<--------- http://www.paulsfunhouse.com --------->
<----------The Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour ---------->

<---------------------PHWeekly Joke Ezine!--------------------->
<-------The Little Sister Of Purehumour Joke Ezine------>

PHWeekly (aka Purehumour Weekly) is now residing at the
home of Paul's Fun House (http://www.paulsfunhouse.com)
PHWeekly features the BEST Adult humour on the net...in
the unlikely event that you no long wish to be a subscriber...
please see the bottom of this mailing to unsubscribe.
*please note...all replies to this ezine are discarded without
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Watch for a special edition of PHWeekly to be sent on
Sept 11th.  This is a copy of the special edition of Purehumour
that is being published that date.  This issue is a non-humour
issue and is dedicated to the victims of Sept 11th.  PHWeekly
will NOT be published on Sept 14th as I am taking a week off.

Today's issue includes contributions by: SunAmy, Donna,
Stan, Rubin, Pat, Keli, BarbieJo.

If you want to see your name here...send your jokes to:
<a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">Jokes</a>

Lets start with a quickie:

When is it appropriate to spit in an Italian woman's face?

When her mustache is on fire.

--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------

Baby Buddha
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Too Much Caffeine
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He Says The Nicest Things
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Harley For Men
<a href=" http://www.j-j-c.net/mensharley.htm ">Click</a>

Harley For Women
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The Internet is like a penis

* It can be up or down.  It's more fun when it's up, but it
makes it hard to get any real work done.

* In the long-distant past, its only purpose was to transmit
information considered vital to the survival of the species.
Some people still think that's the only thing it should be used
for, but most folks today use it for fun most of the time.

* It has no conscience and no memory.  Left to its own devices,
it will just do the same damn dumb things it did before.

* It provides a way to interact with other people.  Some
people take this interaction very seriously, others treat
it as a lark.  Sometimes it's hard to tell what kind of
person you're dealing with until it's too late.

* If you don't apply the appropriate protective measures, it
can spread viruses.

* It has no brain of its own.  Instead, it uses yours.  If you
use it too much, you'll find it becomes more and more difficult
to think coherently.

* We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its
actual size and influence warrant.

*  If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get
you in big trouble.

* It has its own agenda.  Somehow, no matter how good your
intentions, it will warp your behavior.  Later you may ask
yourself "why on earth did I do that?"

* Some folks have it, some don't.

* Those who have it would be devastated if it were ever
cut off.  They think that those who don't have it are
somehow inferior.  They think it gives them power.
They are wrong.

* Those who don't have it may agree that it's a nifty toy,
but think it's not worth the fuss that those who do have it
make about it.  Still, many of those who don't have it would
like to try it.

* Once you've started playing with it, it's hard to stop.
Some people would just play with it all day if they didn't
have work to do.



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------------------------GUS COOKS!------------------------------

Gus really gets cooking...a new strip each day!
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----------------------TODAY IN HISTORY-----------------------

If today is your birthday...you share it with:

1942 Garrison Keillor humorist (Praire Home Companion)
1942 Richard Roundtree actor (Shaft, Earthquake)
1948 Susan Blakely Frankfurt Germany, actress (Rich Man Poor Man)
1949 Gloria Gaynor Newark NJ, disco singer (I Will Survive)
1950 Adriano Panatta Rome, tennis star (French 1976, Italian 1976)
1950 Chrissie Hynde Akron Oh, rocker (Pretenders-Mystery Achievement)
1950 Peggy Noonan author (What I Saw at the Revolution)
1951 Julie Kavner LA Calif, actress (Brenda-Rhoda, Tracy Ullman Show)
1953 Linda G Miller actress (Mississippi)
1954 Corbin Bernsen North Hollywood Calif, actor (Arnie Becker-LA Law)
1956 Michael J Feinstein pianist (Isn't It Romantic)
1957 Margot Chapman Hawaii, vocals (Starland Vocal Band-Afternoon Delight)
1957 Melvin Edward Mays one of FBI's most wanted
1960 David Steele rocker (Fine Young Cannibals-Drive Me Crazy)
1968 Kyle Stevens NJ, rock guitarist (Bang Tango-Dancin' on Coals)
1971 Henry Thomas actor (ET)
1985 Tatia Jayne Starkey Ringo's 1st grandchild

