<--------- http://www.paulsfunhouse.com --------->
                                     and
<----------The Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour ---------->
                                   presents

<---------------------PHWeekly Joke Ezine!--------------------->
<-------The Little Sister Of Purehumour Joke Ezine------>

PHWEEKLY is sent by request ONLY...if you wish to stop
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PHWeekly is back after taking a bit of a break....make sure that you tell
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Pooh-Bah of Humour...and send them to:
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Today's issue includes contributions by: SunAmy, Megan, The Posens,
Stan, Colleen, Marina, D.A. Funk, Marie, Reisha, Kim.


If you want to see your name here...send your jokes to:
<a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">Jokes</a>

-------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------
Lets start with a quickie:

What happens when you cross a pig with a lawyer?

Nothing. There are some things a pig won't do.

--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------

Problems Begin With Men
<a href=" http://www.footlonghotdog.net/premen.htm ">Click</a>
http://www.footlonghotdog.net/premen.htm

Oh Shit
<a href=" http://www.comedyezine.com/sasha8.htm ">Click</a>
http://www.comedyezine.com/sasha8.htm

Would It Upset You If ???
<a href=" http://www.comedyezine.com/sasha9.htm ">Click</a>
http://www.comedyezine.com/sasha9.htm

Reality 2
<a href=" http://www.buffalosjokes.com/at/35.htm ">Click</a>
http://www.buffalosjokes.com/at/35.htm

Bowel Movers
<a href=" http://www.buffalosjokes.com/at/36.htm ">Click</a>
http://www.buffalosjokes.com/at/36.htm

------------------------SPONSOR---------------------------------
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------

<A Classic!>

"Woman chops off sleeping man's penis and drops from moving car!" Don't
laugh, it is true, and it can happen to you!!

Right now thousands of agitated, irate women have read that headline and
are contemplating similar action against you the next time you make an
unwanted sexual advance, look at them the wrong way, or just upset them
in general!!

MEN PROTECT YOURSELVES NOW!!

If you found yourself a victim of CDS (Chop and Drop Syndrome) could you
be sure the appropriate authorities would find your chopped member in
time and intact?? Could you be sure the penis part they found was
yours??

Inquire now about our low-cost PenisProtectionPlan!

Plan 1:  We'll register your penis and scrotum, plus tattoo them with
their own unique registration number, ensuring that in case of
separation, you will get a perfect match every time.

Plan 2:  Our Jurassic prick program. We'll take a cell sample from your
penis and clone replacement parts for you in the event a trailer-tractor
runs over your penis, or some wild animal mistakes your detached member
for a chew toy.

Plan 3:  For those of you who believe in prevention, we offer a one size
fits all, battery-operated, stainless steel jockstrap that can be worn
when necessary. When you are asleep an alarm will be activated when
metal or other hazardous objects come within one foot of the jockstrap.
This will guarantee you a full nights sleep, free of worry.

Don't get caught short...
Call 1-800-SAV-A-DIC today!!!!!

Remember.... the dick you save could be your own!!

* PRICES VARY ACCORDING TO SIZE.

--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------

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------------------------GUS COOKS!------------------------------

Gus really gets cooking...a new strip each day!
<a href="http://www.guscooks.com/strips.php";>Click</a>
http://www.guscooks.com/strips.php

----------------------TODAY IN HISTORY-----------------------

If today is your birthday...you share it with:

1940 Bill Kurtis Pensacola Fla, newscaster (The American Parade)
1942 Ann Elder Cleve Oh, comedienne (Smothers Brothers Show, Laugh-In)
1944 Fannie Flagg Birmingham Ala, actress/comediene (Candid Camera)
1944 Hamilton Jordan political advisor (Crisis, Last Year of Carter Pres)
1947 Stephen King suspense writer (Shining, Kujo)
1948 Artis Gilmore ABA all star (Kentucky Colonels)
1948 Michael Finneran diver (1st perfect 10 on 10m platform)
1950 Bill Murray Evanston Ill, comedian (SNL, What About Bob, Stripes)
1953 John Mengatti NYC, actor (Nick-White Shadow, For Love & Honor)
1955 Richard J Hieb Jamestown ND, astronaut (STS 39, Sk:STS 49)
1959 Corrinne Drewery rocker (Swing Out Sister-Swing Out)
1959 David Coulier Detroit, actor (Joey Gladstone-Full House)
1962 Grant Fuhr Edmonton Alberta, NHL goalie (Oilers)
1968 Ricki Lake actress (Hairspray)
1971 Alfonso Ribeiro NYC, actor/pianist (Alfonso-Silver Spoons)

