<--------- http://www.paulsfunhouse.com --------->
                                     and
<----------The Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour ---------->
                                   presents

<---------------------PHWeekly Joke Ezine!--------------------->
<-------The Little Sister Of Purehumour Joke Ezine------>

PHWeekly (aka Purehumour Weekly) is now residing at the
home of Paul's Fun House (http://www.paulsfunhouse.com)
PHWeekly features the BEST Adult humour on the net...in
the unlikely event that you no long wish to be a subscriber...
please see the bottom of this mailing to unsubscribe.
*please note...all replies to this ezine are discarded without
being read...for contact info...please see the bottom of this
mailing also.

Oh man...what is the world coming to?  Seems that good old
Dick Cheney is taking the reins for a few hours as Bush under-
goes some medical tests....think about this people...you have
a guy with a major heart condition in control of the most power-
ful weapons in the world....oh joy!

Starting next week a brand new feature will be added to Purehumour
and PHWeekly....but you have to stay tuned to find out what!  ;)
And coming soon...your chance to win a personally autographed
copy of a brand new book that is in the final stages of publication...
once again...stay tuned for more details in the weeks to come!

Today's issue includes contributions by: SunAmy, Pat, Cathy,
Stan, Wayne, Rubin, Ken, Gary.

If you want to see your name here...send your jokes to:
<a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">Jokes</a>

-------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------
Lets start with a quickie:

How do you circumcise a whale?

You send down four-skin divers.

--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------

Getting Drained...
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.1034 ">Click Here </a>
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Too good a job...
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.1033 ">Click Here </a>
http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.1033

------------------------SPONSOR---------------------------------
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------

A little girl was asked what she wanted most for her birthday and she
declared: "A baby brother."

"Daddy and I would like to give you a baby brother," said her mom, "but
there isn't time before your birthday."

"Why don't you do like they do down at Daddy's factory when they want
something in a hurry?"

"Put more men on the job."

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------------------------GUS COOKS!------------------------------

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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------

My neighbor found out her dog, a brown schnazer,
could hardly hear so she took it to the veterinarian.
He found the problem was hair in its ears and
cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine. The
vet told the lady if she wanted to keep this from
re-occurring she should go to the store and get
some "Nair" hair remover and rub in the schnauzer's
ears once a month.

The lady goes to the drug store and gets some "Nair"
hair remover.

At the register the druggist tells her "If you're going
to use this under your arms don't use deodorant for a
few days."

The lady says "I'm not using it under my arms."

The druggist says "If you're using it on your legs don't
shave for a couple of days."

The lady says "I'm not using it on my legs either and if
you must know

I'm using it on my schnauzer."

The druggist says "OK, but stay off your bicycle for at
least a week."

----------------------PUREHUMOUR POLL--------------------

How fast can you make it?

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-----------------------QUICK QUOTE----------------------------

I love Mickey Mouse more than any
woman I have ever known.
-Walt Disney

--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------

Poor Pay...
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Wise kid...
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------

Actual Excuses
Written By Kool Parents . . .

1. Dear School: Please excuse John from being absent
    on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.
2. Please excuse Johnnie for being. It was his father's
    fault.
3. Chris will not be in school because he has an acre
    in his side.
4. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken
    off his face.
5. Excuse Gloria. She has been under the doctor.
6. Lillie was absent from school yesterday because she
    had a going over.
7. My son is under the doctor's care and should not take
    fizical ed. Please execute him.
8. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing
    football. He was hit in the growing part.
9. Please excuse Joyce from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday
    she fell off a tree and misplaced her hip.
10. Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose
     vowels.
11. Maryann was absent Dec. 11-16, because she had a fever,
     sore throat, headache, and upset stomach. Her sister was
     also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low-grade
     fever. There must be the flu going around, her father even
     got hot last night.
12. Please excuse Blanche from jim today. She is administrating.
13. George was absent yesterday because he had a stomach.
14. Ralph was absent yesterday because he had a sore trout.
15. Please excuse Lupe. She is having problems with her ovals.
16. Please excuse Sara for being absent. She was sick and I
     had her shot.

