Hello Everyone, My name is Rachel Bolton, and yes, I am Birgitt William's daughter :). In November, I attended parts one and four of my mom's Genuine Contact program (Open Space Technology and Advanced Open Space featuring the Open Space Organization) in Sweden. It is my hope to take the remaining parts of the Genuine Contact program within the next few years. I do this in part because I want to really understand what it is that my mom does (if only she could have picked an easier career to explain to my friends) and partly because human interaction fascinates me and it seems to me that human interaction is at the core of Open Space.
So, anyway, I joined the list because I wanted to have access to the archives. I have been reading the messages that have been sent to the list over the last week or so and wanted to share my story. The reason that the writing of this story came about is in itself a story that needs to be told, so here goes. I took the OS trainings in Sweden. The first training had about 30 people, including 4 that didn't speak Swedish, so it was agreed upon that all discussion would happen in English. The second training had only 8 or 9 people, and I was the only one who didn't speak Swedish. So, in order to make the learning easier for the people who were there, I agreed not to take part in the small "reflection" discussions. Instead, my mom asked me to think about and then write the story of how I was raised in Open Space. What follows my signature is what the end result has become. It has taken me weeks to write this final draft. It is pretty long, so I invite you to take some time and enjoy. Regards, Rachel Bolton As Open Space has evolved, many people have begun to wonder if this would be a good way to raise children. Having been raised in a world of Open Space I think that I am pretty qualified to say that the answer is an emphatic yes. Anyone who practices Open Space knows that it very quickly becomes more than just the meeting methodology that it was originally intended to be. It quickly becomes a way of life. For many people, I think that the logical question becomes, how do I implement this in my family life?" Even though the term Open Space hadnt been defined as Open Space when I was born, I think that all of my life has been in Open Space. For me, the definition of living in Open Space is living in an environment that has been created to allow me to access my creative self, and environment which has been safe enough for me to learn to be my authentic self. It is living in a space that has appropriate structure to grow and define my individuality. I dont want to give the impression that Open Space is some kind of new religion or cult, but Open Space has also allowed me to access Spirit in ways that I never understood were possible. Organized religions have never been for me. That is not to say that they are wrong or that everyone should walk away from them. They just werent right for me. When space is opened, it seems to me that it allows a space for Spirit to enter. It allows for a great and spiritual journey to begin. Open Space and Spirit are combined for me, as will be reflected in the story that follows. I think it would be very hard to commit yourself to raising your children in Open Space. There are already so many worries as a parent, but to add Open Space to the mixture would be very scary. For those who have facilitated Open Space Technology meetings, you will understand the fear. You work so hard to create an event that lasts for only a few days. In those days you have to some how hold the Space for the people. There are many occasions where you want to interfere. To give the answers that the people are looking for instead of waiting for them to empower themselves and find their own answer. Imagine trying to hold that Space for your children. To hold it for a lifetime. As a parent you have to interfere sometimes; if there is danger to your children, or to others and perhaps only if there is danger. Imagine wanting to interfere and knowing that it is your job to hold the space and let your children grow in the controlled chaos that you have created for them. For those who have the courage, I applaud you and wish you well. To be the child living in Open Space is also scary. But I dont think it is as bad. As a participant in an Open Space Technology meeting, there is fear. For many of the participants it is the first time in their lives that anyone has given them control. To have control over what you do and what you say. To have control over your own future. To be able to make choices to make things better, instead of just grumbling with your colleagues over how you wish things could be. There is fear of having to choose what it is what you will do and what you will say. There is fear of having control over your own future. There is fear of making choices, because your choices might not make things better. Your choices might not be the right ones. What will you do if your choices arent the right ones? To be the child living in Open Space isnt as scary as being a participant in an Open Space Technology meeting, in the beginning. In the innocence of childhood, you dont realize that this isnt the norm. I lived in happy bliss. I was able to make my own decisions, with the guidance of my parent of course. I was encouraged to follow my heart. I wanted to take ballet lessons, so I took ballet lessons. I wanted to switch to tap dancing, so I switched to tap dancing. I wanted to learn to play the piano, so we bought a piano and I took lessons. I hit 13 and didnt want to be a part of that any more, so I stopped. There was no pressure. It wasnt something I wanted to do anymore so it was finished. And that was OK. I was never afraid to make my own decisions. Im sure that being that young there was a lot of guidance from my parents, but, in the end, I was still the decision-maker. I learned a lot about making decisions and the consequences of those decisions when I was very young. We joke now about how my parents used to bribe us when we were kids, but I think it was a very effective learning tool. As a child I had a piggy bank. It wasnt like an ordinary piggy bank; in fact Im pretty sure it was a Mason jar. When I was good, or did things that were helpful, I got to put a poker chip in the jar. When I was bad, or did