.....and on this day in history:

1951 Emil Zatopek runs 15,000 m. in record 44 min, 54.6 sec
1953 Allied forces form West Germany
1954 Nuclear submarine "Nautilus" is commissioned
1956 Yanks set dubious record, stranding 20 men on base Mantle hits a 500' 
plus homer but Red Sox win 13-9 in Fenway
1957 "Perry Mason" with Raymond Burr premiers on CBS-TV
1958 1st airplane flight exceeding 1200 hours, lands, Dallas Tx
1961 Antonio Abertondo swims the English Channel round trip (44 miles)
1964 Constellation (US) beats Sovereign (England) in 20th America's Cup
1964 Malta gains independence from Britain
1964 Reds Chico Ruiz steals home, beats Phillies 1-0. Phillies start a 10 
game losing streak that gives the Cards the pennant
1965 O Kommissarova (USSR) sets women's longest paracute jump (46,250')
1966 5" of rain falls on NYC
1969 NY Jet Steve O'Neal punts 98 yards against Denver Broncos
1970 "Monday Night Football" on ABC premiers (Browns beat Jetss 31-21)
1970 Luna 16 leaves the Moon
1970 Oakland A's Vida Blue no-hits Minn Twins, 6-0
1971 AL OKs Washington Senator move to Arlington (Texas Rangers)
1971 John Lennon & Yoko Ono are Dick Cavett's only guest
1972 Marcos declares martial law in the Philippines
1973 Nate Archibald signs 7 yr contract with NBA KC Kings for $450,000
1973 NY Mets go into 1st place (at .500) after trailing 12 games
1974 US Mariner 10 makes 2nd fly-by of Mercury
1976 Wings performs in Zagreb Yugoslavia
1980 LA Ram Johnnie Johnson scores a 99 yard interception
1980 Richard Todd of the Jets completes 42 passes in a game (NFL record)
1981 Belize gains independence from Britain (National Day)
1981 Sandra Day O'Connor becomes 1st female Supreme Court Justice
1981 Steve Carlton strikes out NL record 3,118th (Andre Dawson)
1982 2,251 turn out to see the Expos play the NY Mets at Shea Stadium
1982 Devils beat Rangers 3-2 in exhibition; 1st hockey in Meadowlands (NJ)
1982 NFL players begin a 57 day strike
1982 SF cable cars cease operations for 2 years of repairs
1982 STS-5 vehicle moves to launch pad
1984 NASA launches Galaxy-C
1985 Michael Spinks becomes 1st light heavyweight to defeat the reigning 
heavyweight champion, he defeats Larry Holmes
1986 Miami Dan Marino passes for 6 touchdowns vs NY Jets (51-45)
1986 New Orleans Saints Mel Gray returns kickoff 101 yards for a touchdown
1986 NY Jets beat Miami Dolphins 51-45 in OT; record 884 passing yards
1988 Mike Tyson threatens a TV reporter in NJ
1989 Poland's Sejm (National Assembly) approves prime minister Mazowiecki
1990 Oakland A's Bob Welch becomes the 1st 25 game winner in 10 years
1990 Pirate Bobby Bond is 2nd to hit 30 HRs & steal 50 bases in a season
1990 Faye Vincent turns down White Sox bid to reinstate Minnie Minoso, 68, 
(so he can play in 6 decades) because it is a publicity stunt
1991 Armenia votes on whether to remain in the Soviet Union

2002 http://www.scopesys.com/today/
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------

The Top 10 Things You Shouldn't Say to Your High School
Girlfriend/Boyfriend at the 20 Year Reunion

10> "Boy, have you gotten big.  Where's your twin sister at?
      You didn't eat her, did you?"

9> "Did your mom ever tell you about the night I got your
      room and hers mixed up?"

8> "Whoa!  Someone got implants!"

7> "Trixie, I'd like you to meet my wife, um.... whatshername."

6> "What do you mean, 'We were on a break'?!"

5> "Remember those nude photos I took of you?  I sold them to an
     Internet porn site last year, but I've decided to make amends
     by giving you half the profits."

4> "Oh, by the way, did you turn out to be pregnant or not?
     I forget."