-------------------------A DOG'S WORLD------------------------

A Dog's World is a continuing story that will appear in each
issue...miss a segment?...then check out the archives at:
http://www.escribe.com/humor/pj

Sam, not knowing what else to do, began hum. Not any
song in particular, just began humming in attempt to
break the silence. Less than a minute later another
dog joined in. To lone hums coming from underneath
the pile of broken wood and glass. Before they knew
it all six dogs were humming and the random sounds
were now a group hum of "Home on the Range."

The dogs went on to hum other songs. Old standards,
TV jingles anything they could think of. No one said
a word, one dog would start and the other would join
in. During the songs the dogs began to giggle. The
giggles were contagious and soon came eruptions of
loud laughter.

After laughing their way through "Brown Eyed Girl"
one dog began humming "Amazing Grace." The laughter
stopped as the other dogs hummed along. Sam hummed
and tears began to well up in his eyes. He still didn't
know what had happened outside but this song confirmed
for him that the other dogs also though like he did;
the world had indeed come to an end.

Copyright 2001-02 D. Scott
Check out more at: http://www.humorcorner.com
--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------

I Always Tell My Husband I Love Him
<a href=" http://www.buffalosjokes.com/at/24.htm ">Click</a>
http://www.buffalosjokes.com/at/24.htm

Advice From Jill
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My Husband Died
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Priceless Beers
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Julia Forgot To Brush Daily
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Can You Explain How This Works
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Out of Work Pornstar
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Men Dont Need Instructions
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Osamanator
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------

A game warden noticed how a particular fellow named Greg
consistently caught more fish than anyone else. Whereas the other
guys would only catch three or four fish a day, Greg would come in
from the lake with a boat full of fish. Stringer after stringer
was packed with freshly caught trout. The warden, curious, asked
Greg his secret. The successful fisherman invited the game warden
to accompany him and observe.

So the next morning, the two met at the dock and took off in Greg's
boat. When they got to the middle of the lake, Greg stopped the
boat, and the warden sat back to see how it was done.

Greg's approach was simple: He took out a stick of dynamite, lit
it, and threw it into the air. The explosion rocked the lake with
such a force that dead fish immediately began to surface. Greg took
out a net and started scooping them up.

Well, you can imagine the reaction of the game warden. When he
recovered from the shock of it all, he began yelling at Greg, "You
can't do this! I'll put you in jail, buddy! You will be paying
every fine there is in the book!"

Greg, meanwhile, set his net down and took out another stick of
dynamite. He lit it and tossed it in the lap of the game warden
with these words: "Are you going to sit there all day complaining,
or are you going to fish?"

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------------------------STRANGE BREED!-------------------------

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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------

My long-passed grandfather's birthday is coming up, and for me it
is a time to reminisce.

The long walks we used to take. The long drives. The special trips
he would make to pick me up so I could spend weekends with him -- and
the advice he used to give! Much was wasted because I was young when
he died. If he were alive today and sharing his gems of wisdom I'd
be a better man.

Those gems were well and good, but the one I remember most, the jewel
in the crown of grandfatherly advice, came when he paused, looked me
in the eye and said, "Don't marry a woman with big hands. It makes
your dick look smaller."

--------------FROM THE BATHROOM WALL -------------

I was so poor that if I didn't wake up with a hard-on on Christmas
morning I'd have had nothing to play with

--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------

Limericks anyone?

There once was a nasty old ho
Who opened up a bakery sto
You might not find it funny
But she saved lots of money
Because she had her own yeast for the dough.

A Young Lady once begat
Triplets named,Nat, Pat and Tat
It was fun in the breeding
But hell in the feeding
For there was no tit for Tat

There once was a man from Rangoon
Whose farts could be heard on the Moon
Even Mars could detectum
As they flew from his rectum
With the force of a mighty typhoon.

