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GOD BLESS
By Art Buchwald

There are so many people to thank this Christmas, I don't know
where to begin.

First, I would like to thank the People's Sweat Shop of
Shanghai for the beautiful American flag glove and scarf set,
which makes me feel very patriotic.

To the Taiwan Watch Factory, who made it possible for me to
have a knock-off of a Rolex, I send my appreciation.  No one
could tell the difference and it only cost $19.50.  (The one
with fake diamonds costs only $29.95.)

And I don't want to forget the luggage with the Stars
and Stripes on it, made in Child Labor Factory Number 4
in the Philippines.  It looks exactly like a real Louis
Vuitton and even has a lifetime guarantee.

My gratitude to the government inspectors in Sri Lanka.  The
tennis shoes with an American flag stenciled on them were a
size 7 and I'm an 11.  I am sending them back.  I thank you
for letting me exchange them.

I would also like to thank the woman in Nepal for the cashmere
sweaters on which she knitted ``God Bless America.'' If you
bought one you got one free.  So my wife now has two.

And lest we forget, I'll always be grateful for the Bavarian
cuckoo clock from Korea that plays ``My
Country 'Tis of Thee'' on the hour.  Please wish all
the prisoners who worked on it in Seoul Prison Number 3
my best regards.

There are so many people I'd like to thank for making my
holiday such a great one.

The toy U.S.  Marines from Bombay, India were a big hit with
my son and he hasn't stopped playing with them.

And the woman Naval flying officer doll was a smash with my
daughter who is 32.

Another big hit was a dancing Santa Claus holding an American
flag in his hand made by the Hutus in Madagascar.  Everyone
loves it.

Unfortunately, the Mother Soon Wong fruitcake from Hong Kong
arrived smashed, but we're not blaming Mother Soon Wong.  She
didn't know it was being sent through the U.S.  Postal Service.

It's amazing how many individuals can contribute to
one's Christmas.  The people who make these products
are as happy as those who received them.  Did I tell you about
the prescription drugs I got from Tijuana, Mexico?  My wife
wrapped them in a beautiful box, which said,
"Take 50 percent off tagged price."

I did get a Christmas wrapped bottle of men's cologne called
"America's Best," with "Made in the USA" printed on it.
I asked the family, "How did this get in here?  To be safe
we'd better open it in the garage...."
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