3> "So did the cops ever find that body in buried in your
     back yard?"

2> "You didn't have that many breasts when we were dating!"

1> "After that lame-ass sex I had with *you*, can you really
     blame me for becoming a lesbian?"

----------------------PUREHUMOUR POLL--------------------

What ya think...should they or should they not?

Check it out
<a href=" http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/fun/ ">Poll</a>
http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/fun/

-----------------------QUICK QUOTE----------------------------

"Total absence of humor renders life impossible."
-Colette

--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------

Cheap Pantyhose
<a href=" http://www.aikenslaughs.com/1/40.html ">Click</a>
http://www.aikenslaughs.com/1/40.html

Go Get Yourself A Dam Job
<a href=" http://www.aikenslaughs.com/1/39.html ">Click</a>
http://www.aikenslaughs.com/1/39.html

Bark Street Boys
<a href=" http://www.aikenslaughs.com/1/45.html ">Click</a>
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Honey Let Me Explain
<a href=" http://www.comedyezine.com/sasha5.htm ">Click</a>
http://www.comedyezine.com/sasha5.htm

Another Shaved Pussy
<a href=" http://www.comedyezine.com/sasha6.htm ">Click</a>
http://www.comedyezine.com/sasha6.htm

--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------

Greg, the fisherman, had driven by the lake many times and had seen some
other anglers about, so he decided to give his luck a try.  On his first day
of fishing he had no luck at all but noticed that another fisherman near him
that was scooping in one after another. He had to know The Secret.

"Excuse me sir, but would you mind telling me what sort of bait you are
using?" he asked.

The other man looked around a bit embarrassed.  "Well, I am a surgeon, and
quite by accident I found that a human tonsil works very well."

Greg thanked the man, thought about what sort of bait to try next time, and
left.

The next day, Greg returned to the lake, tried a different bait and still had
no luck. Just as the day before, there was yet a different man reeling in
fish after fish.

"Excuse me," asked Greg, "but could you suggest a bait that I could try?"

"Well, I can but I am not sure it will do you any good.  I am using a bit of
human appendix."

"Hmm," thought Greg.  It seemed that the fish in this lake would require a
little more effort than normal.  He left, willing to give the lake one more
try.

On the third day, Greg still had no luck.  As was usual, there was yet
another man near him bringing in fish left and right.

Greg wanted to confirm what he already knew. "Excuse me sir, but are you a
doctor?"

"No, I am a Rabbi."

-------------------------A DOG'S WORLD------------------------

A Dog's World is a continuing story that will appear in each
issue...miss a segment?...then check out the archives at:
http://www.escribe.com/humor/pj

"We should go back." Said Sam with a tremble in his voice.

"How"? Asked Rex.

"It's OK guys." Mumbled Shep. "I'm so scared I have been
piddling the whole way. We just have to follow my trail."

Back at home base the pack sat in a circle but no one said
a thing. Each seemed like they wanted to speak but no one
knew what to say. They all avoided eye contact with each
other staring at the ground or gazing into the cobalt sky,
except for Sam.

Sam had his eyes transfixed on Rex. He wasn't staring at Rex
but more looking through him. Rex grew more uncomfortable
with Sam's glare and finally snapped, "WHAT? What are looking
at"?

Sam never moved his eyes but began to speak slowly and softly.
"I see something, just over your right shoulder."

Copyright 2001-02 D. Scott
Check out more at: http://www.humorcorner.com
--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------

Full Of It
<a href=" http://www.j-j-c.net/fullofit.htm ">Click</a>
http://www.j-j-c.net/fullofit.htm

How Men Dress Themselves
<a href=" http://www.j-j-c.net/flowsheet.htm ">Click</a>
http://www.j-j-c.net/flowsheet.htm

2 People Short
<a href=" http://www.aikenslaughs.com/1/43.html ">Click</a>
http://www.aikenslaughs.com/1/43.html

Toilet Conversation
<a href=" http://www.aikenslaughs.com/1/42.html ">Click</a>
http://www.aikenslaughs.com/1/42.html

Thought For The Day
<a href=" http://www.aikenslaughs.com/1/44.html ">Click</a>
http://www.aikenslaughs.com/1/44.html

--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------

A couple goes to bed to sleep for the night. In the middle
of the night, the wife wakes up laughing and laughing and
laughing. Her husband groggily asks, "What are you laughing
about?" she tells him that she has just had a dream and she
dreamed that she was at a cock auction. she said, "They had
BIG ones there that were 12 inches long and big around and
they were being auctioned off at $10,000 dollars." She went
on to say that they had some 10 inch long ones that were
slightly smaller in diameter and they were going for around
$8,000 dollars. The husband is excited by now and asks
"Honey were there any at the auction like mine?" She says,
"Why yes, they were over on the souvenir table and they
were selling at 2 for a quarter..." He disgustedly turns
and goes back to sleep.

