Condolences, John. This was very open, heart-filled expression of your feelings. I appreciate all that you've tried to share.
Marsha On Jul 25, 2010, at 2:53 PM, John Carl wrote: > Well it's been a quiet week in my hometown, my mom's husband Hal died. > Expectedly. > > Everybody who watched it happen, admired his humor and good grace till the > end. Everybody who watched his process said, "that's the way I'd do it - no > chemotherapy" Having witnessed my wife's mom's passing, and comparing it to > Hal's, not as if that were enough of a sampling to hold any statistical > significance mind you, but the difference was like night and day. Lu's mom > really suffered from the chemo and the effects, and lasted about three > months after her diagnosis, most of it absolutely miserable. > > Hal had the same cancer (lung) and opted for a natural treatment and died > anyway, but lasted for a year and a half and he never really suffered, just > got shorter and shorter of breath. His last day, he was pretty out of it. > On sunday, he said he thought he'd be gone on wed. and he was right. Small > satisfaction, to be proven right in one's prediction about the day you die. > > He died at home, surrounded by loved ones and family and peace. He had two > packages of Depends - adult diapers - and only used one out of those > packages and didn't mess that one up. > > Hal never wanted to be a bother. > > He succeeded. > > He didn't always hit what he aimed at. In fact, his greatest claim to fame > might just be a phrase that derived from his creative misses. "Hal darts", > is a term recognized in almost any bar in Grass Valley where there's a dart > board, and has been heard being used in places as far afield as Reno and the > Bay Area and is understood in dart shops in Sacramento and all over. It > refers to a lucky miss where a player is aiming at the trip 20, and hits the > trip 18 instead. It's a miss, but its a GOOD miss. And very rare for > good players who usually just miss a little bit and hit the 1 or the 5 right > next to the 20 instead of landing all the way over in the 18 - and not just > a single 18, but a trip 18 to boot. To do it so consistently that you get > the miss named after you takes some doing and I have probably more insight > into the mechanics of the miss, than anyone alive. Which makes it incumbent > upon me to explicate to the world at next Sunday's memorial service. > > I'm the chief Yougoogleyizer (as Derek Zoolander calls it) of the family > due to past performances at my daughter's funeral and my mother-in-law's. A > rarely needed skill, but vital in the moment it is needed. > > Just as funerals are vital to a family's sustenance and continuance. You'd > think they'd be counter-productive to social adhesion, but its funny how the > opposite is true. Just like Hal Darts, the creative miss from what we aim > for turns out to be better than we'd imagined at the outset. > > First of all, the obvious. With one old person out of the way, there's now > more room for the young. Which by no means delights the young. They seem > the most upset when they find out that individuals are not permanent. But > what happens is, their upset turns to idealization, and the things they > appreciate most about the lost loved ones, becomes part of their behavioral > repertoire. > > Second, old arguments and feuds seem to dissipate at a funeral. We get too > locked into static grievances, which in the face of actual death look stupid > and make it easy to look each other in the face anew and move on in positive > ways. I've seen it repeated over and over, in my family and other's as > well. Funerals are great for burying hatchets as well as corpses. > > And as for killing all intellectual patterns, well funerals are good for > that as well. Not only in the deceased, but in the survivors as they cope > with a new reality with one less person to interact - starting most strongly > of course, with the widow left behind. My mom and Hal married the same year > my wife and I did. And my brother and his wife, who just divorced this > year. 1988 was a fecund year for marriages. > > The theme of my eulogy, will be, of course, "Hal Darts". Not only is it > obvious, but there's quite a bit to say. Figuring out how to put it > together is a tricky bit of writing. You want to convey information in an > eulogy, but more important than anything is the right emotional tone. > Preachers usually suck at it. They're all about making the conversion, > manipulating the masses who usually wouldn't get caught dead in a church > (ha-ha) by scaring the shit out of them and promising them glory and > reunification. If you really think about the true processes of grief and > healing, you'll agree with me that this is an insanely evil thing to do, and > one reason preachers are (and should be) widely reviled. > > Plastering their facile bandaid theologies over a family's real and > devastating wounds, and pretending to be kind in doing so. What a farce. > > I'm determined this time, to get the last word. In