things that were destructive, mom got to take a poker chip out of the jar. When there were 100 chips in the jar, I got to go to the toy store and pick out a new toy. It was a really great learning for me. I think that those chips have had a life-long impact on me. I certainly weigh out my decisions before making them. And to this day, I reward myself with a new toy (usually clothes or CDs) when Ive been especially good. Being in the safe environment that Open Space creates also taught me to be my authentic self. I have never been afraid to give voice to what I believe in. I have never been afraid to take responsibility for what has heart and meaning for me. I think I was about 8 or 9 the first time I realized that there could be upsetting consequences for me if I were to choose to live my life that way. It never occurred to me that there was any other way and I was very shocked to learn that everyone didnt live like this. But even then, I knew that it was the way it should be. When I was very young, we lived in a tiny community of about 1000 people. Everyone knew everyone. There was some sort of common bond that united everyone, and often it was the children. There were about 20 or 25 kids my age in the community. We all went to the same pre-school and all entered kindergarten together. At that age, you still dont comprehend the cliques that develop in society, so everyone is a friend regardless of their differences. But, eventually, something happens that shatters the belief that everyone is equal and you go your separate ways. For me, it was the new girl that moved into the neighborhood. She had a lot of money, and a cool house. She was pretty and thin, and absolutely perfect. Everyone wanted to be her friend, including me. And we all were, except for a few. She may have seemed absolutely perfect, but she wasnt really. She was a born leader, which isnt such a bad thing, except that it made her very bossy as a child. It was her way or no way. I couldnt understand or accept the concept of someone else telling me what to do. I didnt want to accept it and very promptly rejected it. I dont think anyone had ever done that to her, and if they had, Im sure the exact same thing happened to them as did to me. I rejected her control, and she rejected me. In her rejection of me, everyone else rejected me. Suddenly, I was part of the few and didnt understand why. I couldnt understand that everyone would band together like that and just arbitrarily decide not to be my friend any more. The solution was simple, right? Let her have the control and I could have all of my friends back. But it wasnt that simple. I couldnt go back on my beliefs. Even at that young age I was clear that I wasnt going to give up control over my own life, even if it meant forsaking all of those friends. The events that unfolded in my teenage years were also greatly affected by Open Space. In my childhood I had the appropriate structure that was needed. It helped me to feel safe, to learn to make decisions and understand that there were consequences to my decisions. Through Open Space and the wisdom of my parents, I was encouraged to follow what had passion for me. The structure grew as I grew. Because I was small, there was very little room in the structure for chaos, but it was still there. Then, quite suddenly, I was a teenager. And for those of you who are waiting with baited breath, no, being raised in this way does not stop "teenage rebellion" from happening. We all reach a point in our lives when we have to claim our independence. For those of you who remember those years, youll remember that I did the teenage rebellion thing quite well. At that age there seemed to be two types of parents. There were those parents who were very involved with their childrens lives, and in most cases, very controlling of their childrens every move. Their children worked very hard, either to try to live up to their parents every expectation, or to make sure they lived up to none of it. There were also the parents who didnt seem to care about their children. Those children too worked very hard, in this case to get their parents to notice them. They either did everything to perfection, or did everything "bad" that they could to draw attention to themselves. My mom didnt fall into either category. She was very involved in our lives. But she worked very hard not to try to control us, and didnt set up unrealistic expectations of us. She also didnt try to control our friends, and didnt expect too much of them either. As a result, my mom was, and still is, known as the "cool" mom. She allowed us the Space and at the same time the security to experiment with new things. Some of these experiments were good, and she gave her approval. Some of these experiments werent so good, and she expressed her displeasure. But she was never disapproving, and that gave us the courage to continue to explore new things. Structure grew as we grew. She held the Space and made the decisions that she felt best. She counseled us in our grief and shared in our joy. By all means, it wasnt perfect, but it was better than most situations. While I was growing, my friends too were growing, or trying to at least. They, too, were doing their best to become adults. They, too, were trying new things, and trying to decide what it was that they wanted to do with their lives. However, it was a vastly different situation for them. Most of my friends had the kind of parents that didnt really care. Most of my friends were making the kinds of decisions that lead to bad behavior in order to get attention. And it worked. More often than not, the interaction they had with their parents was a lot of yelling. And even when they made good decisions, their parents never gave them any credit. It was the first time in my life that I was in a place of being able to observe how other people interacted with their parents. It was really very shocking to realize that everyone didnt have the same kind of relationship with their parents that I did. It was really very upsetting to realize that not everyone was encouraged to follow their hearts and to make the right decisions. I was very grateful that I had the opportunities and support that I did. Eventually, we all got through those years. Many of the people that I was friends with are still struggling to find