Well about two nights later, the husband wakes up in the
middle of the night just laughing and laughing and laughing.
The wife asks him, "what in the world are you laughing
about?" He goes on to say that he dreamed he was at a pussy
auction. He said, "They had little tiny ones there that had
no hair at all and they were selling for $50,000 dollars."
He went on to say that they had some with just a little bit
of beginning hair and they were a little larger, but going
for $42,000 dollars. The wife is excited by this time and
asks, "Honey did they have any there like mine?" He said
"Gosh honey, I am sorry, no ... WAIT... they had two. They
were cooling beer in one, and throwing empties in the
other!"

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------------------------STRANGE BREED!-------------------------

If you like funny, wacky, and clean cartoons, then check out
"Strange Breed". It's sure to make you and your whole family
laugh."

<a href="http://www2.hi.net/s4/strangebreed.htm";>Click</a>
http://www2.hi.net/s4/strangebreed.htm

--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------

An elderly couple sat through a porno movie twice.

They didn't get up to leave until the theater was
ready to close for the night.

"You folks must've enjoyed the show," the usher said.

"Disgusting," said the old lady.

"It was revolting," her husband added.

"Then why did you sit through it twice?" the usher asks.

"We had to wait until you turned up the house lights,"
the old lady replied. "We couldn't find my panties,
and his teeth were in them!"

--------------FROM THE BATHROOM WALL -------------

When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's
dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.

  -------------------------QUIZ QUEEN------------------------------

Hispanic Americans share what common trait?

A. They can trace their ancestry to countries in the western hemisphere 
where the Spanish language is spoken
B. They immigrated from Hispaniola
C. They immigrated from Mexico
D. They immigrated from Spain

---

Hispanic Americans are also known as what?

A. Chicanos
B. Latinos
C. Hispanos
D. Latinos and/or hispanos

<Answers in Next Issue!>

Last Issue's Answers:

After riding out a storm, you spot Dutchman's breeches. What are they?

C. Patches of blue sky.

---

What is the difference between a kayak and an umiak?

D. A kayak is piloted by a man and an umiak is piloted by a woman.


 Copyright 2002 Dawggone Communications
Website: http://quizqueen.net
Subscribe: [EMAIL PROTECTED]
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------

A couple just got married and on the night of
their honeymoon before passionate love,
the wife tells the husband, "Please be gentile,
I'm still a virgin."

The husband being shocked, replied, "How's
this possible? You've been married three
times before."

The wife responds, "Well, my first husband
was a gynecologist and all he wanted to do
was look at it. My second husband was a
psychiatrist and all he wanted to do was talk
about it. Finally, my third husband was a stamp
collector and all he wanted to do was...oh,
do I miss him!"

--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------

Bin Brothers
<a href=" http://www.myrddinsnet.com/jah/019.html ">Click</a>
http://www.myrddinsnet.com/jah/019.html

Spice Girls
<a href=" http://www.myrddinsnet.com/jah/020.html ">Click</a>
http://www.myrddinsnet.com/jah/020.html

Tequila & Women
<a href=" http://www.j-j-c.net/tequila.htm ">Click</a>
http://www.j-j-c.net/tequila.htm

Crazy Road Sign
<a href=" http://www.j-j-c.net/roadsign.htm ">Click</a>
http://www.j-j-c.net/roadsign.htm

When Hens Eat Fruit Loops
<a href=" http://www.myrddinsnet.com/jah/026.html ">Click</a>
http://www.myrddinsnet.com/jah/026.html

---------------NON SMOKING SECTION-------------------------

<To comply with recent internet law changes...Purehumour will
now present a daily non-smoking section...this section is fully
smoke-free...I do not smoke while creating it...and you are
requested not to smoke while you read it!  You co-operation
is expected.>

flat chested woman was elated when her fairy
godmother told her her breasts would increase in size
any time a man says "Pardon" to her.

