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<---------------------PHWeekly Joke Ezine!--------------------->
<-------The Little Sister Of Purehumour Joke Ezine------>

PHWeekly (aka Purehumour Weekly) is now residing at the
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Today marks a new feature for PHWeekly which premiered
in Purehumour this week...."Today in History" will highlight
major world events and birthdays from the last half-century...
see who was born or what happened on your birthday.

Today's issue includes contributions by: SunAmy, Barb, Rubin,
John, D.A. Funk, Ruth, Marina.

If you want to see your name here...send your jokes to:
<a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">Jokes</a>

Lets start with a quickie:

Did you hear the joke about the football game
with the 0-0 score?

Never mind - it was pointless.

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Secrets To Happy Marriage

1. It is important to find a woman who cooks and cleans.

2. It is important to find a generous woman who makes a high income.

3. It is important to find a woman who likes to have wild sex.

4. It is very, very important that these three women never meet!



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------------------------GUS COOKS!------------------------------

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----------------------TODAY IN HISTORY-----------------------

If today is your birthday...you share it with:

1950 John Landis director (Twilight Zone)
1950 Waldemar Cierpinski German DR, marathoner (Olympic-gold-1976, 80)
1951 Marcel Dionne Quebec, NHL center (LA Kings, NY Rangers)
1952 Jay North North Hollywood Calif, actor (Dennis the Menace, Maya)
1953 Ian Bairnson Shetland Isles Scotland, guitarist (Alan Parsons Project, 
1954 Denise Craig WBL forward (Dayton Rockettes, NY Stars)
1956 Kirk Brandon rocker (Theatre of Hate, Spear of Destiny-Outland)
1959 Victoria Jackson Miami Fla, actress (Casual Sex, SNL)
1960 Tim Mayotte Springfield Mass, tennis player (Olympic-silver-1988)
1962 Tina Lehtola Finland, women's ski jumper (world's record holder)
1963 Carlo Imperato Bronx, actor (Fame)
1963 James Hetfield heavy metal rocker (Metallica-Helpless)
1966 Christine Richters Fullerton Ca, playmate (May, 1986)
1967 John Femia Bkln NY, actor (Square Pegs, Hello Larry)
1974 Jenny Beck actress (Claire Carroll-Guns & Paradise)

.....and on this day in history:

1952 15th Olympic games close in Helsinki Finland
1953 Frank Blair becomes news anchor of the Today Show
1954 1st VTOL (Vertical Take-off & Land) flown
1955 Automobile Association of America ends support of auto racing
1955 Hurricane Connie begins pounding US for 11 days
1956 Willie Williams of the US sets 100 meter record at 10.1
1958 USS Nautilus begins 1st crossing of Arctic Ocean under icecap
1959 AL beats NL 5-3 in 27th All Star Game (Dodger Stadium)
1960 Niger gains independence from France
1962 NY Met Frank Thomas hits his 6th HR in 3 games
1963 Allan Sherman releases "Hello Mudda, Hello Fadda"
1963 Beatles final performance at the Cavern Club in Liverpool
1963 Great Train Robbery-$2.5 M ($3.25 M) robbed
1969 Reds beats Phillies 19-17
1970 4 day NFL strike ends
1970 Hurricane "Celia" becomes most expensive Gulf storm in history
1970 Mairiam Hargrave of Yorkshire, passes her driving test on 40th try
1971 Paul McCartney announces the formation of his group Wings
1973 Flash fire kills 51 at amusement park. (Isle of Man, UK)
1974 Guitarist Jeff Baxter quits Steely Dan & joins Doobie Brothers
1975 500 drown when 2 river boats collide & sink in China's West River
1975 Louisiana Superdome is dedicated
1977 Radio Shack issues a press release introducing the TRS-80 computer 25 
existed, within weeks thousands were ordered
1979 Fastest jai-alai shot (188 mph), Jose Arieto at Newport Jai Alai, RI
1980 Duke Snider & Al Kaline enter baseball's Hall of Fame
1981 Air Traffic Controllers (PATCO) begin their strike
1982 Clyde King replaces Gene Michaels as Yankee manager
1983 John Sain of South Bend, Ind builds 3.91 m house of cards
1984 365.7 million shares traded in NY Stock Exchange
1985 "Nihilator" set harness pacing mile (1:49.6) in East Rutherford, NJ
1987 Chicago Bears beat Dallas Cowboys 17-6 in London, England (NFL expo)
1987 Discovery in Orbital Processing Facility is powered up for STS-26
1988 Skip Storch swims 246 km of Hudson River from Albany to NYC
1989 5th jockey to win 6,000 races (Jorge Valesquez)
1989 Lawrence Delisle drives his 4 kids into river
1989 Rickey Henderson sets AL mark of 50 steals in 9 seasons
1989 Cincinnati Reds send record 20 men to bat with a record 16 hits in 1 
inning as they score 14 runs in the 1st inning
1990 NY Yankee Kevin Mass sets record with 10th HR in 1st 72 at bats
1990 Radio Kuwait goes off the air, due to the Iraqi invasion
1990 US announces commitment of Naval forces to Gulf regions
1990 For the 3rd time in 1990 a no-hitter is broken up with 2 outs in the 
8th inning. Doug Drabek of Pitts still beats Phila 11-0
1991 Pan Am games open in Havana

