©¿©<--------- http://www.paulsfunhouse.com --------->©¿©
©¿©<----------The Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour ---------->©¿©

<---------------------PHWeekly Joke Ezine!--------------------->
<-------The Little Sister Of Purehumour Joke Ezine------>

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Another week is gone by...and it brings us a little bit closer to winter...
warm up your nights with a great book...and YOU could win a
signed copy of Kim Burke's new book just by entering the contest.
TODAY is the last day to enter....details are in the editorial section
of today's issue!

Today's issue includes contributions by: SunAmy, Keli, Lynn, Rubin, Ruth,
BarbieJo, Marsha, D.A. Funk, Marina.

If you want to see your name here...send your jokes to:
<a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">Jokes</a>

Lets start with a quickie:

How do you know when your girlfriend is getting too fat?

She sits on your face and you can't hear the stereo!

©¿©--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------©¿©

Proctologist Called
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Bad Hair Day
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[A Classic]

Little Red Riding Hood was skipping through the forest on her way to
Grandma's house when she came upon a squirrel. The squirrel asked "Little
Red Riding Hood, where are you going with that basket?"

"To Grandma's house" Little Red told him.

"Don't go there Little Red Riding Hood there is a big bad wolf there who is
going to pull your little red dress up, pull your little red panties down
and fuck your little white socks off." the squirrel advised.

Ignoring him she kept skipping through the forest til she came across a
rabbit. The rabbit asked her where she was headed and when Little Red told
him Grandma's he told her the same story.

"Don't go there Little Red Riding Hood there is a big bad wolf there who is
going to pull your little red dress up, pull your little white panties down
and fuck your little red socks off."

Little Red ignored him and continued on her way. Upon arriving at Grandma's
Little Red opened the door to find a big bad wolf waiting for her.

"Come in Little Red Riding Hood. I have been waiting for you. I am going to
pull your little red dress up, pull your little white panties down and fuck
your little white socks off."

Little Red smiled at the wolf and said "OH NO YOU AREN'T YOU ARE GOING TO



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©¿©------------------------GUS COOKS!------------------------------©¿©

Gus really gets cooking...a new strip each day!
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©¿©----------------------TODAY IN HISTORY-----------------------©¿©

If today is your birthday...you share it with:

1940 Alexander S Ivanchenkov cosmonaut (Soyuz 29, T-6)
1941 Charley Taylor NFL wide receiver/running back (Wash Redskin)
1942 Grant Jackson pitcher (1972 NY Yankees)
1943 Gertrud "Traudl" Hecher Austria, downhill skier (Olympic-bronze-1960)
1943 Joel Higgins Bloomington Ill, actor (Salvage 1, Silver Spoons)
1946 Fiona Lewis Westcliff England, actress (Stunts, Lisztomania)
1946 Herbert Jefferson Jr Jersey City NJ, actor (Battlestar Galactica)
1946 Larry Breeding Winchester Ill, actor (Who's Watching the Kids?)
1948 Helen Shapiro London England, rocker (Straighten Up)
1948 Marielle Goitschel France, slalom (Olympic-gold-1968)
1948 Phil Hartman comedian (SNL)
1951 Christian Marlowe LA Calif, actor (Bram-Highcliffe Manor)
1951 Dave Rajsich pitcher (NY Yankees)
1952 Sylvia Kristel Holland, actress (Emmanuelle, Priv School for Girls)
1954 Steve Largent wide receiver (Seattle Seahawks)
1958 Lory Del Santo Verona Italy, (Miss Italy-1980)
1961 Anne White Charleston WV, tennis (Wore spandex in '85 Wimbledon)
1962 Luis Enrique spanish singer (Luces del Alma)
1967 Moon Unit Zappa rocker (Valley Girl), Frank's daughter
1968 Carr‚ Otis SF Calif, actress (Wild Orchid)

.....and on this day in history:

1951 Allie Reynolds' 2nd no-hitter of 1951; Yanks clinch pennant #18
1951 Norm Van Brocklin of the Rams passes for NFL-record 554 yards
1958 Guinea votes for independence from France
1959 Explorer VI reveals an intense radiation belt around the Earth
1960 Ted Williams hits his final homer #521
1961 "Purlie Victorious," a farce by Ossie Davis, opens on Broadway
1961 Syria withdraws from United Arab Republic
1961 USN Comdr Forrest S Petersen takes X-15 to 30,720 m
1963 Giuseppe Cantarella roller-skates a record 41.5 kph for 440 yds
1963 Italy's Giuseppe Camtarella skates a record 25.78 MPH
1964 Australia beats US in 1st clay court Davis Cup
1965 Jack McKay in X-15 reaches 90 km
1965 Lava flows kill at least 350 (Taal Phillipines)
1967 Walter Washington elected 1st mayor of Washington, DC
1968 Alberto Giolani of Italy roller skates record 23.133 miles in 1 hr
1968 Atlanta Chiefs beat San Diego Toros 3-0 for NASL championship
1968 Beatles' "Hey Jude," single goes #1 & stays #1 for 9 weeks
1968 Chuck Hixson (Southern Methodist) completes 37 of record 69 passes
1969 Joe Kapp (Minn Vikings) passes for 7 touchdowns vs Balt Colts (52-14)
1970 Intrepid (US) beats Gretel II (Aust) in 22nd America's Cup
1972 Japan & Communist China agree to re-establish diplomatic relations
1974 1st lady Betty Ford undergoes a radical mastectomy
1974 Calif Angel Nolan Ryan 3rd no-hitter beats Minn Twin, 4-0
1974 John Lennon appears as guest dj on WNEW-FM (NYC)
1975 Oakland A's Vida Blue, Glenn Abbott, Paul Linblad & Rollie Fingers, 
no-hit Calif Angels 5-0
1976 Muhammad Ali retains heavyweight boxing championship in a close 
15-round decision over Ken Norton at Yankee Stadium
1978 Israeli Knesset endorses Camp David accord
1979 Larry Holmes (retain championship) KOs Earnie Shavers in 11 rounds
1980 Jaromir Wagner is 1st to fly the Atlantic standing on the wing
1981 Joseph Paul Franklin, avowed racist, sentenced to life imprisonment 
for killing 2 black joggers in Salt Lake City
1982 1st reports appear of death from cyanide-laced Tylenol capsules
1982 NASA launches Intelsat V
1983 STS-9 vehicle moves to launch pad
1985 NASA launches Intelsat VA
1986 Record 23,000 start in a marathon (Mexico City)
1988 Bronx Museum for the Arts opens
1988 LA Dodger Orel Hershiser sets record for consecutive scoreless inns
1990 Marvin Gaye gets a star on Hollywood's walk of fame
1991 NY Yankees set record of 75 games without a complete pitched game

©2002 http://www.scopesys.com/today/

Top Ten Men

1. The Doctor because he says,"Take off your clothes"
2. The Dentist because he says,"Open Wide"
3. The hairdresser because he says,"Do you want it teased or blown"
4. The Milkman because he says,"Do you want it in front or in back?"
5. The Interior Decorator because he says,"Once you have it all in, you'll 
love it."
6. The Banker because he says,"If you take it out to soon, you'll lose 
7. The Police Officer because he says,"Spread 'em"
8. The Mailman because he always delivers his package.
9. The Pilot because he takes off fast and then slows down.
10. The Hunter because he always goes deep in the bush,
shoots twice and always eats what he shoots.

©¿©----------------------PUREHUMOUR POLL--------------------©¿©

They really are not playing nice right now!

Check it out
<a href=" http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/fun/ ">Poll</a>

©¿©-----------------------QUICK QUOTE----------------------------©¿©

"The "Wall Street Journal" has apologized for mistakenly reporting that
movie star Sylvester Stallone is overweight and currently weighed 278
pounds. The Journal also apologized for mistakenly reporting that Stallone
is currently a movie star."
-Conan O'Brien

©¿©--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------©¿©

Singles Chat Room
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Male Library
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One hot July day, we found this old straggly cat at our door. She was a
sorry sight, starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny and hair all
matted down. We felt sorry for her, put her in a carrier and took her to
the vet.

She had no name so we named her pussy cat. The vet decided to keep her
for a day or so, and said he would let us know when we could come and
get her. My husband, the complaining type, said "OK, but don't forget
to wash her, she stinks."

My husband and my vet don't see eye to eye. He calls my hubby
El-Cheap-O, and my hubby calls him El-Take-O. The next day, hubby had an
appointment with his doctor, which is located next door to the vet. The
doctor's office was full of people waiting to see the doctor (many our
friends and neighbors).

The door opened and in popped the vet and announces to my hubby, "Your
wife's pussy is finally shaved and clean. She now smells like a rose.
And by the way, I think she is pregnant. God only knows who the father
is!" and then he closed the door.