She was walking down the sidewalk the next day when a
man bumped into her. "Pardon me" he said and her
breasts immediately grew one inch. She was ecstatic.
The next day she was in the grocery store and a man
bumped her with his cart. He begged her pardon and
another inch was added to her breasts. She was in
seventh heaven.

That night she walked into a Chinese restaurant and
collided with a clumsy waiter. He bowed and said " A
thousand pardons for my clumsy behavior".

The next day, the headline in the local paper says
"Chinese Waiter Crushed To Death!"

<End of non-smoking section...please light your tobacco products
once more>
---------------DUSTING OFF THE ARCHIVES---------------

In an attempt to boost the number of visits to the Purehumour
archives...in each issue I will highlight today's date in the archives
from the past three years...take a look at todays issue in history
to see how Purehumour has evolved and what was funny in the
past!

Sept 21 2000

<a href=" http://www.escribe.com/humor/pj/m522.html ">Click</a>
http://www.escribe.com/humor/pj/m522.html

--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------

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If you wish to donate to support the continue success of this
ezine...please visit the link below...no amount is too small!
<a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/ph.html ">Click</a>
http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/ph.html

--------------------IT'S NOT PUNNY!------------------------------

I noticed the neighbor down the street was home every day, so after a
few weeks I asked him what was going on. He replied, "I left my job
because of illness and fatigue." A few weeks later, his wife gave me the
real truth of what happened . Turns out my neighbor's boss got sick and
tired of him.

------------------------TIMEKILLER-------------------------------

Play BlackJack
<a href=" http://humorcorner.com/dmp/blackjack.html ">Click</a>
http://humorcorner.com/dmp/blackjack.html

Test Your Typing Skills
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/typetest.html ">Click</a>
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Play Simon
<a href=" http://humorcorner.com/dmp/simon.html ">Click</a>
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Play Celebrity Tic Tac Toe
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BushAerobics
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Dancin With Dubya
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PacMan
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The Shell Game
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/shellgame.html ">Click</a>
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/shellgame.html

--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------

A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day there
he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A
gorgeous petite blonde walks by and the man immediately gets an
erection. The woman  notices his erection, comes over to him and
says, "Sir, did you call for me?"

The man replies, "No, what do you mean?"

She says, "You must be new here, let me explain. It's a rule here
that if you get an erection it implies you called for me."

Smiling she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down
on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have
his way with her.

The man continued to explore the colony's facilities. He enters
the sauna and as he sat down he farted. Within a few minutes
a huge, horrible, corpulent, hairy man lumbers out of the steam
toward him. "Did you call for me?" says the hairy man.

"No, what do you mean?" says the newcomer.

"You must be new here," says the hairy man, "it is a rule here
that if you fart it implies that you called for me." The huge man
easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his
way with him.

The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is
greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist. "May I help you?" she
says.

The man yells, "Here is my membership card, you can have the
key back, and you can keep the $500 membership fee."

"But sir," she replies, "you've only been here for a few hours,
you haven't even had the chance to see all our facilities."

The man replies, "Listen lady, I'm 58 years old, I get a hard-on
once a month, but I fart 15 times a day!"

--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------

Get your condoms here!
<a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/5.html ">Click</a>

--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------

Three mice are in a bar arguing about how tough they are.

The first mice says, "I'm so tough I can lay on a mouse trap to set it
off, then catch the bar and bench press it a hundred times."

The second mouse says, "Oh, yeah? Well, I'm so tough I collect all the
rat poison, crush it up, and stir it into my coffee; it gives me a boost
for the rest of the day."

The third mouse says, "I'm sick of listening to you guys bullshit, I'm
going home to fuck the cat."

--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------

Reserved
<a href=" http://www.myrddinsnet.com/jah/021.html ">Click</a>
http://www.myrddinsnet.com/jah/021.html

Lost My Marbles
<a href=" http://www.myrddinsnet.com/jah/022.html ">Click</a>
http://www.myrddinsnet.com/jah/022.html

Cat Bath
<a href=" http://www.footlonghotdog.net/catbath.htm ">Click</a>
http://www.footlonghotdog.net/catbath.htm

Reading Is FUNdamental with Clinton
<a href=" http://www.footlonghotdog.net/clintonbooks.htm ">Click</a>
http://www.footlonghotdog.net/clintonbooks.htm

Snatch Receipt
<a href=" http://www.dailyadultjoke.com/jill/02-08a.html ">Click</a>
http://www.dailyadultjoke.com/jill/02-08a.html

-------------------------WEIRD NEWS---------------------------

Viewers of Iran's Islamic News Network were shocked
to find their broadcast interrupted by hardcore
porn.

