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<---------------------PHWeekly Joke Ezine!--------------------->
<-------The Little Sister Of Purehumour Joke Ezine------>

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Welcome to issue # 66 of Purehumour Weekly ... and Happy
Easter to everyone! As a special bonus today...I have two things
to offer you...first a really fun and crazy file that you can find at:
<a href=" http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/fun/wild.html ">Click</a>
Download this file...turn up your speakers and have a great laugh
on me!

Next check out the Ultimate Search Engine...this one can almost
guarantee that it will offer you exactly what you are searching for
with your first attempt...no more dead links...this one has been
years in the making...check it out at:
<a href=" http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/search/ ">Click</a>

Today's issue includes contributions by: SunAmy, Di Ann, Stan, Aimee,
Barb, Keli, Marina, Rubin.

If you want to see your name here...send your jokes to:
<a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">Jokes</a>

Lets start with a quickie:

How do gays decide who gives and who takes?

They decide on the sperm of the moment

--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------

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While on a car trip, Lissa and Kurt stopped at a roadside
restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, Lissa
left her glasses on the table, but she didn't miss
them until they were back on the highway. By then, they had
to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to
turn around.   Kurt fussed and complained all the
way back to the restaurant.  He called Lissa every bad
name he could think of.

When they finally arrived at the restaurant, as Lissa got
out of the car to retrieve her glasses, Kurt yelled to her,
"While you're in there, you might as well get my hat, too."



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------------------------GUS COOKS!------------------------------

Gus really gets cooking...a new strip each day!
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You realize you live in 2002 when :

1. You just tried to enter your password on the microwave.

2. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family
of three.

3. You call your son's beeper to let him know it's time to eat. He emails
you back from his bedroom, "What's for dinner?"

4. Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site.

5. You chat several times a day with stranger from South Africa, but you
haven't spoken with your next door neighbor yet this year.

6. You check the ingredients on a can of chicken noodle soup to see if it
contains Echinacea.

7. Your grandmother asks you to send her a jpeg file of your newborn so she
can create a screen saver.

8. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone
is home.

9. Every commercial on television has a website address at the bottom of the

10. You buy a computer and 6 months later it is out of date and now sells
for half the price you paid.

11. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the
first 20 or 30 years of your life, is cause for panic and turning around to
go get it.

12. Using real money, instead of credit or debit card to make a purchase
would be a hassle and take planning.

13. Cleaning up the dining room means getting the fast food bags out of the
back seat of your car.

14. Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do not
have e-mail addresses.

15. You consider second-day air delivery painfully slow.

16. Your dining room table is now your flat filing cabinet.

17. Your idea of being organized is multiple-colored Post-it notes.

18. You hear most of your jokes via e-mail instead of in person.

19. You get an extra phone line so you can get phone calls.

20. You disconnect from the Internet and get this awful feeling, as if you
just pulled the plug on a loved one.

21. You get up in morning and go online before getting your coffee.

22. You wake up at 2 am to go to the bathroom and check your E-mail on your
way back to bed.

23. You're reading this.

24. Even worse; you're going to forward it to someone else......

----------------------PUREHUMOUR POLL--------------------

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-----------------------QUICK QUOTE----------------------------

"Be glad of life because it gives you the chance to love and to work
and to play and to look up at the stars."
-Henry Van Dyke

--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------

Limiting pc time...
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I'm stuck...
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Limericks from the Archives:

There was an old whore named McGee,
Who as just the right sort for a spree.
She said, "For a fuck,
I'll charge a sawbuck;
And I throw in the asshole for free."

There once was a man from Bandoo,
Who fell asleep in a canoe.
He dreamed of Venus,
And played with his penis;
And woke up with a hand full of goo.

A weary old lecher named Blott,
Took a luscious young blonde on his yacht.
Too lazy to rape her,
He made darts out of paper;
Which he leisurely tossed at her twat.

-------------------------A DOG'S WORLD------------------------

A Dog's World is a continuing story that will appear in each
issue...miss a segment?...then check out the archives at:

In the darkness, 6 dogs sat completely still. No one dared
move. Their plan had not worked as it was supposed to. Half
of their pack was still on the outside. They remained silent
and all had the same question in their heads. Which of the
two groups of six would survive?

