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<---------------------PHWeekly Joke Ezine!--------------------->
<-------The Little Sister Of Purehumour Joke Ezine------>

PHWeekly (aka Purehumour Weekly) is now residing at the
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Today's issue includes contributions by: Joni, Marina, Mike, Stan,
John, SunAmy, Ken, Marsha.

If you want to see your name here...send your jokes to:
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Lets start with a quickie:

Why are cowgirls bowlegged?

Cowboys like to eat with their hats on.

--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------

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<A Classic!>

A boy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town, doing
what boys and girls do on back roads some distance from town, when the girl
stopped the boy. "I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm
actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex."

The boy reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing. After the
cigarette, the boy just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window.

"Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl.

"Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver,
and the fare back to town is $25."



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------------------------GUS COOKS!------------------------------

Gus really gets cooking...a new strip each day!
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[Get ready to groan away!]

A golf club walks into a local bar and asks the barman for a  pint of
beer.  The barman refuses to serve him.

"Why not," asks the golf club.

"You'll be driving later," replies the bartender.


20 lemmings walk into a bar . Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! Ouch!
Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! Ouch!


A shrimp walks into a bar, and the bartenders says, "I'm sorry, but we
don't serve food here."


A termite walks into a bar and says, "Is the bar tender here?"


This mushroom walks into a bar and starts hitting on this woman... She,
of course, turns him down.

Not willing, to give up, he pleads with her, "C'mon lady, I'm a fun guy."


I met this gal in a bar, and one thing lead to another.

I said, "Let's go back to my place."

She said, "Oh, do you have cable?"

I said, "No, but I have some old ropes that should do just fine."


When the animals were in a bar ordering drinks, they agreed to take
turns paying. The giraffe was the first to volunteer because he said,
"The high balls are on me."


I walked into a bar the other day and ordered a double. The bartender
brings out a guy who looks just like me.


Two peanuts walked into a bar, and one was a-salted.


A three legged dog walks into a bar and says, "I'm looking for the man
who shot my paw."


This grasshopper walks into a bar, and the bartender says "Hey! We have
a drink named after you!"

The grasshopper replies "Really? You have a drink named Steve?!"


This baby seal walks into a bar and the bartender says,"What'll ya

The seal says, "Anything but a Canadian Club.


This horse walks into a bar and the bartender says "Hey, buddy, why the
long face.?"


So, this skeleton walks into a bar and says, "I'd like a beer and a mop."


So, a guy walks into a bar. "OUCH!" he said.

----------------------PUREHUMOUR POLL--------------------

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-----------------------QUICK QUOTE----------------------------

"You cannot strengthen the weak by weakening the strong."
-Abraham Lincoln

--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------

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The Poo Chart...
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Little Johnny's mother was pregnant and Little Johnny walked
into the bathroom just as she was entering the shower.

Little Johnny turned to his mother and said "Mommy you are
getting really fat!"

Little Johnny's mother replied, "Yes Johnny, remember that
mommy has a baby growing in her tummy."

To which Little Johnny exclaimed, "I know that, but what is
growing in your butt!"

-------------------------A DOG'S WORLD------------------------

A Dog's World is a continuing story that will appear in each
issue...miss a segment?...then check out the archives at:

"I hate to say this but the last time I went to the vet,
they told my human that my system is very delicate and foods
like fruit can cause me to be rather...well, gassy."

The other dogs were stunned. They didn't know whether to
laugh or cry. Sam crawled over to the door and began to peer
through a small crack. Behind him he could hear Shep break
wind and the others begin to laugh. Sam could see the
sunlight through the tiny crack and thought to himself, "I
have got to get out of here."

None of the dogs knew what day it was. To them the minutes
and hours passed in total darkness. They could feel themselves
starting to get ancy so to pass the time they told stories,
tried to imitate other animals, and sang songs, "Please, if
I hear anymore of 100 bottles of beer on the wall I'm going
to lose it." Rex said.