Residents watching the daily news in Hamedan, a
province renowned for its religious fanaticism, were
treated to a surprise three-minute clip of graphic
sexual scenes.

The distribution of porn in Iran is punishable by
execution.

"It was an immoral and dirty sex film - in fact it's
the dirtiest thing I've ever seen," complained one
viewer.

According to Tehran daily Jomhurieh Islami, the state-
run News Network have confirmed the incident and are
launching an investigation.

Weird News is a daily feature of Purehumour...it contains
a previously published News Report.  If you find an article
that you wish to see here..please send the article, name of
the publication and date to:
<a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">News</a>
IF you like Weird News...subscribe to my weekly ezine of
Weird News Weekly:
<a href=" http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com ">Lists</a>
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------

Limerick Time!

The nephew of one of the czars
Used to suck off Rasputin at Yars,
Till the peasants revolted,
The royal family bolted -
Now they're under the sickle and stars.

A morbid young lady named Jean
Was known as the Masochist Queen.
She used thistles and cacti
In pursuit of her practi,
In a manner both odd and obscene.

A virgin felt urged in Toulouse
Till she thought she would try self-abuse.
In search of a hard on
She ran out in the garden,
And was had by a statue of Zeus.

-------------------------QUICK WIT-------------------------------

[||||]    C H A S I N G    C H E O P S   [||||]

Fox went live with their coverage of "Pyramids Live:  Secret Chambers
Revealed" in which archeologists send a robot into the 4500 year old
Great Pyramid of Giza.    (LA Times)

Bit of a letdown, though.  All they found inside was Geraldo Rivera.

Copyright  2002 by Bob Mills, all rights reserved.
http://www.topica.com/lists/funnysideup
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------

A lady went into a bar in Waco and saw a cowboy with
his feet propped up on a table.  He had the biggest
feet she'd ever seen.

The woman asked the cowboy if it's true what they say
about men with big feet.  The cowboy grinned and said,
"Shore is, little lady!  Why don't you come on out to
the bunkhouse and let me prove it to you?"

The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent
the night with him.  The next morning she handed him a
$100 bill.

Blushing, he said, "Well, thankee, ma'am.  Ah'm real
flattered.  Ain't nobody ever paid me fer mah services
before."

The woman replied, "Don't be flattered ...take the money
and buy yourself some boots that fit."

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---------DUMB CROOK OF THE DAY AWARD---------

Williamson, West Virginia police wouldn't have known
whom a bag of cocaine belonged to had it not been for
one telling clue: a driver's license that accompanied
the illegal narcotics.

Brian Corbett, 26, left his driver's license inside a
bag that contained $250 of cocaine, Sgt. J.J. Lester
said. Corbett left the cocaine and his identification
inside a truck that belonged to a taxi-service company
he worked for.

"He left the cocaine in a little baggy, right there
with his driver's license," Lester said today. "When he
came back for it, we had it."

Corbett is in jail for possession and intent to distribute
the drugs, Lester said.

"He's a stupid crook," Lester said.

---------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------

Why does California have the most lawyers in the country and New Jersey has
the most toxic waste sites?

New Jersey got first choice.

--------------------------EDITORIAL--------------------------------

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My Editor Is Such A Wonderful Person!
by Erik Deckers

It's an age old problem, affecting men and women, young and old, smart
and stupid. There's 1) what they should have said (or wanted to say),
and 2) what they did say.

1. Happy birthday, dear. I remembered when we first met, you said you
had always wanted a pair of diamond earrings. So here's a pair just for
you on your special day.

2. You said the vacuum cleaner was broken, and this one was on sale.
Look, it even has a linoleum attachment, so you don't have to use a
broom in the kitchen anymore.

1. I'm working on the sales projections for next quarter's budget
report.

2. Just downloading porn.

1. Oh yeah, while you tree-hugging granola heads are slogging your way
through airports for the next three days, I'll be winging home on an Air
Force jet, cutting into a nice juicy Porterhouse steak.

