<--------- http://www.paulsfunhouse.com --------->
                                     and
<----------The Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour ---------->
                                   presents

<---------------------PHWeekly Joke Ezine!--------------------->
<-------The Little Sister Of Purehumour Joke Ezine------>

PHWeekly (aka Purehumour Weekly) is now residing at the
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PHWeekly features the BEST Adult humour on the net...in
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Hi Everyone!  Last week I took a break and for the next
couple of issues (including this one) they will be reruns...
there are a few too many things happening right now...every
weekend from April 6th to May 4th is booked solid for me...
so I have had to use my time more efficiently...so here is
an ad-free rerun of PHWeekly originally published
January 29th 2001

Today's issue includes contributions by: Di Ann, Barb, Pat, Paul,
Rubin, Stan, Nevanish.

If you want to see your name here...send your jokes to:
<a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">Jokes</a>

<**-------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------**>
Lets start with a quickie:

Why don't mummies take vacations?

They're afraid they'll relax and unwind.

<**--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------**>

Two Irish explorers, lost in the jungle, came to a large clearing.

Sitting in the middle of the clearing was the biggest lion they had ever
seen.

Mick picked up a rock and threw it at the lion, hitting it square on the
nose.

The lion roared and came bounding towards the two men.

"Quick!" shouted Mick. "Run!"

"You run," said Pat. "You threw the bloody rock."

<**--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------**>

It seems a sailor had a parrot that was forever saying,"How's your arse?"

Every time he talked, he would say "How's your arse?" The sailor tells the
parrot that he was tired of hearing "how's your arse," and for him to never
again say, "how's your arse" again.

About that time a submarine torpedoes the ship and the sailor and the parrot
are clinging to a piece of driftwood. The parrot looks at the sailor and
says, "How's your arse?"

Disgusted by the day's events, the sailor yells at the bird, "Aw, shut up."
The parrot replies, "Mine, too! Must be all the salt water!"

<**----------------------PUREHUMOUR POLL--------------------**>

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<**-----------------------QUICK QUOTE----------------------------**>

Like a camel i can go without a drink for seven days-
and have on several horrible occasions.
-Herb Caen

<**--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------**>


The first toon...
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.1042 ">Click Here </a>
http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.1042


<**--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------**>

    Frank was walking down the street one day, when he runs into his
    buddy Joe.

    Joe asks Frank how he's doing and Frank replies: "N-N-Not b-b-bad,
    b-b-but I've d-d-developed th-th-this s-s-stutter from a c-c-car
    accident I was r-r-recently involved in. N-N-Now my l-l-love life
    s-s-sucks, and I c-c-can't f-f-find a j-j-job."

    Joe tells him of this speech therapist he knows and recommends he
    go see the guy. Frank agrees and thanks him. A couple of weeks
    later, they run into each other again, and Joe asks Frank how he
    made out.

    "Thank you for the referral. He cured me just by making me talk
    slower. Now I have a good job and I'm engaged to the boss'
    daughter."

    "That's excellent! Congratulations!" replied Joe.

    And off they went their separate ways.
    Another two weeks or so pass, and once
    again Frank and Joe meet on the street.

    "Hey, Frank, how's it going?" asks Joe.

    "T-T-T-T-Terrible," says Frank. "I'm
    n-n-no l-l-longer eng-g-g-aged and
    I l-l-l-ost my job!"

    "Why? What could have happened in two
    weeks Frank?"

    "W-w-w-well, the other night I was
    having dinner at the b-b-boss' house
    and the cat was scratching behind his
    ear. I said "L-l-l-l-ook, Honey!
    T-t-t-t-hat's w-w-w-w-hat you d-d-d-d-o
    to me," but by the time I f-f-f-finished
    w-w-w-hat I was saying the cat was
    l-l-l-icking his b-b-balls..."

<**--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------**>

A corporate executive received a monthly bill from the law firm that was
handling a big case for his company. It included hourly billing for
conferences, research, phone calls, fax, photocopying, and everything but
lunch hours.

Unhappy as he was, the executive knew that the company would have to pay for
each of these services. Then he noticed one item buried in the middle of the
list:

FOR CROSSING THE STREET TO TALK TO YOU, THEN DISCOVERING IT
WASN'T YOU AT ALL -- $125.

<**--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------**>

Two Rednecks rob a bank and all they get away with are two sacks, so they
keep one each. After awhile they meet again and one asks the other, "What
did you find in your sack?"

