RANT It's hard to know where to begin. I don't sleep well at nights, wake early and go into pseudo-narrative mode. I might fall back to sleep, I usually don't. I wake up thinking about whether I'm actually beginning to become incapacitated mentally, as a result of the lockdown, but also because of the effects and violence of institutions and institutionalization. Let me explain. More and more I find institutions problematic; we all know their effect, lots of writing about them from the 50s on. They tend to close in on themselves, create the semblance of governance. "We" all know that some institutions are bad, mental institutions for example, and some are good, potentially the United Nations for example. But there are internalized worlds (again, phenomenology from the 1950s on) that create, not only illusions of power, but real power, which people relate to. Academic institutions in this sense, for those of us outside them, are incredibly damaging, and many of us also hold megachurches and fundamentalisms as damaging as well. What might be overlooked is the sieve-like nature of many of these, that people might come and go, and that they provide havens and structures which serve and psychologically benefit their communities as well. Whatever one thinks of Q, it's a haven; whatever one thinks of critical race theory, it's not. It takes energy and extension to self-critique, and, in my case, that has worked marvelously inside academia - everything from library access to colloquia to publications to healthcare to reasonable retirement plans, and so forth. Academic institutions are steering media; their horizons are both porous and hardened; one jumps through hoops for any degree or job from adjunct to tenure, from assistant to dean. I see some of the best minds of my generation stressed beyond belief, without any real support structure, constantly knocking at the doors, constantly being told that they have to wait, that the Other's busy, the Other is always busy, that slots have been filled, that you don't belong, that you belong by proxy, that you had your chance, that you never had a chance because you didn't deserve to have a chance, that yes yes we know all that - but you're not living, you're reading about all that, on and on. We're increasingly beggars in the worlds of academia, research, institutions in general; just as we're priced out of the housing market, we're intellectually priced out of discourse in the culture, whatever culture we're all talking about. More and more I understand with a gut feeling the appeal of the right (mind you I'm NOT going there); institutions can be real havens, and those that don't demand phds or etc. etc. can be really welcoming. (See Charles Kriel's recent documentary, People You May Know.) That welcoming is absolutely essential; even though I've taught at a number of places (and at my age have no chance of course of being hired again), I never felt welcomed within them (with the exception of NSCAD) - instead too often I felt the brunt of the tenured faculty myself (at one university for example I was literally told at the end of the semester to fail one of my grad students - who I gave an A to - because "we want to get rid of her" - at another a deal was struck between the dean and department head to fire me on the condition that the entire line (new media) would be eliminated, saving the university money). The real divisions then were between the tenured and non-tenured and between "closed" and open meetings. There have also been issues of teaching - at two universities I offered courses for free and was condemned for that. There's a deep breadth to belonging (as I said, none of this is new, this is a rant) - as an artist when I was employed, I had access to equipment, tech support, internal projects which were often funded, and so forth. Everything was up-to-date. Outside the university, outside education, outside religious institutions, you're on your own. So of course the answer is that in order to obtain these things, you pay the price of admission - the answer to that is that in many countries grant structures are much more open than they seem to be here. (On the bright side in my case, I've also had academics go to bat for me - I've had residencies at several universities, one even lasting for close to a year. But now at my age - another issue - these aren't forthcoming, and won't be again. My work is archived at least, but there are so many artists I know whose work should be, and isn't work that's just destroyed after they've passed on. And so forth.) Everything here is obvious, and I know I've been privileged in so many ways. I do get tired of writing begging letters, reminding letters, working with very outdated equipment, having no real access to academic community, luckily wandering the halls of places that would have me for a day or a week, and so forth. And I know I should "move on," "make way for another generation" and so forth. But the daily reality here, at least, is getting up in the morning, working on a piece perhaps, writing reminder letters or begging letters or asking for advice letters or wondering what is happening to my mind, whether I'm "losing it," whether I'll survive my own depression and anxiety, and so forth. I'm utterly grateful to Azure who is an unbelievably deep companion, and grateful for the friends I have who I can talk with about these things. I think in the long run we're all caught up in a harsher and harsher America, where critical race theory - or critical theory of any kind - becomes something bad, and where too many white people and their institutions would like nothing better than the annihilations or expulsions. In short none of us are doing well, but there are institutions that provide community, and those of us who are left out have "no one to blame but ourselves," which we do, over and over again. (Now it sounds like the complaint of a privileged white person, but this is broader, and I have no idea really how anyone survives without community and praxis. If they do, and I've know people who haven't.) (A final issue - it's inconceivable to me that politicians so often turn their backs on real issues of race, gender, refugees, etc. etc. The pain so many people go through on a daily basis is unimaginable - or all too imaginable in fact. Inequality in the country seems to be getting worse - the "right" of the old Tea Party seems mild in comparison with thugs driving cars into crowds. So many people here feel they don't belong in the country - even now, with a Democratic president. And so many people live in hidden or not so hidden fear.) End of rant. _______________________________________________ NetBehaviour mailing list [email protected] https://lists.netbehaviour.org/mailman/listinfo/netbehaviour
