Re: [ozmidwifery] controlled parenting

[Pinky McKay]

Hi Darren, Good on you! sounds like you have been a wonderfuly supportive friend. Sadly Controlled crying IS the norm - see the latest issue of Practical Patrenting for "instructions" on how to get your baby to sleep -from 6 WEEKS!!!! The nurse interviewed calls it controlled COMFORTING!!! When the bonds are being broken by turning a baby to face AWAY from parent so there is no eye contact that is not comforting.   Apart from teaching babies learned helplessness, it is setting a precedent for a style of parenting that ignores the childs attempts to communicate and later results in the necessity for "behaviour management" rather than a parenting style/ discipline(which means "to teach" -not punish -to me this includes practises such as time out and "logical" consequences which are really punishment under another name ) based on mutual respect.   I was recently surprised to discover that a friend's little daughter has hearing loss (This friend is a midwife) - this 5 year old communicates extremely well - then I remembered that my own youngest child has auditory processing problems which, according to the booklet from RCH (Melb), SHOULD make it difficult for him to communicate - and cause difficulty when he plays with other children because he will misinterpret conversations etc. While he has experienced learning difficulties within a classroom situation (he cant block out background noise to discern the teachers voice -his difficulty was diagnosed VERY late after delayed learing at school) Both of these children have lots of friends, play extremely well and communicate with adults with no APPARENT difficulties - I think the key is that they are amazingly good at interpreting body language and possibly lipreading and are "tuned in" to other peoples cues because they were both nurtured closely - slings/ co-sleeping/. responsive attention to THEIR cues and both were breastfed for five years plus.   I fear the theory that breastfeeding is only "good" for three months is also promoted by some health professionals -I had a disagreement with a woman doctor about this as she berated me for not having my three year old vaccinated -this was his first visit with an illness -he had a cough and I simply wanted her to listen to his chest for me. Several years later when my older daughter became ill with tonsillitis, she checked the records (as they do) for her previous illnesses - and conceded - "you do have healthy children" - this child had one previous record of antibiotics -and she was in senior high school! She too was breastfed for beyond five years. I dont think this is simply coincidence, although I know this isnt everyone's "drink of milk"   It is sad that this ignorance abounds and that people actually believe that mothers only breastfeed for the "goodness" of the milk (even though that is majorly important). I feel that so much intuitive stuff about birth, breastfeeding, mothering is denied - just as mothers really dont need to know the mechanics of birth to be their baby's passage to life, nor should they have to justify the physiological advantages of breastfeeding - breastfeeding is a physical expression of love between mother and baby and is what nature intended for babies - surely that is the best recommendation for continuing to breastfeed as long as mother and baby want to share this special bond.   Your friend is lucky to have your support -I am sure she will absorb information as she is ready -I am amazed at the different levels people seem to take in the information in my books -but that is good because they are obviously not threatened or challenged by the way I present information and because of this, may absorb messages that otherwise would not be presented (such as breastfeeding is good for bonding - and the comfort factor - at least this dad was giving support and defending his partner and baby!! We can all be thrown off guard by criticism.)  .   It is good to be another voice and yes, lets  keep chipping away with support and acceptance of all parents - as the bonds become stronger between baby and parents, and parents confidence grows they will feel in their hearts that the 'norm' (in some circles described as 'normative abuse' ) isnt always right.   Thanks for your feedback, Darren. Happy new year Pinky www.pinky-mychild.com         ----- Original Message ----- From: Darren Sunn To: ozmidwifery Sent: Thursday, January 02, 2003 8:23 AM Subject: [ozmidwifery] controlled parenting Pinky, Well I thought it would be good to give you an up date on my friend who “was” practising “controlled crying”, and am pleased to announce that she has almost completely ceased this ….. We gave her a copy of your books and she said that she read them but I’m not completely convinced that she actually “read” them.   On another front, she was told by her parents, husband, in-laws, relatives, and some friends that ‘controlled crying’ was the NORM! So you can understand that she believed that this was the correct decision.   It’s a pity that such a majority of our society seems to favour these ideas of parenting.   In regards to breastfeeding:   Recently her mother in-law remarked “ You do know that there is No goodness in breast milk after 3 months!”…To which her husband stepped in and said, “She only continues due to the comfort-factor!”   When our friend was telling my wife and I this story our jaws dropped to the floor and I guess she detected our concern and attempted to soften the situation by adding “ Well I was formula fed and there’s nothing wrong with me!” I bit my tongue while my partner couldn’t help herself and began to calmly explain the benefits of breastfeeding.   I’m glad to say that at least the swing is going towards the acceptance of breastfeeding and not away from it… It may take some time but if we all make an effort to support mothers and families then we will all benefit in the end.   Darren