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<----------The Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour ---------->

<---------------------PHWeekly Joke Ezine!--------------------->
<-------The Little Sister Of Purehumour Joke Ezine------>

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Today's issue includes contributions by: SunAmy, Ishy, Annette, The Posens,
Laura, John, Marina, Marsha, Bill.

If you want to see your name here...send your jokes to:
<a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">Jokes</a>

Lets start with a quickie:

Did you know that the word ALIMONY is really a contraction.

Its short for "all my money"

--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------

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Overhead on the Wise Men's Journey to Bethlehem:

* Man, I'm starting to get a rush from this frankincense!
* You guys ever eat camel meat? I hear it tastes like goat.
* You know, I used to go to school with a girl name Beth Lehem.
* What kind of name is Balthazar anyhow? Phoenician?
* Hey, do you either of you know why "MYRRH" is spelled with
a "Y" instead of a "U"?
* Okay, whose camel just spit?
* What's that black sticky stuff coming out of the ground ?
Let's call it ESSO.
* All this staring at a star while riding a camel is making
me woozy.



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------------------------GUS COOKS!------------------------------

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----------------------TODAY IN HISTORY-----------------------

If today is your birthday...you share it with:

1960 Catherine G Coleman Charleston SC, Phd/Captain USAF/astronaut (STS 73)
1961 Jeff Robinson baseball player (Detroit, Baltimore)
1962 Bharat Arun cricketer (Indian pace bowler late-80's)
1962 Chris Dahlquist Fridley, NHL defenseman (Ottawa Senators)
1963 Cindy Gibb Bennington VT, actress (Search for Tomorrow, Youngblood)
1964 C[arl] J[eff] Snare Washington DC, vocalist (Firehouse-Love of a Lifetime)
1964 Chelsea Noble actress (Kate-Growing Pains)
1965 Christine Burton Adelaide Australia, golfer (1990 T25 Victorian Open)
1965 Craig Biggio Smithtown NY, infielder (Houston Astros)
1965 Ken Hill Lynn MA, pitcher (Texas Rangers)
1965 Lawrence Clay-Bey Hartford CT, super heavyweight boxer (Olympics-96)
1966 Anthony Mason NBA forward (New York Knicks, Charlotte Hornets)
1966 Bill Ranford Brandon Man, NHL goalie (Team Canada, Boston)
1966 Carl Herrera NBA forward (San Antonio Spurs)
1967 Noelle Beck Baltimore MD, actress (Trisha-Loving, Fletch Lives)
1967 Ali Wood Long Beach CA, WPVA volleyballer (US Open-13th-1995)
1967 Eldridge Recasner NBA guard (Atlanta Hawks, Houston Rockets)
1968 Cees Marbus soccer player (Go Ahead Eagles)
1968 Jamie Crysdale CFL corner (Calgary Stampeders)
1969 Arthur Numan soccer player (PSV)
1969 Craig Jones Nambour Australia, Canadian Tour golfer (New Zealand Open-1994)
1969 Dave Nilsson Brisbane Australia, catcher (Milwaukee Brewers)
1969 Rogerick Green NFL cornerback (Jacksonville Jaguars)
1970 Bradford Banta NFL tight end (Indianapolis Colts)
1971 Chris Therien Ottawa, NHL defenseman (Philadelphia Flyers)
1971 Lisa-Marie Vizaniari Australian discus/shot putter (Olympics-96)
1972 Johnny Mcwilliams tight end (Arizona Cardinals)
1973 Eelco Wassenaar Netherlands, US field hockey midfielder (Olympics-96)
1974 Billy Koch Garden City NY, baseball pitcher (Olympics-bronze-96)
1975 Inga Drozdova Latvia, playmate (November 1997)
1975 James Cotton NBA guard (Seattle Supersonics)
1975 Tamecka Dixon WNBA guard (Los Angeles Sparks)
1977 Tisha Dabber Shelbyville IN, actress (New Mickey Mouse Club)

.....and on this day in history:

1960 Washington Senators joins American League
1961 Jimmy Dean's "Big Bad John" is 1st country song to get a gold record
1962 Mariner 2 launched, makes 1st US visit to another planet (Venus)
1963 Verne Gagne beats The Crusher in Minneapolis, to become NWA champion
1964 Michael Brown meets Rene Fladen, then writes "Walk Away Rene"
1965 "La Grusse Valise" opens at 54th St Theater NYC for 7 performances
1967 DNA created in a test tube
1969 Jackson Five made their 1st appearance on "Ed Sullivan Show"
1971 Golden Gate Bridge lights out all night due to power failure
1972 Eugene Cernan & Harrison Schmitt leave the Moon
1975 WCPR (Brooklyn NY pirate radio station) begins broadcasting on 1620 AM
1976 Dutch 1st Chamber condemns Dutch Liberal/social-democratic abortion laws
1977 "Saturday Night Fever", starring John Travolta, premieres in New York NY
1978 China People's Republic performs nuclear test at Lop Nor People's Rebublic of China
1980 At 2 PM EST there is 10 minutes of silence in memory of John Lennon
1982 Marcel Dionne, Los Angeles CA, becomes 9th NHLer to score 500 goals
1984 Howard Cosell retires from Monday Night Football
1985 US Foreign Minister George Shultz arrives in West Berlin
1986 Voyager, piloted by Dick Rutan and Jeana Yeager, takes off from Edwards AFB, California on 1st non-stop, non-refueled flight around the world
1987 Chrysler pleads no contest to selling driven vehicles as new
1988 Spanish general strike to protest austerity measures
1990 Right to Die case permits Nancy Cruzan to have her feeding tube removed, she dies 12 days later
1991 Ferry boat Salem Express sinks in Red Sea, 476 killed
1993 Moslem fundamentalists murder 12 Kroates/Bosnians in Algeria
1995 AIDS patient Jeff Getty recieves baboon bone marrow transplant
1997 Phoenix Coyote Mike Gartner is 5th NHLer to score 700 goals

2002 http://www.scopesys.com/today/

The other night I was invited out for a night with "the
girls." I told my husband that I would be home by mid-
night, "I promise!" Well, the hours passed and the champ-
agne was going down way too easy.

Around 3 a.m., drunk as a skunk, I headed for home. Just
as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started
up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing he'd probably
wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of
myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution
(even when smashed), in order to escape a possible conflict
with him.

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and
I told him 12:00. He didn't seem disturbed at all. Whew! Got
away with that one! Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo

When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock
cuckooed three times, then said, "oh shit," cuckooed 4 more
times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled,
cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the cat and

-----------------------QUICK QUOTE----------------------------

"Man: An animal [whose] chief occupation is extermination of other
animals and his own species, which, however, multiplies with such
insistent rapidity as to infest the whole habitable earth and Canada."
- Ambrose Bierce (1842-disappearance in 1914)

--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------

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The National Research Council (NRC), in Ottawa,
Canada, has recently announced the discovery
of the heaviest chemical element yet known to
science. The new element has been tentatively
named Governmentium.

Governmentium has 1 neutron, 12 assistant neutrons,
75 deputy neutrons, and 11 assistant deputy neutrons,
giving it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles
are held together by forces called morons, which are
surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles
called peons.

Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert.
However, it can be detected as it impedes every reaction
with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of
Governmentium causes one reaction to take over 4 days to
complete when it would normally take less than a second.
Governmentium has a normal half-life of 3 years; it does
not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which
a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons
exchange places.

In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over
time, since each reorganization will cause some morons to
become neutrons, forming isodopes. This characteristic of
moron-promotion leads some scientists to speculate that
Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a certain
quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is
referred to as Critical Morass.

-------------------------A DOG'S WORLD------------------------

A Dog's World is a continuing story that will appear in each
issue...miss a segment?...then check out the archives at:

[Returns next issue]

Copyright 2001-02 D. Scott
Check out more at: http://www.humorcorner.com
--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------

Whats Better About Him
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Too Big For Me
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My Ex Ate Like A Horse
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So Affectionate
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[A Classic!]

In a train carriage there was Bill Clinton, George Bush,
Janet Reno and Bo Derek.

After several minutes of the trip, the train passes
through a dark tunnel and the unmistakable sound of a
slap is heard. When they leave the tunnel, Clinton has
a big red slap mark on his cheek.

(1) Bo Derek thought - "That sleazeball Clinton wanted
to touch me and by mistake he must have put his hand on Janet
Reno, who in turn must have slapped his face."
(2) Janet Reno thought - "That dirty Clinton laid his hands
on Bo Derek and she smacked him."
(3) Bill Clinton thought - "George put his hand on Bo Derek
and by mistake she slapped me."
(4) George Bush thought - "I hope there's another tunnel soon
so I can smack Clinton again."


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------------------------STRANGE BREED!-------------------------

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Steve Davis, the world champion snooker player, got
married and it was the first night of his honeymoon.
His beautiful wife lay spread across the bed wearing
only a scanty silken black nightdress.