their independence and their identity now that they are into their twenties and living on their own. I realize that we all struggle to know who we really are for our entire lives, but for the lucky few, like me, as young adults we have a good basis of where to start. It was a great shock to me to realize that not everyone has that base. In my last year of high school, my mom faced what I think was one of her greatest challenges in holding the Space for me. I had already decided that I was going to go to college and not university. I had already decided that I wanted to get into the media, but I wasnt sure where. Radio? Newspaper? Magazine? The Internet? An ad agency? Or Television? My parents had committed to paying for my college education, but there wasnt enough money for room and board. So, I thought that my choices were limited to those schools that were within driving distance of home (Hamilton, Ontario). And then, my dad decided to move to Calgary, Alberta. It never occurred to me that I could move that far away to go to school until my mom suggested it. What a courageous and unselfish thing for her to do. And it was the decision I made. She was able to hold the Space for me to decide to move to the other side of the country, leaving everything I had ever known behind, to follow my heart. I moved in July 1997, at the age of 18. I was living with my dad, but I had to learn a whole new way of being. To an extent my mom continued, and continues, to hold the Space for me. But, without really understanding it, I had to learn to hold the space for myself. To be truly independent. My journey has been incredible, like a roller coaster ride, up and down, with many many loop-de-loops, first going slowly, then suddenly quite quickly and then slowing down again. Through the encouragement and safety I received, I am following my heart. Every day I go to work in an incredible community, knowing that I am still learning and doing exactly what it is I should be doing. The principles of Open Space have taught me so much. If a situation arises that I want to be a part of, I dont walk away from it. I find a way to make it work. I dont waste my time wondering about the "could haves" or the "what if I hads". If something isnt serving me, Im not afraid to walk away from it, confident that there is something else that I should be doing. And at the same time, Open Space has brought Spirit and an incredible serenity to my life. I know that whatever happens is the only thing that could have. But I also know that I was the one who allowed those things to happen. I created those situations. I am responsible for whatever happened. I am making the choices that allow me to learn the lessons that I need to learn, and to do the work that I am meant to do. Im not sure how much of my upbringing was as a result of good parenting and how much of it was a result of living in Open Space. Im not even sure that the two are different things. I think that they compliment each other quite well. I think that they are really entwined together in a way that is inseparable. Being the facilitator in a group is much like being a parent. You have to find your way somehow. You want to help, but not control. Open Space gives you the tools to do it. The journey has been hard. Making the decisions that are true to you arent always the easy ones. In fact, it has been my experience that they are often the harder choices. But they are the rewarding choices in the end. I know that I am doing what is right for me, and that is the most important thing. This is not to say that all of my choices in life have been perfect, in fact Ive made some pretty stupid choices. But Ive also had the courage to recognize that those choices were wrong and to do something about it. For as long as I can remember, I have been encouraged to follow my heart and dream. I have spent the last few years following that path, uncertain of where it may lead. The encouragement to do only what I have passion for has lead me on a very scary journey, moving away from my family and all that I knew to live on the other side of the country. Spending time in other countries and unfamiliar places in order to learn and grow. Taking the plunge into a business that still has the attitude of being "mens work" in order to make a difference. None of this could have happened if I hadnt had the support and encouragement that my family, and in turn Open Space provides. This support is beyond the love and support that a mother can provide. It has been in seeing what wonderful things can happen when you trust in the principle of whatever happens is the only thing that could that has given me the courage to follow my heart. Being given the space to make my own decisions about what has heart and meaning for me, and being given the support of knowing that someone thinks that I and my wisdom are precious has allowed me to access creative parts of myself, and to find what it is that I love to do. Open Space allows the participants the chance to have a vision of their future, the future as it could be if we follow the path that we are on, and the future that could be if we follow the path we want to take. Being given this chance of seeing how the future could be is a great blessing and a hardship at the same time. The choices that are made to follow the right path are not always easy, and telling yourself that there is joy at the end of the journey does not always help. Even though I dont live with my mother anymore, and havent for some time now, Open Space still affects my life on a daily basis. It is not just a technique for meetings, it is a way of life, and I am living it. I know that it isnt the easiest way to live. Facing your truth and living it is hard. Ive lost friends because of it, Ive moved half way across the country to follow my dream, leaving everything I knew behind because of it. It has probably been the source of a lot of my pain. But no matter how bad things seem sometimes, Ive learned to trust that it is all happening because it is what needs to happen. Ive learned that with the pain there is also much joy. Ive learned that being your authentic self is the only way to live, even if it can be the hard way. It is the best way. Not only can you look yourself in the mirror every morning, you can enjoy what you see. Thank you Mom.