Sam wondered what the dogs on the outside were doing.
Were they trying to get in the basement? Were they
trying to get them out of there? He thought it strange
that none of them had been heard sniffing around the door.

As they passed the time, a slow trickle of water began
to run down one of the walls. They were sure it was raining.
Together they expressed their love of the rain and how much
fun they had running through puddles and slogging through
the mud.

Suddenly they heard a loud bang. Something had hit the
door. They could hear the wind howl like it never had before.
"Hell of a storm comin", said Ralph.

"Sure sounds like it", Sam replied.

"That's no storm", muttered Shep. "My legs stiff whenever a
storm is approaching, I don't feel a thing right now."

Copyright 2001-02 D. Scott
Check out more at: http://www.humorcorner.com
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The old man was out walking his dog around the
trailer park, and a woman stopped to admire the

"What's your dog's name?" she asked.

"Herpes," replied the old man.

"How....odd," said the woman. "Why Herpes?"

"Because he won't heel."


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------------------------STRANGE BREED!-------------------------

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Doctor: "I'm afraid I have some good news and some bad news, Miss Figbee."

Miss Figbee: "Well, give me the good news first, Doc."

Doctor: "Your lab tests came back today, and your crabs are all gone."

Miss Figbee: Gee, that's great! But what's the bad news?"

Doctor: "We don't know what killed them.

--------------FROM THE BATHROOM WALL -------------

The next time some rich "tourist" returns from a Space Shuttle ride,
let's all dress up as apes!


A man parked his car at the supermarket and was walking
past an empty cart when he heard a woman ask, "Excuse me,
did you want that cart?"

"No," he answered. "I'm only after one thing."

As he walked toward the store, he heard her murmur,
"Typical male."

--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------

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Booger Board...
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---------------NON SMOKING SECTION-------------------------

<To comply with recent internet law changes...Purehumour will
now present a daily non-smoking section...this section is fully
smoke-free...I do not smoke while creating it...and you are
requested not to smoke while you read it!  You co-operation
is expected.>

Mark returned home one night to find his wife lying naked in bed. His eyes
went wide and he began to strip, only to stop suddenly when he saw a cigar
in the ashtray beside the bed.

"All right," Mark shouted, "I demand to know where this cigar came from!"

A muffled voice came from under the bed, "Havana."

<End of non-smoking section...please light your tobacco products
once more>

--------------------IT'S NOT PUNNY!------------------------------

A young woman was walking on the beach and came upon a young Tern not
yet able to fly and seemingly had lost its parents. She picked it up and
was carrying it with her when she came upon a young man reading from a
book of verse. He traded her the book for the bird and she said he had
taken a tern for the verse. He went in the Pier Cafe and the Chef was
stirring the batter for sourdough bread. The young man traded the tern
for a jar of the dough. He said the chef had taken a tern for the


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Remove His Shorts
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Remove Her Bra
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A Scotsman was visiting a friend in the mountains of
Canada. The first morning in the cabin, he awoke and
stood by the window admiring the scenery. Suddenly,
he noticed a huge animal walk by.

"Och, Whut's Thaaat?!" he asked.

His Canadian friend looked out the window, and said,
"Oh, that's a Moose."

Och! If thaaat's a moose, hoo big are yoor cats aroond here?"


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Modern-day miracles, it seems, do occur -- and in the strangest places.

A Christian evangelist driving down a Virginia turnpike is pulled over for
speeding. The trooper smells alcohol in the vehicle and sees an empty wine
bottle on the floor.

The officer asks the cleric: "Have you been drinking, sir?"

"Only water, officer," the minister says.

"Then why do I distinctly smell wine in your car?

The minister looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------

Nasty very nasty...
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Bit's and pieces...
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-------------------------WEIRD NEWS---------------------------

A Chinese hospital says only 10% of the sperm students
have donated is good enough to use.

Nearly 400 undergraduates answered the Tongji Medical
College's plea for sperm bank donors.

The hospital in central Hubei province targeted students,
thinking their sperm was of a "finer quality" than the

Family planning department director Xiong Chengliang
blamed unhealthy lifestyles for the high failure rate.

