<--------- http://www.paulsfunhouse.com --------->
                                     and
<----------The Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour ---------->
                                   presents

<---------------------PHWeekly Joke Ezine!--------------------->
<-------The Little Sister Of Purehumour Joke Ezine------>

PHWeekly (aka Purehumour Weekly) is now residing at the
home of Paul's Fun House (http://www.paulsfunhouse.com)
PHWeekly features the BEST Adult humour on the net...in
the unlikely event that you no long wish to be a subscriber...
please see the bottom of this mailing to unsubscribe.
*please note...all replies to this ezine are discarded without
being read...for contact info...please see the bottom of this
mailing also.

This is a BONUS sized issue of PHWeekly....because I have
missed a couple of issues...I have to catch up...I have commited
to running certain links and if I don't get them all in then it creates
problems...so todays issue contains more toons and timekillers
than ever before....

Purehumour (the parent publication of PHWeekly) is now avail-
able in a 100% ad-free version...you can find out more details
and subscribe to the original humour ezine from The Grand
Pooh-Bah of Humour at:
<a href=" http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com/paid.html ">Click</a>
http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com/paid.html ... ONE lucky subscriber
will win $50.00 CASH just by signing up!

Today's issue includes contributions by: Joni, SunAmy, Rubin,
Michael.

If you want to see your name here...send your jokes to:
<a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">Jokes</a>

-------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------
Lets start with a quickie:

"In an apparent copycat terrorist act, Mexican
terrorists, Juan and Miguel have hijacked a
Goodyear Blimp.

So far, they have bounced off 5 buildings."

--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------

Not a good sign...
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Asking for a raise...
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------------------------SPONSOR---------------------------------
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------

Robert wasn't too happy with his doctor's recommendation
to cure his constant fatigue.

"You want me to give up sex completely, Doc?" he cried.
"I'm a young guy. I'm in the prime of my life. How do you
expect me to give up sex and go cold turkey?"

"Well," replied the doctor, "you could get married and
taper off gradually."

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------------------------GUS COOKS!------------------------------

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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------

A man goes to a disco and starts chatting up a very
attractive looking Chinese girl. She appears to be
all over him and soon asks him back to her place
"for a coffee".

When they get to her flat she tells him to help
himself to a drink while she slips into something
more comfortable. Just as he finishes getting his
drink the sexy Chinese seductress returns wearing
only a see-through negligee.

"I am your sex slave!" she says,

"I will do absolutely ANYTHING you want"

Well the man is taken a little bit by surprise and
can't believe his luck. so he says: "I really fancy
a 69".....

"Fuck Off" replies the girl..... "I'm not cooking at
this time of night!"

----------------------PUREHUMOUR POLL--------------------

It could cost ya big time!

Check it out
<a href=" http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/fun/ ">Poll</a>
http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/fun/

-----------------------QUICK QUOTE----------------------------

Remember there's no such thing as a small act of kindness. Every act creates
a ripple with no logical end.
-Scott Adams

--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------

10 Commandments...
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------

A Ballerina goes to the doctor, "Doc I am having
terrible trouble with the most awful wind. Every
time I pirouette I fart", she cries.

"Hmmm," says the Doctor, "I'd like to see that if
possible" The ballerina get up, pirouettes and
Phrrrt... farts loudly.

"That's amazing, do it again."

Again the pirouette is accompanied by a loud fart.

"Hmmm," says the Doctor "I think I may be able to
help" he bends down and picks up a long pole with
a curious hook on the end.

The ballerina starts back in alarm, "What the hell
are you going to do with that?" she asks.

"Open the window, it stinks in here for Gods sake!"

-------------------------A DOG'S WORLD------------------------

A Dog's World is a continuing story that will appear in each
issue...miss a segment?...then check out the archives at:
http://www.escribe.com/humor/pj

Was this it? Was the end of the world finally here? Everyone
was asking the same question just not to each other.

They noticed the basement had become darker than it ever had
before. The water trickle had stopped as quickly as it
started. They also heard a sound they couldn't identify. A
whistling sound that seemed to grow louder and angrier as it
approached. The dogs huddled together and waited.

The winds continued to blow increasing ferocity. The dogs
could hear things smashing against the house. They stayed
huddled in a corner and tried not to shake in fear.

The next sound they heard was undescribable. It wasn't so much
a sound as it was a feeling. They could feel the earth move as
if it was being shifted around beneath them. Dust fell from the
ceiling and jars of fruit flew off the shelves.

