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IN THE NEWS
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China's first beauty pageant for women who have undergone
plastic surgery is coming up.
The ladies will be awarded for best figure, biggest change
and best stage demeanor.
Organizers say they want to emphasize the upside of plastic
surgery.
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DID YA KNOW OR DO YA CARE?
It has been estimated that 95% of Americans eat turkey at
Thanksgiving.
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TODAY'S LINKS:
NORAD Tracks Santa
<a href=" http://www.noradsanta.org/ "> aol</a>
Looney Tunes
http://looneytunes.warnerbros.com/web/homepage/homepage.jsp
Wendy's Christmas Site
<a href=" http://site.hindy.id.au/xmas/xmas1.html "> aol</a>
Jokeworm Jokes
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Jokeworm Trivia
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You Just Might Be A Scrooge...
If your only contact with three spirits on Christmas Eve is gin,
vodka and bourbon - you just might be a Scrooge
If you turn on the lawn sprinklers on Christmas Eve to keep
carolers away - you just might be a Scrooge
If you buy all of your Christmas gifts at a store that also sells
gas - you just might be a Scrooge
If your favorite version of "Babes in Toyland" stars Michael
Jackson - you just might be a Scrooge
If you get your Christmas Tree at a rest stop at night - you
just might be a Scrooge
If you give bathroom fixtures as Christmas gifts - you just
might be a Scrooge
If your prized Christmas ornament is Santa Claus shooting
the moon - you just might be a Scrooge
If your favorite Christmas movie is Jurassic Park - you just
might be a Scrooge
If your idea of Christmas dinner is a six pack of beer and a
cheese log - you just might be a Scrooge
If you think "Ho, Ho, Ho" is a line from a Rocky movie - you
just might be a Scrooge
If your best Christmas tradition involves a fire and reindeer
meat - you just might be a Scrooge
If your favorite version of "Silent Night" is sung by OJ Simpson
you just might be a Scrooge
If your favorite past time is putting defective bulbs in your
neighbors' string of Christmas lights or defacing Christmas
lawn caricatures with egg nog - you just might be a Scrooge
And, finally - if your only holiday decoration is a rotting
pumpkin - you just might be a Scrooge
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A mother asked her small son what he would like for his birthday.
"I'd like a little brother," the boy said.
"Oh my, that's such a big wish," said the mother. "Why do you
want a little brother?"
"Well," said the boy, "there's only so much I can blame on the
dog."
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TODAY'S TOONS:
Bad News
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Jokeworm Pics
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CHOCOLATE CHRISTMAS
Twas the night before Christmas and all round
my hips
Were Fannie May candies that sneaked past
my lips.
Fudge brownies were stored in the freezer
with care,
In hopes that my thighs would forget they
were there.
While Mama in her girdle and I in chin straps
Had just settled down to sugar-borne naps.
When out in the pantry there arose such a
clatter,
I sprang from my bed to see what was the
matter.
Away to the kitchen I flew like a flash,
Tore open the icebox then threw up the sash.
The marshmallow look of the new-fallen snow
Sent thoughts of a binge to my body below.
When what to my wandering eyes should appear:
A marzipan Santa with eight chocolate reindeer!
That huge chunk of candy so luscious and slick
I knew in a second that I'd wind up sick.
The sweet-coated Santa, those sugared reindeer,
I closed my eyes tightly but still I could hear;
On Pritzker, on Stillman, on weak one, on TOPS
A Weight Watcher dropout from sugar detox.
From the top of the scales to the top of the hall
Now dash away pounds; now dash away all.
Dressed up in Lane Bryant from my head to
nightdress
My clothes were all bulging from too much excess.
My droll little mouth and my round little belly
They shook when I laughed like a bowl full of jelly.
I spoke not a word but went straight to my work
Ate all of the candy then turned with a jerk.
And laying a finger beside my heartburn
Gave a quick nod toward the bedroom I turned.
I eased into bed, to the heavens I cry
If temptation's removed I'll get thin by and by.
And I mumbled again as I turned for the night
"In the morning I'll starve...
'til I take that first bite!"
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