2002 http://www.scopesys.com/today/

Gordon and Tony - a married-without-benefit-of-clergy
homosexual couple -- have been spending a quiet evening at home.

"Hey Tony," Gordon called out, "has the paper boy come yet?"

"Not yet," replied Tony, "but he's getting a glassy look in his eyes!"

----------------------PUREHUMOUR POLL--------------------

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-----------------------QUICK QUOTE----------------------------

A man comes to believe in the end the lies he tells about
himself to himself
-Bernard Shaw

--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------

Drive thru robbery...
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A vet Doc..
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A fourth-grade teacher was giving her pupils a lesson in
logic. "Here is the situation," she said. "A man is standing
up in a boat in the middle of a river, fishing. He loses his
balance, falls in, and begins splashing and yelling for
help. His wife hears the commotion, knows he can't swim, and
runs down to the bank. Why do you think she ran to the

A girl raised her hand and asked, "To draw out all his

-------------------------A DOG'S WORLD------------------------

A Dog's World is a continuing story that will appear in each
issue...miss a segment?...then check out the archives at:

<There seems to have been some confusion with A Dog's
World over the last couple of weeks...a small section was
repeated...I am continuing the story where it last left off!>

The dogs went on to hum other songs. Old standards, TV
jingles anything they could think of. No one said a word,
one dog would start and the other would join in. During
the songs the dogs began to giggle. The giggles were
contagious and soon came eruptions of loud laughter.

After laughing their way through "Brown Eyed Girl" one
dog began humming "Amazing Grace." The laughter stopped
as the other dogs hummed along. Sam hummed and tears
began to well up in his eyes. He still didn't know what
had happened outside but this song confirmed for him that
the other dogs also though like he did; the world had
indeed come to an end.

"I can't sit anymore"! Snapped Sam. "It's time we got up
and got out of here."

Copyright 2001-02 D. Scott
Check out more at: http://www.humorcorner.com
--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------

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Difference Between A Golfball and A G Spot
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Don't Smoke In My Office
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A youth walks into the kitchen where his mom is fixing dinner.
"Mom, I got a splinter in my finger.  Can I have a glass of cider?"

"Are you sure you don't want me to pull it out?"

"No thanks, just the cider."

So she gives him the cider and watches him trot contentedly off.

About fifteen minutes later the boy returns to the kitchen and again asks
his mother for a glass of cider.  His mother, not wanting to question his
reasoning, gives him another glass and again watches him leave happy.

Ten minutes later the boy returns once again and asks for a glass of cider.
The mother complies with her son's wishes again, but her curiosity has been
piqued to the point where she can't resist knowing why any longer.  So she
wanders into the family room and sees her son sitting in front of the TV
with his finger in the glass.

"Why on earth do you have your finger in that glass?" she asks.

"Well, Mom, I heard Sis on the phone say that whenever she has a prick in
her hand, she can't wait to get it in cider."


