<--------- http://www.paulsfunhouse.com --------->
<----------The Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour ---------->

<---------------------PHWeekly Joke Ezine!--------------------->
<-------The Little Sister Of Purehumour Joke Ezine------>

PHWeekly (aka Purehumour Weekly) is now residing at the
home of Paul's Fun House (http://www.paulsfunhouse.com)
PHWeekly features the BEST Adult humour on the net...in
the unlikely event that you no long wish to be a subscriber...
please see the bottom of this mailing to unsubscribe.
*please note...all replies to this ezine are discarded without
being read...for contact info...please see the bottom of this
mailing also.

This fall on ABC a brand new sitcom will hit the airwaves
called "8 Simple Rules For Dating My Daughter" starring
John Ritter (of Three's Company fame).  So what you say...
every year there are new sitcoms and every year most of
them fail....I know that too...but for me this one is a little
different...the sitcom is based on a book by Bruce Cameron...
and Bruce and I just happen to belong to a mailing list
together...so I can honestly say this is the first time that
I have ever known someone involved in network TV...I hope
that when the show airs in your area that you will give it a
look...and maybe pick up a copy of his book too...and tell
him that Paul told you to...maybe I can make some sort
of commission from him!  ;)

Happy Memorial Day Weekend to all of those who live South
of me...this makes for the best weekend of the year...yes
tomorrow I can vegetate in front of the TV for about 10 hours
straight watching the day's auto racing!  Indy 500 followed by
the Coca Cola 600...what a day...just have to hope for good
weather down south!

Today's issue includes contributions by: Keli, Rubin, SunAmy,
Stan, Barb, Di Ann, Anni, Ishy, Marina, John.

If you want to see your name here...send your jokes to:
<a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">Jokes</a>

Lets start with a quickie:

What do you get when you cross a rooster with an owl?

A cock that stays up all night.

--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------

A Little head??
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Condom's Future...
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Today's issue is brought to you by:

residents of the USA and Canada...

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The Pope was finishing his sermon. He finished with
the Latin phrase, "Tuti Hominous" - Blessed be

A women's rights group approached the Pope the next
day. They commented that the Pope blessed all mankind,
but not womankind. So the next day, after his sermon,
the Pope concluded by saying, "Tuti Hominous et tuti
Feminous" - Blessed be mankind and womankind.

The next day, a gay-rights group approached the Pope.
They said that they noticed that he blessed mankind
and womankind, and asked if he could also bless 'gay'
people. The Pope said, 'Yes.'

The next day, he concluded his sermon with "Tuti
Homenous et Tuti Feminous et Tuti Fruity."



Why not give us a vote or recommend us to a friend?

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------------------------GUS COOKS!------------------------------

Gus really gets cooking...a new strip each day!
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A recent bride called her mother one evening in tears. "Oh, Mom, I
tried to make Grandmother's meat loaf for dinner tonight, and it's
just awful! I followed the recipe exactly, and I know I have the
recipe right because it's the one you gave me. But it just didn't
come out right, and I'm so upset. I wanted this to be so special for
George because he loves meat loaf. What could have gone wrong?"

Her mother replied soothingly, "Well, dear, let's go through the
recipe. You read it out loud and tell me exactly what you did at each
step, and together we'll figure it out."

"OK," the bride sniffled. "Well, it starts out, ' Take fifty cents
worth of ground beef '..."

----------------------PUREHUMOUR POLL--------------------

12 steps to freedom!

Check it out
<a href=" http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/fun/ ">Poll</a>

-----------------------QUICK QUOTE----------------------------

"All pop music is about sex. Rock is about wanting to do it, jazz is
about doing it, and country and western is about feeling guilty after
you've done it."
-Robert Waldo Brunelle, Jr.

--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------

An interstellar message...
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That wasn't a fart...
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.182 ">Click Here </a>


Top 10 a.k.a.'s for high-tech outlaws (From CNET):

1. Son of SIMM: His random acts of murder (RAM) are some of the
most shocking in recent memory. Hates his motherboard.

2. Billy the CAD: Fastest drawing program in the West.

3. Pretty eBay Floyd: Modern-day Robin Hood auctions faux
antiques to the rich and donates the spoils to failing dot-coms.

