<--------- http://www.paulsfunhouse.com --------->
<----------The Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour ---------->

<---------------------PHWeekly Joke Ezine!--------------------->
<-------The Little Sister Of Purehumour Joke Ezine------>

PHWeekly (aka Purehumour Weekly) is now residing at the
home of Paul's Fun House (http://www.paulsfunhouse.com)
PHWeekly features the BEST Adult humour on the net...in
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If you are a reader of the daily Purehumour then you know
that this week I introduced a new feature by the Quiz Queen
... this feature will also run weekly in PHWeekly but will
run separate questions and answers from the daily list...
The answers to this week's questions will appear in the
next issue of PHWeekly.

Today's issue includes contributions by: Pat, Rubin, Bill
Keli, Stan, Carol, Greg, Marsha, Marie, SunAmy.

If you want to see your name here...send your jokes to:
<a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">Jokes</a>

Lets start with a quickie:

"Will I be the first to do this to you ?" whispered the man after his
bride-to-be finally consented to sex.

"What a silly question..." giggled the girl, "I don't even know what
position you want to use yet."

--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------

Who wants to be ... A Teacher?
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.71 ">Click Here </a>

You have the Power....
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.73 ">Click Here </a>

Today's issue is brought to you by:

Rummage through grandma's purse, Break open the kids piggy bank,
Root around between the cushions of the sofa, do whatever it
takes to scrounge up a measly 15 bucks for your very own copy of
That's Comedy! on CD - the new CD that Playboy Magazine, Howard
Stern and Larry King have all said absolutely nothing about.

THIS JUST IN! - OPRAH WINFREY has also said nothing about this CD!

<a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/28.html ">Click<a>


<Stolen from North-Coast Express...soon becoming part of
Paul's Fun House>

A lawyer walks into his client's death row cell and says, "I've got
good news, and bad news for you." The prisoner says, "Okay,
what's the bad news?" The lawyer says, "The bad news is that the
Governor won't issue a stay of your execution!" "Oh that's terrible.
What possibly could be the good news?" The prisoner asks The
lawyer replies, "The good news is that I got Your Voltage Reduced!! "



Why not give us a vote or recommend us to a friend?

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------------------------GUS COOKS!------------------------------

Gus really gets cooking...a new strip each day!
<a href="http://www.guscooks.com/strips.php";>Click</a>


Here is another version of what bra sizes mean...

A - Anything there?
B - Beginning (to get interesting)
C - (worth) Considering
D - Damn good DD - Doubly delicious
E - Enormous
F - Fabulous - FF - Ffff-phew
G - Golly gosh  (or as I might say)
H - Holy Shit)

----------------------PUREHUMOUR POLL--------------------

YOU need to vote on this....it is just too close to call!

Check it out
<a href=" http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/fun/ ">Poll</a>

-----------------------QUICK QUOTE----------------------------

When I was young, I admired clever people. Now that I am old, I admire kind
-Abraham Joshua Heschel

--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------

New research shows...
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.87 ">Click Here </a>

Moses at the Pool.
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.99 ">Click Here </a>


After missing the morning service,  a farmer runs into
the pastor of his church.

"I missed you at service this morning," the pastor says.

"Well, Pastor", the farmer says, "I had some hay to put
up and I figured it was better  to sit on a bale of hay
thinking about God than to sit in church thinking about

-------------------------A DOG'S WORLD------------------------

A Dog's World is a continuing story that will appear in each
issue...miss a segment?...then check out the archives at:

[Will return next issue]

Copyright 2001-02 D. Scott
Check out more at: http://www.humorcorner.com
--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------

Is That Dress Too Low Cut
<a href=" http://www.footlonghotdog.net/lowcut.htm ">Click</a>

Well You Know
<a href=" http://www.aikenslaughs.com/1/33.html ">Click</a>

Difference Between A Golfball and A G Spot
<a href=" http://ugrin.paulsfunhouse.com/ph9.html ">Click</a>

Don't Smoke In My Office
<a href=" http://judysjokes.com/jokes/jj/06010203.html ">Click</a>

Know What I Love Most About You
<a href=" http://ugrin.paulsfunhouse.com/phw4.html ">Click</a>

Let Me Check My Email First
<a href=" http://www.myrddinsnet.com/jah/012.html ">Click</a>

Looking For Mr. Right
<a href=" ">Click</a>

Female Personal Ad
<a href=" http://www.buffalosjokes.com/at/20.htm ">Click</a>

Male Personal Ad
<a href=" http://www.buffalosjokes.com/at/21.htm ">Click</a>

Sharing The Housework
<a href=" http://www.j-j-c.net/housework.htm ">Click</a>

Roadkill Cafe Menu
<a href=" http://www.dailyadultjoke.com/jill/02-06g.html ">Click</a>


The first morning after the honeymoon, Greg
got up early, went down to the kitchen
and brought Keli her breakfast in bed.
Naturally, Keli was delighted.