After that there was nothing but an intense silence. It
seemed as though a huge vacuum had come and sucked up
every sound in the universe. The dogs couldn't even hear
themselves breathing even though they were all fighting
for air.

Without warning the house over the basement they were
hiding in collapsed and debris came tumbling down on top
of them. Incredibly enough the dogs never moved during
all this. They were so frightened nothing could have
moved them. Under the pile of debris, Sam just lay
there. Completely awake and unhurt, he lay there almost
hoping whatever came next would end this entire ordeal.

As the dogs lay under the rubble the silence was loud in
their ears. Somehow, they all knew each other was OK but
that was all they knew. They had never seen such darkness
before, there were no shadows or outlines of anything,
just dark.

Copyright 2001-02 D. Scott
Check out more at: http://www.humorcorner.com
--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------

Marys On Her Fourth Husband
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Dog or Towel
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Women Are From Venus
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Tell Em To Piss Off
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Husband Wanted
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My Husband Has  A Lousy Memory
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------

A group of prisoners are in their rehabilitation meeting.
Their task for today is to each stand up in turn speak
their name and admit to their fellow inmates what crime
they committed.

The first prisoner stands and says "My name is Daniel
and I'm in for murder" Everyone gives him approving
looks and pats on the back for admitting his wrong doing.

The next guy stands up and says "My name is Mike and
I'm in for armed robbery" Again, there is a round of
approving looks.

This goes around the circle until it gets to the last guy.
He stands up and says "My name is Melvin, but I'm not
telling you what I'm in for"

The group leader says "Now, come on Melvin, you have to
admit it to us to make any progress. Tell us what you
did."

"Ok then. I'm in for screwing dogs."

Everyone is disgusted!

They all shout "Oh that's disgusting! How LOW can you go!?!"

"Chihuahuas", Melvin replies.

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--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------

Why I Don't Go Fishing1
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Repaying Jills Kindness
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And The Reality Is
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Final Ultimatum
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Why I Don't Go Fishing2
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Kitty and the Litterbox
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Beware of Dog
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Inexperience
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Thats Some Soda
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------------------------STRANGE BREED!-------------------------

If you like funny, wacky, and clean cartoons, then check out
"Strange Breed". It's sure to make you and your whole family
laugh."

<a href="http://www2.hi.net/s4/strangebreed.htm";>Click</a>
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------

The drunk announced to the bartender, "It seems I've
been informally named advisor on 'Sexual Matters' at
my company."

"That sounds interesting. Does this mean you'll be
counseling the big bosses on relations with their
secretaries?"

"I'm not sure yet," he answered. "During a staff
meeting, I popped up to suggest a reduction in
executive expense accounts and it was after that I
was told if they ever wanted my fucking advice,
they'd let me know."

--------------FROM THE BATHROOM WALL -------------

Incontinence Hotline...Can you hold, please?

--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------

A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the
bar and asks for a beer. "Certainly, sir, that'll be
one cent."  "ONE CENT!" exclaims the guy. The barman
replies, "Yes."

So the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks,
"Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with chips,
peas, and a fried egg?"

  "Certainly, sir," replies the bartender, "but all
that comes to real money." "How much money?" inquires
the guy. "Four cents", he replies.

"FOUR cents!" exclaims the guy. "Where's the guy who
owns this place?"

The barman replies, "Upstairs with my wife." The guy
says, "What's he doing with your wife?"

The bartender replies, "Same as I'm doing to his business."

--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------

Pee soup...
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---------------NON SMOKING SECTION-------------------------

<To comply with recent internet law changes...Purehumour will
now present a daily non-smoking section...this section is fully
smoke-free...I do not smoke while creating it...and you are
requested not to smoke while you read it!  You co-operation
is expected.>

There was a middle-aged couple who had two stunningly
beautiful teen-aged daughters. They decided to try one
last time for the son they always wanted. After months
of trying, the Wife became pregnant and, sure enough,
nine months later delivered a healthy baby boy.

The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new
son. He took one look and was horrified to see the
ugliest child he had ever seen. He went to his wife and
said that there was no way that he could be the father
of that child. Look at the two beautiful daughters I
fathered."  Then he gave her a stern look and asked,
Have you been fooling around on me?"

The wife just smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time."