--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------

Autumn in Brooklyn
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.1030 ">Click Here </a>
http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.1030

A new pet..
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http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.1029

---------------NON SMOKING SECTION-------------------------

<To comply with recent internet law changes...Purehumour will
now present a daily non-smoking section...this section is fully
smoke-free...I do not smoke while creating it...and you are
requested not to smoke while you read it!  You co-operation
is expected.>

Wendy and Anni went out one weekend without their
husbands. As they came back, right before dawn,
both of them drunk, they felt the urge to pee.
They noticed the only place to stop was a cemetery.
Scared and drunk, they stopped and decided to go
there anyway.

Wendy didn't have anything to clean herself with,
so she took off her panties and used them to clean
herself and discarded them.

Anni not finding anything either, thought "I'm not
getting rid of my panties..." so she used the ribbon
of a flower wreath to clean herself.

The morning after, James and Sam, their husbands, were
talking to each other on the phone, James says to Sam
"We have to be on the look-out, it seems that Wendy and
Anni up to no good last night, Wendy came home without
her panties..."

Sam responded: "You're lucky, Anni came home with a card
stuck to her ass that read, "We will never forget you".

<End of non-smoking section...please light your tobacco products
once more>

--------------------IT'S NOT PUNNY!------------------------------

Sheila was having trouble with a particularly stubborn varicose vein. A
friend suggested Dr. Benson. Just in time, Sheila discovered that this
vein had the ability to forecast the weather. When it felt cold, the
weather would be cold; when it was warm, the weather would be warm, etc.
She decided not to have the problem solved becasue she had become so
dependent upon her weather vein.

------------------------TIMEKILLER-------------------------------

Osama License Plate
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Bin Ladens Acts Are Unforgiveable
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Is That True Love
<a href=" http://www.footlonghotdog.net/truelove.htm ">Click</a>
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Anytime Is A Good Time
<a href=" http://www.aikenslaughs.com/1/30.html ">Click</a>
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Lots of Words To Describe Men
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Useless Man
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The Way You Make Love Is Criminal
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Crazy Sounds Machine
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Whack A Groundhog
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------

This guy is really into blow up dolls and rings his mail order
supplier and says he wants something absolutely realistic.

The supplier says, "I have just the thing, 'Life-like Tina', so
realistic you can't tell the difference!"

The guy orders one. Meanwhile the supplier is looking at the box and
cannot believe how realistic 'Life-like Tina' looks, so he decides to
blow it up. Once inflated, he gets really turned on and thinks, "What
the hell!" and has sex with the doll.

Washing it afterwards, he neatly packages it and sends it out to
the guy.

A month later the guy calls up, "You know that 'Life-like Tina' blow
up doll you sent me? I cannot tell you how happy I am."

Supplier, "That's great!"

Guy, "Yeah, it's a totally believable experience."

Supplier, "Realistic then?"

Guy, "So realistic...I got syphilis."

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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------

<And you thought you had a lousy job!>

Sperm bank worker Mohd. Binatang bin Goncang wins "Worst Job in
Singapore" award.

Wildlife Reserves Singapore (WRS), which runs the Singapore Zoo, has
set up a bank of sperm and animal tissue in order to help preserve
species. The thankless task of collecting the sperm falls to Mr.
Binatang's, starting his rounds at 4 a.m. "We start so early in the
morning because a lot of the animals have 'morning glory' when they
wake up, and it's easier to collect the sperm.

Wearing rubber gloves and carrying a cooler box filled with ice and
Tupperware, Mr. Binatang, 25, told us that he'd just graduated from
Singapore Polytechnic with a diploma in life sciences. He liked nature
and animals, and thought that the Singapore Zoo would be the perfect
place to work.

"I never thought I'd be giving an orangutan a hand job every morning,"
he said somewhat ruefully. "And he is the worst, he expects to be
kissed first."

As we approached the orangutan enclosure, we saw the Zoo's most famous
resident lying casually on his back, hands behind his head and sporting
a huge erection.

Applying the massage oil onto his gloves, he lingered outside the
enclosure before entering and knelt before the orange beast. About 2
minutes' worth of squelching noises could be heard before Mr.
Binatang emerged again.

