PS you're Austin-based right ? Ian
On Mon, Jul 12, 2010 at 8:45 AM, Ian Glendinning <[email protected]> wrote: > Hi Andy, > > "bit it farewell" ? The janitor wasn't rodent-biter Ozzy was he ? > > Excellent > Ian > > On Mon, Jul 12, 2010 at 8:10 AM, Andy Skelton <[email protected]> wrote: >> [I have done a lot of things. This story is true AFAIR. I tell it at >> parties to burn my image in people's minds. It is pretty far off topic >> but there was a request for a personal introduction. If you want >> specifics about me, they are mostly very findable. I have Google >> thinking I'm the most important Andy Skelton on the internet.] >> >> Soon after Y2K I left a tech support job in a call center due to a >> health issue. Couldn't breathe, couldn't talk on the phone. I got a >> temp job wrangling a pallet jack and quickly became the department's >> database expert. Before the end of the year I switched again because >> the corporate bullshit wasn't worth the pay. I moved from >> multi-billion companies where I was nobody to a computer forensics lab >> in the mother-in-law wing of my employer's house. He also shared the >> space with an administrative assistant. When she wasn't around, it was >> man central. >> >> It had to be. Computer forensics was not something we could have done >> in a socially sterile environment. Political correctness was assailed >> every instant by the contents of the hard drives we examined and the >> hidden sides of people we revealed. We searched, compiled, and >> reported to our clients about digital documentation of deceit and >> abuse. It took a thick skin. >> >> We got jobs from local PD, sheriffs, staties, feds, even RCMP. But the >> best ones were the private investigator jobs. >> >> I remember fondly the job we did for a woman who co-owned a successful >> direct-marketing business with her husband. The woman came to us >> because she knew that her husband was having an affair with the office >> floozy. She wanted to know how deep the affair had gone. She wanted to >> wave the evidence in his face and make him stop screwing around. She >> wanted him to choose her, or hit the road and leave her with the >> entire fortune. >> >> We had heard this all before. This was bread and butter to us. Since >> the wife co-owned the business, she felt it was well within her rights >> to inspect the company computers. Our job was to acquire the data >> without the perps knowing. If the investigation were known, the jig >> would be up and the wife might not have any standing. No problem, we'd >> just go to the office on the weekend and skedaddle after a few hours >> of dd'ing disks in BeOS. >> >> The boss saw no fizz in this foray. He'd had his fill of field work >> for the week and his family got upset when he worked weekends. So it >> was to be my first solo acquisition. >> >> I arrived at business address, a suite between a gas station and a >> hairdresser in a 70's strip mall, with my gear and my lunch. The >> janitor was an old friend of the wife and sympathetic to her plight. >> He was a short, rotund man of indeterminate ancestry. A fat, old, >> lovable mutt of a man. He cheerfully opened the door for me, showed me >> to my workspace and then locked up and kept the lights dim so nobody >> driving by would think people were inside. >> >> The janitor was really into the stealth aspect of this job. This was >> his supporting role in a Mission Impossible film. He had parked a >> block away. I parked right in front of the door. Whatever. >> >> Once I had my gear set up, he showed me around the suite. It was just >> a bunch of private offices and a kitchen. Only two of the offices were >> of any interest: those of the husband and the floozy. >> >> We later learned all of their dirty little pet names from scouring >> their emails. The list was long and we were too respectful to write it >> down. I just remember laughing for hours over Pussy Pants. Anyway, I >> digress. >> >> The two offices were in a strange condition. The janitor had purchased >> several rolls of blue masking tape and spent the early morning hours >> affixing each and every item of office materiel in its place. Objects >> were removed only after their footprints were outlined in blue tape. >> There were five blue C's on the floor where the wheels of the office >> chair had come to rest before the floozy had left on Friday. The >> janitor was unbelievably thorough. >> >> He was also very