Eco-Friendly Cigarettes Kill Destructive Human Beings Over Time
June 1, 2010 | ISSUE 46•22
04.22.98 RICHMOND, VA—Executives at Philip Morris USA this week
unveiled Marlboro Earth, a new eco-friendly cigarette that gradually
eliminates the causes of global warming and environmental destruction
at their source.
"By killing off the No. 1 threat to the environment, new Marlboro
Earths will have a long-term effect on the overall health of our
planet," Philip Morris spokesperson Janet Weiss said. "If everyone in
America does their part and joins our new green-smoking movement, then
together we can eradicate man's destructive practices once and for
all."
According to a press release from Philip Morris, the new
environmentally friendly cigarettes work by employing powerful
carcinogens that accumulate in the lungs of smokers, slowly breaking
down their vital organs and eliminating the danger posed to the
overpopulated planet by the human race.
Because Marlboro Earths take decades to work, the company stresses
that people should start using them as early as possible, ideally
during childhood or adolescence, in order to maximize the product's
effectiveness.
"We've got to get everybody on board, the sooner the better," said
Weiss, stressing that nothing less than the fate of the planet was at
stake. "It doesn't take much. As few as two packs of Marlboro Earths a
day can make all the difference in the world."
"Go ahead," Weiss continued. "Light up, breathe in, and help save Mother Earth."
Although industry research indicates people do offer some secondary
benefits to the planet, such as recycling programs and wind power
generators, studies have concluded these efforts fail to offset the
disastrous potential of humanity.
According to Philip Morris, Marlboro Earths are the first green
product to address that threat head-on.
"Wildlife habitat encroachment, climate change, the exploitation of
precious natural resources—they can all become a thing of the past,"
said James Freedman, a member of the marketing team tasked with
branding the new product. "Smoke these cool, clean Marlboro Earths
every chance you get, and you'll reduce your carbon footprint to zero
in no time."
Added Freedman, "Plus, you'll look really sophisticated and glamorous
while doing it."
The new cigarettes, released in limited test-market cities over the
past two months, will be ready for a national rollout in mid-June. An
ad campaign with the slogan "Marlboro Earth: Saving the Environment
One Customer at a Time" has already been launched, and the product's
iconic new packaging, which is similar to the traditional Marlboro
design but also features a tree, is reportedly testing "through the
roof" with consumers.
In initial product trials, the eco-cigarettes have proven popular among smokers.
"I leave work three to five times a day to stand outside and help the
environment," said longtime smoker Sam Davies, an office worker in
Raleigh, NC. "And the best thing about them is they make saving the
planet incredibly addictive. After only a few hours, I get the
uncontrollable urge to go out and help the environment some more."
Philip Morris executives stressed that the new cigarettes, which
contain the same great taste smokers have come to expect from
Marlboro, but with nearly three times the tar and carbon monoxide,
could make a huge difference in as little as 40 to 50 years, cutting
down on urban sprawl, overpopulation, and eventually helping to enrich
the soil with powerful fertilizers.
[from THE ONION]
--
Jim Devine
"Those who take the most from the table
Teach contentment.
Those for whom the taxes are destined
Demand sacrifice.
Those who eat their fill speak to the hungry
of wonderful times to come.
Those who lead the country into the abyss
Call too ruling difficult
For ordinary folk." – Bertolt Brecht.
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