4. Bugsy C++-gul: A good coder gone bad.

5. Ted Bondi Blue: Set out to write a virus to attack Power Macs
and iMacs but switched to PCs when he discovered VBScript.

6. James URL Ray: Assassinated the leader of the 32-bit color

7. Hack the Ripper: Brutally rips MP3s and burns them to CDs.
Displays total disregard for copyright laws.

8. SCSI Borden: Gave her mother 40 Macs.

9. John Dellinger: Escaped from prison brandishing a Latitude
carved from soap.

10. John WAN Gacy: Your child's worst nightmare: A network
administrator, a basement, and a clown suit.

-------------------------A DOG'S WORLD------------------------

A Dog's World is a continuing story that will appear in each
issue...miss a segment?...then check out the archives at:

[Will return next issue!]

Copyright 2001-02 D. Scott
Check out more at: http://www.humorcorner.com
--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------

Julia Roberts Before & After The Buffet
<a href=" http://www.comedyezine.com/vero8.htm ">Click</a>

Catherine Zeta Jones Before & After The Buffet
<a href=" http://www.comedyezine.com/vero9.htm ">Click</a>

Elizabeth Hurly Before & After The Buffet
<a href=" http://www.comedyezine.com/vero7.htm ">Click</a>

Jennifer Love Hewitt Before & After The Buffet
<a href=" http://www.comedyezine.com/vero6.htm ">Click</a>

You Don't Have A Clue
<a href=" http://www.comedyezine.com/vero10.htm ">Click</a>

Two Things You Should Never Do In The Bedroom
<a href=" http://roseys.net/jillsprog5.htm ">Click</a>

My Hairdresser Was Upset Today
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Lower Lower Mr Mower
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Its Not What It Seems
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Chick In A Bikini
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A Bra Invented By A Man
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One Tequila Two Tequila
<a href=" http://www.aikenslaughs.com/1/14.html ">Click</a>


This guy was driving the back roads of
Arkansas late one night. He hadn't had much sleep and
should not have been driving.

He started to doze off but caught himself just in time
to see two Yankees in the road. He slammed on the brakes
but to no avail. He hit both of them.

One went through the windshield and landed in the back
seat and the other bounced off the grill and landed in
a field 100 feet away.

In a panic he called the Arkansas State Police on his
cell phone for help.

When the State Trooper arrived the guy  explained,
"Oh my God, officer I'm so sorry I was too tired to
be driving and I killed these guys. I can't go to jail,
I've got a wife and three kids. What am I going to do?"

The trooper looked at him and in that wonderful
Southern drawl said, "Boy, don't you fret one bit. We'll
get that Yankee in the back seat of your car for
attempted car-jacking and we'll get the one in the field
for leaving the scene of an accident."


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------------------------STRANGE BREED!-------------------------

If you like funny, wacky, and clean cartoons, then check out
"Strange Breed". It's sure to make you and your whole family

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A white and a black man were sent to hell for sinful lives.
When they got there, they stood in front of the devil and awaited

The white man came forward first. The devil told him to drop
his pants and he did. Then the devil grabbed hold of his penis
and it slowly and painfully melted away.

With the white man laying on the ground in pain, the black man
stepped forward. The devil told him to drop his pants and
with a smirk on his face he did. Then the devil grabbed hold
of his penis and nothing happened. The bewildered devil asked
the man what was so funny and the black man replied, "This kind of
chocolate melts in your mouth not in your hand.

--------------FROM THE BATHROOM WALL -------------

While playing a poker game, if you look around the table and can't
tell who the sucker is - it's you.


[Now if only it were this simple!]

An Israeli soldier who just enlisted asked the
Commanding Officer for a 3-day pass.

The CO says "Are you crazy? You just join the
Israeli army, and you already want a 3-day pass?
You must do something spectacular for that

So the soldier comes back a day later in an
Arab tank!

The CO was so impressed, he asked, "How
did you do it?"

"Well, I jumped in a tank, and went toward the
border with the Arabs. I approached the border,
and saw an Arab tank. I put my white flag up,
the Arab tank put his white flag up. I said to the

Arab soldier, "Do you want to get a 3-day pass?
So we exchanged tanks!"

