©¿©<--------- http://www.paulsfunhouse.com --------->©¿©
and
©¿©<----------The Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour ---------->©¿©
presents

<---------------------PHWeekly Joke Ezine!--------------------->
<-------The Little Sister Of Purehumour Joke Ezine------>

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Today's issue includes contributions by: SunAmy, Ann, Falcon, Barbara,
Aimee, Terri, Tom, Nisson, Carol.

If you want to see your name here...send your jokes to:
<a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">Jokes</a>

©¿©-------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------©¿©
Lets start with a quickie:

How many Rednecks does it take to change a
lamp?

Irrelevant, the moment they realize it is
made of glass and has a metallic threaded
cap in the end, they think it's a liquor
bottle and spend the time trying to open
it...
©¿©--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------©¿©

Go To The Ends Of The Earth For Me
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Krispy Kreme Kalendar
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Banana Flasher
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AIDS Notice
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Worst Yeast Infection Ever Seen
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Bite Me
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©¿©------------------------SPONSOR---------------------------------©¿©
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©¿©--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------©¿©


This guy walks into a doctor's office with a frog on his head.

The doctor says, "what seems to be the problem?"

The frog says, "I don't know, but I woke up
this morning with a big bump on my ass!"

©¿©--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------©¿©

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©¿©------------------------GUS COOKS!------------------------------©¿©

Gus really gets cooking...a new strip each day!
<a href="http://www.guscooks.com/strips.php";>Click</a>
http://www.guscooks.com/strips.php

©¿©----------------------TODAY IN HISTORY-----------------------©¿©

If today is your birthday...you share it with:

1951 Henk Temming Dutch vocalist/keyboardist (Good Cause)
1953 Bertin Osborne Italian entertainer
1954 Gianfranco Jannuzzo Italian entertainer
1954 Julie Halston actress (Juror, Drunks, Addams Family Values)
1954 Mike Nolan rocker
1955 Priscilla Barnes Fort Dix NJ, actress (License to Kill, Three's Company)
1956 Larry Bird hoop star (Boston Celtics)
1957 Geoff "Henry" Lawson cricketer (Australian fast bowler 1980-89)
1957 Rohan Jayasekera cricketer (one Test Sri Lanka vs Pakistan 1982)
1958 Edd Hall TV announcer (Jay Leno's Tonight Show)
1959 Salim Yousuf cricketer (Pakistani wicket-keeper in 32 Tests 1986-90)
1961 Mary Beth Evans Pasadena CA, actress (Katherine Ashton-General Hospital)
1962 Grecia Colmenares Italian entertainer
1963 Barbara Weathers vocalist (Atlantic Star-Touch a 4 Leaf Clover)
1963 Kristi Albers El Paso TX, LPGA golfer (1993 Sprint Classic)
1964 Duncan Miller rocker (Blue Mercedes-Rich & Famous)
1964 Mike Nolan rocker (Bucks Fizz-My Camera Never Lies)
1964 Peter Laviolette Norwood MA, US hockey defenseman (Olympics-1994)
1965 Peter Draisaitl Karvina Czechoslovakia, hockey forward (Team Germany 1998)
1966 C Thomas Howell Los Angeles CA, actor (Red Dawn, Tank, Soul Man)
1967 Tino Martinez Tampa FL, 1st baseman (Seattle Mariner, New York Yankees)
1967 Vaclav Chalupa Czechoslovakia, rower (Henley Royal Regatta 1989)
1968 Cammy Myler Plattsburgh NY, luger (Olympics-1994)
1968 Keith Goganious NFL linebacker (Jacksonville Jaguars)
1968 Melissa Iverson Anoka MN, rower (Olympics-96)
1968 Ricky Ervins NFL running back (San Francisco 49ers)
1968 Tom Myslinski NFL guard (Jacksonville Jaguars, Pittsburgh Steelers)
1969 Sabine Hack West Germany, tennis star
1970 Courtney Browne cricketer (West Indies Test wicket-keeper 1995)
1970 Ed Robinson WLAF linebacker (Frankfurt Galaxy)
1970 Rob Olson Victoria British Columbia, Canadian Tour golfer (1990 Newlands Open)
1971 Ben Atkins New York NY, fencer-epee (Olympics-96)
1971 Mauricio Hadad Cali Colombia, tennis star (1995 Bermuda)
1972 Bobby Schoonens soccer player (RKC)
1972 Clay Shiver corner (Dallas Cowboys)
1972 Jordi Buritlo Spain, tennis star
1972 Kevin Dogins corner (Tampa Bay Buccaneers)
1972 Sunny [Tamara Fytch] WWF model
1973 Mark Hartsell WLAF QB (Scotland Claymores)
1973 Rea Marie Bavilla Miss USA-Alaska (1997)
1973 Terrell Owens wide receiver (San Francisco 49ers)
1974 Alex Radutescu Romania, tennis star
1974 Annette Salmeen 200 meter butterfly/800 meter freestyle relay (Olympics-96)
1975 Nikola Wapzarow writer
1977 Fernando Vargas Oxnard CA, welterweight boxer (Olympics-96)
1977 Francesca Lubiani Bologna Italy, tennis star (Futures-Amadora-POR)