.....and on this day in history:

1952 Outfielder Don Grate throws a baseball a record 434'1" (Tenn)
1952 Whitey Ford becomes the 5th pitcher to hurl consecutive 1 hitters
1956 Bell X-2 sets Unofficial manned aircraft altitude record 126,000'+
1963 1st US TV appearance of the Beatles (Big Night Out-ABC)
1963 Pro Football Hall of Fame dedicated in Canton Ohio
1970 Donald Boyles sets record for highest paracute jump from a bridge, by 
leaping off of the 1,053' Royal George Bridge in Colorado
1973 Mike Storen becomes the American Basketball Assn's 4th commissioner
1976 US courts find George Harrison guilty of plagarism (He's So Fine)
1978 1st game of the Boston Massacre, Yanks beat Red Sox 15-3
1979 5 day MUSE concert against nuclear energy opens at MSG, NY
1980 32nd Emmy Awards shown despite boycott
1980 Earnest Gray becomes 2nd NY Giant to score 4 TDs (vs St Louis)
1981 Judge Wapner & the People's Court premier on TV
1983 Drury Gallagher sets fastest swim around Manhattan (6h41m35s)
1986 Desmond Tutu installed to lead south African Anglican Church
1988 Guy Lafleur, Tony Esposito & Brad Park inducted in NHL Hall of Fame
1988 NY Daily News reports boxer Mike Tyson is seeing a psychatrist
1988 Security & Exchange Comm accuses Drexel of violating security laws
1990 Miss America 1991 crowned
1991 Harry Hamlin weds Nicollette Sheridan
1991 Monica Seles wins the US Open
3114 -BC- Presumed origin of Mayan "long count" calendar system

2002 http://www.scopesys.com/today/

Little Johnny's teacher was asking all the kids in the class what
their parents did for a living.

Little Mary got up and said "my Dad is a pilot, and my Mommy is an

Great, said the teacher.

Michael got up and said "my Dad is a Doctor, and my Mom is a

"Good," said the teacher.

Johnny was last in the class and when he got up he said: "My
Mommy, she is a substitute."

Knowing better about his background and always striving to correct
the kids, the teacher said, "you mean she is a Prostitute."

"No," said Johnny, "my Sister, she is the Prostitute, but when she
does not feel well, my Mommy substitutes."

----------------------PUREHUMOUR POLL--------------------

Watch out for spiders!

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-----------------------QUICK QUOTE----------------------------

You know, I really don't think I need buns of steel. I'd be happy with
buns of cinnamon.
-Ellen DeGeneres

--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------

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Morty and Saul, are out one afternoon on a
lake when their boat starts sinking. Saul says to
Morty, "So listen, Morty, you know I don't swim so

Fortunately, Morty remembered how to carry another
swimmer from his lifeguard class when he was just a
kid. So Morty begins tugging Saul toward shore.

  After several minutes, he begins to tire. Finally
about 100 feet from shore, Morty asks Saul, "So Saul,
do you suppose you could float alone?" Saul replies,

"Morty, this is a hell of a time to be asking for

-------------------------A DOG'S WORLD------------------------

A Dog's World is a continuing story that will appear in each
issue...miss a segment?...then check out the archives at:

[Returns Next Issue]

Copyright 2001-02 D. Scott
Check out more at: http://www.humorcorner.com
--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------

Who's The Rhode's Scholar?
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Hare Piece
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Patriotic Babes
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Truthful Scale
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Superman IS Different
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Sam took Anni out on a date for dinner to a
very expensive restaurant to make a good
impression. The waiter approaches the table
and asks to take their order.

Anni begins ordering practically everything
on the menu, shrimp cocktail, pate, Caesar
Salad, lobster, crepes Suzette, with no regard
to the price. Sam is getting very upset, as
he never thought she would order so much.

Anni then stops, and looks across at him, and
asks, "What do you suggest I wash it down

Sam replies, "Well my dear, I can think of
nothing so fitting as the Mississippi River."