The six dogs still in the basement sat in the darkness
without making a sound. They didn't want to make a noise and
get caught but also because none of them knew what to say.
All of them were hiding under some shelving or behind some

 From where Sam was hiding he could see a tiny ray of
sunlight coming through a crack in the bulkhead door. He
imagined himself with the ability to shrink down to the size
where he could slip through the crack. To be able to escape
this chosen cell and walk free around the farm and still
come back to safety, the best of both worlds.

Copyright 2001-02 D. Scott
Check out more at: http://www.humorcorner.com
--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------

Dog Bones -

Can you help Rover find his 5 bones?
<a href=" http://fun-lists.com/play/?386.g.12 ">Play it</a>


Two good Catholic boys passed an Episcopalian minister. At
the sight of the reversed collar, one of them automatically
said, "Hello, Father."

The other boy elbowed him in the ribs. "He's no father, you
dummy," said the second youth, "He's married and got three


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------------------------STRANGE BREED!-------------------------

If you like funny, wacky, and clean cartoons, then check out
"Strange Breed". It's sure to make you and your whole family

<a href="http://www2.hi.net/s4/strangebreed.htm";>Click</a>


Kurt goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, you've got to help me.
My wife is unfaithful to me. Every Friday night, she goes to
Tony's bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody
who asks her! I'm going crazy. What do you think I should do?"

"Relax, Kurt" says the doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down.
Now, tell me, where exactly is Tony's bar?"

--------------FROM THE BATHROOM WALL -------------

Just announced...the building of The Clinton Library in Little
Rock, Arkansas.  Will become the home of the largest porn
film collection in history!


<Shamelessly stolen (and modified) from North-Coast Express)

Greg and Sam were having a beer at the neighborhood bar. "What's the
matter?" asked Sam of his buddy, "You look kind of down."

"My wife just told me that my lovemaking is just like a news bulletin."
Greg said.

Sam asked, "Why's that?"

Greg blurted, "Because it's brief, unexpected and usually a disaster."

--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------

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Help in an online world....
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One day a shepherd leading his flock decided to take a shortcut across
the rink. The sheep, however, were afraid of the ice and wouldn't cross
it. Desperate, the shepherd began tugging them to the other side.

"Look at that," remarked Stash to Yash. "That guy is trying to pull the
wool over our ice!"

--------------------IT'S NOT PUNNY!------------------------------

This decade is the time of physical fitness and personal trainers.
Centers for aerobics, weight lifting and similar activities seem to be
opening on every corner, and sometimes even next door to each other. And
where in the past you could have expected stiff competition and hard
feelings, today, there is much more friendliness and cooperation with
everyone happy working together. In fact, this trend should make you
think of what actor?

Gym Neighbors


Find The Words -

See if you can find all the words in a 16x16 matrix of
<a href=" http://fun-lists.com/play/?386.g.13 ">Play it</a>


Three guys are in a bar discussing how much their wives bitch at them. They
decide that when they get home, they'll do everything that the women ask.

The next weekend, they are in the same bar.

The first guy says, "Man, I don't think that our idea was so great!  I was
sitting on the couch watching tv, and I dropped my cigarette on the couch.
My wife said, 'Why don't you burn the whole house down?'  That place is
still smouldering."

The second guy said, "That ain't nothing.  I was working on the car, and
dropped my wrench and it nicked the fender.  She said, 'Why don't you tear
the whole car apart?'  It took me all night."

The third guy said, "You guys don't have nothing on me.  When I walked in
the door, my wife was doing the dishes, and I felt a little romantic. I
reached down, and grabbed her crotch, she said, 'Cut that out!' You guys
ever seen one of these real close?"


Get your condoms here!
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An aging man was walking with his friend. He said, "I'm a walking

"How so?" the friend replied.

He lamented, "My hair line is in recession, my stomach is a
victim of inflation, and both of these together are putting me
into a deep depression!"