"Half a million"

"Aw... that's a lot! What did you do with the cash?"

"I bought a house. How about your sack?"

"Bah... it was full o' bills"

"And what did you do with them?"

"Eh well . . . little by little, I'm paying them off . . ."

<**--------------FROM THE BATHROOM WALL -------------**>

Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk
and talk. Then you spend the next 16 telling them to sit down and shut-up.

<**--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------**>

They're everywhere. This one, according to today's New Haven Register, was
observed in the Wallingford, CT post office:

A man walks into the Wallingford post office, says that he has just returned
from vacation, and wants his mail.

The clerk asks for ID.

The man doesn't have any.

The postal worker states that he needs to see some positive identification,
and requests that the man return with ID.

The man refuses. The clerk is adamant.

The man starts yelling at the postal worker, and threatens to return with a
police officer, and have the clerk arrested.

The clerk stands firm; the man leaves. Amazingly, he returns with a cop.

Man: There he is, officer! Arrest that man!

Cop: What seems to be the problem here?

Clerk: [Explains situation to cop].

Cop: [Explains to man that clerk is doing his job correctly].

Man: You fat pig! You do nothing but sit around and eat donuts all day!

Cop: I see. Why won't the clerk give you your mail?

Man: He wants ID!

Cop: Do you have any?

Man: No! I told you- I just got back from vacation!

Cop: I see. And how did you get to the post office?

Man: I drove, of course!

Cop: Without a license? You're coming with me...

<**--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------**>

Family inside...
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.1041 ">Click Here </a>
http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.1041

<**--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------**>

Morris a career shoplifter was caught red-handed trying to steal
a very expensive watch from an exclusive jewelry store on
Fifth Avenue in New York.

"Listen," said Morris the shoplifter, "I know you don't want any
trouble either. What do you say I just buy the watch and we
forget about this?"

The manager agreed and wrote up the sales slip.

Morris looked at the price on the sales slip and said,
"This is a more than I intended to spend. Can you show me
something a little less expensive?"

<**--------------------IT'S NOT PUNNY!------------------------------**>

Mrs. Johnson the elementary school math teacher was having children do
problems on the blackboard that day.

"Who would like to do the first problem, addition?''

No one raised their hand. She called on Tommy, and with some help he
finally got it right.

"Who would like to do the second problem, subtraction?''

Students hid their faces. She called on Mark, who got the problem but
there was some suspicion his girlfriend Lisa whispered it to him.

"Who would like to do the third problem, division?''

Now a low collective groan could be heard as everyone looked at nothing
in particular. The teacher called on Suzy, who got it right

"Who would like to do the last problem, multiplication?''

Tim's hand shot up, surprising everyone in the room. Mrs. Johnson
finally gained her composure in the stunned silence. "Why the
enthusiasm, Tim?''

"God said to go forth and multiply!''

<**--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------**>

John and Marie were driving in the car and were having their usual
argument of the day. The bitter words were flying back and forth, and
John mumbling under his breath. Marie got really crazy because she
thought she heard John call her a fat bitch.

"John, did you just call me a fat bitch?"

"No, I called you a sack of shit," John said.

Marie says, "Well OK then, cause I have been dieting."

<**--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------**>

Once upon a time there lived a king. The king had
a beautiful daughter, the princess.

But there was a problem. Everything the princess
touched would melt. No matter what; metal, wood,
stone, anything she touched would melt. Because
of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would
dare marry her.

The king despaired.  What could he do to help his
daughter?  He consulted his wizards and magicians.
One wizard told the king, "If your daughter touches
one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will
be cured."

The king was overjoyed and came up with a plan.

The next day, he held a competition. Any man that could
bring his daughter an object that would not melt would
marry her and inherit the king's wealth.

Three young princes took up the challenge.

The first prince brought a sword of the finest steel. But
alas, once the princess touched it, it melted. The prince
went away sadly.

The second prince brought  diamonds. He thought diamonds
are the hardest substance in the world and would not melt.
But alas, once the princess touched them, they melted.
He too was sent away disappointed.

The third prince approached. He told the princess, "Put
your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there." The
princess did as she was told, though she turned red.

She felt something hard. She held it in her hand. And
it did not melt!!!

The king was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was
overjoyed. And the third prince married the princess
and they both lived happily ever after.

Question:
What was in the prince's pants?

[Scroll]
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V
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V
V
V
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M&M's of course.
They melt in your mouth, not in your hand.