Presently Steve came out of the bathroom totally naked
with a long stiff erection and walked slowly to the
foot of the bed. He didn't utter a sound but simply
stood there looking at her and chalking the end of his
erect penis.

This went on for over ten minutes, the only movement
being the slow rhythmic chalking of the tip of his
penis and the movement of his head from side to side
as he stared at her lying on the bed. Eventually, moist
with excitement and shaking with anticipation she tore
off her night dress and slowly spread her legs wide
open waiting for him to take her.

Steve simply raised his eyebrows, cocked his head to
the side and continued to slowly stroke the soft chalk
across the glistening, throbbing penis as he stared
intensely at the pleasures he saw between her outspread
legs. It was too much for her to stand, writhing in an
agony of expectation and frustration she screamed out,
"For God's sake what are you waiting for?"

Steve gently stroked the chalk across his throbbing penis,
blew the loose chalk off its end, smiled and looking even
more closely between her smooth thighs quietly told her,
"I'm trying to decide whether to go for the tight brown or
the easy pink."

--------------FROM THE BATHROOM WALL -------------

A gynecologist in Edmonton Alberta had a sign over his
entrance in the winter months -


-------------------------QUIZ QUEEN------------------------------

How is the Munich Oktoberfest known to locals?

A. the Wiesn
B. Always simply Oktoberfest
C. the Fall Beer Festival
D. Lederhosen Time

<Answers in Next Issue!>


Last Issue's Answers:

African elephants differ from Asian elephants. Which is NOT a way they differ?

D. Africans have no tusks

Copyright 2002 Dawggone Communications
Website: http://quizqueen.net

Consider, if you will, the case of the awkward bumble-bee who became
ill while gathering pollen but continued to work. Unfortunately, he thus
infected all the flowers with his virus. The consequences are recorded in
the annals of horticulture as . . .the blight of the fumble bee.

--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------

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Well Endowed
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He Says The Nicest Things
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Just Fruit Salad For Me Please
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---------------NON SMOKING SECTION-------------------------

<To comply with recent internet law changes...Purehumour will
now present a daily non-smoking section...this section is fully
smoke-free...I do not smoke while creating it...and you are
requested not to smoke while you read it! You co-operation
is expected.>

Asked "What's the difference between a diplomat and a
lady?" the reply came:

If a diplomat says, "yes," he means "Maybe."
If a diplomat says, "Maybe," he means "No."
If a diplomat says, "No," he's no diplomat.

But on the other hand,

If a lady says, "No," she means "Maybe."
If a lady says, "Maybe," she means "Yes."
If a lady says, "Yes," she's no lady.

<End of non-smoking section...please light your tobacco products
once more>
---------------DUSTING OFF THE ARCHIVES---------------

In an attempt to boost the number of visits to the Purehumour
archives...in each issue I will highlight today's date in the archives
from the past three years...take a look at todays issue in history
to see how Purehumour has evolved and what was funny in the

The only way to keep the dust out of the archives is for you to
visit occasionally...you just never know what you may find down
there...this issue from December 14th 2001 was a doozy!

<a href=" http://www.escribe.com/humor/pj/m775.html ">Click</a


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If you wish to donate to support the continue success of this
ezine...please visit the link below...no amount is too small!
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--------------------IT'S NOT PUNNY!------------------------------

Mother Lion and Father Lion had gone off hunting, and had told their two
children not to wander away. However, a couple of small wildebeasts
wandered by, and the baby lions could not resist the temptation to try
out their own hunting skills. They ran out, chased after the animals,
killed them, and started eating them. Just as the baby lions were
reaching the end of their meal, the parents appeared in the distance.
One of the baby lions turned to the other, and said: ... "That is the
end of the gnus. Here again are the head lions."


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A Texan, a Frenchman and an Israeli are on a plane flying over the
Pacific Ocean when the engines stop functioning. The plane crash
lands on a Pacific Island and the 3 are immediately captured by a
tribe of cannibals and taken to their village.

The Chief tells the 3 captives that these cannibals are civilized and
they have a custom on their island that before they eat anyone, they
grant that person his or her last wishes--no matter what they are.

He asks the Texan, "What is your last wish?"

The Texan replies: "I want a 2 inch thick steak with all the
trimmings, Cajun fries and case of beer."

The Chief motions to some of his tribesmen who immediately run into
the jungle and come back with the steak, the fries and the beer. The
Texan eats his meal and he is thrown in the pot.

