Title: BOROWITZ report.com
OSAMA FOUND IN SANDY BERGER'S PANTS [by Andy
Borowitz]
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War on Terror Over
The war on terror came to an unexpectedly abrupt end today as
the al-Qaeda network kingpin Osama bin Laden was found hiding in the pants of
former national security adviser Sandy Berger.
While lawmakers on both
sides of the aisle celebrated the discovery of Mr. bin Laden in the former White
House aide's trousers, this latest episode left Mr. Berger, once again, with
much explaining to do.
The former adviser to President Clinton said that
his lawyers would not permit him to divulge how, when, or why the world's most
wanted man had found safe haven in his pants, but he did tell reporters, "It was
an honest mistake."
At the White House, President George W. Bush ordered
an immediate and thorough search of Mr. Berger's pants "to see what else might
be in there," hinting that the discovery of Saddam Hussein's long-sought weapons
of mass destruction might be at hand.
With the war on terror suddenly
over, the White House was said to be casting about for another human emotion to
declare war upon, with many speculating that the U.S. would soon announce a war
on irritability or shyness.
Meanwhile, the embattled Mr. Berger received
support last night from an unexpected quarter as actress Winona Ryder vigorously
defended him on CNN's "Larry King Live."
Speaking of Mr. Berger's recent
woes, Ms. Ryder said, "I don't know Sandy Berger, but if he was stuffing things
into his pants, my guess is he was just doing research for a movie role."
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