<End of non-smoking section...please light your tobacco products
once more>
--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------

I See Your Point But
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Why I Don't Go Fishing3
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My Ex Cant Do Math
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I Thought They Had So Much In Common
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Message Pad
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The G Spot
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Bush Had A Sex Change
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My Exs Snide Remarks About My Cooking
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--------------------IT'S NOT PUNNY!------------------------------

A boy was born in Los Angeles without eyelids. When they did
his circumcision, they used the foreskin to fashion new eyelids.
The operation was a success, but he will always be cock-eyed.

------------------------TIMEKILLER-------------------------------

The Shell Game
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Topic Tangle
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------

An old man and his wife have gone to bed.  After
lying there a few minutes the old man farts and
says, "Seven Points."

His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world
was that?"

The old man replied, "It's called 'fart football.'"

A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says,
"Touchdown.  Tie score."

After about five minutes the old man farts again
and says, "Touchdown.  I'm up, 14 to 7."

Not to be out done the wife rips another one and says,
"Touchdown.  Tie score."  Five seconds go by and she
lets out a squeaker and says, "Field goal.  I lead,
17 to 14."

Now the pressure's on and the old man refuses to get
beat by a woman, so he strains real hard but to no
avail.  Realizing that defeat is near he gives it
everything he has, but instead of farting he poops
the bed.

The wife shrieks and yells, "What the heck was that?"

The old man replied, "Half-time.  Switch sides."

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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------

Two guys are talking about their boss's upcoming
wedding. One says, "It's ridiculous, he's rich,
but he's 93 years old, and she's just 26!

What kind of a wedding is that?"

The other says, "Well, we have a name for it in
my family."

"What do you call it?"

"We call it a football wedding."

The first asks, "What's a football wedding?"

The other says, "She's waiting for him to kick off!"

--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------

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-------------------------WEIRD NEWS---------------------------

A Florida woman is suing a radio station after it
aired a prank call to her in which she disclosed
sexual information about herself.

Adrienne Breidigan from Naples is suing WBTT 105.5
and the disc jockey, identified only by his trade
name Bruce Da Moose.

She was told she'd been exposed to a sexually
transmitted disease after the DJ allegedly pretended
to be a doctor.

The Naples Daily News reports the presenter told Ms
Breidigan he treated her ex-boyfriend for the unnamed
disease which she may have picked up.

The 20-year-old is said to be seeking unspecified
monetary damages following the prank which was set up
by a friend of hers.

Ms Breidigan said she cried when told she had been
exposed to what she thought was a potentially life-
threatening disease, which the caller refused to
specify.

The man began asking her questions about her sexual
history. She answered, and it was only when the
questions became graphic that she suspected a hoax.

She said: "They were asking me all kinds of questions
about my sex life, have I done this and have I done
that. Then they said something like was (a particular
sex act) any good, and I said what does that have to
do with anything?"

She says she was then told it was a prank, and
shortly afterward the station aired the conversation.
She claims she was told the station wouldn't air her
name and she didn't give permission.

The newspaper says neither the radio station nor its
owners were available for comment.

Weird News is a daily feature of Purehumour...it contains
a previously published News Report.  If you find an article
that you wish to see here..please send the article, name of
the publication and date to:
<a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">News</a>
IF you like Weird News...subscribe to my weekly ezine of
Weird News Weekly:
<a href=" http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com ">Lists</a>
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------

A rather awkward freshman finally got up the nerve
to ask a pretty junior for a dance at the homecoming.
She gave him the once-over and said, "Sorry, I won't
dance with a child."

"Please forgive me," responded the underclassman. "I
didn't realize you were pregnant."

------------------------TIMEKILLER-------------------------------

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Bunny Strip Poker
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-------------------------QUICK WIT-------------------------------

[||||]     F O R K L I F T    A I R     [||||]

Southwest Airlines announced that it will require its porky passengers
to purchase an additional seat if the standard 18 incher won't
accommodate their south forty.    (LA Daily News)

In other words, it'll now cost extra to cram a wide body into a wide
body.

Copyright  2002 by Bob Mills, all rights reserved.
http://www.topica.com/lists/funnysideup
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------

The staff at a local United Way office realized that
it had never received a donation from the town's most
successful lawyer. The person in charge of
contributions called him to persuade him to contribute
and said, "Our research shows that out of a yearly
income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to
charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community
in some way?"

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied,
"First, did your research also show that my mother is
dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that
are several times her annual income?"

Embarrassed, the United Way representative mumbled,
"Um... No."

"Or," the lawyer continued, "that my brother, a disabled
veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"

The stricken United Way representative began to  stammer
out an apology but was interrupted when the lawyer added,
"Or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident?"
the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "Leaving her
penniless with three children?"

