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<---------------------PHWeekly Joke Ezine!--------------------->
<-------The Little Sister Of Purehumour Joke Ezine------>

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Today's issue includes contributions by: Di Ann, Terri, Pat, SunAmy,
D.A. Funk, Marsha, Colorado Kid, Marina.

If you want to see your name here...send your jokes to:
<a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">Jokes</a>

Lets start with a quickie:

Sign in Chinese Pet Store: 'Buy one dog, get one flea . . .'

--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------

World Map
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Leather N Shades
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Cool Optical Illusion
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Signs You Picked the Wrong Moving Company...
* ~Insists that your panties would be much safer with him in the
cab of the truck.

* ~Great price? Check.
Friendly? Check.
Careful with the China? Check.
Asked for your new address? Uh, oh.

* ~Most of your belongings arrive successfully in Los Angeles.
Your collection of private home videos made with the wife
shows up several weeks later -- on the internet.

* ~Mime Movers is a great concept, but those invisible boxes
don't seem to work very well.

* ~The first load they took was your entertainment center, home
computer, and jewelry. That was two weeks ago.

* ~While emove.com's stock might have doubled in value since it
went public, mentioning a moving van causes some confusion.

* ~The phone number on their business card connects you to the
Crime Stoppers hotline.

* ~They don't use peanuts to pack your fine crystal -- they use
peanut butter.

* ~Nothing gets broken during the loading and unloading, but you
see more crack than a DEA agent.

* ~They assure you that your stuff will get from NY to LA before
you do -- assuming there's not much traffic in the Panama

* ~Upon arrival at your new home, you notice that the driver's
new uniform looks an awful lot like your wife's old wedding

* ~They offer a "Bordello rate" if you allow them to make use of
your bed during transport.

* ~After you call Big Top Movers, a Volkswagen Beetle shows up
and 13 clowns reeking of elephant dung climb out.

* ~When you ask them to be careful with your antique stools, they
assure you that they work gently overnight.

* ~Insists that Swiss cheese, not Styrofoam, makes the best
packing material, and proceeds to wrap china in individual

* ~Before moving the furniture, they remove all the
drawers -- *their* drawers.

* ~As advertised, Big 'Uns Movers showed up in thongs and had
large breasts -- you just didn't expect 250-lb. men with Lynyrd
Skynyrd tattoos on their asses.

* ~Their slogan: "100% satisfaction or your silverware back!"

* ~Attention to detail is a good thing, but the guys at Anal
Retentive Moving Co. insist on un-packing, inspecting and
then re-packing every box.

* ~They keep flicking ashes in Grandma's urn.

* ~The guys from One Glove Movers show up wearing surgical
masks and proceed to carry each item in one gloved hand while
they hold their crotches and moonwalk to the truck.

* ~The first question they ask: "Paper or plastic?"

* ~"Starving Students" were booked solid, and "Thirsty Fratboys"
didn't seem like such a bad idea at the time.

* ~Driver tells you, "She'll make point five past light speed.
She may not look like much, but she's got it where it counts,

* ~An hour after the truck pulls away, all your stuff is listed
on eBay.

* ~You realize they've been a little too thorough when your
nightstand is listed on the inventory as "porno stand."

* ~Reassembling your king-sized bed resulted in lopsided twin
beds and a chin-up bar.

* ~The box marked "TV" is barking.



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------------------------GUS COOKS!------------------------------

Gus really gets cooking...a new strip each day!
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----------------------TODAY IN HISTORY-----------------------

If today is your birthday...you share it with:

1941 Ann Dore McLaughlin US Secretary of Labor (1987- )
1942 Donna McKechnie Pontiac Michigan, actress/dancer (Company)
1944 Joanna Pettet London, actress (Knots Landing, Cry of the Innocent)
1945 Martine van Hamel Belgium, ballerina (NYC Ballet Co)
1948 Steve Railsback actor (Blue Monkey, Green Monkey, Escape 2000)
1950 Carl J Meade Illinois, Major USAF/astronaut (STS 38, sk:STS-50)
1950 David Leisure actor (Joe Isuzu, Airplane, Charley-Empty Nest)
1953 Griff Rhys Jones British humorist/actor (Morons From Outer Space)
1958 Marg Helgenberger North Bend NB, actress (China Beach, Ryan's Hope)
1963 Zina Garrison Houston, tennis player (1988 Olympics Gold, Bronze)
1964 Dwight Gooden pitcher (NY Mets)
1966 Tammy Lauren San Diego CA, actress (Angie, Out of the Blue)
1966 Tricia Cast Medford NY, actress (Amanda-Bad News Bear, Young & Restless)
1967 Lisa Bonet San Francisco CA, actress (Cosby Show, Different World, Angel Heart)
1969 Bryan Abrams vocalist (Color Me Badd-I Want to Sex You Up)
1970 Martha Plimpton actress (Goonies, Mosquito Coast)
1971 Donald Wolf computer game creator
1979 Michael Faustino actor (brother of David)