©¿©-------------------------A DOG'S WORLD------------------------©¿©

A Dog's World is a continuing story that will appear in each
issue...miss a segment?...then check out the archives at:

Off in the distance Sam could see a figure. Dog? Cat?
He couldn't be sure but it was definitely some kind of
animal. It stood on four legs and was just frozen in
one spot. To Sam it almost looked more like a shadow
of an animal than an actual animal.

The rest of the pack carefully turned their heads to
see the figure and Sam was relieved when they whispered
that they saw it too. He couldn't help but question his
own eyes and their confirmation made him feel better.

"I can't pick up any scent" said Prince. "He's too far

"Should we head that way"? Asked Shep.

Sam surveyed the situation and spoke to the group without
moving his mouth. "We go slow and we go as a group."

Copyright 2001-02 D. Scott
Check out more at: http://www.humorcorner.com
©¿©--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------©¿©

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Human Flag
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Attention Please
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Working Late
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War was on and the captain was attempting to rally the
GIs on the eve of a big offensive.

"Out there," said the captain, "is your enemy. The man
who has made your life miserable, who is working to
destroy you; the man who has been trying to kill you day
after day throughout this war."

Private Johnson jumped to his feet. "My God; the cook's
working for the other side!"


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©¿©------------------------STRANGE BREED!-------------------------©¿©

If you like funny, wacky, and clean cartoons, then check out
"Strange Breed". It's sure to make you and your whole family

<a href="http://www2.hi.net/s4/strangebreed.htm";>Click</a>


The Lost Chapter of Genesis:

Adam was hanging around the garden of Eden feeling very
lonely. So God asked him, "What's wrong with you?" Adam
said he didn't have anyone to talk to.

God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and
that it would be a woman.

He said, "this pretty lady will gather food for you, she
will cook for you, and when you discover clothing, she
will wash it for you. She will always agree with every
decision you make and she will not nag you and will
always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've
had a disagreement. She will praise you!

She will bear your children and never ask you to get up
in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will
never have a headache and will freely give you love and
passion whenever you need it."

Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"

God replied, "An arm and a leg."

So Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"

The rest is history....

©¿©--------------FROM THE BATHROOM WALL -------------©¿©

Birthdays only come once a year...aren't you glad you're not a birthday?

  ©¿©-------------------------QUIZ QUEEN------------------------------©¿©

Where did the month of July get its name?

A. Queen Julius of Greece
B. Emperor Julius Caesar of Rome
C. Julius means seventh month in Latin
D. King William the First named it for his daughter July


If you've ever seen a North Carolina license plate then you know
what about this state?

A. It was the site of the first successful airplane flight
B. It was the first of the 13 original colonies
C. It was the site of the start of the American revolution
D. It was the first state to secede during the American Civil War


<Answers in Next Issue!>

Last Issue's Answers:

Hispanic Americans share what common trait?

A. They can trace their ancestry to countries in the western hemisphere 
where the Spanish language is spoken


Hispanic Americans are also known as what?

D. Latinos and/or hispanos

© Copyright 2002 Dawggone Communications
Website: http://quizqueen.net

In the Maritimes of Canada, the Pope took a couple of days off his
itinerary to tour the coastal towns. His 4X4 Popemobile was driving
along the beautiful  shoreline when there was an enormous commotion
heard just off shore.  The Pope rushed to see what it was and upon
approaching the scene, the Pope noticed in the water a hapless man
wearing a US Olympic Hockey jersey, struggling frantically to free
himself from the jaws of a 12 foot Great White Shark.

At that moment a speedboat containing three men wearing Canadian Olympic
Hockey jerseys roared into view from around the point.  Spontaneously,
one of the men took aim and fired a harpoon into the shark's ribs,
immobilizing it instantly.  The other two reached  out and pulled
the American man from the water and then, using long clubs, beat the
shark to death. They bundled the bleeding, semi-conscious  man into the
boat along with the dead shark and then prepared for a hasty retreat
when they heard frantic shouting from the shore.  It was the Pope and
he summoned them to the beach.

After they reached shore, the Pope went into raptures about the rescue
and said, "I give you my blessing for your brave actions.  I had heard
that there were some bitter hatred between the people of Canada and the
USA due to Canada taking the gold in the Olympic Hockey Tournament, but
now I have seen with my own eyes this is not true.  I can see that your
society is a truly enlightened example of true harmony and could serve
as a model on which other countries could follow".  He blessed them all
and drove off in a cloud of dust.

As he departed, the harpooner asked the others,  "Who was that?"

"That," one answered, "was his Holiness the Pope.  He is in direct
contact with God and has access to all of God's wisdom.