.....and on this day in history:

1952 KKTV TV channel 11 in Colorado Springs-Pueblo CO (CBS) 1st broadcast
1953 Israel's PM Ben-Gureon retires
1954 Japanese government of Joshida resigns
1955 Clement Attlee resigns as chairman of England's Labour Party
1956 Helen O'Connell joins the Today Show panel
1957 Tony Kubek of the Yankees selected as American League Rookie of the Year
1958 Rómulo Bétancourt elected President of Venezuela
1959 "Saratoga" opens at Winter Garden Theater NYC for 80 performances
1960 Ivory Coast claims independence from France
1962 Great Britain performs nuclear test at Nevada Test Site
1963 Ian Meckiff no-balled for throwing against the South Africans
1964 George Harrison changes his company's name from Mornyork to Harrisongs
1965 Pope Paul VI & Orthodox Patriarch Athenagoras I simultaneously lift mutual excommunications that led to split of the 2 churches in 1054
1967 Otis Rescue records "Sittin' on the Dock of the Bay"
1968 Richard Dodd returns a library book his great grandfather borrowed in 1823 to the University of Cincinatti; the $22,646 fine went unpaid
1970 West Germany & Poland normalize relations
1971 Wings release their 1st album "Wild Life"
1972 Apollo 17 (US), final manned lunar landing mission (last of Apollo Moon series), launched
1973 Wings release "Band on the Run"
1975 Indonesian army occupies East Timor
1975 Pat Bradley wins Colgate-Far East Ladies Tournament Golf Tournament
1977 Islander Billy Smith's 10th shut-out opponent-Black Hawks 4-0
1981 Spain becomes a member of the NATO
1982 Suriname army under Desi Bouterse fires on radio station building
1983 France performs nuclear test at Muruora Island
1985 Atlantis returns to Kennedy Space Center via Kelly AFB
1985 51st Heisman Trophy Award: Bo Jackson, Auburn (RB)
1986 Juli Inkster/Tom Purtzer win LPGA J C Penney Golf Classic
1986 President Jean-Claude Duvalier flees Haïti
1987 43 die in Pacific Southwest Airline crash in California (man shot pilots)
1988 Earthquake in Armenia - 6.9 on the Richter scale (>100,000 killed, 5,000,000 homeless)
1989 C Coleman & D Zippel's musical "City of Angels" premieres in New York NY
1990 Ted Turner & Jane Fonda announce their engagement
1991 A J Kitt, US, wins World Skiing Cup
1992 Galileo spacecraft passes North Pole of Moon (Peary Crater)
1993 Robert Goulet undergoes prostate cancer surgery
1994 Radio personality Howard Stern talks a man out of attempting suicide
1995 US space probe Galileo begins orbiting Jupiter
1996 Space Shuttle STS 80 (Columbia 21), lands
1997 Amy Fruhwirth & Clarence Rose win LPGA J C Penney Classic

©2002 http://www.scopesys.com/today/
©¿©--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------©¿©

Top Ten Signs your Police partner needs a vacation...