--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------

Happy birthday Fart...
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.194 ">Click Here </a>

Showing some crack!
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.210 ">Click Here </a>


Sammy asks his mother "what does fornication mean?" Mother says, "ask
your father." Sammy asks his father, "what's does fornication mean?"
Father says, "Go ask your grandma." Sammy asks grandma "what's the
meaning of fornication?" Grandma says "Sammy, come into my bedroom."
They go into bedroom, she opens the closet and says "See these two
dresses? One is for everyday, the other is fornication."

--------------------IT'S NOT PUNNY!------------------------------

While working for the U.S. Census, I approached one home where I was
greeted by two children. I introduced myself, explained that I was a
census taker and asked to see an adult. The older child ran to the door
and shouted for the woman of the house. She hollered back, "Who is it?"
The youngster yelled, "It's the senseless undertaker."


How Burgers Are Made
<a href=" http://www.aikenslaughs.com/1/15.html ">Click</a>

She Cant Cook
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A Womans Choices
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Pass The Word
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Coke For Guys
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Chick With A Cute Pussy
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Bin Laden Dart Board
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Terrorist In Disguiuse
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Eat Out
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Alarm Clock For Guys
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Encyclopedia For Sale
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Dieting To Extreme
<a href=" http://jokeworm.com/funlink3.html ">Click</a>


There are even some things that really bother dogs, but not
having the ability to speak (not to mention not having opposing
thumbs) really hampers disclosing these facts to humans. In my
great caninical wisdom, I have done some research and have now
developed a list with which to convey these doggy pet peeves.

1. When you run away in the middle of a perfectly good leg

2. Blaming your farts on me... not funny.

3. Yelling at me for barking... I'M A FRIGGIN' DOG YOU IDIOT!!

4. How you naively believe that the stupid cat isn't all over
    everything while you're gone. (Have you noticed that your
    toothbrush tastes a little like cat?)

5. Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out.
    Exactly whose walk is this anyway?

6. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose... stop

7. Yelling at me for rubbing my ass on your carpet. Why'd you
    buy carpet?

8. Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests.
    Sorry but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing

9. How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both
    know the truth, you're just jealous.

10. Dog sweaters. Have you noticed my fur?

11. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know
     why we chew your stuff up when you're not home.

12. When you insist on picking up the piles in the yard. Do
     you realize how far behind schedule that puts me?

13. Taking me to the vet for "the big snip", then acting
     surprised when I freak out every time we go back there.

14. The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog!
     What a proud moment for the top of the food chain.

15. Invisible fences. Why do you insist on screwing with us?


Get your condoms here!
<a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/5.html ">Click</a>


<A Classic!>

Three Mothers, a blonde, brunette, and a redhead were all
talking about their daughters.

The Brunette said "I was looking through my daughters things
and I found cigarettes, I can't believe my daughter smokes."

The redhead said "Ladies, I was looking through my daughters
things and I found a bottle of liquor, I can't believe my daughter

The Blonde said "I was looking through my daughters things
and I found a pack of condoms, I can't believe my daughter
has a penis!"

--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------

When things are rough...
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.250 ">Click Here </a>

Enlarge that sucker...
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.262 ">Click Here </a>

-------------------------WEIRD NEWS---------------------------

A court has ruled a prisoner does not have the
right to create a baby by post.

William Gerber is serving a 111-year sentence in a
California prison. He wanted to send his semen to
his wife to inseminate herself.

But the federal appeals court in San Francisco ruled
prisoners do not have an automatic right to father

Gerber was jailed for a firearms offence, making
terrorist threats and using illegal drugs, reports the
San Francisco Chronicle.

The 42-year-old, who is in Ironwood Prison in Riverside
County, wanted to send his semen through the overnight
post to wife Evelyn, 46.

Weird News is a daily feature of Purehumour...it contains
a previously published News Report.  If you find an article
that you wish to see here..please send the article, name of
the publication and date to:
<a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">News</a>
IF you like Weird News...subscribe to my weekly ezine of
Weird News Weekly:
<a href=" http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com ">Lists</a>

Keli and Anni were on the field, harvesting some carrots
for lunch. Keli pulls out of the ground a giant carrot,
at least 17 inches long, very thick, earth flowing down
from it's many secondary roots.