.....and on this day in history:

1950 UN gets US government approval to issue postage stamps
1955 1st speed-boat to exceed 200 mph (322 kph) (D.M. Campbell)
1957 Ed Gein butchers last victim
1959 "Sound of Music" opens on Broadway
1962 Wilt Chamberlain of NBA San Francisco Warriors scores 73 points vs NY
1963 Toledo, OH newspaper strike began
1964 Radio CJCX Sydney Nova Scotia (Canada) starts short-wave transmission
1965 1st public announcement about Walt Disney World
1965 Venera 3 launched, 1st to land on another planet (crashes into Venus)
1966 Dr Sam Sheppard freed after 9 years in jail, by a jury
1973 John Lennon releases "Mind Games" album
1973 President Nixon authorizes construction of the Alaskan pipeline
1973 Skylab 4 launched into Earth orbit
1974 1st intentional interstellar radio message sent, Arecibo telescope towards M 41, a cluster of stars some 25,000 light years away
1974 John Lennon's #1 solo "Whatever Gets You Through the Night"
1974 Milwaukee Bucks lose their 11th straight NBA game (team record)
1976 Rick Barry (San Francisco), ends then longest NBA free throw streak of 60
1978 Major Indoor Soccer League holds its 1st draft
1979 Paul McCartney releases "Wonderful Christmas"
1981 Luke marries Laura on General Hospital
1982 5th Space Shuttle Mission-Columbia 5-lands at Edwards AFB
1982 Agreement reached ending 57 day football strike
1984 14th Shuttle Mission (51A) -Discovery 2- lands at Kennedy Center
1984 Houston blocks 20 Denver shots tying NBA regulation game record
1984 John Lennon releases "Every Man has a Woman Who Loves Him"
1987 Lisa Bonet marries Lenny Kravitz
1987 Paul McCartney releases "Once Upon a Long Ago"
1988 Benazir Bhutto wins 1st free Pakistani elections in 11 years
1988 Estonia declares sovereignty in internal affairs
1988 Robin Givens sues Mike Tyson for $125 million for libel
1989 6 Jesuit priests are killed by El Salvadorian troops
1990 Manuel Noriega claims US denied him a fair trial

2002 http://www.scopesys.com/today/

A guy is walking along when suddenly he got his foot caught and stuck in
some railroad tracks.

He tried to get it out but it was really stuck in there well. He heard a
noise and turned around to see a train coming.

He panicked and started to pray, "God, please get my foot out of these
tracks and I'll stop drinking!"

Nothing happened, it was still stuck, and the train was getting closer! He
prayed again, "God, please get my foot out and I'll stop drinking AND

Still nothing.....and the train was just seconds away! He tried it one more
time, "God please, if you get my foot out of the tracks, I'll quit drinking,
cussing, AND smoking!"

Suddenly his foot shot out of the tracks and he was able to dive out of the
way, just as the train passed!...

... He got up, dusted himself off, looked toward Heaven and said "Thanks
anyway God, I got it myself."

-----------------------QUICK QUOTE----------------------------

To make an apple pie from scratch, you must
first invent the universe.
-Carl Sagan

--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------

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Osama Swing Set
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Ole and Sven are neighbors in Southern Manitoba. Ole is in need of
a new milk cow. He hears about a nice one for sale over the border
in Minnesota.

He drives over to Minnesota, looks at the cow, and reaches under
to see if she gives milk. When he grabs the teat and pulls, the
cow breaks wind.

Ole is very surprised, looks at the farmer who is selling the cow,
and reaches under the cow to try again. He grabs another teat,
pulls, and the cow farts again. Milk does come out, however, so
after some discussion, Ole decides to buy the cow anyway and take
it home.

