Developing a child Self-Confidence
At the age of two, a child starts to form her attitude towards the world around
her. Some developmental psychologists think that the sense of self-confidence
is one of the first of these attitudes and the strength of these feelings at
age 2 depends on the kind of care that the child receives and on the parents
attitude in meeting her basic needs. At this stage the child shows signs of
development by showing a desire for independence, as she needs the freedom to
speak, walk and play. All of that is connected to the need to assert herself
which can only be achieved by allowing her a measure of independence. This is
confirmed by the theory of development through maturity which says that we
should respect the childs individuality and leave him or her to develop
naturally. Some girls grow up lacking self-confidence so that they cannot rely
upon themselves in any matter, major or minor. They rarely take any initiative
and are always waiting for someone
to say, Do such and such. If faced with a problem, such a girl will be
unable to take any decision and may try to avoid confronting the problem, or
start crying. This is partly the parents fault, and it may be for a number of
reasons, such as:
1: Too much control (Do this, dont do that) in major and minor
matters alike, even if the matter does not warrant it, so that the child loses
her spontaneity and this makes her lose confidence in her actions, and instead
she always waits for someone to correct her and reassure her that she is doing
the right thing.
2: Blaming and criticizing her for everything she does, seeking out her
faults and rebuking her if she makes a mistake, so that she is blamed and
rebuked more than she deserves at the time when she is expecting praise for her
efforts. This destroys the childs motivation to act or to compete in doing
anything and doing it well.
3: Not giving the child the opportunity to speak in front of others for
fear that she may make a mistake or speak of things that are not desirable, or
else allowing her to speak but telling her what she should say.
4: Giving her too many warnings about danger, which will make her
always expect the worst and imagine that she is surrounded by danger on all
sides.
5: Putting her down or comparing her to others, which makes her think
that she has no worth.
6: Making fun of her and mocking her.
7: Not paying attention to her questions.
8: Paying too much attention in a manner that shows excessive worry
about her health or her future.
Lack of self-confidence has many negative effects on the child, such as:
1: She will not be able to do anything independently, and if she is asked
to bring something and finds that it differs from the description given, she
will be hesitant; if she is faced with a problem she will be unable to take a
decision.
2: She will become dull-witted and not creative.
3: She will start to complain and feel unhappy whenever anything is asked
of her, because she thinks that she will be blamed for whatever she does and
that she will not be able to do it in the manner required.
4: She will become weak-willed and will have no resolve, and she will feel
meek and apathetic in situations where such attitudes are not appropriate, and
will become neglectful and disorganized.
5: She will suffer anxiety and frustration, and will develop a hostile
attitude or a tendency to become introverted and withdrawn.
In order to avoid these negative effects on the child, parents should use a
number of ways to develop the childs self-confidence. Some examples follow,
but this is not a complete list:
A: They should draw up some general guidelines to follow by telling her
what Allaah has made permissible, which she may do, and what He has forbidden,
which she must avoid. They should make her aware of noble attributes and good
manners, and instill in her a dislike for bad manners, deeds and words, and the
need to steer clear of trivial matters. Then after that they should give her
the freedom to act on her own initiative.
B: The mother should assign her some tasks that she is able to do. If
she makes a mistake the mother should praise her for her initiative and
encourage her, then tell her what she should have done. Sometimes she should
just praise her for her efforts, then complete the work in a gentle manner,
without telling her directly. If the task is not something that the child is
able to do, then the mother may do it and consult the child and ask for her
opinion, and let the child state what she thinks is good and is not, so that
the child will realize that everyone is vulnerable to making mistakes but also
gets things right sometimes. This will strengthen her resolve.
C: The parents should try to praise the child in front of her relatives
and friends, and give her rewards commensurate with her efforts. They should
praise her for the acts of worship that she does, such as praying regularly,
memorizing Quraan, doing well in her studies, having a good attitude, and so on.
D: They should give her a nickname that will distinguish her from
others, but they should not allow anyone to call her by a bad nickname. If she
makes them angry they should call her by her real name, so that she will
realize that she has fallen short in her duty to one or both of them, or that
she has wronged somebody, so that she will realize that.
E: Strengthening her will-power, by getting her used to two things,
namely:
(a) Keeping secrets: when she knows how to keep secrets and not divulge
them, then her will-power will develop and grow stronger, and thus her
self-confidence will increase.
(b) Getting her used to fasting, for when she stands firm in the face of
hunger and thirst when fasting, she will feel the joy of achieving victory over
her nafs (self), which will strengthen her will-power when facing life, which
in turn will increase her self-confidence.
F: Strengthening her confidence in dealing with other people. This may
be done by getting her to do housework, obeying the parents commands, and
letting her sit with the adults and get together with other youngsters.
G: Strengthening her confidence in gaining knowledge, by teaching her
the Quraan and the Sunnah of the Messenger of Allaah SAWS (peace and blessings
of Allaah be upon him), and his Seerah (biography), so that she will grow up
having acquired abundant knowledge in childhood, so that she will have a sense
of confidence in the knowledge that she has, because she will have gained the
basic principles of true knowledge, far removed from myths and legends.
On the other hand, the parents must also take some precautions and take
effective measures to save the child from feeling inadequate. Some of the
things that cause a child to feel inadequate are: belittling her, humiliating
her and mocking her, such as calling her by offensive names and words in front
of her siblings and relatives, or even in front of her friends or in front of
strangers whom she has never met before. These are matters which may make her
regard herself as insignificant and worthless, or may generate psychological
complexes that will make her look at others with hatred and dislike, and make
her withdraw into herself in order to escape from life.
Even if the offensive words that slip from the parents tongues are only for
the purpose of disciplining the child for some mistake, great or small, it is
not right to use this method to correct her, as this will have a bad effect on
the childs psyche and personal conduct, and it will make her accustomed to the
language of condemnation and insult that will destroy her psychologically and
morally.
The best way of dealing with this problem is to explain to the child, in a
gentle manner, where she has gone wrong and to give her proof that will
convince her to avoid the mistake in future; the parents should not scold her,
and certainly not in front of others. The parents should use good methods in
correcting her from the outset, following the example of the Messenger SAWS
(peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) in the way he reformed and trained
people and corrected their mistakes. For the child is very sensitive and
readily influenced, irrational and helpless. Building the childs
self-confidence is the first step in building her personality through all
stages of life.
(source-islam-qa)
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In the name of Allah, the Most-Merciful, the All-Compassionate
"May the Peace and Blessings of Allah be Upon You"
Praise be to Allaah, we seek His help and His forgiveness. We seek refuge with
Allaah from the evil of our own souls and from our bad deeds. Whomsoever Allaah
guides will never be led astray, and whomsoever Allaah leaves astray, no one
can guide. I bear witness that there is no god but Allaah, and I bear witness
that Muhammad is His slave and Messenger.
Bismillah Walhamdulillah Was Salaatu Was Salaam 'ala Rasulillah
As-Salaam Alaikum Wa-Rahmatullahi Wa-Barakatuhu
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