"See, Anni, this carrot's exactly like my man's dick!"

"My oh my, Keli, is Greg's dick THAT big?"

"No, Anni, but sure is THAT dirty!!!"

-------------------------QUICK WIT-------------------------------

[||||]     F I N A L    A N S W E R     [||||]

After three years of tube dominance and profits exceeding a billion
clams, the Reege hosted "Millionaire" has been axed by ABC.    (NY

But not to despair.  With greed out of the way, the net has six more
deadly sins to exploit.

Copyright  2002 by Bob Mills, all rights reserved.

A friend and I were standing inside a building of a local
theme park. We were looking outside, and it was an extremely
windy day.

The area's custodian, the one who had the job of
sweeping up debris, was a very small woman (4'10", 90lbs)
and she was having a rough time trying to not be blown away.

My friend joked with the lady, telling her that she would
have to put heavy rocks in her shoes when she went outside
to work.

The lady looked at my friend and lisped, "You mean,
now I weigh me down to sweep?"


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--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------

One Cold penguin...
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Bondage Fun
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Three convicts, an Italian, a Jew, and a Polack were on their way to prison.

They were each allowed to take one item with them to help them occupy their
time while incarcerated. On the bus, the Jew turned to the Italian and
said, "So, what did you bring?"

The Italian pulled out a box of paints and stated that he intended to paint
anything he could. He wanted to become the "Grandma Moses of Jail".

The Italian then asked the Jew, "What did you Bring?"

The Jew pulled out a deck of cards and grinned and said, "I brought cards.
I can play poker, solitaire, gin and any number of games."

The Polack was sitting quietly aside, grinning to himself.

The other two took notice and asked, "Why are you so smug? What did you

The Polack pulled out a box of tampons and smiled. He said, "I brought

The other two were puzzled and asked, "What can you do with those?"

He grinned and pointed to the box and said, "Well according to the box, I
can go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating..."


What's the difference between a tampon and a cowboy hat?

Cowboy hats are for assholes.


[Erik's column appears each Tuesday in Purehumour....are you
subscribed to Purehumour?  NO???????  Check it out at:
http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com ]

This Week's Laughing Stalk
by Erik Deckers

But I'm Still the World's Strongest Humorist

I've been writing humor columns for over five years, and I've met,
corresponded with, and even become friends with other humor columnists
around the world. Some of them are extremely successful, some became
successful while I've known them, and some are just beginning their
writing careers. I've even helped a few aspiring writers get published
for the first time.

We've traded laughs, tips, and ideas over the years. I've co-written a
column with Jennifer Layton of J Street fame, traded name placement in
columns with Joe Lavin, and critiqued pieces for a number of different

I've met Garrison Keillor of Public Radio International's "A Prairie
Home Companion" on two different occasions, I have an autographed photo
of Dave Barry on my office wall, and I am in the same humor writers
group as Bruce Cameron, author of "Eight Rules for Dating My Teenage
Daughter" which made the New York Times Bestseller's List.

I hate them all.

Okay, maybe hate is too strong a word. How about despise, detest, or

Don't get me wrong. They're all wonderful people, and I even consider a
couple of the non-famous ones my online friends. But I would think much
more favorably about all of them if they weren't humorists.

But how can this be a problem, I ask myself? Garrison Keillor is a kind
man who offered me some advice in the early stages of my writing career
("Write about current events," he told me). Dave Barry sent me his
autographed photo after I asked him to join another humor writers group.
Jennifer Layton and I email each other on a regular basis, and I've
corresponded with Bruce Cameron on a number of occasions. He even
politely declined an invitation to join a humor website I was creating.

Even with all these good feelings running rampant throughout the humor
community, do you think I'm alone in my professional envy of other humor

Hell no. We all hate each other.

It's true: every humor writer everywhere hates every other humor writer.

Oh sure, we all admire each others' creativity and talent, and publicly
state how much we love each other's work. But beneath the surface, every
humor writer is dripping with envy. It oozes out of our pores. Despite
all our well-wishes to our fellow humorists, we secretly despise each

We're tired of hearing about everyone's book deals, book tours, and
requests to write screenplays. I've even heard a rumor (which I started)
that one humor writer is even being interviewed personally by Disney
chairman Michael Eisner to be his office coffee table. We want these
successes to be our own, and we hate each other for getting what we
think should be rightfully ours.