He told the Sing Tao Daily: "Many undergraduates now lead
an active night life where they smoke, drink or surf the
internet late into the night."

The Straits Times quotes him as saying: "Such unhealthy
habits have affected the quality of their sperm."

Weird News is a daily feature of Purehumour...it contains
a previously published News Report.  If you find an article
that you wish to see here..please send the article, name of
the publication and date to:
<a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">News</a>
IF you like Weird News...subscribe to my weekly ezine of
Weird News Weekly:
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Two widows were visiting in the lounge of the Seniors' Centre.

"Well," one said, "Margaret has just cremated her third husband."

"Yeah, that's the way it goes," replied the other widow. "Some of us
can't find a husband, and others have husbands to burn!"

-------------------------QUICK WIT-------------------------------

[||||]     F O R    R I C H E R    F O R    P O O R E R     [||||]

A bride in Portugal left her stunned groom at the altar of the Batalha
Monastery, absconding with $138,000 of his family's cash and valuables
from his home.    (AP)

Guests had noticed that the miniature groom atop their wedding cake was
picking the pocket of the miniature bride.

Copyright  2002 by Bob Mills, all rights reserved.

A young, very attractive Swedish girl was massaging Jeff's shoulders, then
his chest, and gradually worked her way down his torso.

Jeff was getting sexually excited as the masseur approached the towel.

The towel began to lift and the Swedish girl arched her eyebrows. "You wanna
wank?" she asked.

"You bet," came the excited reply.

"O.K.," she said, "I come back in ten minutes."


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--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------

Zero pay raise...
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Drive through police Dept.
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Just like Norm on the T.V. show Cheers, when you walk in everyone yells 
your name.

They have a drink named after you.

You have been customer of the week more than twice in the same month.

The bartenders are now the grown children of the bartenders that were there 
when you first
started going there.

When the phone rings and you yell, "If it's for me I'm not here" doesn't 
work anymore.

When you're 20 minutes late for "Happy Hour" and the bartender says, "Where 
have you
been, we were worried that you might have been in an accident, you should 
have called."

The bathroom at the bar is more familiar to you than your bathroom at home.

Your car leaves a bigger oil leak spot in your usual parking spot at the 
bar than in your driveway at home.

You have Direct Deposit for your paycheck, but instead of being deposited 
in YOUR account it is deposited into the account of the bar to cover your tab.

Their pool table has become very comfortable to sleep on.

They have your home phone number on speed dial to call your wife to come 
get you when you pass
out on the pool table.

They wont let you be in the dart league anymore because you've almost put 
someone's eye out more than once.

You've never been arrested for DUI because why drive when you live across 
the street from the bar.

It's a vicious cycle. Drive to work in the morning, drive to the bar after 
work, walk home from the bar, walk to the bar in the morning to drive to 
work, drive to the bar after work.....etc. (at least you're not drinking 
and driving)

You've won their annual belching contest for 11 years straight.

You've watched every Super Bowl and World Series games there since 1969 and 
can't remember who
won what.

You didn't show up for 5 days in a row and they filed a missing persons 
report. You had finally decided to take your wife on a much deserved cruise 
for putting up with you all these years and on the ship you drove some 
bartender named Issac crazy enough to jump overboard. (a.k.a. The Loveboat)

Your favorite barstool has been reupholstered 5 times.

They hire a new bartender and you end up having to show him how to make a 
descent Bloody Mary.

One night you don't feel good, call the bar and tell them not to expect 
you. You pick up this funny looking thing on the coffee table of your 
living room and ask your wife what it is. She says it's a television remote 
so you can change T.V channels right form your chair. They've been around 
for about 15 to 20 years now. You then say what's that next to the T.V. 
That too,... she says thats a VCR, shakes her head, rolls her eyes and goes 
to bed.

You go to your son's High School Graduation and when they are passing out 
diplomas you lean over to your wife and whisper, "Be sure to point out 
which boy is ours. I can't remember what he looks like."

