https://vimeo.com/channels/staffpicks/67457641
On Nov 2, 2013, at 6:17 AM, Alan Sondheim <[email protected]> wrote: > > > Failure > > I'm not writing this for sympathy; I've come to a realization > about my music, that I've failed at it for the second time - the > first was when I played music in the 60s (although the records > were re-released several times). What I wrote on Facebook - > > thinking of quitting music, the cds we're doing are having a > hard time coming out, there's almost no audience for the stuff > i'm putting online, less in providence, i sit here and practice > by myself for no reason at all. we're playing in brooklyn in a > couple of weeks and the logistics are costing a fortune and are > otherwise horrendous. and there's too many instruments, too much > fakery on my part. i could sell or trade everything off except > for the shakuhachi and guitar. providence is a good place to > think about this stuff; my music feels like suicide... > > The specifics - having to pay for one of my releases, and the > other dragged down by the recording company director; having > very small audiences when we play; having to pay far too much > for an upcoming gig in NY - my fault since I play numerous > instruments and they're hard to move around; having to practice > by myself constantly without really having a reason to do it; > feeling isolated and hiding behind rare instruments; feeling a > bit of a fake when it comes to musical knowledge and ability to > hear intervals correctly; feeling more of a fake when I play > fretless instruments, always desperately looking for consonance; > having to repair and research instruments; feeling like a freak > just like I did originally in Providence when I was at Brown > University; feeling exhausted having to push myself constantly, > by myself, over and over again; and other biographical issues > not related to music - feeling forced to leave New York, > stressed and depressed from a thirteen-month unsuccessful co-op > search in the city; coming down with various illnesses; kicking > anxiety drugs; missing the energy of the city; dealing with way > over 90-decibel noise on occasion from the bar next door; just > growing old and not wanting to start over yet again. So yes, > this is whining, I've invested so much in these instruments and > the music I can do, on occasion, on them, but there's no deep > interest in this stuff, I may be between Fahey and Bailey on a > good day but physical improvisation doesn't matter in a digital > era when anyone can dial in anything. I've been interested in > 'coming up' against or through an instrument, but this doesn't > carry over to people actually listening to the results. > > I have to make a decision here in the next few weeks, the gig > with ESP-Disk in NY won't change anything, I'll probably sound > exhausted. And the money just keeps leaking out; I feel I'm on > drugs, that it's a question of addiction, that I can't afford > financially or physically any longer... > > This is why my music and writing have been screwed up, abrupt, > neuroticized more than usual, if that's possible, this hatred of > slow suicide, of playing at a hobby I've never been good at. > > I'm not asking for comments btw, I've got to figure this out > myself, I can always hide out in a virtual world or clever text > (which this isn't)... > > _______________________________________________ > NetBehaviour mailing list > [email protected] > http://www.netbehaviour.org/mailman/listinfo/netbehaviour _______________________________________________ NetBehaviour mailing list [email protected] http://www.netbehaviour.org/mailman/listinfo/netbehaviour
