<--------- http://www.paulsfunhouse.com --------->
and
<----------The Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour ---------->
presents

<---------------------PHWeekly Joke Ezine!--------------------->
<-------The Little Sister Of Purehumour Joke Ezine------>

PHWEEKLY is sent by request ONLY...if you wish to stop
receiving these mailings then please visit:
<a href=" http://unsubscribe.paulsfunhouse.com/phweekly.html ">Click</a>

Congratulations to David from New York...he is the winner of the latest
Purehumour Contest. David's prize is an autographed copy of Kim Burke's
book: Incidents and Accidents for Frazzled Women. For those of you who
were not lucky enough to win...you can find your way to the ordering page
by going here: http://contest.paulsfunhouse.com

Happy Thanksgiving to the Canadians and Happy Columbus Day to the
Americans!

Today's issue includes contributions by: Barbara, Marina, Donna, Keli,
DA Funk, SunAmy, Colorado Kid, John.

If you want to see your name here...send your jokes to:
<a href=" mailto:jokes@;paulsfunhouse.com ">Jokes</a>

-------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------
Lets start with a quickie:

What do you call Miss Piggy's douche?

Hogwash!

--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------

Hot Dog Anyone?
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Chains Required
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Suck This
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If Dads Raised The Kids
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Go To Gap To Buy A Pair of Pants Male/Female Versions
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SuperDogs
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------------------------SPONSOR---------------------------------
Today's issue is brought to you by:

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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------

A Canadian is someone who drinks Brazilian coffee from an
English teacup and munches a French pastry while sitting
on their Danish furniture having just come home from an
Italian movie in their German car.

He/She picks up their Japanese pen and writes to their
Member of Parliament to complain about the American take-
over of the Canadian publishing business.

--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------

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------------------------GUS COOKS!------------------------------

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----------------------TODAY IN HISTORY-----------------------

If today is your birthday...you share it with:

1947 Chris Wallace Chic Ill, newscaster (NBC Weekend News)
1948 Rick Parfitt rocker (Status Quo-The Wanderer)
1950 Susan Anton Oak Glen Calif, actress (Golden Girl, Spring Fever)
1951 Bernie Ruoff West Germany, CFL kicker (Winnipeg, Hamilton)
1962 Sid Fernandez Hawaii, pitcher (NY Mets)
1964 Jo Ann Willette actress (Constance-Just 10 of Us, Real Genius)
1968 Adam Rich NYC, actor (Nicholas-8 is Enough, Code Red, Gun Shy)
1969 Kimberly Ann Grimm Mt Lake Park Md, Miss Maryland-America (1991)
1970 Kimberly Hoskins Yuma Arizona, Miss Arizona-America (1991)
1970 Kirk Cameron Panorama City Calif, actor (Mike-Growing Pains)

.....and on this day in history:

1957 1st coml flight between Calif & Antartica
1960 Nikita Khrushchev pounds his shoe at UN General Assembly session
1962 US/USSR sign joint space effort in telecommunications & meteorology
1963 Archaeological digs begin at Masada, Israel
1963 At 4 AM, traffic on Bay Bridge is 1-way on each deck
1964 Launch of Voskhod 1, 1st 3 man crew (Komarov, Feokistov, Yegorov)
1967 St Louis Cards beat Boston Red Sox, 4 games to 3 in 64th World Series as Lou Brock steals a record 7 bases in 1 world series
1968 19th modern Olympic games opens in Mexico City
1968 Equatorial Guinea gains independence from Spain (National Day)
1968 Norma Enriqueta Basilio Satelo is 1st woman to light Olympic flame
1969 KDB-AM in Santa Barbara CA changes call letters to KAPN
1969 Soyuz 7 is launched
1969 Yoko Ono suffers another miscarriage
1972 46 sailors injured in race riot on aircraft carrier Kitty Hawk
1972 Billy Harris failed in 1st Islander penalty shot
1972 Mariner 9 takes pictures of Martian north pole
1973 Nixon nominates Gerald Ford to replace Spiro Agnew as VP
1974 1st time Wash Caps are shut out as they are beat 6-0 by Minnesota
1975 Archbishop Oliver Plunkett became 1st Irish-born saint in 7 centuries
1975 NASA launches space vehicle S-195
1976 4th Space Shuttle Enterprise, approach & land test (ALT) flight
1976 Hua Guo-feng succeeds Mao Tse-tung as chairman of Communist Party
1977 "Throwaway Game" Catfish Hunter loses WS 6-1 resting Yank pitchers
1977 4th test of the space shuttle Enterprise
1977 Psychic Romark attempts to drive blindfolded, smashed into cop van
1977 US Supreme Court heard arguments in "reverse discrimination" case of Allan Bakke, white student denied admission to U of Calif Med School
1978 Representatives of Israel & Egypt open talks in Washington
1982 38.6 cm (15.2") of rainfall, Angoon, Alaska (state record)
1982 Milwaukee Brewer Paul Molitor gets world series record 5 hits (World Series #79)
1984 IRA bombs hotel where Margaret Thatcher is staying
1985 Challenger moves to Vandenberg AFB for mating of STS 61A mission
1985 Intl Physicians for Prevention of Nuclear War receives Nobel Prize
1986 Calif Angels within 1 pitch of pennant victory lose to Red Sox
1987 George Harrison releases "Got My Mind Set On You"
1987 Minnesota Twins beat Detroit Tigers for AL pennant
1988 Israel & China sign trade deal, plan diplomatic relations
1989 Herschel Walker is traded from Cowboys to Vikings for 12 players
1992 Expo '92 closes in Seville Spain