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------------------------STRANGE BREED!-------------------------

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Bessie Silver, a tiny but dignified old Jewish lady was among a group
looking at an art exhibition in a newly opened gallery. Suddenly one
contemporary painting caught Bessie's eye.

"What on earth," Bessie inquired of the artist standing nearby, "is that?"

He smiled condescendingly. "That, my dear lady, is supposed
to be a mother and her child."

"Vell, so then," snapped the little old lady, "vhy isn't it...?"

--------------FROM THE BATHROOM WALL -------------

Practice Safe Sex, Go Screw Yourself.

  -------------------------QUIZ QUEEN------------------------------

After riding out a storm, you spot Dutchman's breeches. What are they?

A. Low-hanging dark clouds.
B. A slow-running leak in your boat.
C. Patches of blue sky.
D. White caps.

What is the difference between a kayak and an umiak?

A. A kayak is propelled only by paddle, an umiak uses a motor.
B. A kayak is propelled only by paddle, an umiak uses a sail.
C. A kayak is used on the Atlantic Ocean and an umiak is used on the Pacific.
D. A kayak is piloted by a man and an umiak is piloted by a woman.

<Answers in Next Issue!>

Last Issue's Answers:

What clown type was originally developed in the United States?

B. Hobo or tramp clown


14. What was the first circus clown act?

A. Billy Buttons

 Copyright 2002 Dawggone Communications
Website: http://quizqueen.net

I was getting ready for a garage sale one summer day. Since
it was so hot and humid out, I decided to stay inside my
air-conditioned house and mark the special stickers I had
bought for the sale.

I would stick several of them on my blouse, run outside,
stick them on the appropriate items and rush back inside.
I did this until every item was labeled.

Later that day a UPS man came by the house with a delivery.
I noticed that as I was signing for the package, he was
looking at me strangely.

It was only after he left that I noticed there was one sticker
still attached to the front of my blouse. It read "Make me an

--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------

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Dan's Discount Dicks
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Strip BlackJack With Jane
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---------------NON SMOKING SECTION-------------------------

<To comply with recent internet law changes...Purehumour will
now present a daily non-smoking section...this section is fully
smoke-free...I do not smoke while creating it...and you are
requested not to smoke while you read it!  You co-operation
is expected.>

Back to College Time:

What does the average Texas A&M player get on
his SATs?


How do you get an Oklahoma cheerleader into your
dorm room?

Grease her hips and push.

How do you get a Colorado graduate off your

Pay him for the pizza.

Why do the Texas Tech cheerleaders wear bibs?

To keep the tobacco juice off their uniforms.

Why is the Baylor football team like a possum?

Because they play dead at home and get killed
on the road.

What are the longest three years of a Kansas
State football player's life?

His freshman year.

How many Ole Miss freshmen does it take to
change a light bulb?

None, That's a sophomore course.

Where was O. J. headed in the white Bronco?

Lexington, Kentucky. He knew that the police
would never look there for a Heisman Trophy winner.


(9) Why did Texas choose orange as their team

You can wear it to the game on Saturday, hunting
on Sunday, and picking up trash along the highways
the rest of the week.

<End of non-smoking section...please light your tobacco products
once more>
---------------DUSTING OFF THE ARCHIVES---------------

In an attempt to boost the number of visits to the Purehumour
archives...in each issue I will highlight today's date in the archives
from the past three years...take a look at todays issue in history
to see how Purehumour has evolved and what was funny in the

Friday Sept 7th 2001

<a href=" http://www.escribe.com/humor/pj/m713.html ">Click</a>


Do you love PHWeekly?  Enough to open your wallet a little?
If you wish to donate to support the continue success of this
ezine...please visit the link below...no amount is too small!
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--------------------IT'S NOT PUNNY!------------------------------

There once was a mother whose daughter kept trying to elope with her
intended. Always, however, in the nick of time, the mother caught them.
After about twenty times, the daughter began to get desperate, when by
chance, she happened to read about an animal activist who would paint
bulls in order to camouflage them, then let them escape from their
owners. However, when the daughter called up the activist, he told her,.
"I stain bulls, not constant elopers."