Next the tiger enclosure, the big cats were sprawled lazily on the
grass verge, in a somewhat half-hearted manner as he put on a fresh
set of gloves and entered the enclosure. "Here, kitty, kitty,kitty..."
Moments later, he emerged with several Tupperware full of viscous
fluid.

"Isn't it dangerous?" we asked. Mr. Binatang was silent for a while.
"They know I'm not there as an enemy," he finally said, a glazed,
faraway look in his eyes. Worked his way round the zoo, finished his
rounds at 3 pm in the afternoon.

Carrying out his duties with the tapirs, the rhinoceros, giraffe and
the gorillas, amongst others. "Each animal is different," he said,
removing his gloves, now speckled with traces of polar bear spunk.
"The chimpanzees always want to be hugged afterwards. The elephant is
the most tricky because of the size of its thing... sometimes I have
to use both my arms to tug on it."

"As you can expect it's really affecting my sex life. I can't help it.
Each time my wife initiates sex these ejaculating hippos keep floating
through my mind." How long will he stay difficult to know but deputy
assistant director Lai Jee Seow thinks it is important to continue.

"It's because the animals have gotten too used to Binatang coming over
every morning to pull them off," said, "Many of them now can't be
bothered to engage in real sex."

--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------

Jogging is bad..
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.1028 ">Click Here </a>
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Pregnant pics...
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-------------------------WEIRD NEWS---------------------------

A Georgia teenager is tackling his state's fornication
law after he was fined for having sex with his girlfriend.

The two 16-year-olds were caught having sex by the girl's
mother.

They were old enough to have sex but were found guilty at
Fayette Juvenile Court because they're not married.

The girl was sent to boot camp. Her probation officer
pressed charges after hearing about the incident.

The boy's lawyer and the American Civil Liberties Union
are appealing in the Georgia Supreme Court.

The Atlanta Journal-Constitution says the girl had
previous problems with the law.

The boy's lawyer Catherine Sanderson said: "Unless you're
married, you have to be celibate under the law. The state
has no business making that law or enforcing it."

Reports don't say how much the boy was fined.

Weird News is a daily feature of Purehumour...it contains
a previously published News Report.  If you find an article
that you wish to see here..please send the article, name of
the publication and date to:
<a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">News</a>
IF you like Weird News...subscribe to my weekly ezine of
Weird News Weekly:
<a href=" http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com ">Lists</a>
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------

Thor (The Greek God of War) was bored one day and was just sitting around
watching the human race. He soon noticed that people spent a lot of time and
energy engaging in sex. He concluded that therefore, sex must be really
enjoyable.

He decided he would go down to Earth and find out what this sex thing was all
about.

He found a nice little lady, took her to a motel, and spent the entire night
with her. It turned out to be the best time he had ever had in his life.

When he awoke in the morning, he felt so good he jumped up, threw his arms up
in victory and shouted, "I'M THOR!".

The little lady, still in bed, responded," You're thore!?! I'm tho thore I
can't even pith!"

-------------------------QUICK WIT-------------------------------

[||||]     T U R N E R    T E R M I N A T E D     [||||]

Israeli officials are miffed at CNN's coverage of Middle East terrorism
and may pull the plug on the cable net.    (AP)

And showing Larry King eating a ham sandwich didn't help, either.

Copyright  2002 by Bob Mills, all rights reserved.
http://www.topica.com/lists/funnysideup
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------

The Irish priest was at the altar one dreary Sunday morning, addressing his
congregation with a vehement sermon that alcohol was the work of the devil.
"As an example," he stated during his sermon, "If you were to lead a donkey
to a bowl of water and a bowl of whiskey, from which would he drink?"

A grizzled old Mick at the back of the church spoke up: "Aye, Father, for
sure he'd drink from the water."

The priest, elated, said, "Very good, my son. And can you tell me WHY he'd
drink from the water?"

The Irishman at the back of the church replied, "Sure I can tell ye' why,
Father. Because he's an ass."

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--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------

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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------

Keli: I tried skydiving this weekend!

Becky: Ohmigod! How was it?

Keli: It reminded me of the first time I had sex.