So late at night, when we're alone, our jealousy bubbles to the surface,
and we're consumed by our loathing. We draw grotesque pictures of our
competition being eaten alive by weasels. We whine and cry at our
computers, "Why him? Why not me?!"

At least the others do. I'm not so melodramatic. I just sign them up for
subscriptions to book clubs and porn magazines.

Why do we do it? Why do we look at our fellow humorists as competition
rather than teammates and friends? Why can't we be truly happy for them?

Because we're all afraid everyone else is funnier than us. All of us.
Even the top professionals suffer from a deep-seated envy of other humor

Even though they're friends, Garrison Keillor grinds his teeth, cries
out "I'm not making this up!" in his sleep, and dreams of the day he can
dunk Dave Barry in a vat of boiling oil.

And Dave Barry weeps nightly as he delivers "the news from Lake
Okeechobee" on a second-hand karaoke machine, and throws darts at
Keillor's publicity photos, while he downs slug after slug of homemade

It doesn't matter who supports us, tells us we're great, or that we're
funnier than anyone else they've ever read. In addition to envy, we're
all have self-esteem issues that makes us believe the only people who
find us funny are the people who are supposed to: our parents, spouses,
and close friends.

In the past, I've been compared to Dave Barry and Lewis Grizzard, as in
"Gee, you're much bigger than Dave Barry is," or "Wow, you're not quite
as dead as Lewis Grizzard." Some people have even gone so far as to say
they like me better than Dave Barry.

And these are always great to hear. My head swells as big as Rhode
Island when someone says my name on the same day they mention Dave
Barry, let alone making a direct comparison to him.

Trust me, any comparisons to Dave Barry and Lewis Grizzard are like gold
to any humor writer, and they're always vastly appreciated, because we
need our egos stroked constantly. But there's a part of us that always
thinks "This person must have forgotten his insanity medication. There's
no way I'm as funny as those guys."

We humor writers are a neurotic lot, because we worry about everything.
We make jokes about anything, but worry that we make them about the
wrong thing. We try to push the envelope on what's funny, but worry that
we'll offend and insult our readers. We love comparisons to "the Big
Boys" -- oh man, do we love comparisons to the Big Boys! -- but worry
that we'll forever be in their shadows.

But don't cry for us. This is the path we've chosen: making other people
laugh in the face of adversity, for little or no pay. So if you ever
meet a humor writer, just pat him or her on the shoulder, give a knowing
nod, and say, "I understand how you feel, and I appreciate what you do."

And slip him 20 bucks, you big cheapskate! It's not like we get rich
doing this!


Erik Deckers is in sales and marketing by day, but at night he dons a cape and
mask and. . . well, he doesn't fight crime so much as he just runs around his
house making kung fu noises. He is shy, and doesn't want people to make fun of
him. At other times, he writes a weekly humor column, which can be found at

Your article length submissions are welcome...send your
humourous submissions of between 300 and 500 words to:
<a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">Editorials</a>
Editorial comments expressed here are copyright the writer and
may not be reproduced in whole or in part without the expressed
written consent of the writer and also the editor of Purehumour.
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that could offend you...pure and simple!  If you don't wish to see such
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--------------------IMPORTANT INFORMATION!--------------------
When forwarding this ezine please leave this trailer message
in place.

None of this material is considered copyright...it is
considered in the public domain. If any material is
copyrighted please notify me at <a href=" 
mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">Copyright</a>
and proper credit will  be given. It has been collected from various
sources and submitters names have been included when given.

Paul Croft - Owner/Editor-In-Chief/Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour!
Contact me: <a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">Paul's Address</a>

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PHWeekly Joke Ezine as a whole is copyright  Paul Croft-2002
All Worldwide rights reserved! PHWeekly is published in small town
Canada...all views expressed are not necessarily those of the
publisher and should not be taken as such...they are meant in the
spirit of humour and nothing else!  If offended by a selection in this
issue...please hit delete!

Some material in PHWeekly is written exclusively for PHWeekly...
this material is marked as such!  Copyright is retained by the original
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