--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------

Which one's the Hacker....
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.14.27 ">Click Here </a>

<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.14.29 ">Click Here </a>

-------------------------WEIRD NEWS---------------------------

WOODLAND HILLS, Calif. (Wireless Flash) -- John Wayne
Bobbitt just got hitched but that isn't stopping one of
his ex-wives from making some cutting remarks about him.

Last year, 43-year-old Dottie Brewer met, married and
divorced Bobbitt within a 90-day period.

The union ended when Bobbitt dumped Brewer for an old

Although Brewer liked Bobbitt's boyish charm, she compares
his manhood to a "pig in a blanket" and claims the surgically-
reattached organ is as smushy as a "gel pack."

Brewer says she might have been able to overlook the dismembered
member but Bobbitt also had a bad habit of humping her in his
sleep -- so she understands why first wife, Lorena, was angry
enough to amputate his manhood in 1993.

Although Brewer has no love for Bobbitt, she says some good
things did come out of her bad marriage: A title for her
autobiography, "This Week I Married John Wayne Bobbitt"

Weird News is a daily feature of Purehumour...it contains
a previously published News Report.  If you find an article
that you wish to see here..please send the article, name of
the publication and date to:
<a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">News</a>
IF you like Weird News...subscribe to my weekly ezine of
Weird News Weekly:
<a href=" http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com ">Lists</a>

An Italian family is at the dinner table when the father
says to his oldest son, "Tony! Why you a such a fat a

Tony says, "Poppa, it's a Mama's spaghetti! I can't a stop
a eating it."

Poppa says, "You should a take a smaller bites!"

Then Poppa says to his middle son, "Michael! Why you a
such a fat a boy?"

Michael says, "Poppa, it's a Mama's lasagna. I can't a
stop a eating it, it's a so good."

Poppa says, "You should a also take a smaller bites."

Then Poppa says to his youngest son, "Fredo! How you a
stay so slim a and a trim a?"

Fredo says, "It's a so easy, Poppa. I eat a lots and lots
of a pussy."

Poppa says, "Pussy? Pussy, that's a taste like shit!"

Fredo says, "Poppa, You should a take a smaller bites!"

-------------------------QUICK WIT-------------------------------

[||||]     B E E R T O W N    B U S T     [||||]

A Milwaukee pedophile was nabbed after he sought advice from Dear Abby
who immediately turned his letter over to the proper authorities.    (US

If he'd signed his name as a priest, he'd have just been reassigned to a
fresh parish.

Copyright  2002 by Bob Mills, all rights reserved.

Little Johnny is standing on a corner yanking off.

A cop comes along and  says, "What are you doing, little boy?"

Little Johnny replied, "Fuckin' nothing,"


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--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------

It's a Worm...
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My mouse has eloped...
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What's the difference between a nail, a screw and a bolt ?"
the shop teacher asked Anni, the only girl in the shop class during
the first day of school.

Anni pondered the question for a moment, then replied,  "Well, I
can't rightly say as I know, 'cause I ain't never been 'bolted'."


Why are beer cans so easy to open?

Look who's drinking them.


Mistress of My Domain
by Valerie Sprague

It started with .com, .net, .org, and .gov. And it was good.

Then every country in the world was assigned a domain suffix, and .nu and 
.to (from the island nation of Niue and the country of Tonga, for example) 
became options, with the help of some web-savvy marketers.

Now, apparently...this isn't quite good enough. .sucks and .itsnotfair 
might be on the way, thanks to the lobbying efforts of Ralph Nader, who 
thinks there aren't enough domain name options available for the public to 
voice its opinion on corporate greed or evil in general. This suggests some 
interesting possible configurations that even greedy corporations could 
grow to love, like www.electrolux.sucks (catchy address for a vacuum
company, no?)