2002 http://www.scopesys.com/today/
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------

Three men who were members of different clubs went hunting
together in Canada. Since there was only room for one to
shoot at a time, they decided that the member from the Elks
would be first, then the Moose member and then the member
from the Eagles.

When the first hunter was ready a huge Elk walked out of the
woods, down to the stream and got a drink of water. The
hunter said 'I can't shoot him, he is the symbol of my club.'
So he gave up his turn to the next hunter.

When the second hunter was ready a huge Moose walked out of
the woods, down to the stream and got a drink of water. The
hunter said 'I can't shoot him, he is the symbol of my club.'
So he gave up his turn to the next hunter.

When the third hunter was ready a huge Eagle flew down to
the stream and got a drink of water. The hunter shot him
immediately.

His companions said 'I can't believe you shot him, he is the
symbol of your club.'

He told them 'That was no true Eagle, Eagles don't drink
water.'

----------------------PUREHUMOUR POLL--------------------

It is all about the mall!

Check it out
<a href=" http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/fun/ ">Poll</a>
http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/fun/

-----------------------QUICK QUOTE----------------------------

"You can say any fool thing to a dog, and the dog will give you this
look that says, `My God, you're RIGHT! I NEVER would've thought of
that!'"
-Dave Barry

--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------

Cramped
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Blonde Crossword
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Horny Chicken
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Michelin Baby
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Mooooo
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MooShooz
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical
malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and
communications equipment. Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could
not determine the helicopter's position and course to steer to the
airport.

The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a
handwritten sign, and held it in the helicopter's window. The pilot's
sign said 'WHERE AM I?' in large letters.

People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a
large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said 'YOU ARE
IN A HELICOPTER.' The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined
the course to steer to the airport, and landed safely.

After they were on the ground, the copilot asked the pilot how the 'YOU
ARE IN A HELICOPTER' sign helped determine their position.

The pilot responded, "I knew that had to be the MICROSOFT building
because they gave me a technically correct, but completely useless
answer.

-------------------------A DOG'S WORLD------------------------

A Dog's World is a continuing story that will appear in each
issue...miss a segment?...then check out the archives at:
http://www.escribe.com/humor/pj

As casually as they could the dogs milled around and then turned towards the
unknown animal. He wasn't trying but once again Sam led the way. They started
off strolling but it became more of a brisk walk.

The mysterious animal, first seemed unfazed. It pawed at the dirt and sniffed
each pebble after it moved. Suddenly it realized the dogs the were heading
it's way, it froze in position and just stared at the pack.

At about 50 feet the dogs knew it wasn't an another dog.

As if it acted on a signal from an unknown source the animal bolted. At top
speed it ran away. The dogs instinctively broke into a full run and the chase
was on.

"Look at the way it runs. That's a cat"! Yelled Rex.

---

With no mountains, hills, or trees the cat had nowhere to hide but it just
kept running as pack stayed in hot pursuit. The dogs were becoming winded and
couldn't stay in the chase for long. In the distance they could now see what
appeared to be a small box. They were sure that's where the cat was headed.

As they approached the cat's hiding spot the small box they saw was a white
cardboard carton that looked like it was about to fall apart at any moment.
Sam gave it a sniff and the other dogs followed suit.

"Definitely cat." Sam whispered.

"I'm just thrilled to smell anything." Barked Ralph.

The pack listened intently but could hear nothing. They talked about whether
or not they should move the box and uncover the cat.

"We don't mean it any harm, it might be scared but we can calm it down."
Reasoned Shep.