What were you thinking you pervert?

<**--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------**>

Bringing work home...
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.1040 ">Click Here </a>
http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.1040

<**-------------------------WEIRD NEWS---------------------------**>

Two naked men were spotted pushing a pram containing a
stolen shrub in a terracotta pot.

Police picked up one of the men following a tip-off in
Palmerston North, New Zealand.

The other man was not found.

Officers were already investigating the theft of the pot
and shrub from outside a house in the town.

The man from Woodville is due to appear in Palmerston
North District Court .

"Theft of pot plants and shrubs off front porches is quite
common and whether it's a student thing I don't know but
we do get a reasonable amount of it happening," Senior
Sergeant Nick Dobson is quoted by Stuff.

"It's actually happened to me. The plants I had stolen
were so damn heavy I would've thought the person would've
ruptured themselves lifting it down the steps. Why they
have to run around naked doing it I don't know."

Weird News is a daily feature of Purehumour...it contains
a previously published News Report.  If you find an article
that you wish to see here..please send the article, name of
the publication and date to:
<a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">News</a>
IF you like Weird News...subscribe to my weekly ezine of
Weird News Weekly:
<a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">WNW</a>
<**--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------**>

Things I've learned from my children (honest and no kidding):

* There is no such thing as child-proofing your house.
* If you spray hairspray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller
blades, they can ignite.
* A 4-year-old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded
restaurant.
* If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan the motor is not strong
enough to rotate a 42-pound boy wearing Pound Puppy underwear and a
Superman cape.
* It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a
20-by-20-foot room.
* Baseballs make marks on ceilings.
* You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on.
* When using the ceiling fan as a bat you have to throw the ball up a
few times before you get a hit.
* A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
* The glass in windows (even double paned) doesn't stop a baseball hit
by a ceiling fan.
* When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh," it's already too
late.
* Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
* A 6-year-old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a
36-year-old man says they can only do it in the movies.
* A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.
* If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes it
does not leak, it explodes.
* A king-size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2,000-square-foot
house 4 inches deep.
* Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year-old.
* Duplos will not.
* Play dough and microwave should never be used in the same sentence.
* Super Glue is forever.
* McGyver can teach us many things we don't want to know.
* Ditto Tarzan.
* No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't
walk on water.
* Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
* VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show
they do.
* Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
* Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
* You probably do not want to know what that odor is.
* Always look in the oven before you turn it on.
* Plastic toys do not like ovens.
* The fire department in San Diego has at least a 5-minute response
time.
* The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy.
* It will however make cats dizzy.
* Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
* A good sense of humor will get you through most problems in life
(unfortunately, mostly in retrospect).

<**--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------**>

One caller to our answering service gave me his name, number
and message and then said, "You know my name. What's yours?"

"We're not allowed to give our names," I replied, "but my
operator number is 4136"

Sounding disappointed, he said, "May I call you by your first
digit, or would that be too personal?"

<**--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------**>

Making sure...
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.1039 ">Click Here </a>
http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.1039

<**--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------**>

Anni was waiting in the check-out line at a shopping centre. Her arms
were laden with a mop and broom and other cleaning supplies. By her
actions and deep sighs, it was obvious she was in a hurry and not happy
about the slowness of the line.

When the cashier called for a price check on a box of soap, Anni
remarked indignantly, "Well, I'll be lucky to get out of here and home
before Christmas!"

"Don't worry, ma'am," replied the clerk. "With that wind kicking up out
there and that brand new broom you have there, you'll be home in no
time."

<**---------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------**>

What does WOMAN stand for?

Will Often Moan And Nag

<**--------------------------EDITORIAL--------------------------------**>

Test Your Popular Culture IQ

Over the years, there have been several reports that say 40% of American
high school seniors cannot find Canada on a map, or name the very large
country to the North. But this doesn't seem to be a serious problem,
unless you tried to visit Canada, and ended up somewhere in Texas
instead.

But America's teenagers are shaking off our expectations of them. They
tell us, "Man, like, you don't even know, like, about what's really,
uhh, you know, like, important?" This has lead to the understandable
complaint from many adults that they "just don't understand today's
young people."

But today's teens, as unintelligible as they may sound, may have a good
point: Like, you know, have we forgotten what it was like when we were
teenagers? Have we forgotten how to . . . uhhh. . . have fun and enjoy
ourselves? And does it really matter to anyone but the Canadians where
Canada is?

