http://socialfabric.jeron.org/works/2008/09/03/borderline/
Alan Sondheim schrieb: > triggers - > > thoughts of death and annihilation > -- when i can't get dying out of my mind > -- when i find annihilation intolerable > -- when i'm living through my death and annihilation > > thoughts of events immediately after my death > -- when i think of azure seeing, something, anything, immediately > after my death > -- when i think of my loved belongings, dispersed, on unknown journeys > -- when i think of the matrix of my life dissolving > -- when i can't express this to others > > remembering my father's behavior towards me > -- when i think of growing up in a horizon of tempers and screaming > -- when my mother remained aloof or blind to this > -- when i remember crumbling under psychic violence > -- when i can't express this to others > -- when i can't deal with authority, including my own > -- when i deconstruct authority to the point of abjection and > annihilation > > my sister's behavior, violence, and power of attorney > -- when i she doesn't give me even a modicum of respect > -- when i see her collusion with my father and his blind spot with her > -- when i see my father rejecting his sons > -- when i think about any of this > > my sexuality uneasily escaping fantasy, ghosting everywhere > -- when the fantasy mixes art and the real world > -- when i my work makes others uncomfortable > -- when i can't deal with my own sexuality > -- when i feel i'm distorted, ugly, ogre, meagre > -- when i express myself poorly to others > > fear of becoming homeless > -- when i find our financial situation one of constant loss and > struggle > -- when i try to come to grips with stress and find this inconceivable > -- when i find peacefulness inconceivable > -- when i worry that everything i've accomplished will disappear > -- when i fear i have accomplished nothing > > fear of losing azure > -- when i realize she has to be saint and martyr to survive with me > -- when i inadvertently hurt or or withdraw because of triggering > -- when she gets exhausted over the same old thing of mine > -- when i feel i never pay her enough attention > -- when i realize how much i love her and it's frightening, thinking > she has saved me > -- when i worry about salvation from anywhere > -- when i feel hopeless > > fear of triggering > -- when i feel the thoughts coming, and find no way to stop them > -- when my life seems almost catatonic and surviving under onslaught > -- when everything feels neutralized and joyless > -- when i recognize the history of the planet as one of continuous > slaughter > -- when i know that triggering only leads to the abyss > -- when i sense the chemicals taking over, the intrinsic processes > of my body out of control > -- when i sense that being out of control is a permanent condition > -- when i feel my mind turns against me in every direction > -- when i feel the presence of authority, for this always diminishes me > -- when i live a life of absolute and permanent regret > -- when my joy carries the seeds of its own destruction on the surface > > for i know that triggering > -- is an irreversible descent, carrying my world with it > -- transforms my world into the world, so there is no escape > -- turns suicide neither into a question nor an answer, but defuge and > useless > -- when alternatives decay > -- when i can't speak but bluster, when i lose my breath, when i sweat > profusely, when i cry uncontrollably, when i become dizzy and stumble > about, when fear cries from every pore, when 'anything' sets me off, > sets me shaking, when the very thought of triggers bring legions of > them, > -- and when i, in despair, remain on the surface of spews, seethings, > abjections, untoward and extreme sexualities, pushing art and life to > the limit, returning with nothing but fear, shame, exhaustion - > returning with nothing usable, nothing at all > > _______________________________________________ > NetBehaviour mailing list > [email protected] > http://www.netbehaviour.org/mailman/listinfo/netbehaviour > _______________________________________________ NetBehaviour mailing list [email protected] http://www.netbehaviour.org/mailman/listinfo/netbehaviour