"Well," the harpooner replied, "he sure don't know diddly about shark
fishing. How is the bait holding up?  Do we need to get another one yet?"

©¿©--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------©¿©

<a href=" http://www.buffalosjokes.com/at/30.htm ">Click</a>

Color Test Conflict
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If You Can't Make Me Thin
<a href=" http://ninasplace.com/002.htm ">Click</a>

No Raise For You
<a href=" http://www.buffalosjokes.com/at/37.htm ">Click</a>

©¿©---------------NON SMOKING SECTION-------------------------©¿©

<To comply with recent internet law changes...Purehumour will
now present a daily non-smoking section...this section is fully
smoke-free...I do not smoke while creating it...and you are
requested not to smoke while you read it!  You co-operation
is expected.>

A friend of mine was visiting a college which had those security
callboxes every few hundred feet. If you were wandering around
the campus at night and felt uneasy about somebody following you,
for instance, you could hit the button and have a security officer
investigate immediately.

On one of these phones hung a sign that said, "Out of Order."

Underneath it someone had scrawled, "Keep Running."

<End of non-smoking section...please light your tobacco products
once more>
©¿©---------------DUSTING OFF THE ARCHIVES---------------©¿©

In an attempt to boost the number of visits to the Purehumour
archives...in each issue I will highlight today's date in the archives
from the past three years...take a look at todays issue in history
to see how Purehumour has evolved and what was funny in the

Sept 28 2001

<a href=" http://www.escribe.com/humor/pj/m721.html ">Click</a>


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ezine...please visit the link below...no amount is too small!
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©¿©--------------------IT'S NOT PUNNY!------------------------------©¿©

A boy and his father are playing with toy cars, the father has the
police car and pretends to pull over the car that the boy is playing
with. "Do you have a drivers license?" asks the father."No," says the
boy. "Are you resisting arrest?" he asks. The boy hesitates before he
says, "No, I'm not sleepy yet.


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There was an earthquake at the Christian Brothers' monastery
and it was leveled. All fifty brothers were transported to
heaven at one time.

At the Pearly Gates, St Peter said, "Let's go through the
entry test as a group. Now, first question.  How many of
you have played around with little boys?"

Forty-nine hands went up.

"Right!" said St Peter. "You forty-nine can go down to Purgatory.
Oh, and take that deaf one with you!"


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A cannibal chief had captured a man near
his camp and said to the man, "What is your profession?"

The man replied, "I am editor of my company paper." "

Good," smiled the cannibal chief. "Tomorrow you will be

©¿©--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------©¿©

Sticks N Stones
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Sex On The Brain
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Pay Attention
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Keep The Seat Down
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©¿©-------------------------WEIRD NEWS---------------------------©¿©

A new advertising poster by Austrian lingerie company
Wolford has been banned from Times Square in New York
for being too sexy.

Although the poster has been put up in cities around
Europe, including London, the Americans feel it shows
too much naked skin for the Big Apple.

A Wolford spokesman says they are not too upset by the
Americans' reaction.

He added that they are used to criticism over their
"controversial" ad campaigns.

An earlier campaign caused chaos in New York in 1998
when a giant poster of a long-legged woman wearing only
a pair of the company's famous tights stopped traffic
on Broadway.

Weird News is a daily feature of Purehumour...it contains
a previously published News Report.  If you find an article
that you wish to see here..please send the article, name of
the publication and date to:
<a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">News</a>
IF you like Weird News...subscribe to my weekly ezine of
Weird News Weekly:
<a href=" http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com ">Lists</a>

"Yes," the English Lord told his guest, "everything in this castle was built
the hard way. Life is not worth living without challenge! The land on which
it was raised? A swamp. I had it drained and filled with rocks and timber.

These beams," he gestured grandly, "came from trees cut in a woods in Spain.
The stone was quarried in Africa under the very eyes of cannibals."

Just then a beautiful young woman walked over.

The English Lord announced, "This is my daughter Elizabeth."

Returning the guest's curious stare, the English Lord confided, "Yes.. on a
horse in a raging thunderstorm."

©¿©-------------------------QUICK WIT-------------------------------©¿©

[||||]     C O U C H    S P U D E T T E     [||||]

Martha Stewart has partnered with North Carolina's Bernhardt Furniture
Co. to produce $2000 leather Martha Stewart Signature sofas.    (USA

With easily removable solid oak legs so handy during those spur of the
moment visiting day cell block melees.

