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Due to demands of my job...todays issue is a rerun of issue # 10 which was
originally published November 4th 2000. All ads have been removed for your
reading pleasure!

If you want to see your name here...send your jokes to:
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Humour-Top ten signs you may not be reading your bible enough

10) The Preacher announces the sermon is from Galatians ...
and you check the table of contents.
9) You think Abraham, Isaac & Jacob may have had a few
hit songs during the 60's.
8) You open to the Gospel of Luke and a WWII Savings Bond
falls out.
7) Your favorite Old Testament patriarch is Hercules.
6) A small family of woodchucks has taken up residence
in Psalms.
5) You become frustrated because Charlton Heston isn't
listed in either the concordance or the table of contents.
4) Catching the kids reading the Song of Solomon, you demand:
"Who gave you this stuff?"
3) You think the minor prophets worked in the quarries.
2) You keep falling for it every time when pastor tells you
to turn to First Condominiums.
1) The kids keep asking too many questions about your usual
bedtime story: "Jonah the Shepherd Boy and His Ark of Many


The duffer muffed his tee shot into the woods, then hit into a few trees,
then proceeded to hit across the fairway into another woods. Finally,
after banging away several more times, he proceeded to hit into a sand

All the while, he'd noticed that the club professional had been watching.

"What club should I use now?" he asked the pro.

"I don't know," the pro replied. "What game are you playing?"


President Clinton was very curious about how the Jewish people knew
everything before he did. So he called the CIA and FBI and asked them to
figure it out. A week later they came back and said, "Mr. President,
the Jews have something called Shabbat, and they meet each other at the
synagogue, and there is a code.

They sit, they pray, and there is a word that is the key to this secret:
"Nu?" When one says to other, "Nu?", the other tells him everything...
every bit of news."

This Clinton wanted to see for himself. The secret service dressed him
like a Hassid, and taught him to read from the right to the left of the
Siddur (prayer book ).

Clinton arrived at a synagogue on Shabbat, and sat beside another
religious man. He waited for a moment, and said, "Nu?" The man
answered... "Shh, Clinton is coming!"

Humour-Little Johnny!

With a list of anatomy on the blackboard, Little Johnny raised his hand
and said he would like to talk about it. The teacher asked which part??
Little Johnny replied he would talk about the penis.

He starts by saying "My daddy has 2 of them". At which time the teacher
attempted to correct him by saying "No, Johnny, you daddy has only

Little Johnny, undeterred replied "Oh yes he does have two. One to
pee through and the other to brush the baby sitters teeth!!"

Weird News

When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on
a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police
arrived at the scene to find an ill man curled up next to a motor
home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man
admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his hose into the
motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle
declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh
he'd ever had.

Weird News is an almost daily feature of Purehumour....if you
come across a "published" weird news story...send it in to
<a href=" mailto:news@;paulsfunhouse.com ">mailto:news@;paulsfunhouse.com</a>
Please include the name of the publication and the date.

A detective who spent his entire career in plain clothes quit the police
force and bought a farm.

"What kind of crops do you plan to grow?" the police chief asked the

"Carrots and potatoes," the man replied.

"Why carrots and potatoes?" asked the chief.

"Because," answered the ex-detective, "I'm very fond of undercover


When my three-year-old son opened the birthday gift from his grandmother, he
discovered a water pistol. He squealed with delight and headed for the
nearest sink. I was not so pleased.

I turned to Mom and said, "I'm surprised at you. Don't you remember how we
used to drive you crazy with water guns?"

Mom smiled and then replied....."I remember."

Humour-A Drinking Classic!

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other
and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after
we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I
shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I
go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease
into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"

His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong
approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps,
throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, slap her on the butt and say, 'you
as horny as I am? ....and, she always acts like she's sound asleep!

Humour-Air India!

But as this was his first time in an aeroplane, he made a few preparations that were out of place. When the stewardess came around to take orders for the in-flight meal, the uncle declared loudly, "I have brought my own lunch. Make sure you don't charge me for food and drinks!"

So, as everybody was given their in-flight meal, the uncle began spreading out his own home-cooked meal. The man sitting next to him was an American history researcher and was curious about the food. "Excuse me, what is that drink?" he asked. The uncle picked up the yogurt-based lassi drink and said, "Milk of India!"

Then the uncle took out several pieces of chappatis and started feasting. "And what is that dish?" asked the curious American. "Wheat of India!" replied the uncle proudly.

Finally, the uncle took out some desserts. He offered some to the American. "What is it?" asked the American. "Sweets of India!" replied the old man.

After the meal, everyone was settling down when there was a loud "Pooooooooot!" sound (fart)from the uncle. "What was that?" asked the American, holding his nose in disgust.

The old man replied coolly, "That's Air India."


While down south on a visit, the young Yankee made
a date with a local lovely. When he called for her,
she was clad in a low-cut, tight-fitting, long dress.

He remarked, "That's certainly a beautiful dress."

"Sho 'nough?" she asked sweetly.

"It sure does," he replied.


The Smith family was very proud that their ancestors had come over on the
Mayflower, so they hired best-selling author Frank McCourt to look up and
write a book about their family history.

Horror of horrors! They discovered that great uncle Fess had died in the
electric chair for committing a murder. They were devastated.

They didn't want that in the book, but they didn't want to leave him out

McCourt said, "Leave it to me."

When the book came out, the section about Uncle Fess read like this:
"He was a man who occupied a great seat. He was attached to his position very firmly. His death came as a great shock."

Final Humour-A Quickie!

<actually NOT A quickie!>

If Tarzan and Jane were Jewish, what would Cheetah be?
A fur Coat

If Tarzan and Jane were Polish, what would Cheetah be?
The Smartest of the three

If Tarzan and Jane were Blacks, what would Cheetah be?
A seat cover in a 1975 Lincoln

If Tarzan and Jane were Italian, what would Cheetah be?
The ceramic lamp on the endtable

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