the past, I have come > upon some very effective and moving themes in my eulogy, only to have the > mood completely undone by a sappy and stupid sermonologist intent on scoring > his points. I figure, let the man have his say, its his church after all, > but if I can get the last word, perhaps I can prevent the preservation of > platitudinous libels, on and on into the future forevermore. > > > Songs help. A friend and I came up with a song for my daughter's funeral, > and it made such a difference to me. I don't know why, but it did. > Accurately portraying my grief in words and music, was SO very cathartic. I > don't perform the songs, I just write them. I gotta good one for Hal so I'm > optimistic that this will be a real good eulogy. > > Man, what a weird thing to say - "optimistic about a eulogy". But its true, > so I havta. > > Most of his life, Hal was agnostic. Which I think is a good thing to be. > Open-minded seems to produce the clearest thinking. We'd talk philosophy > while practicing darts in his garage, which was hugely cluttered with > paintings and pictures, mostly of naked ladies. Hal was a title officer by > day and a painter by hobby, who did buttons for the lion's club, painting > the windows at the office for christmas and other such civic minded > contributions that he was always getting sucked into because Hal couldn't > say no. He hated all that community shit, but he just couldn't say no. > What he liked to do was stay home by himself, listen to a ball game and > paint naked ladies. > > And shoot darts on tuesday nights. He was always working on his > techniques. He read books and books and focused intently on his shot > mechanics and was very frustrated with me because I didn't pay attention to > any of that, just took my stance and let it flow without too much thinking. > This aggravated him a lot (but then, a lot of things aggravated Hal) and > he'd shake his head at me. Nicknamed me "mr natural" because I just took my > shot without worrying about outcome. I imagined myself as a sorta zen > darter, but honestly I've always had pretty good hand/eye coordination and > in construction you're always having to throw stuff up to a guy on the roof > or something like that and one reason I could be natural, was that I had a > lot more practice than a guy who worked in an office all day and mostly > flipped pages for a living. > > Not that title officer is a boring occupation. Especially in Nevada County > with a rich history of mining laws as the basis for most of its real estate > - you get some fascinatingly convoluted conveyances over the years, and > there's a bit of field work involved. > > But Hal with his worrying and his rules and his focus on technique, was one > of the most socially-bound people I ever met. He and I were so different, > it was sorta like Phaedrus and DeWeese in ZAMM, we came from such different > worlds that we fascinated one another. I studied him and came to the > conclusion that Hal's misses were sort of second-guessing himself midshot, > overthinking as it often happens, and his life was similar. He didn't > really like people that much, but ended up with many friends who adored > him. He didn't really have much appreciation for my mom's large and > invasive family - Hal was a lone adoptee of a spinster schoolteacher mom - > but he ended up as the most beloved center of all her siblings and > spin-offs. He didn't like religion, but he converted and was baptised > before he got cancer, and having all that under his belt felt about as good > about his chances in any afterlife as anybody. > > I really emphasize family and community, but nobody can stand me and I don't > do anything for civic causes ever. And I certainly can't be guilt-trip > manipulated. I've been a Christian most of my life, but if caring for the > sheep of the good shepard is any criteria, I'm for sure going to hell. > > About the only good thing I can offer is the occasional eulogy, and bit of > poetry here and there, mostly for my own satisfaction. > > > So here's the song I wrote for him. So far. It's a simple rondelle that > goes C - am - F- G. > ` > > > Young hearts > Fade to old smarts > everybody gets their day, in the sun > > Where we aim > Is not the same > As where we end, when we're done. > > Hal darts > the strange arts > of getting what we want, when we fail > > missing wide > something inside > we discover at the end of the trail > > It's all the same > a fool's game > when it comes to love, we don't wanna part > > While we cry > We try > to remember leaving's just a brand new start > Moq_Discuss mailing list > Listinfo, Unsubscribing etc. > http://lists.moqtalk.org/listinfo.cgi/moq_discuss-moqtalk.org > Archives: > http://lists.moqtalk.org/pipermail/moq_discuss-moqtalk.org/ > http://moq.org/md/archives.html ___ Moq_Discuss mailing list Listinfo, Unsubscribing etc. http://lists.moqtalk.org/listinfo.cgi/moq_discuss-moqtalk.org Archives: http://lists.moqtalk.org/pipermail/moq_discuss-moqtalk.org/ http://moq.org/md/archives.html