But here's the catch: Nader's group, The Consumer Project for Technology, 
wants to make it illegal for companies to own their own sucky domain names, 
as they frequently do now by purchasing rights to hold mycompanysucks.com 
and the many permutations thereof....which, you know, is only fair, because 
there's really no place on the Internet now to express one's dislike for a 
given entity. </sarcasm>

While ICANN, The Internet Corporation for Assigned Names and Numbers (which 
does actually exist and probably is as much fun for work for as The 
International Society of Pi Enthusiasts or Census 2000) pondered the 
current setup for top-level domains, like .com, they found that of more 
than 25,000 words in the dictionary, less than 2000 words aren't registered 
with a .com behind them yet. They apparently haven't audited all the 
sentences and catchphrases yet, but it's only a matter of time before the 
'net frontiersmen stake out Whazzzzzzup.com and SpeakToTheHandGirlfriend.com

ICANN apparently spent a lot of time exploring this issue at their recent 
Cairo meeting, as their website tells us:

"... the Board and staff have been pleased to take the advice of His 
Excellency the Minister of Communications and Information Technology to 
drink the waters of the Nile, and accordingly look forward to our 
inevitable return to Cairo."

There are plenty of hard words which haven't been claimed, which might bum 
William F. Buckley Jr. out. Domains like triturate.com and thrasonical.org 
are up for grabs. But since it is unlikely there will be any hard core porn 
on them, they'll probably stay off the web.

Norway manages .no This would work well for political operatives, because 
www.proposition316.no is sort of catchy. Yugoslavia is .yu. How about 
www.iknow.yu? That would be great for organizing high school reunions. 
Dyslexics, rejoice...there's the Isle of Man's .im. (www.tired.im,) and 
Monty Pythonites should love Nicaragua's .ni (www.knightswhosay.ni.) One 
guy wants to administrate the Pitcairn Islands' .pn. I wonder what they'd 
use that one for.

But not too much.

Businesses should really jump on .tm, and just trademark themselves, if 
they haven't already. Why didn't I think of that before shelling out bucks 
for my domain?

Which is another issue. What do they do with the money we spend for 
registering domain names? When I register my car, they use the funds for 
something like improving the roads, so is this going to finance better 
server connections? Midday carpal-tunnel-avoidance wrist rubs and 
complimentary sushi for the staff at InterNIC?

I often wonder why there is no InterNIC website name exchange policy. I 
found this out the hard way. After registering a domain I was going to 
dedicate to women's political issues, I came to my senses a week later and 
accepted that certain things would get in the way of my running another web 
site. Like eating and sleeping. Do you think I could get the InterNIC 
licensed Network Solutions to send a refund? Or let me pick something else? 
Forget it. It's like a trendy sweater I'd never worn but that useless (but 
paid for) web domain is destined to hang in my closet for two years.

Of course, they could end up busting me for "cybersquatting," or holding a 
domain name some company might want to use, but I think if anything should 
be more carefully policed it should be something that really poses a threat 
to online society as a whole, like overuse of the "under construction" 
designator or links to the Hamsterdance.


Valerie Sprague was raised by wolves -- the Minnesota Timberwolves,
which explains why she's so tall and drinks so much Gatorade. She
was not actually at the Oscars this year, but actually attended the
Grammy Awards once, and she looked pretty hot.
You can find her stuff at http://valerie.nu

Your article length submissions are welcome...send your
humourous submissions of between 300 and 500 words to:
<a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">Editorials</a>
Editorial comments expressed here are copyright the writer and
may not be reproduced in whole or in part without the expressed
written consent of the writer and also the editor of Purehumour.
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that could offend you...pure and simple!  If you don't wish to see such
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--------------------IMPORTANT INFORMATION!--------------------
When forwarding this ezine please leave this trailer message
in place.

None of this material is considered copyright...it is
considered in the public domain. If any material is
copyrighted please notify me at <a href=" 
mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">Copyright</a>
and proper credit will  be given. It has been collected from various
sources and submitters names have been included when given.

Paul Croft - Owner/Editor-In-Chief/Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour!
Contact me: <a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">Paul's Address</a>

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PHWeekly Joke Ezine as a whole is copyright  Paul Croft-2002
All Worldwide rights reserved! PHWeekly is published in small town
Canada...all views expressed are not necessarily those of the
publisher and should not be taken as such...they are meant in the
spirit of humour and nothing else!  If offended by a selection in this
issue...please hit delete!

Some material in PHWeekly is written exclusively for PHWeekly...
this material is marked as such!  Copyright is retained by the original
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