Copyright 2001-02 D. Scott
Check out more at: http://www.humorcorner.com
--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------

Staff Notice
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PEBCAK
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Pooping On People
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Do I Talk Too Much?
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The Right Answers To Give
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Look No Hands
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------

A man who had problems with premature ejaculation went to a
sex shop for a remedy. The clerk handed him a little yellow can
and said, "This is Stay-Hard Spray; put on a little and you can
go all night!"

Delighted, the guy took it home, stowed it on the cellar
shelf, and waited eagerly for bedtime, when he sprayed some on his
dick and went upstairs to his wife.

But it seemed to make him reach orgasm quicker than ever.
The next day he returned to the sex shop, slammed the can down
on the counter, and snapped, "This stuff makes me worse than
before!"

Reading the label, the clerk asked, "Did you hide this stuff
on the cellar shelf?"

"Yeah, so?" said the disgruntled customer.

"You must have grabbed the wrong can. This is Easy-Off."

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------------------------STRANGE BREED!-------------------------

If you like funny, wacky, and clean cartoons, then check out
"Strange Breed". It's sure to make you and your whole family
laugh."

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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------

Little Johnny and his pal Billy were walking in the park
when they passed three ladies eating bananas on a bench.
"Howdy ladies," Little Johnny said as he passed three women.

"Do you know them?" Billy asked.

"No," Little Johnny replied, "I've never met the nun, the
prostitute or the bride we just passed."

"How in the world did you know all that about them ladies?"
asked Billy.

"That's easy. The nun ate the banana by holding it one hand
and used the fingers of the other hand to properly break the banana
into small pieces."

"The prostitute," he continued, "grabbed the banana with
both hands and crammed the whole thing into her mouth."

"That's pretty impressive!" Billy exclaimed. "But how did
you know the third was a newlywed?"

"Oh, that was the easiest," explained Little Johnny, "She
was the one who held the banana with one hand and pushed her head toward
it with the other."

--------------FROM THE BATHROOM WALL -------------

A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.

-------------------------QUIZ QUEEN------------------------------

What do the balas ruby, the Bohemian ruby, the Siberian ruby, the
American ruby, Cape ruby, Montana ruby, and Rocky Mountain have in
common?

A. They are not really rubies
B. They are the highest valued rubies
C. They are the lowest valued rubies
D. They are the official gemstone of July birthdays

<Answers in Next Issue!>

28/07

Last Issue's Answers:

Where did the month of July get its name?

B. Emperor Julius Caesar of Rome

---

If you've ever seen a North Carolina license plate then you know
what about this state?

A. It was the site of the first successful airplane flight

Copyright 2002 Dawggone Communications
Website: http://quizqueen.net
Subscribe: [EMAIL PROTECTED]
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------

This guy and his newlywed wife go to the Hilton for their
honeymoon night. At the front desk, they check in and the
receptionist gives the groom the key to the bridal suite.
Just then he says to the groom, "Sir, It is now 6 o' clock,
dinner will be served from 7:30 onwards."

The groom looks at him and says, "Thank you, but we won't be
needing any" and off he and his bride go to the room.

The whole evening the people next door the bridal suite are
phoning down to the main desk to complain about all the moaning,
which doesn't stop for one minute the whole night.

Next morning at 6am, the groom phones down to room service.
"Hi, could I get some breakfast brought up here?"

"Sure, what would you like?" asks room service.

The groom says, "Well, I have to replace all the energy I
lost last night so you'd better get me 6 fried eggs, 9 sausages,
12 slices of toast and six liters of orange juice!"

Room service replies, "Gee, that's quite an appetite you got
there. Is that For your wife as well, or just for you?"

"No that's just for me, can you send up six pieces of
lettuce for my wife as well?"

Room service asks, "Why six pieces of lettuce?"

And the groom replies, "No, I have to see if she can eat
like a rabbit as well!!"

--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------

Error Document
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Santa Got It Covered
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Fishing With The Dog
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A Computer For Women??
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Problem Flow Sheet
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Goal Of A Bitch
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---------------NON SMOKING SECTION-------------------------

<To comply with recent internet law changes...Purehumour will
now present a daily non-smoking section...this section is fully
smoke-free...I do not smoke while creating it...and you are
requested not to smoke while you read it! You co-operation
is expected.>

A boss was complaining in a staff meeting the other day that
he wasn't getting any respect. Later that morning he went to
a local sign shop and bought a small sign that read, "I'm
the Boss." He then taped it to his office door.

Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that
someone had taped a note to the sign that said, "Your wife
called. She wants her sign back!"

<End of non-smoking section...please light your tobacco products
once more>
---------------DUSTING OFF THE ARCHIVES---------------

In an attempt to boost the number of visits to the Purehumour
archives...in each issue I will highlight today's date in the archives
from the past three years...take a look at todays issue in history
to see how Purehumour has evolved and what was funny in the
past!