The humiliated United Way representative, completely beaten,
said simply, "I had no idea..." On a roll, the lawyer cut
him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them,
why should I give any to you?"

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--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------

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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------

A third grade teacher asked her students to use the
word "fascinate" in a sentence. Molly said. "My family
went to the New York City Zoo and we saw all the animals.
It was fascinating."

The teacher said,  "That was good, but I wanted you to
use the word "fascinate".

Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to the
Statue of Liberty and I was "fascinated". The teacher
said, "well, that was good, Sally, but I want the word
'fascinate.'"

Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated
because Little Johnny was noted for his bad language.
She finally decided there was no way he could damage
the word 'fascinate,' so she called on him. Little
Johnny said, " My sister has a sweater with ten
buttons, but her tits are so fucking big, she can only
fasten eight."

------------------------TIMEKILLER-------------------------------

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---------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------

Two trucks loaded with a thousand copies of Roget's
Thesaurus collided as they left a New York publishing
house last Thursday, according to the Associated Press.

Witnesses were stunned, startled, aghast, taken aback,
stupefied...

--------------------------EDITORIAL--------------------------------

=========================
THE HUMOR OF MELVIN DURAI
=========================

"THE BABY ARRIVES AND MOTHER SURVIVES"

Until my wife's pregnancy, I knew so little about
childbirth. When I heard an expectant woman talk about her
"water breaking," I asked if she had considered using a
water softener. She asked if I had considered using a
psychiatrist.

Thankfully, I educated myself by taking childbirth classes
and subscribing to informative magazines such as "Baby
Talk," "American Baby," and "California Babes." I learned
why pregnant women shouldn't drink or smoke, why babies need
to be burped after meals, and why so many people are moving
to California. I also learned the meaning of some important
pregnancy-related terms. For example:

---Conception: When a man gets a woman pregnant and then
wonders how it could have possibly happened, the woman is
forced to shake her head and say, "You have no conception
whatsoever, do you?"

---Ultrasound: A term used by doctors to describe the
high-pitched sounds a woman makes in labor.

---Contraction: This is what happens to your bank account
after your baby is born.

---Labor and Delivery: These terms refer to the final stages
of a pregnancy from a man's perspective. From a woman's
perspective, they're called Torture and Recovery.

---Labor Strike: This occurs when a woman in the throes of
labor decides to strike her husband for getting her
pregnant.

All this knowledge didn't help me much on D-day (delivery
day, June 1, 2002). My wife, Malathi, began feeling
contractions around 1 a.m. and we went to the hospital at 7
a.m. I didn't want her to wait any longer, though ESPN was
still televising a World Cup game. How could I think about
soccer at a time like that? (Germany was ahead 6-0.)

I expected Malathi to be in pain, but I didn't think it
would be so excruciating that I'd feel both admiration and
gratitude; admiration for all women who had endured labor,
and gratitude that Malathi was going through it all without
striking me.

I tried to keep a safe distance, but Malathi asked me to
massage her back to help relieve the pain -- and I couldn't
find a nine-foot pole. You'd think the hospital would stock
a few of those. They had everything else to make a man
comfortable: a recliner, a television, a remote control.

Don't get me wrong. I was happy to help Malathi. Hearing her
scream, I felt guilty that I had gotten off easy. I felt
like the accomplice in a Singapore robbery who's sentenced
to 40 hours of community service, while his partner gets
40 lashes.

After several hours of intense pain, my wife found relief in
painkillers, including an epidural. But the pain hadn't been
"killed" -- it had just been sent to the cafeteria like an
annoying husband, only to return later with more energy.

The labor lasted all day and almost all night. Around 7
p.m., the doctor examined my wife and determined that she
was ready to deliver. (I could have told him that.)

Malathi pushed and pushed for two hours, but the baby
wouldn't budge. The doctor decided to perform a caesarean
section. Less than an hour later, he reached into Malathi's
uterus and pulled out a baby -- a beautiful crying baby
girl.

It was the most exciting day of my life, even more exciting
than the day I got a big-screen TV.

Welcome to the world, Lekha Anjali Durai. Your mother went
through a lot to produce you. Your father ... well, at least
he didn't faint.


----------------------------------------------------------
(c) Copyright 2002 Melvin Durai. All Rights Reserved.

Melvin Durai is an Indiana-based writer and
humorist. A native of India, he grew up in Zambia
and moved to the U.S. in the early 1980s. Read his
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