Let's find out. Here's a short quiz that tests your knowledge about
current events and trends in American popular culture. Let's see if you
know as much as today's young people.

1. A teenager you know says she wants the new CD by "Hole." for her
birthday. After reminding her she never got you anything for your
birthday, you say:

a. "Yeah, I've heard of Hole. Their lead singer, Courtney Love, was
married to Kurt Cobain.

b. "A Certificate of Deposit?! That's great. She's already investing in
her future."

c. "Whatever happened to band names like The Doors and Iron Butterfly?"

d. "What the heck is a CD?"

2. You overhear people talking about how Monica and Chandler finally got
married after keeping their relationship a secret for nearly a year, and
wondering if Ross is the father of Rachel's baby. These people are
talking about:

a. The season finale of "Friends."

b. A soap opera of some sort.

c. Some people who need serious professional help.

d. I have no clue. If they're not on Lawrence Welk, then I don't care.

3. Everywhere you look, you see a W.W.J.D. bracelet or t-shirt. What is
W.W.J.D.?

a. A small reminder that keeps us on the moral straight-and-narrow.

b. The call letters for a radio station

c. Just another religious trend that people are making lots of money on.

d. Not nearly as cool as your Shroud of Turin shower curtain.

4. Jackie Chan is one of Hollywood's hottest martial arts stars, having
appeared in several action movies. While debating the merits of his
latest movie, you pose the question:

a. Does he really do his own stunts?

b. Do you think he will create a new interest in martial arts movies?

c. Is he this generation's Bruce Lee?

d. Yeah, but could he beat Xena Warrior Princess?

5. Beanie Babies are cheap bean bag dolls that people pay tens and even
hundreds of dollars just to own a single doll. Someone offers you a
chance to buy Quackers the Duck for $75. You should:

a. Leap at the opportunity. A chance like this only happens once in a
lifetime.

b. Pore over every single volume of "Beanie Babies Monthly Magazine" and
make an informed decision.

c. Beat the person senseless and take the doll while they're
unconscious.

d. Say "No thank you, I'm going to get a habitrail for my Sea Monkeys."

6. The latest children's TV craze on Public Television is "Teletubbies,"
a United Kingdom import. After watching Teletubbies a few times, you
wish they would:

a. Spend a little more time on educational and learning issues like Mr.
Rodgers and Sesame Street.

b. Stop using those annoying voices

c. Quit wasting valuable air time that could be dedicated to another
woodworking show.

d. Beat the crap out of Barney the Purple Dinosaur

7. Emeril Lagasse (Em-a-real Lah-gass-ey) is one of the new generation
of Great American Chefs appearing on TV's food network. You've seen him
a few times on TV, and you now know he is:

a. Probably even more famous than Hollywood chef and entrepreneur,
Wolfgang Puck.

b. Responsible for bringing Cajun food, and thus major heartburn, to
prominence in this country.

c. Some goof who's wasting valuable airtime that could be dedicated to
the Teletubbies.

d. Something Uncle Marvin says after All You Can Eat Chili Night at his
favorite Tex-Mex restaurant.

Now, let's see how you did: If you answered A to every question, you
know a lot more about American Popular Culture than you originally
thought. If you answered B or C, you're just a cynical old coot who
complains every time your bunions hurt. If you answered D, you've got a
good eye for humor and were able to pick out every joke in this column.

To send your comments, questions, or just find out what W.W.J.D. means,
send email to Erik at [EMAIL PROTECTED]

--
Erik Deckers is in sales and marketing by day, but at night he dons a cape and
mask and. . . well, he doesn't fight crime so much as he just runs around his
house making kung fu noises. He is shy, and doesn't want people to make fun of
him. At other times, he writes a weekly humor column, which can be found at
http://www.kconline.com/deckers.


Your article length submissions are welcome...send your
humourous submissions of between 300 and 500 words to:
<a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">Editorials</a>
Editorial comments expressed here are copyright the writer and
may not be reproduced in whole or in part without the expressed
written consent of the writer and also the editor of Purehumour.

--------------------IMPORTANT INFORMATION!--------------------
When forwarding this ezine please leave this trailer message
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None of this material is considered copyright...it is
considered in the public domain. If any material is
copyrighted please notify me at <a href=" 
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and proper credit will  be given. It has been collected from various
sources and submitters names have been included when given.

Paul Croft - Owner/Editor-In-Chief/Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour!
Contact me: <a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">Paul's Address</a>

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All Worldwide rights reserved! PHWeekly is published in small town
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