10) He keeps handcuffing himself by accident.
9) He is starting to develop a crush on one of the transvestite
hookers he arrested.
8) He wants to transfer to a K-9 unit because he thinks he'd look
good in a collar.
7) He talks to himself. Half of him is the "good cop", and the
other half is the "bad cop."
6) He wants you to call him "Judge Dredd", and he insists that all
suspects should be executed right there on the spot.
5) He keeps asking you if his bullet proof vest makes him look fat.
4) He is exchanging donut recipes with complete strangers.
3) The perpetrators beg him to stop talking about his hemorrhoids.
2) Every Tuesday he insists it's his turn to be the siren.
1) He wants to hear less talk and more music on the police channel.

©¿©-----------------------QUICK QUOTE----------------------------©¿©

"When I'm good, I'm very, very good, but when I'm bad, I'm better!"
-Mae West

©¿©--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------©¿©

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Stiff Nipples
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©¿©--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------©¿©

A tough old cowboy once counseled his grandson that if he wanted to
live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a little gunpowder on his
oatmeal every morning.

The grandson did this religiously and he lived to the very old age
of 93.

When he died, he left 14 children, 28 grandchildren, 35 great
grandchildren, and a fifteen foot hole in the wall of the crematorium

©¿©-------------------------A DOG'S WORLD------------------------©¿©

A Dog's World is a continuing story that will appear in each
issue...miss a segment?...then check out the archives at:
http://www.escribe.com/humor/pj

The cat wasn't afraid. "I'd like to see you fit that
big fat head of yours in this hole Sparky."

Rex was ready to lunge but for some reason he didn't.

Sam broke the silence. "Look, we're just trying to
figure out what happened is all."

"WHAT HAPPENED"? The cat exclaimed. "A comet hit the
earth and wiped everything out dogbrain"!

"I know that." Sam replied. "Why didn't it wipe us
out"?

Neither dog nor cat had that answer but they all sat
still for a minute, hoping the answer would come.

The dogs sat by the cat hole wanting to ask questions
but were inexplicably afraid to do so. After minutes
of silence the cat spoke up. "The name is Gus and are
there just six of you"?

"Yeah just us six." Sam answered. "How many of you"?

"Eighteen of us down here." The cat replied.

Rex was thinking to himself but spoke loud enough for
all to hear, "That's one hell of a hole."

"That's right Sparky." The cat said. "Don't ever let it
be said that cats are not prepared for the worst."

Copyright 2001-02 D. Scott
Check out more at: http://www.humorcorner.com
©¿©--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------©¿©

Shop Till You Drop
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Sign Language For A Deaf Date
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Effects Of Viagra
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Problem Flow Sheet
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©¿©--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------©¿©

This guy and his girlfriend head to the
local bar. The girl says she'll be
happy to pick up the round as she's
heard of a new drink she wants him to try.

She gets back to the table and has two
drinks for him. One is a measure of Bailey's. The
other full of lime juice.

She says, "Ok, what you have to do is
swig the Bailey's, hold it in your mouth,
and then drink the lime juice."

He looks a little dubious but does as
he's told because she's really cute
when she's enthusiastic.

First he swallows the Bailey's.
Smooth. Creamy. A warm feeling in his mouth.
Then he chugs the lime juice.

After about a second, the cream in the
Bailey's curdles in his mouth.
Two seconds into it his face turns the
color of fresh lime juice.
Three seconds and he finally calms his
stomach enough to swallow the mess.

As he makes a face, she whispers
sweetly in his ear,"It's called 'Blowjob
Revenge'."

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©¿©------------------------STRANGE BREED!-------------------------©¿©

If you like funny, wacky, and clean cartoons, then check out
"Strange Breed". It's sure to make you and your whole family
laugh."