Copyright © 2002 by Bob Mills, all rights reserved.

A fellow tees off, and slices terribly. He sees the ball fly past a stand of
trees and then hears a shriek. He runs over and finds a woman knocked out

The man runs back to the clubhouse and shouts, "Is there a doctor here?"

"I'm a doctor," another man says, rising. "What's the trouble?"

"I just hit a woman with a golf ball out there and she's unconscious!"

"Well where did you hit her?" the doctor asks

"Between the first and second holes."

"Oh my," the doctor says, shaking his head. "That doesn't leave much room
for stitches!"


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©¿©--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------©¿©

Discount Acupuncture
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Medicine Man
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Catching a Groom
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Take Your Best Shot
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©¿©---------DUMB CROOK OF THE DAY AWARD---------©¿©

In the early 1980s I worked plainclothes security for a
large drugstore chain. I worked from Oregon to Southern
California and was constantly being moved around. One
day I was working a store in Menlo Park, CA and a
gentleman from East Palo Alto entered the store. He
selected a shopping cart, went to the liquor department,
place four cases of scotch in the cart and pushed it out
the door into the parking lot. I apprehended him and
brought him to my officer. At this point he was not
handcuffed as he did not resist - until I called the

As I was talking to the dispatcher, the subject decided
he was going to leave. That led to a bit of a scuffle
during which time he defecated in his pants. When the
officers arrived to book him, as you can imagine, the
NEWEST officer was elected to transport him. The subject
was sentenced to a year in county jail.

About ten months later I was working in the same store
and, although I did not recall his face at the time, the
SAME man walked in and attempted to steal four cases of
scotch in the same manner. Once again I had no trouble
with him until the police were notified. Officers arrived
as I was wrestling with the subject and, once again, he
defecated in his pants. He had no ID but, as the fumes
intensified, I pulled out my arrest log and looked up
his name for the officers. This time he went to prison.


What do you call a hooker that smokes marijuana?

A pothole!



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Have you heard the news?
by Lynette

Stephen King says he's considering retirement.

All I can say is, "It's about time."  If there was ever a
novelist whose time has come and gone, it has to be Stephen

Don't get me wrong.  I'm a big fan and have read everything
he's ever published.  But honestly, do we really need made-up
stories to scare us anymore? Instead of Stephen King and Peter
Straub, we watch Peter Jennings and Tom Brokaw.  Alfred
Hitchcock has been replaced with CNN and just what horror
magazine could top Newsweek and Time?

Ghosts and murderous clowns, haunted cars and crazed St.
Bernards, vampires and werewolves are just no match for today's
headlines. So in an effort to keep Stephen King relevant in
today's world, I offer the following story suggestions.  After
all, Stephen, I really am your biggest fan!  Ha ha ha ha ha ha

-Elvis returns from the dead and performs rap music.  Oh, wait a
minute.  That's being done AND without his permission. Okay,
Elvis comes back and decides to record the soulful tunes of
Barry Manilow with Johnny Cash and Willie Nelson!

-John Denver returns from the dead and…actually, that's scary
enough right there.

-Aliens from another planet land on Earth and redistribute the
wealth in a fair and equal manner!

-The only thing on television is economists discussing today's
economy, evangelists explaining how Satan is taking over the
world through Pokemon and Barney.

-Cockroaches finally unionize and outlaw shoes.  The entire
cast of "Sex in the City" shave their heads in protest.

-It's discovered that diet soda causes cellulite.

-Don King's hair comes to life and takes over a nearby

-Technology rebels and makes it impossible to hang up on

-Under the protection of the new "One Nation Under God" laws,
residents are required to listen to the entire spiel by door-
knocking Jehovah's Witnesses and must read every copy of The
Watchtower received.  Those who fail to do so will be sentenced
to listening to rock and roll music backwards until they go

-The world's chocolate supply is taken over by a madman who
demands millions in ransom.

-A curse is placed on all those who imagine others naked.
Those with the dirty thoughts will immediately find themselves
sans clothes.  The sight of so many ugly, naked bodies makes
the world throw up.

Whoa, after all that, I'm not sure I'll be able to sleep tonight.
I think I'll go watch the news now.  With the lights on, of


Lynette is the writer and creator of the website: www.lynetteisfunny.com.
She lives in Bend, Oregon with her husband and two children.  Her family is
the main comedy source for her column although she is not above making up
something just to be funny.  Email Lynette at [EMAIL PROTECTED]

Your article length submissions are welcome...send your
humourous submissions of between 300 and 500 words to:
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