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Play Paintball
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A Scotsman, carrying a huge suitcase, has been riding a London bus
for five miles along its route, all the while attempting to avoid
the ticket collector. Finally, the conductor manages to corner him
and tells him to pay up.

"You've been on for five miles--that'll be 50p, please, and 10p
for your suitcase."

The Scotsman responds, "I ha'not, I want a ha'penny fare, just got
on this vera moment."

They begin to argue, and the ticket collector becomes more and
more enraged, and finally, as the bus is passing over London
bridge, he grabs the Scotsman's suitcase and hurls it out of the
bus. It lands in the river and sinks without a trace.

The Scotsman stands shocked for a moment and says to the ticket
collector, "Not only are ye tryin' to overcharge me for the
ticket--but now ye've gone an' drowned me boy Angus!"


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So one guy says to another guy, " Goldberg and Rosenstern
were talking one day... HOLD IT !, ....his friend interrupts him,

"Always with the Jewish jokes! Give it a rest! Why do they
always have to be about Jews? Just change the names to another
ethnic group for once!"

So he starts again, "Hashimoto and Suzuki were talking one day
at their nephew's  Bar Mitzvah..."

--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------

Big Jugs
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Jizzy Lube
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Kathy Lee
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King Pin Bowling
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-------------------------WEIRD NEWS---------------------------

A man who robbed a bank with his 3-year-old son in tow
was slowed down enough by the boy that he was arrested,
say police in Mississippi.

Police arrested Caleb Laforrest Pete, 41, after the
robbery of a Community Bank branch in Jackson.

Spokesman Robert Graham said Pete brought his son into
the bank and handed the teller a note demanding money.

The man put an undisclosed amount of money in a duffel
bag and ran out, but the boy slowed him down long enough
for him to be seen making his getaway in a waiting cab.

A short time later police stopped the cab, which also
held Pete's wife and their 5-month-old daughter.

The wife has not been charged, Graham said. State human
services workers took the children into custody.

Caleb Pete also is accused of a robbery at the same bank
on August 14 in which he allegedly held up the same teller.

Weird News is a daily feature of Purehumour...it contains
a previously published News Report.  If you find an article
that you wish to see here..please send the article, name of
the publication and date to:
<a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">News</a>
IF you like Weird News...subscribe to my weekly ezine of
Weird News Weekly:
<a href=" http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com ">Lists</a>

MECCA - Officials announced early Saturday that they have received word 
that Heaven is
quickly running short of virgins following a recent string of suicide 
bombings in Israel.
Allah, also known as God, issued a Ultimate Fatwah decreeing that all 
fanatics must cease
blowing themselves up until He can procure more.

"Virgins are easy enough to come by," God said, "but the difficulty lies in 
finding ones
who are willing to become love slaves to ugly-ass mofos for the rest of 
eternity.  They're
all willing at first because there's a lot of prestige that comes with 
being permanently
attached to a martyr, but when I show them a picture of their future owner, 
most of them
politely decline.  I can't force them to do it, either; I'm a benevolent 
God afterall."

The Ruler of All admitted that he wasn't really thinking when he originally 
made a promise
of 70 virgins per martyr.  "The private paradise bit is easy to do since 
we've got so much
real estate up here," the Lord continued, "but I never really foresaw this 
number of
martyrs all at once.  I should have maybe offered 10 per selfless act of 

According to statistics provided by Heaven authorities, there are currently 
openings for love-slave virgins that must be filled before 516 martyrs' 
spirits become too
restless.  There hasn't been such an influx in martyrdom since the 
Crusades.  The problem,
however, is not just with the new arrivals.  Several suicide bombers who 
arrived more than
a year ago have complained that they have not received their full allotment 
of 70 virgins

Mohammed Al-Sharif blew himself at a bus depot 18 months ago, and claims 
that he only has
54 virgins so far.  He says that if he doesn't receive the 16 more virgins 
soon, he will
be forced to blow himself up again in protest.  Al-Sharif's sentiments are 
echoed by many
fellow fanatics who say they have been short-changed to keep up with the 
demand from newer

"They will get their virgins in time," promised the Creator.  "Just because 
they killed
themselves in my name first doesn't make them any more special than anyone 
else."  As for
complaints, the Lord stated that He has occasionally had to dip into the pool
of less-desirables to meet His quota, but no agreement has been broken.
....  "Fat women can be virgins, too, you know."