The Frenchman is asked: "What is your last wish?"

He replies: "I'd like a case of the most expensive Champagne and I'd
also like a big plate of escargot cooked in the French manner."

The Chief motions to his tribesmen who immediately rush off into the
jungle and bring back everything the Frenchman asked for. He eats
and drinks his fill and he is then thrown in the pot.

The Chief turns to the Israeli and asks, "And what is your wish?"

The Israeli looks the Chief squarely in the eyes and replies: "I want
you to kick me in the behind as hard as you can."

The Chief is bewildered and asks the Israeli again, only to receive
the same reply.

The Chief shrugs his shoulders, asks the Israeli to turn around, and
kicks him as hard as he can.

With that the Israeli pulls out a gun and kills the Chief and all of
the other cannibals.

The Texan and the Frenchman look at the Israeli and say: "If you had
that gun why didn't you do anything sooner?"

The Israeli replies: "What? And risk being condemned by the UN for
reacting to insufficient provocation!"


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A man was suffering from severe constipation, so his doctor
prescribed suppositories.

A week later the man complained to the doctor that they didn't
produce the desired results and that he was still in considerable

"Have you been taking them regularly?" the doctor asked.

"What do you think I've been doing," the man growled, "Shoving
them up my ass?"

--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------

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-------------------------WEIRD NEWS---------------------------

Three brothers are being taken to school every day
in a US police patrol car.

David, 12, Jamie, 10, and four-year-old Mitchell
Bullock get dropped off every day in the 1977 Chevrolet
Impala, which has working flashing lights and siren.

Their parents Helen, 31 and Simon, 36, use the car to
drop off David at St George's Secondary and his brothers
at nearby Palm Bay Junior School in Margate, Kent.

Mrs Bullock told The Sun : "The car really causes a stir
when we pull up outside the school gates.

"All their friends are very jealous and we get a lot of
requests for them to come for supper."

Mr and Mrs Bullock bought the ex-California Highway Patrol
car for 6,500 after a friend spotted it in a magazine.

The couple are fans of 1980 film The Blues Brothers and
jumped at the chance to buy a "black and white" like the one
driven by its stars John Belushi and Dan Ackroyd.

The five-litre Chevvy can do 140mph although it gets only 10
miles per gallon in town. It also boasts all its original
crime-fighting features, except the grille to keep unruly
criminals in the back.

Mrs Bullock jokes: "We took it out but sometimes I've been
tempted to have it refitted."

Weird News is a daily feature of Purehumour...it contains
a previously published News Report. If you find an article
that you wish to see here..please send the article, name of
the publication and date to:
<a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">News</a>
IF you like Weird News...subscribe to my weekly ezine of
Weird News Weekly:
<a href=" http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com ">Lists</a>

God wanted to take a vacation. He wasn't sure where he wanted to go, so
he went to St. Peter for advice. "How about Mercury" says St. Peter.

"No, I went there 25,000 years ago and got a real bad sunburn" says God.

"OK, how about Pluto?"

"Nah, I went there 10,000 years ago and broke my leg skiing."

"Ah, how about Earth?" "No way! I went there 2,000 years ago and
knocked up some Jewish chick, and I'm still catching shit for it!"

-------------------------QUICK WIT-------------------------------

[||||] B U T I D I - G R E S S [||||]

On her ABC chatterfest PrimeTime, Di Sawyer got Whit Houston to admit
that she's a drug user, that she's addicted to sex and that her
spriglike frame is not the result of an eating disorder. (USA/12/10)

The most telling disclosure of the evening, though, was Di's admission
that her marriage to Mike Nichols was a career move.

Copyright 2002 by Bob Mills, all rights reserved.

An elderly couple stood near me in the supermarket's produce
section. The man picked up a bunch of bananas and said to his
wife, "These are nice. How about some banana-nut bread?"

I glanced at his spouse and felt sorry for her. She looked
tired and, I presumed, not willing to do any baking. My
sympathy vanished, however, when she snapped at him, "I'm
sick of banana-nut bread, Joe! Can't you make something else?"


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--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------

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---------DUMB CROOK OF THE DAY AWARD---------

The man who robbed the O'Reilly Auto Parts store
may have escaped, but police already have a leg up
on him.

The bandit and his accomplice grabbed $50 in cash
from a manager in the back of the south Kansas City
shop, police say. But in the ensuing scuffle with
the manager and a store mechanic, the robber lost
his prosthetic leg.