Oct 12 2001

<a href=" http://www.escribe.com/humor/pj/m731.html ">Click</a>
http://www.escribe.com/humor/pj/m731.html

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--------------------IT'S NOT PUNNY!------------------------------

After a rather heated argument, the husband was sitting alone at the
breakfast table and decided to just have some cereal. Wondering if he
could patch things up in time for their usual Friday nite love-making,
he got his answer as he poured his cereal into the bowl. It seems the
wife had carefully hand lettered the words, "You ain't getting" to his
box of "Nut 'n' Honey" cereal.

------------------------TIMEKILLER-------------------------------

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Adult Slider Puzzle
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Do You F*ck On The First Date
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The Idiot Test
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------

A salesman, who getting ready for his next trip, asks
his wife to include a condom in his suitcase. His wife
instantly asks why..

He replies, "Just a reminder if I want to try
something different."

She grabs a bar of soap, drops it into one of his
socks, swings it in the air, and WHAM !!!! swings it
up between his balls..... After much pain, and
gathering his composure, asks.... "Why the hell did
you do that?"

She replies, "Just a reminder if you want to try
something different."

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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------

[A Classic!]

An 86 year old man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached
the desk, the receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor
for today?"

"There's something wrong with my penis," he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a
crowded office and say things like that."

"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.

The receptionist replied, "You've obviously caused some embarrassment in
this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong
with your ear or something and then discussed the problem further with the
doctor in private."

The man walked out, waited several minutes and then reentered.
The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"

"There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.

The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her
advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?"

"I can't piss out of it," the man replied.

--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------

Women Need Help
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Kosher Carrot
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Hooters and a Cute Pussy
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Aint It The Truth
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-------------------------WEIRD NEWS---------------------------

An Alabama law banning the sale of sex toys was struck
down by a federal judge as a violation of the right to
privacy.

He said the state did not prove it has a legitimate
interest in banning the sale of sex devices for use in
private, consensual relationships between adults.

The 1998 law - part of a package of legislation
strengthening the state's obscenity law - banned the
sale of devices designed for "the stimulation of human
genital organs."

It was challenged by six women who either sell sex aids
or said they need them for sexual gratification.

US District Judge Lynwood Smith Jr said: "The fundamental
right of privacy, long recognised by the Supreme Court as
inherent among our constitutional protections,
incorporates a right to sexual privacy."

Weird News is a daily feature of Purehumour...it contains
a previously published News Report. If you find an article
that you wish to see here..please send the article, name of
the publication and date to:
<a href=" mailto:news@;paulsfunhouse.com ">News</a>
IF you like Weird News...subscribe to my weekly ezine of
Weird News Weekly:
<a href=" http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com ">Lists</a>
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------

A car was involved in an accident in a street. As expected,
a large crowd gathered. A lawyer anxious to get there first
could not get near the car. Being a clever sort, he started
shouting loudly, "Let me through! Let me through! I am the
son of the victim." The crowd made way for him.
Lying in front of the car was a donkey.

-------------------------QUICK WIT-------------------------------

[||||] A T T E N T I O N S H O P P E R S ! [||||]

The US Mint will press 650 million Helen Keller quarters that refer to
her 'Bammy roots. (AP)

Including a special inscription for Alabamans that say "Four of these
make a dollar."

Copyright 2002 by Bob Mills, all rights reserved.
http://www.topica.com/lists/funnysideup
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------

A farmer was sitting at the table while his wife was preparing dinner. His
wife dropped a spoon and bent over to pick it up. As she bent over the
farmer said "Honey,your butt is as big as a combine".

The wife picks up the spoon and continues cooking with no comment to her
husband. As she put the dinner on the table she dropped the pepper shaker
on the floor. While she was bent over picking it up the farmer said, "Honey
I take that back. Your butt is as big as two combines!"

The wife picks up the pepper, sets it on the table and begins eating with no
comment to her husband. Later on that night after the couple had gone to
bed the farmer started feeling a little frisky. As he cuddled up to his
wife he noticed that there was no response on her end. He tapped his wife
on the shoulder and asked her what was wrong.

She replied; "Do you really think that I am going to fire up $300,000
dollars worth of machinery for one little corn cob!!"

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--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------

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Effects of Drinking Too Much Water
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Body Language
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---------DUMB CROOK OF THE DAY AWARD---------

A man who use a wire coat hanger to fish a cocaine-
filled balloon from his throat wound up in surgery
after accidentally hooking himself.