<a href="http://www2.hi.net/s4/strangebreed.htm";>Click</a>
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©¿©--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------©¿©

A priest decides one mid weekday to visit one of his
elderly parishoners, Mrs Smith. He rings the door bell
and Mrs Smith appears.

"Good Day Mrs Smith. I just thought I would drop by
and see how your are doing"

The woman says, "Oh just fine Father, come on in and
we'll have some tea."

While sitting a the coffee table, the priest notices a
bowl of almonds on the table. "Mind if I have one?",
the priest says.

"Not at all, have as many as you like".

After a few hours the priest looks at his watch and
alarmed at how long he has been visting says to Mrs
Smith, "Oh my goodness, look at the time. I must be going.
Oh but dear me I have eaten all your almonds. I'll
have to replace them next time I visit."

To which Mrs Smith replied, "Oh don't bother Father.
Ever since I lost all my teeth, it's all I can do
just to suck the chocolate off them."

©¿©--------------FROM THE BATHROOM WALL -------------©¿©

You disagree? May I plea guilty by reason of sanity?

©¿©-------------------------QUIZ QUEEN------------------------------©¿©

African elephants differ from Asian elephants. Which is NOT a way they differ?

A. Africans are larger and have broader ears
B. Africans are lighter in color
C. Africans are slightly sway-backed
D. Africans have no tusks

<Answers in Next Issue!>

03/11

Last Issue's Answers:

Female lions belong to prides. What do male lions join?

C. Coalitions

© Copyright 2002 Dawggone Communications
Website: http://quizqueen.net
Subscribe: [EMAIL PROTECTED]
©¿©--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------©¿©

A man was sitting in his attorney's office.

"Do you want the bad news first or the terrible news?"
the lawyer said.

"Give me the bad news first."

"Your wife found a picture worth a half-million dollars."

"That's the bad news?" asked the man incredulously.

"I can't wait to hear the terrible news."

"The terrible news is that it's of you and your secretary.

©¿©--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------©¿©

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Colonel Sanders
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Damn Car Salesman
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Jobless Man
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©¿©---------------NON SMOKING SECTION-------------------------©¿©

<To comply with recent internet law changes...Purehumour will
now present a daily non-smoking section...this section is fully
smoke-free...I do not smoke while creating it...and you are
requested not to smoke while you read it! You co-operation
is expected.>

[A Classic!]

This farmer has a cross-eyed cow that keeps bumping into things. He
calls up to vet to try to remedy the problem. The vet says. "I think the
best thing is to stick a pipe up his ass and blow real hard and the
cow's eyes will straighten out.

The vet - a 70 year old man - inserts the pipe in the cow's ass and
blows. The cows eyes begin to straighten, but the vet soon looses his
breath and the cows eyes are crossed again. The vet gives it another
try, but looses his breath agin. The vet looks at the farmer - a young
healthy man - and says, you look like a strong man, why don't you give
it a try.

The farmer agrees. He then takes the pipe out of the cow's ass, turns it
around, and sticks it back in. He then begins to blow.

Holy smokes, says the vet. What in the hell did you do that for.

The farmer replies, "You don't think I am gonna put my mouth on the same
end of the pipe that you had yours on."

<End of non-smoking section...please light your tobacco products
once more>
©¿©---------------DUSTING OFF THE ARCHIVES---------------©¿©

In an attempt to boost the number of visits to the Purehumour
archives...in each issue I will highlight today's date in the archives
from the past three years...take a look at todays issue in history
to see how Purehumour has evolved and what was funny in the
past!

December 7th 2000:

<a href=" http://www.escribe.com/humor/pj/m572.html ">Click</a>
http://www.escribe.com/humor/pj/m572.html

©¿©--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------©¿©

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ezine...please visit the link below...no amount is too small!
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©¿©--------------------IT'S NOT PUNNY!------------------------------©¿©

A leopard entered the Jungle Olympics every four years and always won
the gold medal in the Long Jump. He got tired of this and the next
Olympics decided try the High Jump and the Javelin. He did very poorly
in both, thus proving that a leopard can't change his sports.