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------------------------STRANGE BREED!-------------------------

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My husband, Michael, and I were at a restaurant with his
boss, a rather stern older man. When Michael began a tale,
which I was sure he had told before, I gave him a kick under
the table. There was no response, so I gave him another poke.
Still the story went on. Suddenly he stopped, grinned and
said, "Oh, but I've told you this one before, haven't I?"

We all chuckled and changed the subject. Later, on the dance
floor, I asked my husband why it had taken him so long to get
my message.

"What do you mean?" he replied. "I cut the story off as soon
as you kicked me."

"But I kicked you twice and it still took you awhile to

Suddenly we realized what had happened. Sheepishly we
returned to our table. The boss smiled and said, "Don't
worry. After the second one I figured it wasn't for me, so I
passed it along!"

--------------FROM THE BATHROOM WALL -------------

Jack was nimble Jack was quick.
But Jill preferred the candlestick!

  -------------------------QUIZ QUEEN------------------------------

Which event was NOT an important factor in England and France's
struggle for dominion over Canada?

A. In 1670, first Hudson's Bay Company post opened in Canada
B. In 1760, English capture Montreal during the French and Indian War
C. In 1763, France formally surrenders its Canadian lands
D. In 1850, British soldiers stationed in Canada devise modern ice


Which cartoon bird debuted in "Walky Talky Hawky" in 1946?

A. Roadrunner
B. Daffy Duck
C. Foghorn Leghorn
D. Tweety

<Answers in Next Issue!>

Last Issue's Answers:

Jacques Cartier claimed Canada for France in 1534, but it was not
until 1604 that the first colonists settled where?

C. Nova Scotia


How much do you think a newborn walrus can weigh?

B. 140 pounds

 Copyright 2002 Dawggone Communications
Website: http://quizqueen.net

A man went to the doctor complaining of insomnia. The doctor gave him a
thorough examination, found absolutely nothing physically wrong with
him, and then told him,

"Listen, if you ever expect to cure your insomnia, you just have to stop
taking your troubles to bed with you."

"I know" said the man, "but I can't.  My wife refuses to sleep alone."

--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------

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Tree Doc...
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---------------NON SMOKING SECTION-------------------------

<To comply with recent internet law changes...Purehumour will
now present a daily non-smoking section...this section is fully
smoke-free...I do not smoke while creating it...and you are
requested not to smoke while you read it!  You co-operation
is expected.>

Little Johnny's kindergarten class had a homework
assignment to find out about something exciting and
relate it to the class the next day. The teacher (for
some silly reason) called Little Johnny up to the front
fo the class first!  Little Johnny walked up to the
blackboard and with a piece of chalk he made a white dot
on the board, then sat back down. Puzzled, the teacher
asked him just what it was.

"It's a period," said little Johnny.

Well, I can see that." she said, "but what is so
exciting about a period?"

"Damned if I know," said little Johnny, "but this
morning my sister was missing one, Dad had a heart
attack, Mom fainted, and the man next door shot himself."

<End of non-smoking section...please light your tobacco products
once more>

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--------------------IT'S NOT PUNNY!------------------------------

The summer band class was just getting under way when a large insect
flew into the room. The sixth-graders, eager to play their shiny new
instruments, tried to ignore the buzzing intruder, but eventually
one student, Tommy, could stand it no more. He rolled up his music
book and swatted the insect, then he stomped on it to ensure its

"Is it a bee?" another student asked.

"Nope," Tommy replied. "Bee flat."


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Looking For Mr. Right
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Paul and Judy were a little down on their luck.  Paul saw a sign
advertising a contest at a local bar.  So he told Judy that he was
going down to the bar tonight and entering that big-dick contest.

"Oh Paul," Judy exclaimed, "I don't want you taking that out in

"But sweet thing," Paul said, "the prize is $1000!"

"I don't care," Judy replied, "I don't want you showing that thing to

So Paul lets the subject drop until the following night when Judy
walked in on him in the bedroom, counting out a thousand dollars.
"Did you go down and enter that big-dick contest last night after
I told you not to?"

"Please forgive me, sweetheart," Paul said.

"You mean you took that thing out for everybody to see?" Judy screamed
with tears welling up in her eyes.

Paul looked at her fondly and says, "Only enough to win."