He calls over his neighbor, Sven, and says, "Come here and look at
dis new cow I just bought. Pull her teat, and see what happens."

Sven reaches under and pulls; the cow farts. Sven looks at Ole and
says, "You bought this cow in Minnesota, yah?"

Ole is very surprised and says, "Yah, dats right, how did you

Sven says, "My wife is from Minnesota."

-------------------------A DOG'S WORLD------------------------

A Dog's World is a continuing story that will appear in each
issue...miss a segment?...then check out the archives at:

Sam looked around at the others and with his head
starting to bow down he announced, "Men, we are

"I think that's a little harsh." Replied Prince.

"Think about it." Sam implored. "Here we are a pack
of supposedly ferocious dogs and a few cat eyes has
us all spooked."

Rex brought his glance up from the hole and glared at
Sam. "Hey genius, I think the comet is what really spooked
us. I'm sick of you acting like you know what to do. A
friggin comet hit the earth and you act like we should
just whip out our trusty comet emergency handbooks."

Copyright 2001-02 D. Scott
Check out more at: http://www.humorcorner.com
--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------

You Never Really Learn To Cuss Till
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I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear
loose fitting clothing. If I had any loose fitting
clothing, I wouldn't have signed up for the
fucking exercise class!


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Recent research shows that there are five kinds of sex.

The first kind of sex is Smurf Sex. This kind of sex happens when you
first meet someone and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.

The second kind of sex is Kitchen Sex. This is when you have been with
your partner for a short time and you are so horny you will have sex
anywhere, even in the kitchen.

The third kind of sex is Bedroom Sex. This is when you have been with
your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you
usually have sex in your bedroom.

The fourth kind of sex is Hallway Sex. This is when you have been with
your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you
both say "Fuck You".

The fifth kind of sex is Courtroom Sex. This is when you cannot stand
your wife any more. She takes you to court and screws you in front of

--------------FROM THE BATHROOM WALL -------------

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

-------------------------QUIZ QUEEN------------------------------

8. Rugby is played in more than 80 countries. Which country has the most

A. Japan
B. Britain
C. New Zealand
D. Argentina

<Answers in Next Issue!>


Last Issue's Answers:

Which is NOT a trait of the African gray parrot?

C. Toolmaking skills equal to apes

Copyright 2002 Dawggone Communications
Website: http://quizqueen.net

While carpenters were working outside the old house I had
just bought, I busied myself with indoor cleaning. I had just
finished washing the floor when one of the workmen asked
to use the bathroom.

With dismay I looked from his muddy boots to my newly
scrubbed floors. "Just a minute," I said, thinking of a quick
solution. "I'll put down newspapers."

"That's all right, lady," he responded. "I'm already trained."

--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------

Diaper Change
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Who Let The Cat Out Of The Bag
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Texas Car Wash
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---------------NON SMOKING SECTION-------------------------

<To comply with recent internet law changes...Purehumour will
now present a daily non-smoking section...this section is fully
smoke-free...I do not smoke while creating it...and you are
requested not to smoke while you read it! You co-operation
is expected.>

A man walks into the front door of a bar. He is
obviously drunk, and staggers up to the bar, seats
himself on a stool and, with a belch, asks the bartender
for a drink. The bartender politely informs the man that
it appears that he has already had plenty to drink, he
could not be served additional liquor at this bar, and
could a cab be called for him?

The drunk is briefly surprised, then softly scoffs,
grumbles, climbs down off the bar stool and staggers out
the front door. A few minutes later, the same drunk
stumbles in the SIDE door of the bar. He wobbles up to
the bar and hollers for a drink. The bartender comes over
and, still politely - but more firmly, refuses service to
the man due to his inebriation, and again offers to call a
cab. The drunk looks at the bartender for a moment angrily,
curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while
grumbling and shaking his head.

A few minutes later, the same drunk bursts in through the
BACK door of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool,
gathers his wits and belligerently orders a drink. The
bartender comes over and emphatically reminds the man that
he is clearly drunk, will be served no drinks, and either a
cab or the police will be called immediately.

The surprised drunk looks at the bartender, and in hopeless
anguish, cries "MAAAN! How many bars do you work at?