-------------------------QUICK WIT-------------------------------

[||||]     L A P    O F    L U X U R Y  luxury    [||||]

Clark County NV commissioners have banned physical contact between lap
dancers and customers, especially when the John's slip currency under
the elastic straps of the ladies' G-strings.    (NY Times)

Good thinking.  Leave that behavior to the casino owners and gaming

Copyright  2002 by Bob Mills, all rights reserved.

A woman asks her husband if he'd like some breakfast.
"Would you like bacon and eggs, perhaps?  A slice of
toast and maybe some grapefruit and coffee?" she asks.

He declines.  "It's this Viagra," he says.  "It's
really taken the edge off my appetite."

At lunchtime, she asks if he would like something.
"A bowl of homemade soup, homemade muffins or a
cheese sandwich?" she inquires.

He declines.  "The Viagra," he says, "really trashes
my desire for food.."

Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat.
Would he like maybe a steak and apple pie?  Maybe he'd
like a pizza microwaved or a tasty stir-fry that would
only take a couple of minutes?

He declines.  "Naw, still not hungry."

"Well," she says, "would you mind letting me up?  I'm


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--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------

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---------DUMB CROOK OF THE DAY AWARD---------

Two people left a 15-mile-long- trail of doughnuts after
they took a Krispy Kreme truck from a parking lot and
fled, according to Slidell, Louisiana police.

The truck was parked at a convenience store with its rear
doors open and engine running while a deliveryman carried
doughnuts inside, said Slidell police spokesman Rob

Two suspects hopped in the truck and sped off to the nearby
town of Lacombe, with doughnuts spilling out along the way,
he said.

They abandoned the truck when they were spotted by police
responding to reports of a dangerous driver who was losing
his doughnuts. Passenger Rose Houk, 31, was captured, but
the driver, whose name was not released, ran away.

Houk told police they had been smoking crack cocaine for
several hours before the incident, which occurred Wednesday,
said Callahan.

Their motive for taking the Krispy Kreme truck was unclear.

"I don't know if it was a need for transportation or if they
just had the munchies," he said.


Why did the gay man take two aspirin with his viagra?

So sex wouldn't be such a pain in the ass.


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The Laughing Stalk
by Erik Deckers

Only You Can Prevent Idiocy

Warning: The next time you're going somewhere, before you even get in
your car, call your neighbors and ask if they saw anyone crawl under the
car. Next, get on your hands and knees to see if anyone is under there.
Finally, ask in a loud, clear voice: "Is there anyone laying under my

If there isn't, you may proceed with your journey. If you're not sure,
go back into the house, and wait until you're sure.

This is what the mother of Dustin Bailey expected a tractor-trailer
driver to do. On August 12, 2000, trucker Samuel Stinson drove over and
killed the 22-year-old Bailey, who was laying under the tractor-trailer.
Surprise, surprise, Bailey was intoxicated at the time.

According to a story in the Charleston (West Virginia) Daily Mail,
Stinson was delivering supplies to a Papa John's Pizza restaurant in
Teays Valley, across the street from Rick's Pub, the bar where Bailey
had been drinking.

Bailey left the bar with a 0.19 blood alcohol limit, nearly twice the
legal limit. He then crawled under the parked tractor-trailer, without
being seen by anyone. Bailey was killed when Stinson pulled forward to
drive to the Papa John's parking lot.

So not too surprisingly, Bailey's mother Josephine is suing the former
owner of Rick's Pub, Papa John's corporate owner, Stinson himself, and
the truck's owner, Rollins Transportation, Inc. Also not too
surprisingly, the suit does not say whether Bailey is accountable for
his own death.

She wants $350,000.

Why? Because all of them, with the apparent exception of Dustin Bailey
himself, failed to take steps in preventing her son's death.

Josephine Bailey's thinking is this: Rick's Pub is responsible because
they served Bailey beer and mixed drinks. However, Rick's Pub is out of
business, so she's suing the former owner. She's got to get her pound of
flesh from them somehow, right?

