Bad starts/ blaming

By starting to write, I hope things will emerge.

I have to do something today, I want to be creative. There's a force that needs a release, but I cant decide what to do. It's one of my dedicated days where I do creative work, where I do my own stuff. A free day, to do what I call Art, yet I dont know what to do. 

I want to make a fresh start, it's a new year, a new me. I'm think of doing more writing, as the drawing is getting me nowhere. Well not "nowhere" but in that general direction if you get my drift. So this is me writing.

I know how to write I think, believe, yet I suspect I don't. There are all these courses nowadays for creative writing, and I haven't done one, so maybe I need to do that? 

I keep glancing over at my notebooks, but cant be bothered to sift through. My eyes are tired, my head full of confusion. I know I should look at all my years of ideas, maybe there's some good stuff in there. Sometimes I cant bear to read those things, often I cringe, especially the stuff I wrote while working for a bank, too painful by half.

I sit at my table and watch the steam pumping out of the combi boilers across the road.

Dont give up. Fight your tiredness.

Confused.

My confusion is made up of many things. Anger, resentment, fear, lost, are all in there I know. Rude awakenings each morning by our little children. Rude but of course one of those idyllic pictures of happy children enjoying waking up their parents, and it's got to be something to enjoy and cherish, hasnt it? It wont last forever they tell us. Old misery guts. Yes I love them, yes the picture of them bouncing on the bed and on my head each morning is so cute and full of love, of course it is. But yet it leaves me feeling quite traumatised. I need a quiet start to the day, maybe it's my age but I cant blame everything on this. I crave silence, a warm breeze gently blowing through the windows, stimulating my creativity. The sound of seagulls bobbing along the waves.

Rubbish, pure hollywood.

Each morning I feel I've made a bad start, things aren't right, must change them. Change it all, nothing's right! Yet that's not right either, it's childish, act like a grown-up. Calm down.

Confused. Maybe if i felt a sense of purpose, some direction, then I would be filled with a power, a force, and new energy? A new dynamic me, energised! Nice idea. Maybe I should get out of bed before they get in, maybe it's as simple as that.

But it's not just that, is it the place that's wrong? Or the job? Yes that bloody job, web design, what a career that is. Tell your children to do anything but this.

Blame it on all these things, but dont blame the kids.

Maybe I should just blame myself

ok I wrote something. It's a start.