"The mechanic grabbed hold of the guy's leg and it
just popped off," said Officer Bob Murphy, a spokesman
for the Kansas City Police Department.

The device, which attached below the knee, came loose
and, witnesses said, it took the thief's pants with it.

Wearing only his boxers, the man hopped through the
snow to his partner's waiting getaway car.

"The one-legged bandit hopped to the parking lot and
into the car and off they went," said Murphy.

The two men had entered the shop around 9:30 a.m., and
while one talked to a store employee, the other went
back and grabbed the cash from the manager. The two men
began to wrestle, and a store mechanic joined the melee.
When the man's leg came off, the store victims said
they were too stunned to pursue him, especially consid-
ering he had only taken $50.

"They were just kind of so shocked holding this guy's leg
that they just laughed," said Murphy. "They said the
entire time he was hopping back to his car he had this
look on his face like 'Oh, what should I do?'"

The robbery apparently was a net loss for the thief,
however. The prosthetic device seems to be worth several
thousand dollars, authorities said.

"It was a titanium, bendable, high-tech deal," said Murphy.

Authorities are searching for the men. In addition to hav-
ing the leg as evidence, they have the entire event on


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How can you tell when a pig is in heat?

She buys the first two rounds!


Whiz Kids
by Dave Glardon

If there's ever anything you want to know, just ask an
expert. Sounds like good advice, doesn't it? But how
does one become an expert? Well, by saying they are.

Take child development. The world is full of experts
on that, but most parents are too tired to write about
it. So people who were smart enough not to have kids
write books telling us how to raise them.

And you know when you're reading something that came
from the mind of a non-parent, or someone whose
youngest child protested the Korean War. You read it
and think, "Do what?"

My grandson is starting potty training. I haven't
been through that in years, but I remember it well.
Of course, if what I hear about old age is true, I'll
be going through it myself in a few years.

There are volumes written on the subject of potty
training. It seems everyone has an opinion. I do,
too. It's like trying to push a rope. The best
advice I can offer is to stock up on the bourbon.

Of course, everyone tells us you have to be so careful
in how you approach potty training or you'll mar the
kid for life. I'm not sure, but I guess it is
conceivable that you could end up with a serial
poopist or something.

And it seems that everywhere you turn, someone is
offering the "latest" method on how to approach potty
training. All that means is they came up with
something so absurd, no one else was stupid enough to
try it.

My dad was telling me he read an article that promised
full compliance within three days. Okay, you've got
my attention. The writer recommends - are you ready
for this? Take the kid's diaper off and let him have
free run of the house. Not for an hour, but all day.

Excuse me, whose house? I know they don't mean mine.
I've always had this obsession with keeping my
furniture and carpet free of things I'd normally flush
down the toilet. Maybe if I could train him to use a
litter pan, but otherwise forget it.

I'm not sure of the logic behind that advice, other
than the fact that whoever wrote it either doesn't
have any kids, or doesn't need any more. The idea is
that sooner or later, the kid will have an "accident"
in the right place and you can brag on them for it.

Sorry, but my grandson's potty chair takes up about
one percent of my home's floor space. That means
he'll go in the wrong place ninety-nine times for
every time he gets it right. We'd do better to
housebreak him.

Also consider this is a little boy. Having been a
little boy myself in another century, I know how these
things work. It takes about two seconds for a boy to
realize he can take aim on the cats. Moving targets
are always the most fun.

To satisfy that urge, you can buy flushable sponges.
Just drop one in the toilet, and let the kid take aim
on it. That could be fun. But remember not to let
the kitchen sponge hit the floor.

To a little boy, everything is a target. Toys are
especially amusing, particularly those with built-in
containers, like dump trucks and crayon boxes. And if
you've got floral patterns on your furniture, it's
only a matter of time before he waters the flowers.

I often joked with my wife that I'd teach our grandson
how to extinguish grandma's candles. Now that he's at
the right age, I'm beginning to worry. He's all boy.
I don't think anyone will have to teach him a thing.

But sooner or later, he's going to figure out how to
get his diaper off, so I guess we need to teach him
where to go when he does. I vote for someone else's
house. At least until he learns what the bathroom is

Something I've learned as a writer - the easiest way
to get published is to write a book on how to get
published. Everyone's an expert. Given that, I have
to wonder about the people writing those books on
potty training. Could it be they're still trying to
potty train themselves?

Copyright 2002 Dave Glardon - All rights reserved


Dave Glardon is a product of the fifties who came of
age in the seventies and is still trying to make sense
of the nineties. You can visit his Website at

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