you're still SMART you know >all the > > > >>words. >*********************************** > > > >>Alcohol Warnings: The FDA is considering >additional > > > >>warnings on beer and alcohol bottles, such >as: > > > >> > > > >>1) WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make >you think > > > >>you are whispering when you are not. > > > >> > > > >>2) WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause >you to > > > >>tell the same boring story over and over >again until > > > >>your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD. > > > >> > > > >>3) WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause >you to > > > >>thay shings like thish. > > > >> > > > >>4) WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead >you to > > > >>believe that ex-lovers are really dying for >you to > > > >>telephone them at 4 in the morning. > > > >> > > > >>5) WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the >leading > > > >>cause of inexplicable rug burns on the >forehead. > > > >> > > > >>6) WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead >you to > > > >>think people are laughing WITH you. > > > > > > >===== >"Whatever the question... >...LOVE is the answer" > >__________________________________________________ >Do You Yahoo!? >Yahoo! GeoCities - quick and easy web site hosting, just $8.95/month. >http://geocities.yahoo.com/ps/info1 > > _________________________________________________________________ Get your FREE download of MSN Explorer at http://explorer.msn.com/intl.asp ==^================================================================ This email was sent to: [email protected] EASY UNSUBSCRIBE click here: http://topica.com/u/?aVxiMu.aVzSEg Or send an email to: [EMAIL PROTECTED] T O P I C A -- Register now to manage your mail! http://www.topica.com/partner/tag02/register ==^================================================================