Then Greg asked: "Have you noticed just what
I have done?"

"Of course, dear. Every single detail!" Keli

"Good. That's how I want my breakfast served
every morning."


Put your brand on everyone's desktop...See You Again software
gives you the ability to get your logo right up in front of
the people you need...bringing them back over and over again
to YOUR site!  Get a jump on the competition...See You Again!
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------------------------STRANGE BREED!-------------------------

If you like funny, wacky, and clean cartoons, then check out
"Strange Breed". It's sure to make you and your whole family

<a href="http://www2.hi.net/s4/strangebreed.htm";>Click</a>


Paddy calls Mike's wife, Mary, and says: "Sure, and I hate to be tellin ya
this Mary, but there's been a terrible, tragic accident down at the

"Saints preserve us," says she, "is my Michael allright?"

Paddy responds, "I'd like to tell ya that was so Mary, but it'd be a lie
sure and certain!"

"Would you be tellin' me that me Mike's been injured?" says Mary.

"Sure, an it's worse than that," says Paddy, "he's fallen inta the beer vat
and drowned himself dead!"

"Mother of God, no!" cried Mary ... then, pausing for a moment she said,
"Oh, well, at least it was quick, ya know he couldn't swim a

"Oh, I wish I could be tellin ya that, truly I do Mary," says Paddy, "but
it'd be another lie ... Ya see, before the fateful moment he climbed  out
three times ta pee!"

--------------FROM THE BATHROOM WALL -------------

I am a silicon based life form from a galaxy far,
far away, visiting your P.C. I have transformed
myself into this email.  As you are reading it,
I am having sex with your eyeballs.

Oh god that feels good!

  -------------------------QUIZ QUEEN------------------------------

Which fact is NOT true of dolphin calves?

A. They are born nose first
B. They are born tail first
C. They can swim and breathe within minutes after birth
D. They keep up with mother by taking advantage of the aerodynamic
effects of the mother's swimming.


Which fact is NOT true about the Canadian province of Alberta?

A. Its name honors Princess Louise Caroline Alberta
B. Supplies most of Canada's petroleum and natural gas
C. Early settlers included Mormons
D. Home to Canada's youngest national park

<Answers in Next Issue!>

 Copyright 2002 Dawggone Communications
Website: http://quizqueen.net

The new high school teacher had been born and raised in the
northern United States but was now teaching in Georgia.

Because she was having difficulty understanding her students'
accents, she said to one teenager, "I do wish you Southerners
would speak English!"

"We do," she replied.

"Well, it's not the King's English," the teacher protested.

"Sure it is," the student said. "Elvis was a Southerner."

--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------

Team work gone wrong...
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.101 ">Click Here </a>

Sit Down.... Relax....
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.115 ">Click Here </a>

---------------NON SMOKING SECTION-------------------------

<To comply with recent internet law changes...Purehumour will
now present a daily non-smoking section...this section is fully
smoke-free...I do not smoke while creating it...and you are
requested not to smoke while you read it!  You co-operation
is expected.>

A gentleman had been trying for years to meet the Pope. Finally,
his wish was granted. When the gentleman approached the Pope
he said, "Your Eminence, I am so happy to be given this chance
to speak with you and I would like to tell you a joke before I start."

The Pope replied, "Of course my son. Go ahead and tell your joke."

The gentleman continued, "There were these two Pollacks and ... "

The Pope interrupted, "My son, do you realize that I am Polish?"

"I'm sorry, your Eminence, I'll speak slower ... "

<End of non-smoking section...please light your tobacco products
once more>

--------------------IT'S NOT PUNNY!------------------------------

Our school cafeteria was having a discipline problem. Some of the older
children while waiting in line to be served were taking snacks from the
plates of the younger children who were already eating. This was solved
by sending anyone taking food from a younger child to the back of the
room where they would have to wait until after everyone else was served
before they could be served. A warning was posted. What did it say?

He who has a taste shall be last


Sweet Old Grandma
<a href=" http://www.myrddinsnet.com/jah/011.html ">Click</a>

He Thought I Was A Nun
<a href=" http://www.buffalosjokes.com/at/23.htm ">Click</a>

Port A Potty
<a href=" http://www.buffalosjokes.com/at/17.htm ">Click</a>

Strong Love
<a href=" http://www.j-j-c.net/stronglove.htm ">Click</a>

PMS Stands For
<a href=" http://www.aikenslaughs.com/1/25.html ">Click</a>

Wishful Thinking
<a href=" http://www.footlonghotdog.net/wishful.htm ">Click</a>

Microsoft Word Options
<a href=" http://www.buffalosjokes.com/at/18.htm ">Click</a>

Hit With A Maple Leaf
<a href=" http://ugrin.paulsfunhouse.com/phw5.html ">Click</a>

Human Whale
<a href=" http://www.aikenslaughs.com/1/31.html ">Click</a>

Zodiac Signs
<a href=" http://humorcorner.com/dmp/zodiac.html ">Click</a>

How About a Nice Glass of...
<a href=" ">Click</a>


Two Texans are talking and one of them was explaining
to the other how the Lord often compensates for a
person's natural deficiencies.