She's going after P.S. Management, Papa John's corporate owner. She says
Papa John's employees forced Stinson to park on the street for a short
time, since their parking lot was full. And because the truck was on a
public street near Rick's Pub, Bailey was able to crawl under it.

I'm guessing that Papa John's is being included, not because they did
anything wrong, but because they have lots and lots of money. That 350
grand has to come from someone because an out-of-business bar, a truck
driver, and a trucking company sure won't have it.

Stinson is being sued because he didn't look under his truck before
pulling into the lot, because he didn't keep his truck away from Rick's
Pub, and because he didn't turn his truck off while it was in the

Three problems: 1) Drivers shouldn't have to check under their truck for
passed-out drunks; 2) how was Stinson supposed to know that Rick's Pub
patrons would hurl themselves under the wheels? 3) he would need to turn
the truck back on to drive it in the first place, so what's the big
deal? Did Bailey think the underside of an idling truck was a warm and
cozy place to sleep?

And, of course, Rollins Trucking is being sued because they own the
truck in question. Since they're a business, it's assumed they must have
some extra cash to dole out to families of idiots.

It's a well-established fact that most warning labels on products were
made because some idiot tried using that product in that fashion, or
that some lawyer was afraid it could happen. A prime example is the
warning on car sun shields, "Do not drive with sun shield in place." So
I can only imagine what a victory for Josephine Bailey and her greedy
lawyer will have on the future of the trucking and restaurant business.

Ernie the Bartender: I'm sorry, Mr. O'Higgins. You've had several beers
and mixed drinks tonight, so I'll have to stop serving you.

Burt O'Higgins: That's alright, I'm just going to go outside and take a

Ernie: Just don't go to sleep under any tractor-trailers. Ha ha!


Earl Alberts: Hello Chicago Style Pizzeria manager Sven Olafsen. I'm
here to make my delivery, but your parking lot was a little full, so I
left my truck on the street. I sure hope no drunks crawl under it.

Olafsen: Gosh, let us clear out the parking lot for you, Mr. Alberts, so
you can deliver your supplies. And remember what Sammy Safety says: Give
a hoot, don't drive over drunks!

Alberts: I sure will! Hey, while you fellas clear the lot, I'll walk to
my truck and start it up.

Sound Effect: footsteps on asphalt

Alberts (to himself): Gosh, that Olafsen fella sure is nice. I think
I'll  listen to a little public radio while I wait for them. Uh-oh, I'd
better not forget what Sammy Safety says. I'll just check under my truck
before I -- what the heck!

Sound Effect: "sproing" surprise sound

Alberts: Hey, mister! What are you doing sleeping under my truck?

O'Higgins (groggily): Jeez, I don't know.

Sound Effect: two pairs of footsteps running toward truck.

Olafsen: Gosh, Mr. Alberts, we heard you shout, so we came a'runnin'!

Ernie: What's going on, Mr. O'Higgins?

O'Higgins: I don't know. I remember leaving Ernie's bar over there, and
I was a little tired. I saw this fella's truck parked in the public
street, so temptingly close to Ernie's parking lot, I was drawn to it
like Jason and the Argonauts were drawn to the Sirens.

Olafsen and Ernie: Jason and the who?

O'Higgins: Anyway, I heard it running, so I figured it must be safe to
sleep under. But I wouldn't have gotten under there if it had been in a
parking lot somewhere. Honest!

Alberts: Well, Mr. Olafsen, I remembered what you said about Sammy
Safety, so I checked under my truck, like I always do. I found this
fella sleeping under it.

O'Higgins: Boy, I sure am glad you remembered to look under there.

Alberts: So am I, young fella. So am I!

Sammy Safety: Hello everyone, I'm Sammy Safety. If only every truck
driver would remember to look under their trucks for passed out drunks,
the world would be a much better place. That's why I always say: Give a
hoot --

All: Don't drive over drunks!

Laughing Stalk Syndicate
Copyright 2002


Erik Deckers is in sales and marketing by day, but at night he dons a cape and
mask and. . . well, he doesn't fight crime so much as he just runs around his
house making kung fu noises. He is shy, and doesn't want people to make fun of
him. At other times, he writes a weekly humor column, which can be found at

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