A Washington Pist Exclusive
Coke and Pepsi Square Off on Bail Out
Special to The Pist by Dan Ratherthan
Executives from the Coca-Cola and Pepsi-Cola bottling companies were
meeting today behind closed doors with Vice President Richard Cheney
to establish a new monetary system based on bottle caps. The two soft-
drink behemoths are each vying to be the primary lender of last resort.
"We've learned from our experience selling tap-water to people who
are concerned with their health that real health is in the packaging,"
said Crawford Croney of Coca-Cola. "If there's one thing we can give
the American people and Wall Street, it's packaging. We're really,
really good at that."
"They should keep to their own slogans," complained Wiley Warren, in
apparent reference to the Coke official's use of "really". "Everyone
knows Pepsi's the real thing. It's part of our package, and it is the
package that can best bail out the banking industry, an industry in
trouble because it just doesn't understand packaging. If they had been
trading tap water -- like we do -- there would be more transparency,
as well as liquidity, let alone the ultimate in currency."
Wall Street observers were noting that several brokerage firms were
scrambling to position themselves for the impending change from paper
dollars to tin caps.
"I'm looking forward to the day when the bottleneck on The Street has
not just one, but many caps," said one analyst who preferred to remain
synonymous.
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