You've been rejected as an organ donar.

If your idol is comedian Foster Brooks

And last but not least...

The owner of the bar thinks of you as family.


Why did the blonde cross the road?

Never mind that, what was she doing out of the bedroom?


Chicken Shtick
by Dave Glardon

An unidentified chemical in chicken has been found to
cause emotional imbalance in teenage girls.  I'd like
to take credit for this discovery.  It's really
simple. We eat a lot of chicken, and my daughters are
driving me nuts.  That's all the proof I need.

If there were any justice in the world, menopause
would occur between the ages of 22 and 25.  This would
save fifty year-old people from the torment of raising
teenage kids.

I can handle the extremes in fashion.  Of course, as
the father of two daughters, I'm being paid back for
all the cheap thrills I got from the clothes girls
wore when I was young.

I know now why old folks always used to say that
looking at girls that way can make you go blind.  It's
hard to see when some girl's father pokes his fingers
in your eyes.  Ask my daughter's boyfriend.

And body piercings are still a mystery to me.  I just
don't understand the fascination.  But a really
creative mind can find a way to put them to good use.

Put a powerful electromagnet in every doorway.  No one
with body piercings gets past unless you turn it off.
Reverse the polarity and you can knock them right back
into the street.

My oldest daughter wanted to have her tongue pierced.
She told me a friend was going to pay for it as a
Christmas gift.  I told her that's no friend.  A real
friend would smack her in the forehead with a ball
peen hammer.

Eyebrow rings do serve a valuable function in our
society.  If it weren't for body piercings, we
wouldn't have so many tattoo parlors.  And if it
weren't for tattoo parlors, all those people who make
hepatitis medicine would be out of a job.

Emotional outbursts are to be expected of teenagers.
It's a constructive way of dealing with the fact that
the world doesn't bow before them.  It's also a
constructive way of increasing their parents'
consumption of alcohol.

At this age, everything is a catastrophe, especially
when it involves boyfriends.  With thirty-seven
combined years of parenting behind me, I've learned
how to interpret these emotional upheavals.  It's all
Dad's fault.

I remember when my oldest ran through the room
hysterical because her boyfriend sent word that her
services were no longer required.  I did the dad thing
and had an understanding with him.  He could tell her
to her face, or lose his.  It seemed fair to me.

He saw things my way, and explained his position in
person.  She understood, he understood, we all
understood.  But it was still my fault.  He didn't
really want to break up with her, but he was too
scared of me.

I stayed out of the next relationship.  I didn't talk
to him at all.  He left because it was obvious I
didn't like him.   So I tried being cordial to the
next one.  He left because I was too friendly.   The
next one I despised openly, so she hung onto him.

I've finally come to realize that no matter what I do,
I'm wrong.  Boyfriends aren't as much about love and
sex as they are about paying Dad back for all those
years of breathing.  If you want your daughter to
ditch a boy, don't point out his faults.  Just invite
him to dinner.

No discussion of teenage girls is complete without a
discussion of dramatics.  My youngest is in the
business of producing tears, and if they could be
bottled and sold, she'd be rich.  When I ask what's
wrong, she tells me to leave her alone.  If I leave
her alone, it means I don't care.

I've pretty much given up on finding out the root
cause of all these tears.  It's just a teenage brain
learning the cold, hard reality that life isn't always
fair.  My advice is to teach them the art of losing at
an early age.

I think the reason God made babies so cute is so we'll
be really attached to them before they become
teenagers.  The best defense is complete celibacy.

It's our job to feed and nurture our children.   Feed
their minds and their souls.  Feed their spirit, feed
their passion.   Feed them anything you want.  Just
don't ever feed them chicken.

 2002 Dave Glardon


Dave Glardon is a product of the fifties who came of
age in the seventies and is still trying to make sense
of the nineties. You can visit his Website at

Your article length submissions are welcome...send your
humourous submissions of between 300 and 500 words to:
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written consent of the writer and also the editor of Purehumour.
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None of this material is considered copyright...it is
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