Becky: What do you mean by that?

Keli: It was awkward; I was nervous; and it was all over in 30
seconds.

---------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------

How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?

Cut the rope.

--------------------------EDITORIAL--------------------------------

Look Ma, No Brain!
by Dave Glardon

Did anyone hear the last thing Robbie Knievel said
before he jumped the Grand Canyon on his motorcycle?
I could have sworn it was, "Dad, I am a professional.
Don't try this at home."

After decades of languishing in relative obscurity,
waiting for a new liver, and watching his son put his
best efforts to shame, Evel Knievel has decided it's
time to get back on a motorcycle and jump something.

I'm not sure why, at 63 years of age, he thinks this
is a good idea.  I guess it's because he's too old to
jump women.  Let's face it, the guy had a reputation.

I remember Evel Knievel in his prime.  I marveled as
he fearlessly jumped nineteen cars in his white
leather suit.  And those slow motion replays of his
spill at Caesar's Palace were awesome.  He had to be
made of steel.

Actually, that's not too far from the truth.  He's got
more metal parts than most new cars, and he's about as
nimble as the Tin Man.

Back then, every boy wanted to be a daredevil.  We'd
find a piece of plywood, prop it on a big rock, and
jump our bicycles across toy cars and younger
siblings. And we're supposed to be the intelligent
species.

He always made the same announcement before every
jump. "Kids, don't try this on your bicycles.  I'm a
professional."  And he was.  By his own account, he's
broken every bone in his body at least once.  There's
nothing amateurish about that.

But after a few years, jumping cars and semis wasn't
that much of a thrill any more, so he got the bright
idea to jump a canyon.  Okay, so he's been dropped on
his head a few times.

As usual, the great daredevil let his mouth run faster
than his brain and promised something he couldn't
possibly do.  He would jump the granddaddy of them
all, the Grand Canyon.  Well, at least part of it.

But the National Park Service wouldn't let him.  They
didn't like the image of a national landmark with
tourists drifting lazily down the river as motorcycles
came falling out of the sky.

So he found another canyon where the owners weren't
quite so particular.  But he still had a problem.  His
motorcycle needed a few modifications, like a rocket
engine, wings, and a parachute.

He hired a retired rocket scientist to design his
infamous X-2 Skycycle.  It was essentially a used
aircraft fuel tank with a pair of handlebars for good
looks.  The idea was to pump it full of steam, shoot
him over the canyon, then deploy a parachute and let
him land on his nose.  It wouldn't be the first time.

It worked almost perfectly.  All except that part
about actually making it across the canyon.  But
that's just a minor detail.  The parachute deployed
before he left the takeoff ramp, the result of a
mechanical failure.  That's the official story,
anyway.

I'm thinking the mechanical problem was the location
of the parachute release handle.  It was situated
right next to the trembling hands of the reluctant
daredevil. You do the math.

After that, he made a few more jumps, took a few more
spills, then faded quietly into the sunset.  There was
no emotional speech, no retirement ceremony, no big
final jump.  He left with no more fanfare than Al
Gore.

Since that time, he's watched son Robbie redefine the
sport of motorcycle jumping.  In 1989, he conquered
the dreaded fountains at Caesar's Palace.  In 1999, he
jumped 130 feet from the roof of one 13-story building
to another.  Later that year, he jumped 225 feet
across the Grand Canyon.

Now it seems the elder Knievel is getting jealous.  So
he's decided to stage a comeback by jumping fifty
wheelchairs at the Geritol factory to raise money for
Alcoholics Anonymous.  Well, something like that.

And all the major networks are jumping at the chance
to air the stunt live.  Or not so live, as the case
may be.  Talk about the ultimate in reality
programming.

I'm not sure if I'll watch the stunt or not.  After
raising two daughters, motorcycle jumping just isn't
that impressive.  Unless he were to line up my
daughters' boyfriends and jump them.

Copyright 2002 Dave Glardon - All rights reserved

--

Dave Glardon is a product of the fifties who came of
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of the nineties. You can visit his Website at
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