©¿©------------------------TIMEKILLER-------------------------------©¿©

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©¿©--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------©¿©

Little Johnny's teacher sent a note home to his
Mother saying, "Johnny seems to be a very bright
boy, but spends too much of his time thinking
about sex and girls."

The Mother wrote back the next day, "If you find
a solution, please advise. I have the same problem
with his Father."

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©¿©--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------©¿©

A newly wed couple were looking to decorate their new house. Whilst
bargain hunting, they found an unusual mirror, which the shop owner
states is "magical".

The couple buy the mirror, and place it on the back of their bedroom
door.

One day the wife decided to test the mirror out, and whilst looking
into the mirror said: "Mirror, mirror on the door, Make my boobs
size 44."

And lo and behold it came true! She ran down the stairs to show her
husband, who was utterly amazed. He proceeded to run up to the bed-
room, and whilst looking in the mirror he said: "Mirror, mirror on
the door, Make my manhood touch the floor."

And then his legs fell off.

©¿©--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------©¿©

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©¿©-------------------------WEIRD NEWS---------------------------©¿©

A man who tried to rob the branch of Kentucky Fried
Chicken where he was employed, turned up for work as
normal three days later.

Aaron Bell from West Philadelphia didn't wear a mask
or any disguise and nor did he try to hide his face.

The 19-year-old cook didn't get any money, apparently
not knowing the safe he tried to force his boss to open
was time-locked.

An unidentified accomplice was with Bell at the time
of the robbery.

Bell was arrested after he returned to work three days
after the robbery attempt in October 2001.

"He was acting like nothing had happened," said a Phila-
delphian Assistant District Attorney.

A jury convicted Bell of robbery and conspiracy. Four of
his co-workers, including the manager, testified about
what happened in the restaurant and had no trouble
identifying Bell.

"It's just like you basically have to ask yourself what
was he thinking," said the Attorney.

Sentencing is scheduled for January 15, says the Phila-
delphia Daily News.

Weird News is a daily feature of Purehumour...it contains
a previously published News Report. If you find an article
that you wish to see here..please send the article, name of
the publication and date to:
<a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">News</a>
IF you like Weird News...subscribe to my weekly ezine of
Weird News Weekly:
<a href=" http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com ">Lists</a>
©¿©--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------©¿©

Sam and Anni were planning to go on a second honeymoon for
their 50th wedding anniversary. Anni said, "We will
go to all the same places that we did on our first honeymoon."

"Uh huh," said Sam

"We will do all the things that we did on our first honeymoon?"
asked Anni .

"Uh huh," said Sam.

"And we will make love like we did on our first honeymoon?" asked
Anni.

"That's right," said Sam, "except this time I get to sit
on the side of the bed and cry, 'It's too big, it's too big!'"

©¿©-------------------------QUICK WIT-------------------------------©¿©

[||||] R A I L S P L I T T E R S [||||]

The Carnival party scow Fascination returned to Miami after 190
stateroomers were Norwald Virused. (LAD/12/3)

Carnival revelers haven't experienced nausea like that since Kathy Lee
Gifford retired.

Copyright © 2002 by Bob Mills, all rights reserved.
http://www.topica.com/lists/funnysideup
©¿©--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------©¿©

Grandma Goldberg, a woman of 85, was slowly ambling down the
street when she met her physician Dr. Cohen.

Dr. Cohen, a dapper graying man in his early 60's asked the elderly
lady---"Mrs. Goldberg how are you feeling?"

For a long moment the woman gave the good doctor a terrible stare
and then she said--"You ask me how I'm feeling! I'll tell you how
I'm feeling!! My legs hurt, my chest is sore, my heart is beating too fast
and I can't sleep!!! I have horrible headaches and stomach pains too!"

The good doctor looked at the elderly lady with compassion. "If you're
feeling so awful, why don't you come and see me right away?"

Grandma Goldberg let out a sigh and said, "I was just waiting until I
felt a little better."