"You see," he said, "If someone is a bit blind he might have
a very good sense of hearing, or if his sense of taste has
gone, he may have a keen sense of smell."

"I agree with you," said the other. "I've always noticed that if
someone has one short leg, the other one is always just that
little bit longer."


Get your condoms here!
<a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/5.html ">Click</a>


Three nuns die and go to heaven where they are met by
St. Peter at the pearly gates. St. Pete says, "Ladies,
you all led such wonderful lives, that I'm granting you
six months to go back to Earth and be anyone you want."

The first nun says, "I want to be Bo Derek," and POOF
she's gone.

The second says, "I want to be Madonna," and POOF she's

The third says, "I want to be Virginia Pepalini."

St Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he says.

"Virginia Pepalini." replies the nun.

St. Peter shakes his head and says, "I'm sorry, that
name just doesn't ring a bell."

The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and
hands it to St. Peter. He reads the paper and starts

He hands it back to her and says, "No Sister, this says
the Virginia Pipeline was laid by 500 men in 7 days!"

--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------

Fairytale mixup...
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.125 ">Click Here </a>

Don't dig there...
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.139 ">Click Here </a>

-------------------------WEIRD NEWS---------------------------

An Ohio judge has ordered a couple caught having sex
on a beach to print an apology in two local papers.

The pair pleaded guilty to public indecency at
Painesville Municipal Court. They were caught having
oral sex.

Judge Michael Cicconetti made the order to Jim Santoro,
33, of Arizona and Judith Reichel, 24, of Cleveland.

He said several people with young children were shocked
when they saw them. They say they were drunk.

The adverts with their names attached will read: "I
apologise for any activities that I engaged in that
were offensive or disrespectful."

Reichel told The Plain Dealer: "I think it is a little
ridiculous but I can sort of see where the judge is
coming from."

The judge said: "The people they have to apologise to
were from all over the area. I felt the ad was the best
way to convey their apologies."

The adverts will appear in two local papers on a Sunday.

Weird News is a daily feature of Purehumour...it contains
a previously published News Report.  If you find an article
that you wish to see here..please send the article, name of
the publication and date to:
<a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">News</a>
IF you like Weird News...subscribe to my weekly ezine of
Weird News Weekly:
<a href=" http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com ">Lists</a>

Let's do Limericks!

There was a young athlete named Grimmon
Who developed a new way of swimmin'.
By a marvelous trick
He would scull with his prick,
Which attracted loud cheers from the women.

A certain sweet girl from Key West
Was uncommonly large in the chest.
Any man's close attention
To her outside dimension
Brought his own measurement to its best.

There once was a grown man named Roy,
Who as a young innocent boy,
Discovered his peter,
And thought it much neater,
Than books or a game or a toy.

-------------------------QUICK WIT-------------------------------

[||||]      N O    E X C H A N G E    [||||]

While attending last week's G-8 economic summit in Calgary, the Bushster
had a high level private meeting with Canadian Prime Minister Jean
Chretien.    (USA Today)

Resisting the PM's entreaties all during dinner, Dub remained steadfast
in his refusal to return Peter Jennings and Michael J. Fox.

Copyright  2002 by Bob Mills, all rights reserved.

The Bishop runs into to the Pope's quarters and says: "Your
Holiness, I have good news and I have bad news!"

Pope: "What's the good news?

Bishop: "Jesus has returned to earth! He's on the phone and
wants to speak with you!"

Pope: "And the bad news?"

Bishop "He's calling from Salt Lake City!"


Get your own interactive DeskMate for FREE
<a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/13.html";>Click Here </a>

Tahni. The world's cutest digital Supermodel!
<a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/14.html "> Click Here </a>

--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------

Surfing at the office.
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.149 ">Click Here </a>

It's tit for TaT...
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.157 ">Click Here </a>


The President was awakened one night by an urgent call from the Pentagon.

"Mr. President," said the four-star general, barely to contain himself,
"there's good news & bad news."

"Oh, no," muttered the President, "Well, let me have the bad news first."

"The bad news, sir, is that we've been invaded by creatures from another

"Gosh, and the good news?"

"The good news, Sir, is that they eat reporters and piss oil."


What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?

A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again!


Can We Write An "Acceptable" Pledge of Allegiance?
By Doug Powers

The courts suddenly decide to care about our constitutional rights, and 
this is where they start?