2. "Thank you, I have now heard you. I ask that you hear me."

(Secretary of State Colin Powell to hecklers at the World Summit on
Sustainable Development in Johannesburg, South Africa.)

1. BOO!!

2. Wait until I tell my friends back home that I rode in the same
elevator with Senator Jesse Helms and Senator Strom Thurmond.

1. "To be, or not to be: that is the question. Whether 'tis nobler in
the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to
take arms against a sea of troubles."

2. You mean I'll get $10,000 just for saying "Dude, you're getting a
Dell?"

1. Start running. I'll count to 500, and then I'm coming after you.

2. "(H)e'll be taught a greater appreciation for nature and gravity as
he hunts, kills, cleans and cooks for himself."

(Ted Nugent commenting that for $1 million, he would teach 'N Sync's
Lance Bass about bow hunting, instead of Bass paying $20 million to
spend several days at the International Space Station).

1. Of course he did it! The whole freakin' world knows it, except for
you 12 morons!

2. If the glove does not fit, you must acquit.

1. Wow, I'm actually meeting Mike Tyson in person! Mr. Tyson, I'm a huge
fan.

2. Those gold teeth look stupid and you talk like a girl. You probably
hit like one too.

1. 'Tis better to have loved and lost, then never to have loved at all.

2. Since you're not seeing her anymore, do you mind if I ask her out?

1. I'd better read the manual first. I'd hate to chop off my fingers.

2. Manual schmanual, any idiot can operate a miter saw.

1. Yeah, so?

2. I did not have sex with that woman, Ms. Lewinsky.

1. It's a freakin' 15-year-old cat! He had two paws in the grave
already, so he's sure not worth five million bucks. Besides, they still
have the other four stupid cats they were traveling with.

2. "Animals are precious cargo and are treated accordingly."

(An unnamed Air Canada airline official commenting on a $5 million
lawsuit filed by a self-employed artist over the airline's loss of one
of her five cats).

1. Happy birthday, I got you that drill press you wanted.

2. Six months worth of dance lessons! I thought you could take me
dancing sometime.

1. Garcon, we would like a bottle of the 2000 Vincent Girardin
Corton-Charlemagne Merlot.

2. Gimme a Bud Lite, no glass.

1. I'll tell you where to stick your $10 "Lord of the Dance" membership
pledge. We've got huge corporations shoveling thousands at us just to
play their "underwriting messages."

2. At PBS, you can pledge any amount, from $5 to $500. We're just so
grateful to everyone who takes the time to support the programming on
their local public television station.

1. Your eyes are so blue and deep, I could just lose myself in them.

2. Pull my finger.

1. Hello, officer. What seems to be the problem?

2. Awww, what's the matter? Doughnut shop out of sprinkles again?

1. Wait a minute, what did she say? Can someone please tell me what
Britney Spears just said? Hurry up, I have to go out on stage.

2. "When I was a little boy growing up in Indiana, if someone told me
I'd be getting the Artist of the Millennium award, I'd never have
believed it."

(Michael Jackson at the MTV Video Music Awards, thinking he was
receiving the nonexistent Artist of the Millennium award, instead of
well wishes on his 44th birthday).

1. You're right, sticking a scalding hot cup of coffee between my legs
before driving away was pretty irresponsible. I guess I just wasn't
thinking.

2. I'll see you in court, Ronald McDonald!

1. Hey everyone, look at me, I'm an annoying jerk! I'm showing up on TV
commercials everywhere to annoy as many people as possible! I bet you'd
love to punch me in the face if you ever met me in person. Neener neener
neener!

2. Can you hear me now? Good!

1. Wow, chain saw juggling can be dangerous, especially after I've had
too much to drink.

2. Hey y'all, watch this!

Laughing Stalk Syndicate
Copyright 2002

--

Erik Deckers is in sales and marketing by day, but at night he dons a cape and
mask and. . . well, he doesn't fight crime so much as he just runs around his
house making kung fu noises. He is shy, and doesn't want people to make fun of
him. At other times, he writes a weekly humor column, which can be found at
http://www.kconline.com/deckers.

Your article length submissions are welcome...send your
humourous submissions of between 300 and 500 words to:
<a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">Editorials</a>
Editorial comments expressed here are copyright the writer and
may not be reproduced in whole or in part without the expressed
written consent of the writer and also the editor of Purehumour.
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