I couldn't resist sending this one to this community that works so hard not to let people get stereotyped. I hope you enjoy it.
Birgitt ---------- > From: Mike <[email protected]> > To: [email protected] > Subject: humor > Date: February 25, 1998 3:57 PM > > notes from > "MANGLING IMPERSONAL RELATIONSHIPS" > > Copious research has conclusively shown that there are exactly > two dimensions to human personality: self-control and evangelism. > > > THE SELF-CONTROL SCALE > > The self-control scale denotes the degree to which a person maintains > control of his or her emotions. Humans are evenly distributed along > this scale with Spock at one end (although he is really half Vulcan) and > Sally Field at the other (see Figure 1). > > Figure 1. Self-Control Scale > > Self-Control > +---------------------------------------+ > | | > Spock Sally Field > | | > Shows absolutely no Operates purely on > emotion whatsoever, unless emotion. Cries when > under the influence of mind- reading "The Family Circus" > altering drugs, such as pod or when nominated for an > spray. Oscar. > > > THE EVANGELISM SCALE > > The evangelism scale denotes the degree to which a person forces his > or her opinions and beliefs on others. Like the self-control scale, > humans are evenly distributed on this scale, with Supreme Court > nominees on one end and Jimmy Swaggert at the other (see Figure 2). > > Figure 2. Evangelism Scale > > Evangelism > +---------------------------------------+ > | | > Supreme Court Justice David Souter Swaggart > (before being nominated) > | | > Opinions could not Offers opinions freely > even be extricated and without provocation, > through Senate judicial often frothing at the > hearings. mouth and sweating > profusely. > > > WHERE ARE YOU ON THE SCALES? > > Where each person falls on the self-control and evangelism scales is > genetically predetermined and can be calculated from a questionnaire of > 20 or so questions that you give to five of your friends/coworkers. > This questionnaire was scientifically engineered and is backed up by > copious research, so regardless of who answers this questionnaire > (convenience store clerks, your mother, your worst enemies), your > location on the scales is always the same. Oh, there have been some > exceptions, but they were due to people getting confused when filling in > the dots on the questionnaire. > > > THE PERSONALITY QUADRANTS > > Copious research has shown that there are four quadrants in which we > can stereotype human personalities (see Figure 3). This graph is > derived from the two personality scales, with Evangelism as the X axis > and Self-Control as the Y axis. > > Figure 3. The Personality Quadrants > > low E v a n g e l i s m high > (0) +--------------------------+--------------------------+(20) > | | | > | | | > | Anal-Retentives | Megalomaniacs | > | | | > | | | > S | | | > e | | | > l | | | > f | | | > - | | | > C +--------------------------+--------------------------+ > o | | | > n | | | > t | Spineless Wimps | Psychotics | > r | | | > o | | | > l | | | > | | | > | | | > | | | > | | | > +--------------------------+--------------------------+ > high > (20) > > Once your location on the scales is determined, we can plot your > personality on a graph and pigeon-hole you for life! For example, if > your questionnaire shows 1 on the Self-Control scale and 1 on the > Evangelism scale, you would be classified as an Anal-Retentive, and > are probably enjoying these numbers immensely. If you scored 19 on > Self-Control and 19 on Evangelism, you are a Psychotic and are > probably throwing a tantrum at this moment. Of course, there is no > value judgement placed on any location in the quadrant: It's OK to be > a Spineless Wimp; it's OK to by Psychotic; it's OK to be where-ever > you are (although YOUR location is rather abnormal). > > By definition, the personality type of a particular quadrant hates the > personality type in the opposite quadrant. So, ARs hate Psychotics and > vice versa; likewise for SWs and Megalomaniacs. Understanding the hatred > between these groups is the first step to building good teamwork! > > > The Anal-Retentive Quadrant (The Author's Quadrant!) > > Characteristics: Good with numbers, likes to work with machines > more than humans, not fun at parties (unless everyone > else is AR also), lots of them are engineers. > Nicknames: Einstein, Good Engineer, Boring, The Computer > Favorite Phrase: I need more data. > Handles Conflict by: Playing video games. > Famous ARs: Carl Sagan, Ayn Rand > > > The Spineless Wimps Quadrant > > Characteristics: Always friendly, always agreeable, make you feel good > until you turn your back on them, soft handshake, good > at organizing parties. > Nicknames: Ol' Reliable, Mr(s). Happy, Two-Faced Rat > Favorite Phrase: I agree. > Handles Conflict by: Giving in and then not inviting you to the next party. > Famous SWs: George Bush, Dan Quayle > > > The Megalomaniacs Quadrant > > Characteristics: Cold, decisive, power-hungry, has delusions of > grandeur, lets you know where you stand (usually > within > earshot of a crowd), dictatorial. > Nicknames: Idi Amin, The Dictator, The Robot, The Rotten Bastard > Favorite Phrase: You're wrong! > Handles Conflict by: Killing those who disagree. > Famous Ms: Saddam Heussin, Alexander Haig > > > The Psychotics Quadrant > > Characteristics: Bubbly, bubbly, so-bubbly-you-want-to-strangle-them, > obnoxious, insecure, humorous, fun at parties > (especially when throwing a temper tantrum). > Nicknames: Barrel-O-Fun, The Clown, The Psycho > Favorite Phrase: I have a vision. > Handles Conflict by: Threatening to kill self and everyone else. > Famous Ps: Sam Kinnison, Sally Field > > > THE FLEXIBILITY SCALE > > In addition to the four quadrants, there is another dimension to > personality (even though I said there were only two before). This other > dimension is flexibility, also known as schizophrenia. This scale > denotes how well can a person fake another personality type (see Figure 4). > > Figure 4. The Flexibility Scale > > +--------------+--------------+-----------------+----------------+ > | | | | | > Catatonic Paranoid Split Personality Triphrenia Quadrophenia > | | | | | > Does not even Most people Manages to fake Three The ultimate > have a are here. an additional personalities! in flexibil- > personality. personality. ity. Can > > fake all four > > personality > > types. > > Although we can never change our basic location in the personality > quadrants, we can strive for and achieve greater flexibility! For > example, you may be merely paranoid now, but with a little work in this > course, you could become a split personality or even quadrophenic! The > key to flexibility is understanding the other personality types so that > you can quickly and easily pigeon-hole those around you and understand > what makes them tick. Once you know how to do this, you will find that > it is much easier to manipulate those around you! > > > > SUMMARY > > You now know everything you need to better mangle impersonal > relationships. Good luck! And remember: It's much easier to work > with people once you've stereotyped them. > > > > > Mike Nabert > Virtual Service Inc.