creative. I was prepared to ignore the shattered >> sheet of clear plastic on the floozy's floor behind her chair and >> concentrate on the computers. While I waited for a large hard drive to >> be copied into a file on an even larger one, the janitor told me what >> had happened. I couldn't stop him in his glee. >> >> Just like I did when I was a janitor, he had a big keyring. There was >> no place he was forbidden to tidy up. However, the lock on the >> floozy's door had been changed very recently without his knowledge. >> Rather than try to draw conclusions, he got busy bypassing the lock. >> He accessed the hair salon next door, climbed into the suspended >> ceiling with his fat little body (bless him) crawled over the wall and >> lowered himself into the office. That was hard work, especially when >> you have to bring a ladder with you so you can get down, and he did a >> good job not making a huge mess of the ceiling tiles. But the 4'x2' >> lens from one of the fluorescent lights had fallen out of the ceiling >> and shattered on the floor. >> >> He had considered his options. He looked for a replacement and found >> none. This being a Sunday, the store that sold them was closed. He >> decided to leave the mess exactly as it lay and concoct a plausible >> story. After marking the rough outline of the wreckage with blue tape >> to help us avoid stepping in it, he removed the doorknob and walked >> out of the building with gleeful giggles in his wake. >> >> An hour later he was back with a fresh set of keys made by his >> locksmith friend and a brown paper sack and a look of sublime >> satisfaction. He left the sack in the kitchen and got to work >> reinstalling the doorknob. I had just finished copying the last hard >> drive and was just about to ask him to lock the door after I left. He >> stopped me with his hands full of grass and other debris from the lawn >> and he told me the story of the fluorescent light. >> >> He was weaving the debris into the rough shape of a nest. He said he >> wasn't sure what a rodent's nest looked like but it would be good >> enough to convince everyone in the office. He climbed the ladder and >> stashed the nest on top of a ceiling tile. >> >> In his story, there had been a mouse living in the ceiling of the >> office. There was extra value to this scheme because, as we all know, >> all floozies are frightened and sickened by the mere idea of rodents. >> By the time she recovered from the shock of the knowledge that there >> had been a mouse just a few feet above her head for unknown months, >> the shards of plastic would have been forgotten. >> >> While on the ladder, the janitor removed one of the punch-outs from >> the light fixture's chassis. This was where the mouse had curiously >> climbed through just before crashing to its death on the floor eight >> feet below. He stuck traces of fresh mouse fur to the rough edges of >> the hole to create evidence that, in my estimation, nobody would >> bother looking for. He did it for his own enjoyment. >> >> When everything was back in its place and the blue tape all crushed >> into several trash bags and we were ready to go, he went to the >> kitchen to fetch the paper sack out of the freezer. It was from a pet >> store that was open on Sundays. He dumped the now frozen mouse onto >> the pile of shards, bit it fare well, and locked the floozy's office >> with a flourish. His masterpiece was complete. >> >> I never heard about the aftermath in that office so I guess it went >> according to plan. We engrossed ourselves with the evidence I >> gathered. It was a nasty mess. The husband had squirreled away enough >> cash to buy a cabin on the lake where he would meet the floozy while >> he was ostensibly out of town on business. We hoped his wife left him >> standing naked in the rain but since she never came back for the full >> evidence we guess she settled it without a court battle. >> >> As I said, it's a true story. I enjoy telling it. >> >> Andy >> Moq_Discuss mailing list >> Listinfo, Unsubscribing etc. >> http://lists.moqtalk.org/listinfo.cgi/moq_discuss-moqtalk.org >> Archives: >> http://lists.moqtalk.org/pipermail/moq_discuss-moqtalk.org/ >> http://moq.org/md/archives.html >> > Moq_Discuss mailing list Listinfo, Unsubscribing etc. http://lists.moqtalk.org/listinfo.cgi/moq_discuss-moqtalk.org Archives: http://lists.moqtalk.org/pipermail/moq_discuss-moqtalk.org/ http://moq.org/md/archives.html