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A business man packing for a trip glances in his


"Yes, darling?"

"Honey," he says, in mild exasperation, "why do
you persist in putting a condom in my briefcase
every time I go on a trip? You know I only have
eyes for you. I'd never be unfaithful."

"Oh, I know, darling, and I trust you," she
replies sweetly, "It's just that, well you know,
with all those terrible diseases out there, it
would make me feel better to know that if any-
thing did happen, you'd be protected. So please,
darling, take it with you, won't you? For my
peace of mind?"

"Oh, alright, if you put it that way," he
relented, "I'll do it for you. But for safety's
sake, give me more than one!"

--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------

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Frosty's Dead..
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-------------------------WEIRD NEWS---------------------------

A row has broken out in Holland over an alcoholic drink
which is served in sperm-shaped bottles.

Anti-drinking campaigners say it is a marketing gimmick
which wrongly associates sex with alcohol.

The bottles of Popsy contain a vanilla-caramel flavoured
drink and carry the slogan: "I'm coming."

The Dutch Foundation for Alcohol Prevention says the
campaign is perverse and breaks local advertising codes.

He says the codes are there to prevent the link being
drawn between drinking and sexual or social success.

The Foundation's Wim Van Dalen told Twentse Courant
Tubantia: "They've crossed the bounds of decency. Its
absolutely not done to link alcohol to sexuality that

Weird News is a daily feature of Purehumour...it contains
a previously published News Report.  If you find an article
that you wish to see here..please send the article, name of
the publication and date to:
<a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">News</a>
IF you like Weird News...subscribe to my weekly ezine of
Weird News Weekly:
<a href=" http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com ">Lists</a>

Says a teenage girl to her doctor, "You prescribed me birth control pills."

"And how is it going?"

"I think it's ok, but I'd like to have them bigger."

The doctor was surprised, "You mean stronger?"

"No. Bigger, please."

"But why BIGGER?"

"Because they keep falling out."

-------------------------QUICK WIT-------------------------------

[||||]      M E M B E R S    O N L Y     [||||]

LA's Coronet Theater is staging "Puppetry of the Penis:  the Ancient
Australian Art of Genital Origami."    (LA Times)

The male answer to "The Vagina Monologues."

Kind of gives a whole new meaning to the term Standing Room Only,
doesn't it?

<They are also cumming (pun intended) to Winnipeg, Manitoba in
Sept 2002>

Copyright  2002 by Bob Mills, all rights reserved.

A jogger running down a country road is startled as a horse yells
at him, "Hey! Come over here buddy!"

The jogger is stunned but runs over to the fence where the horse
is standing and asks, "Were you talking to me?"

The horse replies, "Sure was. Man, I've got a problem. I won the
Kentucky Derby a few years ago and this stupid farmer bought me.
Now all I do is pull a plow and I'm sick of it. Why don't you run
up to the house and offer him $5,000 to buy me. I'll make you
some money cause I can still run."

The jogger thought to himself, "Boy a talking horse!" Dollar signs
started appearing in his head. So he runs to the house to where
the old farmer is sitting on the porch. The jogger yells to the
farmer, "Hey old man, I'll give you $5,000 for that broken-down
old nag you've got in the field."

The farmer replies, "Son, this has happened before. You can't
believe anything that darn horse says. He's never even been
to Kentucky."


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--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------

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Sam appears before a judge one day, asking for a
divorce. The judge quietly reviews some papers and
then says, "Please tell me why you are seeking a

"Because," Sam says, "I live in a two-story

The Judge replies, "What kind of a reason is that?
What is the big deal about a two-story house?"

Sam answers, "Well Judge, one story is "I have a headache"
and the other story is "It's that time of the month."


What did the sun-bathing mother say to Michael Jackson
on the beach?

"Get out of my son!"


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Supersized Idiocy: Frivolous Lawsuits Gain Weight
By Doug Powers

By now we've all heard of a litigious burger-bag named Caesar Barber who
has filed a lawsuit against four fast-food restaraunts. Barber claims
that those restaurants served him food that has made his belt size
increase to a degree that now the only thing that's buckling are the
floor boards. Personal responsibility takes yet another holiday, and
this time, it's retired to Barbados for good.