<End of non-smoking section...please light your tobacco products
once more>
---------------DUSTING OFF THE ARCHIVES---------------

In an attempt to boost the number of visits to the Purehumour
archives...in each issue I will highlight today's date in the archives
from the past three years...take a look at todays issue in history
to see how Purehumour has evolved and what was funny in the

The 50th Edition of PHWeekly: November 16th 2001:
<a href=" http://www.escribe.com/humor/pj/m753.html ">Click</a>


Do you love PHWeekly? Enough to open your wallet a little?
If you wish to donate to support the continue success of this
ezine...please visit the link below...no amount is too small!
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--------------------IT'S NOT PUNNY!------------------------------

Jimmy's class was having a lesson in English grammar. The teacher called
on Jimmy to give an example of a sentence with a direct object. After
thinking it over, Jimmy stood up and said, 'Teacher, everybody thinks
you are beautiful.' 'Why, thank you, Jimmy,' replied the teacher, 'but
what is the direct object?' 'A good report card next month.' was the

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A woman had gained a few pounds. It was most
noticeable to her when she squeezed into a
pair of her old blue jeans.

Wondering if the added weight was noticeable
to everyone else, she asked her husband,
"Honey, do these jeans make me look like
the side of the house?"

"No, dear, not at all," he replied.

"Our house isn't blue."


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The clerk showed the guy the store's most expensive perfume.
"This is called 'Perhaps,'" said the sales clerk.
"It's $285 per ounce."

"Listen," the guy shot back, "for $285 an ounce, I don't
want something called 'Perhaps'; I want something called,
"You Can Bet Your Happy ASS You'll Get Some!"

--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------

How To Make A Kid Cry
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Lloyd Bridges The Early Years
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Dead End
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-------------------------WEIRD NEWS---------------------------

[Didn't we already go through this with Mr Clinton?]

A group of Taiwanese judges and lawyers say oral
sex isn't intercourse and so isn't adultery.

Judges are not bound by the decision but it can be
used as a reference in future cases.

Forty-nine of 60 judges and lawyers support the view
that intercourse means genital-to-genital contact.

The opposing camp at the law-making forum says sexual
intercourse should refer to any form of genital

But a spokesman for Taiwan's High Court says there is
no law stating whether oral sex is a form of intercourse
and so judges are left to make their own decisions.

The spokesman added: "Whatever decision these partici-
pants came up with during the meeting will only be a
reference for judges when they handle similar cases in
the future."

An unnamed Taipei judge who opposed the decision told
the Taipei Times the conclusion could influence decisions
in future trials.

He suggests the country's Criminal Code be amended to
state clearly that oral sex constitutes sexual

Weird News is a daily feature of Purehumour...it contains
a previously published News Report. If you find an article
that you wish to see here..please send the article, name of
the publication and date to:
<a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">News</a>
IF you like Weird News...subscribe to my weekly ezine of
Weird News Weekly:
<a href=" http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com ">Lists</a>

The veterinarian told Anni, the blonde, that
her dog, Bubbles needed some exercise.

"You need to make sure that Bubbles runs around,"
the doctor said. "Try playing a game of fetch."

"I can't play fetch with my dog," Anni said.

"Why not?" the doctor asked.

"Because," Anni replied, "Bubbles can't throw."

-------------------------QUICK WIT-------------------------------

[||||] O B J E C T I O N M ' L O R D [||||]

In Tower of Londonville, Liz2 addressed Parliament calling for stiffer
criminal penalties, junking the rule against double jeopardy and giving
the Bailey's powdered wiggers power to impose stricted sentences.

And there are rumors that she wanted to bring back beheading and rename
the British Empire "Texas."

Copyright 2002 by Bob Mills, all rights reserved.

A mother skunk was always in a panic because she
couldn't keep track of her two tiny ones. One was
named Out and the other In. When Out was in, In was
out. One day she saw Out but couldn't find In. She
told Out to go out and bring In in. In about twenty
seconds, Out brought In in. Surprised, the mother
skunk asked, "How did you find him so fast?"
The tiny skunk answered, "It was easy - In stinct!"


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--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------

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Why Santa Was Late Delivering The Presents
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---------DUMB CROOK OF THE DAY AWARD---------

Kentville, Nova Scotia - Who let the dogs out? A Kings
County car thief who ditched a stolen car and fled into
the woods near Canning on Monday might have asked that

Police dogs from across the province were participating
in training exercises at nearby Camp Aldershot and were
on the scene in minutes.

