why not just use the nuns? or the alter boys and gals?
-----Original Message----- From: Jim Devine <[email protected]> To: Pen-l <[email protected]> Sent: Mon, Oct 19, 2009 2:14 pm Subject: [Pen-l] priest shortage Business riest Shortage Forces Vatican To Hire Temps To Deliver Sacred Rites October 19, 2009 | Issue 45•43 MILWAUKEE—In an emergency effort to boost the dwindling number of oman Catholic priests in the United States, the Vatican contracted ith a nationwide staffing firm last week to hire thousands of emporary employees to provide liturgical services and administer holy acraments in its American churches. [image caption: Following a background check, all newly ordained temps ust take a vow of punctuality.] "The reduced number of active diocesan clergy has forced us to take nprecedented measures to stop parishes from closing," Pope Benedict VI explained in a decree issued Saturday by the Vatican. "That is hy, for the first time in two millennia, we're allowing pretty much nyone who is willing to show up at 9 a.m. and work for slightly more han minimum wage to act as a Vessel of Christ." According to a statement issued by Manpower Inc., most of the art-time priest applicants are 18- to 26-year-old males with no revious clerical experience. After watching a 35-minute video on the ite of Ordination and receiving Holy Orders during a brief phone onference, new hires are issued two sets of ecclesiastical vestments nd assigned to fill a pastoral vacancy. Randy Nelson, a recently hired temp priest at St. Joseph's Cathedral n Miami, said he was initially nervous about celebrating mass in ront of a large congregation, but soon got the hang of it. "I was a little intimidated on my first day because I had no idea what was supposed to do during communion," said Nelson, referring to the ransubstantiation of the Holy Eucharist, a miracle he is expected to erform at each mass in order to transform earthly bread and wine into he Most Precious Body and Blood of Christ. "But basically I just have o pour some watered-down cabernet into the gold cup, wave my arms round, say some stuff about God, and give each person in line one of hose wafer things." [Image caption: Frequent cigarette breaks offer temps the chance to ity the poor souls who have to work there full-time.] "It's really not all that different from a fast food gig," Nelson dded. "Except maybe the uniforms here are a bit more humiliating." Many temp priests told reporters they were only planning to work for he Church until they could land a more serious job, and that having he name of an archdiocese on their resumé was probably better than othing. "This is okay for now. They need somebody to do their grunt work and I eed the money," said recent college graduate Justin Willingham, xplaining that the vow of celibacy is "kind of a drag" but that he arely has sex between 9 a.m. and 5 p.m. anyway. "Plus, I make a ton n tips. The people here are super generous." According to parishioners at the Church of the Immaculate Conception n Fayetteville, AR, their recently acquired temp is unfamiliar with any of his priestly duties and frequently takes the Lord's name in ain when he loses his place during Gospel readings. "These things never happened when Father Tom [Whelan] was here," said loria Huston, 67. "In the 45 years that I've been a member of this arish I never once saw a priest sitting on the altar eating cDonald's." Ben Rosenthal, 23, who is a newcomer to Catholicism, said the most nteresting part of his job is administering the Sacrament of Penance, ecause while sitting in the confessional he hears "all kinds of shit ou wouldn't believe." "My friends were totally cracking up when I told them how Doug erchant confessed to having impure thoughts about his next-door eighbor's daughter and was almost caught masturbating in the bushes utside her window," Rosenthal said. "I feel like I should probably all the cops on some of these people, but during orientation they old us we would get fired if we broke the Seal of Confession. So I ust make them say a lot of Hail Marys." While a majority of temps said they were happy just to have a job, ome, like Greg Purcell, believe the priesthood is simply too emanding. "There's no fucking way I'm working Sundays," Purcell said. "Not for hat they pay." Despite receiving numerous applications from qualified women with xtensive knowledge of Church doctrine and advanced degrees in heology, the Vatican continues to oppose female ordination. [from the ONION] - im Devine / "Segui il tuo corso, e lascia dir le genti." (Go your own ay and let people talk.) -- Karl, paraphrasing Dante. ______________________________________________ en-l mailing list [email protected] ttps://lists.csuchico.edu/mailman/listinfo/pen-l
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