Many atheists, leftists, rightists, and even more annoying, those with no 
ideology whatsoever who get off on being just plain pesky were busy 
swimming in their own happy this past week after the Ninth Circuit Court of 
Appeals ruled that the Pledge of Allegiance is unconstitutional. The 
ruling, if upheld, would apply to nine states. Ten if you count "shock."

Since the Pledge is an important part of any student's education, I thought 
it might be a good idea to try to come up with a Pledge that is 
satisfactory to everyone. It's a true challenge if there ever was one. As 
of now, Judge Goodwin has issued a stay pending further appeal, so this 
should buy us some time to come up with an alternative in case the ruling 

It's becoming increasingly clear that the courts are hell-bent on keeping 
the church away from the state, so much so that doing it has become a 
religion in and of itself. The state sees to it that it is separate from 
the church, but is ever so careful to keep it close enough so they can 
still smack it on the nose once in a while. With swift legal punches to the 
face and groin of anything that displays the smallest sign of being a 
religion (with the exception of atheism), this new zealous movement of 
"Fistianity" is becoming too big for it's own good. Like a highly 
functioning robot programmed to eliminate anything that displays human 
emotions that one day starts crying, and in the confusion it's head sparks 
and sputters until it finally explodes, hopefully so goes the  courts once 
they realize that they've become everything they loathe- A religion.

How will the atheistic state ensure its continued success in keeping itself 
and the church separate? Easy- By making "the state" so big that any 
movement by a religious organization, even the recitation of something as 
traditional as the Pledge of Allegiance, is an encroachment on that 
mythical "separation" that they love to talk about. They're in our 
restaurants telling us that we can't smoke. They're in our backyards 
telling us that if we want to build a deck we first must complete a 
thousand page environmental impact study describing in painful detail how 
many June bugs will be displaced. Is there now any question that the next 
big encroachment is on religion? Just ask any Branch Davidian- if you can 
find one that's still alive.

To put things into a little perspective however, the "G word" was added to 
the Pledge in 1954. That means that for 178 years, citizens of the United 
States were pretty much a solidly religious people who threw the Brits out 
on their powdered wigs, freed slaves, cured diseases, kicked butt in two 
World War's, learned to fly, and enjoyed six years of "Howdy Doody" before 
the "G word" was even added to the Pledge. We did pretty well without it in 
there. Some could argue that we did better back then with less petty 
bickering and more focused effort.

The Pledge of Allegiance doesn't make this a great country. The freedom to 
recite it, or not to, does. That freedom is slowly and methodically being 
taken away by the terminally annoying who have nothing better to do than be 
offended, and 'drunk with power' judges. The judicial bench is becoming 
nothing more than hell's on-deck circle. Better make sure those robes 
aren't flammable, guys.

Since I go to church about as often as Marlon Brando bellies up to a salad 
bar and my legal experience consists of concocting ways to get out of jury 
duty, maybe I'm not the most qualified person to be discussing this issue. 
That being said, I'd like to put forth some options for the 9th Circuit 
Court of Appeals. I think I'm safe in saying that a majority of Americans 
are incensed at the court's ruling. The court would be wise to put into 
effect a temporary Pledge of Allegiance until this issue is hashed out.

I've put together a website 
(http://my.voyager.net/~comedywriter/allegianceindex.htm/) with some 
samples of generic, non-offensive Pledges, and I encourage you to send in 
your own. With all of us working together, I'm confident that we can find a 
Pledge that won't offend even the pickiest of atheists. In a few days, 
after all the suggestions are in, we'll forward them all to Michael Newdow, 
who brought the lawsuit. If he's cool with it, we can start having kids 
recite it every morning. Then we'll then leave him alone so he can go and 
lead a charge against something else we do that bothers him- breathing.


Doug Powers is a writer of humor who maintains his summer home in
mid-Michigan, and in the winter he moves to the south side of the same house
and deludes himself into thinking that he has a winter home. He is
constantly proofread by his wife and three children. In addition to columns
and stories, Doug writes all kinds of short form humor, topical jokes, etc,
for Laugh.Com and Airborne Entertainment, supplying humor content to
wireless internet subscribers worldwide, except for maybe Calcutta and
Bangladesh. Doug can be reached via his website at www.dougpowers.com or

Your article length submissions are welcome...send your
humourous submissions of between 300 and 500 words to:
<a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">Editorials</a>
Editorial comments expressed here are copyright the writer and
may not be reproduced in whole or in part without the expressed
written consent of the writer and also the editor of Purehumour.
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that could offend you...pure and simple!  If you don't wish to see such
material...then DON'T click them! This is your only warning!






For MORE adult sites:

--------------------IMPORTANT INFORMATION!--------------------
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None of this material is considered copyright...it is
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