Pregnant Woman Relieved To Learn Her Rape Was Illegitimate
August 20, 2012 | ISSUE 48•34 | the ONION
LITCHFIELD, CT—Though she was initially upset following the brutal
sexual assault last month that left her pregnant, victim Martha Byars
told reporters she was relieved Sunday to learn from Rep. Todd Akin
(R-MO) that her ability to conceive her unwanted child proves she was
not, in fact, legitimately raped.
“Being violently coerced into having sex was the worst thing that’s
ever happened to me, so I take comfort in knowing it wasn’t actually
rape,” Byars said of the vicious encounter in which she was accosted
in an alleyway by a stranger, pinned to the ground, and penetrated
against her will for 25 minutes. “It was absolutely horrific—I felt
violated in the worst way imaginable—but thanks to Congressman Akin, I
now realize it must, at some level, have been consensual after all.”
“Thank God for that,” Byars added. “I’m so relieved to know that my
child’s father, the man who muffled my screams as he forcefully
penetrated me over and over and left me hemorrhaging to death on the
street, is not a rapist.”
(related news: Republicans Condemn Akin's Comments As Blemish On
Party's Otherwise Spotless Women's Rights Record )
Explaining that the Republican senatorial candidate’s statements had
“really opened her eyes” by helping her understand the workings of her
own reproductive system, Byars said she only wishes she could have
known at the time of her near-fatal assault that the female body has
ways to shut down conception during cases of tried-and-true rape.
“Now that I know the truth, I realize none of the telltale signs of
legitimate rape were there at all,” mused Byers, noting that her body
did not in any way shut down but in fact continued to register
excruciating pain throughout the entire cruel ordeal. “I must have at
least subconsciously wanted it—otherwise, the sperm wouldn’t have been
able to enter my body.”
“Not only is this knowledge a blessing for me,” she continued, “but it
will no doubt bring great hope to the tens of thousands of women who
are forcibly and savagely impregnated in the United States every
year.”
--
Jim Devine / If you're going to support the lesser of two evils, you
should at least know the nature of that evil.
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