Caesar Barber, who is either named after the man who gave a famous
dictator named Julius a consistently hideous haircut, or, ironically, a
salad, filed a big & tall suit in a New York State Supreme Court on
behalf of an unspecified number of other french-fry disposers. In other
words, Barber was probably the only one of the bunch who didn't feel
stupid admitting that he was in on the attempted shakedown in the
making. This means that he's stupid. It can't be a good sign for your
cause when your spokesperson has to be, by default, the dumbest one.

No problem explaining that in court though, just chalk it up to the
chunks of cholesterol from the bacon double-cheeseburger choking off his
neuro-transmitters, and you've got another item for your lawsuit. "Of
course my client's crazy, your honor. It's because of all the
cheeseburgers and fries sold to him by the murderers who push that stuff
that my client's blood is so thick that it has a viscosity rating."

Obesity kills, which is an unpleasant fact that was first discovered by
Virginia Rapp at one of Fatty Arbuckle's parties, and it's continued on
an accelerated curve ever since. The U.S. surgeon general has said that
obesity is the chief cause of death of an estimated 300,000 Americans
each year and costs $117 billion in health-related costs, including
treatments for heart disease, high blood pressure, and herniated pall

Let's say we give Mr. Barber his way without even going to court. Let's
force McDonald's, Burger King, Wendy's and KFC to close their doors
forever. Aside from driving Brian Dennehy to commit suicide, what would
this accomplish? Would Caesar Barber get healthier and lose a hundred
pounds? I'd be willing to bet that Hot & Now would triple their business
in the following year, then they'd fall victim to a lawsuit as well.

Lawyers and lawmakers are careful to not overdo it and shut down those
businesses that make things that are "bad" for us. After all, it's not
about health, it's about money. Lawyers and the government need these
businesses to flourish if they're going to be able to pay gigantic
settlements. They want cigarette manufacturers, fast food joints, and
other businesses that make things that are "unhealthy" for us to go out
of business about as bad as Jesse Jackson wants to rid the world of

If Barber would just quit eating fast food the several times a week that
he's admitted to doing, he'd save an awful lot of money and wouldn't
even need a frivolous and embarrassing lawsuit to make some cash. Then
he'd have enough to be able to afford to retire to Barbados and meet up
again with his long lost, retired friend, Personal Responsibility.

I've been doing some thinking about trying to get us all to band
together and file a class action lawsuit against people who file
frivolous lawsuits. Sure there may be $117 billion a year in health care
related costs due to obesity, but if cases like this are victorious, how
much a year will we be forced to waste on insurance and other related
cost increases to pay billions a year to Chicken McNugget addicts and
their slimeball attorneys? If we're so concerned about health, how come
nobody seems to care about the mental health of us ordinary Americans
who are forced to witness and endure such inane stupidity?

It's truly sad how many people can look at themselves in the mirror(s)
and see something that they think somebody else should pay for. If they
were really smart, they'd take up smoking. The tobacco money trail is
now well travelled and a proven road to ill-gotten riches, so to speak.
Even though by the time they get their money they'll be dead, they'll be
able to leave the tobacco settlement money to their children, who can
then afford to go out for cheeseburgers.

It's not our fault that Caesar Barber and his fellow suers are
overweight, and it's not the fault of any particular restaraunts,
either. We all have enough problems without being blamed for somebody
else's as well. If these people would open their minds more and their
mouths less, they'd find that their problems would almost seem to solve


Doug Powers is a writer of humor who maintains his summer home in
mid-Michigan, and in the winter he moves to the south side of the same house
and deludes himself into thinking that he has a winter home. He is
constantly proofread by his wife and three children. In addition to columns
and stories, Doug writes all kinds of short form humor, topical jokes, etc,
for Laugh.Com and Airborne Entertainment, supplying humor content to
wireless internet subscribers worldwide, except for maybe Calcutta and
Bangledesh. Doug can be reached via his website at www.dougpowers.com or

Your article length submissions are welcome...send your
humourous submissions of between 300 and 500 words to:
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Editorial comments expressed here are copyright the writer and
may not be reproduced in whole or in part without the expressed
written consent of the writer and also the editor of Purehumour.
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