Dave Barry's Colonoscopy Journal:
.. I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make
anappointment for a colonoscopy. A few days later, in his office, Andy
showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to
go
all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis .
Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough,
reassuring and patient manner. I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't
really
hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, quote,
'HE'S GOING TO
STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'
I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a
prescription
for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large
enough to hold
a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now
suffice
it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America
's
enemies.
I spent the next several days productively sitting around being
nervous.
Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In
accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day;
all I
had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor.
Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of
powder
together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm
water.
(For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32
gallons.)
Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because
MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat
spit
and
urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.
The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great
sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose watery bowel
movement may result.' This is kind of like saying that after you jump
off
your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.
MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here,
but:
Have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the
MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you
wish
the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much
confined
to
the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then,
when
you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter
of
MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into
the
future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.
After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep. The next
morning
my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I
worried
about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return
bouts
of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?'
How do
you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not
be
enough.
At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood
and
totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me
to
a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little
curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those
hospital
garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it
on,
makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.
Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand.
Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was
already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in
their MoviPrep. At first was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this,
but
then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to
make
it
to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose
Mode.
You
would have no choice but to burn your house.
When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room,
where
Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see
the
17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there
somewhere.
I was seriously nervous at this point. Andy had me roll over on my left
side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the
needle
in
my hand. There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the
song
was 'Dancing Queen' by Abba. I remarked to Andy that, of all the
songs
that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing
Queen' has
to be the least appropriate. ?You want me to turn it up?' said Andy,
from
somewhere behind me. 'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the
moment I
had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare
yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly
what
it was like.
I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, Abba was
shrieking
'Dancing Queen! Feel the beat from the tambourine ...' and the
next moment,
I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood. Andy was
looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt
even
more excellent when Andy told me that it was all over, and that my
colon
had
passed with flying colors.
I have never been prouder of an internal organ.
Shook
~ Upgrade to Next Generation Antispam/Antivirus with Ninja! ~
~ <http://www.sunbelt-software.com/SunbeltMessagingNinja.cfm> ~