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©¿©---------DUMB CROOK OF THE DAY AWARD---------©¿©

An escaped prisoner flagged down a bus to make his
getaway only to find it was full of policemen look-
ing for him.

Sergio Vilas Boas escaped from a police station in
Belo Horizonte, Brazil, and stopped the first bus
he saw.

But it was owned by the city's police station and was
being used by officers trying to track him down.

Vilas Boas was being held, awaiting trial, after he
was arrested at a football match where he was caught
allegedly carrying three handguns.

He made his escape after asking to make a phone call
and then overpowering the police officer who was
guarding him.

O Estado de S Paulo Online reports that the bus was
full of "many policemen" who immediately arrested and
handcuffed him.

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©¿©---------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------©¿©

What do you get when you kiss a bird?

"Chirpies". It's a canarial disease. Don't laugh! There's
no tweetment!

©¿©--------------------------EDITORIAL--------------------------------©¿©

=========================
THE HUMOR OF MELVIN DURAI
=========================

"LEAVE YOUR CHILDREN IN THE DUST"

I used to think that scientific researchers had one main
goal in life: spoiling our fun. If they found us eating
meat, they'd show us we're at risk for heart disease. If
they found us smoking, they'd show us we're at risk for lung
cancer. If they found us wrestling, they'd show us we're at
risk for brain atrophy.

Scientist: "My research shows that your wrestling career,
with so little brain activity, may result in atrophy."

Professional wrestler: "Wow! That's great news! I've always
wanted a trophy."

My skepticism about researchers is fading though, thanks
partly to a new study that promises to make my life easier.
The study suggests that a dusty home may be healthier for
children.

No, that's not a misprint. Dust is good for kids, according
to the surprising study, which wasn't sponsored by the
Hoover Vacuum Co.

Apparently, early exposure to germs in household dust helps
children build strong immune systems, protecting them from
developing allergies or asthma. Excuse me for a moment while
I slide my four-month-old daughter across the back of my
television set. Nothing like solving two problems at once!

Next time my wife complains about dust in our home, I'm
going to shake my head and say, "Please try to think about
the baby! She needs all the dust she can get. Why else do
you think I've been emptying the dustpan in her crib?
Instead of complaining, you should be nominating me for
Father of the Year."

Some of my friends, I'm sorry to report, have spotless,
immaculate homes. Their children can't even find dirt on
their television sets, except by watching Howard Stern.
Someone ought to call the health department. Their homes may
need to be quarantined. Perhaps they should be required to
take a course in hygiene.

Allergies are a growing problem in industrialized countries,
what with everyone relying on antibiotics and antibacterial
cleaners to keep germs away. If there's one word that
captures the obsessive cleanliness of today's generations,
it's "Atchoo!"

My wife has long warned me about household cleaners,
concerned that they do more harm than good. Indeed, some of
the chemicals I've used in our bathroom are so powerful,
there's a law against exporting them to Iraq. We wouldn't
want Mr. Hussein to get his hands on Mr. Clean.

In case you're wondering, the study was conducted in
Switzerland, Austria and Germany, where farm children are
exposed to many germs. (Now you know why it's called
Germany.) Though their bedding contains a lot of dust,
farm children have fewer problems with allergies. And
unlike children in urban areas, they aren't even allergic to
hard work.

Given these findings, it may be a good idea to let your
children sleep in a sandbox. But here's a caveat: Too much
dust can be harmful. Consult your doctor on the right amount
for your child.

Coming soon to a store near you: Johnson & Johnson's
Baby Dust. Not just for the baby's bottom. If your child
gets into the bottle, you can just smile and say, "Bye-bye
allergies! Another one bites the dust."

Remember: In the modern world, it's not survival of the
fittest. It's survival of the filthiest.

----------------------------------------------------------
(c) Copyright 2002 Melvin Durai. All Rights Reserved.

Melvin Durai is an Indiana-based writer and
humorist. A native of India, he grew up in Zambia
and moved to the U.S. in the early 1980s. Read his
previous columns at http://www.melvindurai.com
For a free subscription to his columns,
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