Police, however, are having a hard time swallowing
the man's story of how he ingested the balloon and
came to use the hanger that ended up lodged in his
throat.

"I've been here for 23 years, and I've never seen
anything like it," Sgt. Jeff Davis said.

Police were summoned to Via Christi Regional Medical
Center-St. Joseph Campus about 10:30 a.m. by doctors
reporting they had a man in his 20s with a coat
hanger stuck in his throat.

Doctors cut the hanger near the man's mouth to help
him to speak more easily and to offer police an
explanation before being rushed to surgery.

The man said he was at a party when someone slipped
a balloon full of cocaine into his drink.

He said he finished his drink, swallowing its contents
and the balloon in a big gulp. His explanation of how
he came to realize he had swallowed a balloon full of
cocaine wasn't clear, Davis said.

The next morning he straightened a hanger and, tilting
back his head, he worked the hooked end down his throat,
hoping to snag the balloon and pull it out.

Instead, he snared his throat. A friend drove him to the
hospital.

"He was in a lot of pain," Davis said. "He couldn't talk
to us a whole lot."

The man was transferred to the trauma ward at Via Christi
Regional Medical Center-St. Francis Campus, Davis said.
His injuries weren't life-threatening.

Doctors made a large incision in his throat to unhook the
hanger, Davis said.

Hiding drugs in an ingested balloon or condom is not unheard
of, he said.

Removing the balloon with a coat hanger is.

If doctors or police find the balloon of cocaine the man
swallowed, Davis said, he could face drug possession
charges.

---------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------

Politicans and diapers have one thing in common.

They should be changed regularly.....and for the same reason

--------------------------EDITORIAL--------------------------------

Let's Keep Saddam!
by Lynette

Let's keep Saddam Hussein in power!

Yes, I am a loyal American who loves her country and everything it
stands for but let's face it, in a sea of fashion losers, Saddam
stands out.

Just look at what the men of the Middle East wear. I think we
should forget about bombing the hell out of those piddling little
countries and send them all gift subscriptions to GQ and Cosmo.

Every time I see Saddam on TV, he is either wearing a uniform or a
very, nicely tailored suit. Compared to the other yahoos over there
who run around in nighties with tablecloths on their heads, he is
styling.

No, let's keep Saddam and hope his fashion sense rubs off and
influences his fanatical followers. Let's send over some Levis and
t-shirts for the guys and maybe the gals could learn to make Capri
pants out of the tablecloths. Hey, the residents of the Middle East
NEED their MTV.

I just saw a story on the AP wire regarding full-body swimsuits now
favored by devout Muslim women. This has some serious potential. Yes,
in a country where the majority of us are on a diet at any given time
and the rest of us probably should be, full-body swimsuits is an idea
whose time has come.

And I'm not just talking about women here. No, I think this would be a
great idea for guys, too. Several of whom I can think of just right off
the top of my head. I spent a week in Las Vegas earlier this year and
have used the pool at the club a great deal this summer, and folks, let
me tell you, good taste is seriously at risk of becoming extinct.

Don't these people own mirrors? Although to look at some of them,
maybe mirrors don't show their reflection. I have seen men and women in
thong swimsuits, many of whom never intended for their swimsuits to end
up in that location on their bodies. I've seen bikinis stretched beyond
the reasonable level of endurance and far more Spandex than I cared to,
trust me.

My own personal swimsuit has enough "tummy-tucking" material to cause
severe intestinal cramps if worn for more than two hours. I have to take
it off to exhale.

At Vegas, there was this older woman and her two adult daughters who were,
shall we say, generously proportioned. The mother was attempting to get on
top of an inflated floating tube and she was extremely unsuccessful. She
nearly drowned one of her daughters. Each time she skimmed off the top,
the ladies would laugh themselves silly and then try again. I was
laughing so hard; I nearly peed my pants and had to leave before I had an
accident.

There's is this trend among the concave-stomach crowd of wearing jewelry in
or around their belly buttons. I've seen some young girls with so much on,
I'm afraid they'll sink if they ever get in the water. Of course, they do
not actually get into the water, as that would just ruin their hair. If the
young boys wear their jams any longer, they'll soon be in full-body suits
whether they're Muslims or not.

Maybe we could even help Saddam start a trend. George could send him one of
his cowboy hats. Considering how hat wearers drive in this country, maybe
Saddam would crash into a wall next time he's in a tank and that would solve
a lot of problems.

--

Lynette is the writer and creator of the website: www.lynetteisfunny.com.
She lives in Bend, Oregon with her husband and two children. Her family is
the main comedy source for her column although she is not above making up
something just to be funny. Email Lynette at [EMAIL PROTECTED]

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