"He smartened up right quick when he heard the dogs
barking," Const. Ken Fraser of Kentville police said

The suspect wasted little time coming out of the woods
and surrendering to RCMP. He told officers he'd seen
too many movies to mess around with police dogs.

A 1989 Chevrolet Corsica owned by a Canning woman was
stolen from a Kentville parking lot between 11:30 a.m.
and 1 p.m. Monday. Kentville police informed Kings RCMP.

Ironically, the daughter of the car's owner spotted the
vehicle in Canning near the local high school. She tried
to wave the car over but failed, and the hapless driver
went into the ditch.

He then climbed out of the car and fled.

RCMP were called, and Const. Fraser said two or three
canine units took part in the chase - to the tune of Who
Let the Dogs Out, which was playing in one of the dog
handlers' vehicles.

"He chose the wrong time and the wrong place to steal a
vehicle," said RCMP Const. Gary Smith. "Because there was
an exercise going on in the area, we were able to send
several dogs."

Police later learned that the car thief's joyride had taken
him across Kings County as far as Greenwood before heading
to Canning.


Why don't homosexuals like chess?

Because every so often, they have to sacrifice a queen.




If you thought Saddam Hussein, the longtime president of
Iraq, was a dictator, you're probably still reeling from the
recent election, which established Hussein as the most
popular leader in the history of the world.

In fact, compared to him, George W. Bush seems as popular in
America as bacon bits in Baghdad.

Iraq has 11,445,638 eligible voters and every single one of
them cast ballots, according to Iraqi officials. As if that
isn't impressive enough, Hussein received 100% of the vote.
Even his camels voted for him.

The word "astounding" doesn't begin to describe these
results. The state of Florida has already sent a delegation
to Iraq to learn how to run an election.

They're trying to determine how Iraq managed a 100% turnout,
when a 40% turnout is considered a major success in Florida,
even if half the voters have to be rounded up from bingo

Truth is, Florida Governor Jeb Bush can't even imagine a
turnout higher than 60% -- and that's just at his dinner
table. To achieve a 100% turnout on election day, he'd have
to offer Floridians something that would greatly improve
their lives, such as a year's supply of Metamucil. (They may
take democracy for granted, but certainly not fiber.)

But a 100% turnout was apparently no big deal in Iraq,
especially since people were eager to support their
president, show a united front against America, and get free
candy and T-shirts.

Imagine the sacrifices that were made. Some pregnant women
postponed labor to visit the polls. "I voted for Mr.
Hussein," one woman said. "And so did my baby."

Sick people left hospitals to vote, some walking, others
crawling. One patient jumped off the operating table,
saying, "I need to get to the voting booth. All my doctors
have gone there."

Voters were given two choices in the election: "yes" and
"no." And 100% of them voted "yes," giving their president a
resounding victory over the word "no." Who knew democracy
could be so simple?

It was Hussein's best performance in an election. In 1995,
he received 99.96% of the vote. Only a few thousand people
voted "no." May they all rest in peace.

With only one presidential candidate, Iraqi elections are
rather predictable. But how can you blame Hussein? All his
opponents have either died or left the country. "I can't run
for president," one opponent said. "I'm too busy running
from president."

Iraqi-style democracy may seem strange, but no stranger than
democracy in a number of countries, including Zimbabwe and
Pakistan. After millions of votes are cast, the president
always claims victory, proud that his people picked him to
do the vote-rigging.

American democracy is far better, but less than perfect.
When only two parties have real power, when a candidate can
win the popular vote, but lose the election, when money is
often more important than message, when many people are
reluctant to vote, don't be surprised if Saddam Hussein
looks over here and laughs. Especially after he has had a
few beers.

"Those Amreekans! They think they have democracy. They
don't even let their goats vote."

(c) Copyright 2002 Melvin Durai. All Rights Reserved.

Melvin Durai is an Indiana-based writer and
humorist. A native of India, he grew up in Zambia
and moved to the U.S. in the early 1980s. Read his
previous columns at http://www.melvindurai.com
For a free subscription to his columns,
send a blank

Your article length submissions are welcome...send your
humourous submissions of between 300 and 500 words to:
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Editorial comments expressed here are copyright the writer and
may not be reproduced in whole or in part without the expressed
written consent of the writer and also the editor of Purehumour.
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