I understand you sooo well. Nothing much to say: keep up the good work! +++++ Clément
On Fri, Mar 20, 2009 at 2:48 PM, james morris <[email protected]> wrote: > my failures XXXin jwm-art.netXXX on the internet > { > spending too much time in jwm-art.net > designing too many things in jwm-art.net > in a single website in jwm-art.net > XXXchanging too many things too oftenXXX > writing all my own code > re-inventing the wheel > documenting with too many photographs XXXand videosXXX > documenting code with not enough comments or too many > wrong comments > with too many texts and audio files > hiding out too much of the time in my XXXinstallationXXX website > spending too much time believing the lists i'm a member of are all > i need to bring what is of interest on the internet to me > writing over and over again about myself, jwm-art.net > forgetting jwm-art.net is a tiny little world, and i've no significance > forgetting there's more to life than linux > not applying for grants and exhibitions or jobs in the real world > not looking after myself in jwm-art.net > thinking too much inside the box > hoping uselessly for grants and commissions and philanthropists to > support my habit > but never applying for any > kludging and never learning XXXscripting languageXXX mysql > XXXnever entering jwm-art.net in my dreamsXXX > pretending that jwm-art.net has some XXXontologicalXXX status > XXXthinking i'll never die in jwm-art.netXXX > never finding real XXXpublicationXXX recognition for the jwm-art.net > XXXtextsXXX work > never getting past XXXmoderatedXXX email lists or the occasional forum > with my jwm-art.net texts > being a useless speller and having limited vocabularly > never really getting audience or XXXreadershipXXX a user base > never really having extended dialog about anything XXXthe virtualXXX > misrecognizing my XXXjwm-art.net workXXX software as having > XXXphilosophicalXXX artistic implications > thinking my jwm-art.net work somehow extends the nature my mind XXXthe > virtualXXX > feeling too hopeless XXXand too close to death even when inXXX about > myself XXXjwm-art.netXXX > and never releasing jwm-art.net into XXXfirstXXX life and never calming > down > hoping uselessly that my jwm-art.net work will exist > at least for a short time after i have no bank balance XXXno longer work > in jwm-art.netXXX > and hoping uselessly as well that my work will continue > and exist somehow in spite of the ephemeral nature of my finances > XXXdata-basesXXX > being unable to attract outside attention for my jwm-art.net work > not even trying > being unable to feel i've accomplished anything at all > and feeling useless participating in issues of governance going nowhere > feeling useless in jwm-art.net and then feeling useless in general > thinking i've wasted XXXnine months ofXXX my life for an invisible > project > never having the means to attend conferences and seminars > and almost always presenting jwm-art.net from a distance > as if XXXthe virtuality ofXXX jwm-art.net conjured up XXXthe virtualXXX > my genius > XXXand as if the virtual always begets the virtualXXX > finding it impossible to really suture between jwm-art.net performance > and XXXliveXXX my performance in life > and never having access to adequate technology to explore XXXthis areaXXX > the network > never meeting the sysadmins who own and control the hosting machines > XXXjwm-art.netXXX > and never understanding the structure of the XXXjwm-art.net data-baseXXX > system calls > never working sufficiently well with XXXthe gaz stand-alone > applicationXXX the command line > and never really exploring XXXthe open-sim applicationXXX other peoples > code > feeling i haven't enough knowledge to contribute to XXXopen-simXXX other > peoples code > feeling lost there and finding no one really to collaborate with > who might extend my work or our work into XXXopen-simXXX the FLOSS > community and develop it in > depth XXXin jwm-art.net itselfXXX > feeling clumsy with my XXXavatars' dance movesXXX code expressions and > not understanding > how to develop even the simplest XXXavatar facial expressionsXXX DSP > filter and > XXXbody attitudesXXX real time audio > finding python, ruby, lisp and academic-art-language basically opaque > feeling like an idiot confronted with the simplest of theories > XXXthat i can only change in my dreams no matter how many ideas i haveXXX > above all realizing the foolishness and isolation of all of this > and being cut off from galleries and exhibitions, real-world > installations portals between jwm-art.net and the rest of the world > so that whatever i do remains in the tiniest corner of the world > no matter XXXfirst or second or third or fourth lifeXXX what > XXXwhile i wait to die or jwm-art.net to die or both of us or my workXXX > XXXto be corrupted elsewhere as data-bases and files disappearXXX > since another failure is my inability to get money XXXhard-copyXXX for > just > about anything i've tried to do in the past ten years or so > whether to get a permanent job XXXbooks published by academic pressesXXX > XXXthat might actually find their way onto book-store shelvesXXX > XXXor to get reasonable off-line video disks and printed graphicsXXX > or for that matter to get a XXXteachingXXX job that might put food on the > table > XXXor health care for both azure and myself or building repair or > somethingXXX > to end the XXXhysteriaXXX which seeps into my life when i think of these > things > when i think of all my failures in jwm-art.net > and the failures engendered in the real world by virtue of jwm-art.net > or the failures engendered whether or not jwm-art.net played any role > XXXin them and i tend to exaggerate how much jwm-art.net is responsible > forXXX > my failures which are my own > my tawdry XXXinstallationXXX website is such a jumble it's called by its > domain nameXXXthe accidentXXX > after i called it jwm-art.net XXXthe accidental artist but the > installation itselfXXX > the art seems an accident and in any case jwm-art.net won't last forever > and i'll last a lot longer perhaps XXXand there never will be > afterwardsXXX > failing by authoring XXXwritingXXX too much and hoping at least one > person has read > the works XXXtextsXXX or what i call the imaginary audience > XXXpoetics and nettimeXXX they keep my work in a corner XXXoff their > listsXXX > in jwm-art.net i might have used too much bandwidth XXXserver timeXXX i > wish > who knows XXXbut my health is poor and i'm closer to anita berberXXX > XXXthan poor b.b. closer to valeska gert than mary wigmanXXX > XXXi failed to bring them into jwm-art.netXXX > they all ran away from jwm-art.net > they were smart and smarter than me > they do things in memory with pointers and attributes i don't understand > XXXi've been spending too much time in memory and my data is in memoryXXX > my data XXXmiscarriedXXX has fence-post errors > i'm lost in my data and my data has fence-post errors XXXmiscarriedXXX > XXXhttp://www.alansondheim.org/ scribble pngsXXX > feeling like i'm ignored just because i don't always get responses to > my work > expecting people to have the time for my work when i don't have the time > for theirs because i'm too busy making my own > always doing my own thing and never contributing to anything else > posting replies to myself because i forgot to provide information or i > got it wrong the first time > making a release of software five minutes after the previous release > because i forgot something > never really knowing hwat i'm tryingb to sat > my failures in jwm-art.net_LAST > }; > http://www.jwm-art.net/art/image/failures.png > http://www.jwm-art.net/art/image/failures2.png > > _______________________________________________ > NetBehaviour mailing list > [email protected] > http://www.netbehaviour.org/mailman/listinfo/netbehaviour > _______________________________________________ NetBehaviour mailing list [email protected] http://www.netbehaviour.org/mailman/listinfo/netbehaviour
