The Inspections Department's crack Paint Police have accused me of an even more heinious offense- failure to repaint every last inch of trim on my 116 year old multi story house. There is a bit of history here. Back before Hawthorne became a free fire zone I had gotten approved for a deferred loan funded project to replace every window and door on my house with modern energy efficent maintenence free replacements. With the current frequency of gunfire in the neighborhood making expensive high efficeny windows a questionable investment, I scaled back my plans last summer to replacing the worst windows and repainting the rest. By the time the local drug house was shut down and one could safely work outside it was winter. About then Inspections Department wrote up my unpainted trim. Upon being reminded that painting in winter weather is rather ineffective Inspections gave me an extension till March.
Meanwhile I formulated a plan- how else would a gimp who is too unsteady to utilize a ladder paint trim twenty some feet up? With no solid base to support a work platform around my house scaffolding or a powered work platform were out of the question. The best plan I could come up with was to build a scaffold atop my pickup truck's bed, giving me a moveable work platform just high enough to reach the highest trim with a long handled brush.
Now the wise Northside homeowner doesn't put themselves in a vulnerable position whilst making such DIY repairs- note my remarks on the Northside standard operating procedure for lawn mowing. It was thusly neccessary to establish a security perimeter (fancy name for high and sturdy fence) before beginning the actual repainting. I started putting a fence around my yard this spring and got it about half way around the house.
And then my left knee blew out. Those of you who have met me in person know I've had a gimpy right leg and questionable balance due to MS for over a decade. Now my left knee has blown out and I have a permanent restriction of one hour on my feet a day. Given the demands of work, the mowing tasks demanded by the grass gendarmes, and having to schedule around the local gang activities this means I might get the fence done in a couple years if nothing else interferes.
Of course our Inspections Department's crack Paint Police exercise zero tolerance in bringing us scofflaw gimp homeowners to justice. A few days ago I thusly was delivered a "FINAL NOTICE" by Inspections, informing me that I would face repeated inspection fees at $100 a crack, remediation costs, and probably hard time in Shakopee if I don't immediately comply.
Evaluating my options, or lack of same, I considered paying someone to paint the trim for me. Of course, no reputable contractor will do work of this sort in the 'hood, and I wouldn't ask some fly by night outfit to risk life and limb trying to paint the upper reaches of my abode without proper equipment. Then I remembered that Hawthorne still has deferred loans left for absentee landlords- I could use their dollars to jerry rig a second kitchen and bath and give me a duplex to rent out! With lots of rental housing on the Northside already vacant this was a questionable business plan, never mind the ethical concerns. Believe it or not, Sly Di does have some scruples...
Then I thought of the future. With the value of mine and other property in much of Minneapolis steadily dropping and Inspections Dept.. adding inspection fees and such to my tax bill at a regular rate there comes a point a few years out where my tax bill will be more than my house is worth. Yup, you know what I'm thinking... It takes darn near a decade for the county to take possession of tax forfeit property. We saw this before- the two lots next to me went tax forfeit and were torched. Our not so fair city spent about $10,000 on each, and ended up selling them to me for $100 each. I built a garage on one, and the other is big enough to park an RV. I still haven't gotten around to legally combining the three properties into one on the plat books and PIDs...
My garage is structurally sounder than my house. Fully insulated, it's easy to heat and stays cool in the summer. Put in a bit of plumbing and one could quite comfortably live there. And most importantly, the highest piece of trim won't need painting for years and is all of 7 feet above the ground. I built my garage only 16 feet wide for several reasons, one of which is the fact that moving a structure under 16 feet wide doesn't require a house moving permit. Yes, gimps may not be much at climbing but we can jack up a garage and haul it away on a trailer with the best of 'em!
In conclusion, it appears that ultimately the city will put more "inspection fees" and such on my tax rolls than my house is worth. So sometime around 2010 Hennipen County will be the not so proud owner of my home. If the city can afford it they'll get to tear my house down, plant grass, and pay to mow it and clear the sidewalks on an unbuildable lot for posterity. I'll be enjoyably wandering the countryside by motorcycle or RV, though once and awhile I'll maybe park the RV on my lot next door or stop by my garage to switch motorcycles. Or maybe my garage will become the shell of my retirement home in the country... Multiply this by the thousands of other properties that will go tax forfeit and we'll probably bankrupt Minneapolis. Hey. we warned ya...
getting evicted in Hawthorne,
Dyna Sluyter
TEMPORARY REMINDER: 1. Don't feed the troll! Ignore obvious flame-bait. 2. If you don't like what's being discussed here, don't complain - change the subject (Mpls-specific, of course.)
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