<--------- http://www.paulsfunhouse.com --------->
and
<----------The Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour ---------->
presents

<---------------------PHWeekly Joke Ezine!--------------------->
<-------The Little Sister Of Purehumour Joke Ezine------>

PHWEEKLY is sent by request ONLY...if you wish to stop
receiving these mailings then please visit:
<a href=" http://unsubscribe.paulsfunhouse.com/phweekly.html ">Click</a>

Welcome to the final issue of PHWeekly for 2002...I am taking a break for
the holidays but will return on Saturday January 11th 2003 (tentatively). If
you need a fix over the holidays please check out my archives at:
<a href=" http://www.escribe.com/humor/pj ">Click</a>
http://www.escribe.com/humor/pj
From my family to your family I wish you a safe and happy holiday season
and please don't drink and drive!

Judy's Giftshop remains open 24/7...check it out at:
<a href=" http://giftshop.paulsfunhouse.com ">Click</a>
http://giftshop.paulsfunhouse.com

Today's issue includes contributions by: SunAmy, Ann, Tom, Laura,
Jamie, Colorado Kid, D.A. Funk, Marsha.

If you want to see your name here...send your jokes to:
<a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">Jokes</a>

-------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------
Lets start with a quickie:

Did you hear about the guy who blamed arithmetic for his divorce?

His wife put two and two together.

--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------

Go Get Yourself A Dam Job
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Bark Street Boys
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2 People Short
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Toilet Conversation
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------

When a bachelor marries, his wife has three qualities she is an economist in
the kitchen, an aristocrat in the living room and a devil in the bedroom.
After a few years, sure enough the three qualities remain, but not in the
same order she is an aristocrat in the kitchen, a devil in the living room
and an economist in bed.

<Note to the guys: Once they start economizing in the bedroom..just look
at it as being in the dog house, and then you don't feel to bad when you
show up in a local cat house...>

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------------------------GUS COOKS!------------------------------

Gus really gets cooking...a new strip each day!
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----------------------TODAY IN HISTORY-----------------------

If today is your birthday...you share it with:

1960 Andy Van Slyke baseball player
1960 Michael Swain Elizabeth NJ, judoka (Olympics-bronze-88)
1960 Roger McDowell Cincinnati OH, pitcher (New York Mets, Baltimore Orioles)
1961 Trevor Bayliss cricketer (New South Wales batsman)
1962 Christy Forester Lookout Mountain GA, country singer (Forester Sister-Men)
1964 Ed Jongsma Dutch pop bassist (Sleeze Beez-Look Like Hell)
1964 Joey Kocur Calgary, NHL right wing (Vancouver Canucks)
1964 Keith Taylor NFL safety (Washington Redskins)
1965 Andy Dick Charleston SC, actor (Matthew-Newsradio)
1965 Gabrielle Glaser musician (Luscious Jackson)
1965 Rodney Thomas WLAF cornerback (Barcelona Dragons)
1965 Sue Thomas Texarkana TX, LPGA golfer (1991 Orix Hawaiian Ladies-14th)
1967 Kristi Cooke Marion OH, Miss Ohio-America (1991)
1967 Ervin Johnson NBA center (Seattle Supersonics, Milwaukee Bucks)
1967 Terry Mills NBA forward (Miami Heat, Detroit Pistons)
1968 Khrystyne Haje Santa Clara CA, actress (Simone-Head of the Class)
1968 Anthony Lynn NFL running back (Denver Broncos-Superbowl 32)
1969 Chuck Smith NFL defensive end (Atlanta Falcons)
1969 Julie Delpy actress (Before Sunrise)
1969 Leon Searcy NFL offensive tackle (Pittsburgh Steelers, Jackson Jaguars)
1970 Irving Spikes NFL running back (Miami Dolphins)
1970 Monique Ambers WNBA forward (Phoenix Mercury)
1970 Ronnie Woolfork WLAF linebacker (Frankfurt Galaxy)
1971 Ernest Hunter NFL running back (Cleveland Browns)
1971 Irena Slavutskay Israel, athlete (Olympics-1996)
1971 Jey Phillips WLAF DB (Amsterdam Admirals)
1971 Tommie Boyd NFL/WLAF receiver (Detroit Lions, Rhein Fire)
1973 Mike Alstott fullback (Tampa Bay Buccaneers)
1974 Karrie Webb Ayr Queensland Australia, LPGA golfer (1994 Australian Strokeplay)
1974 Raymond Austin cornerback/safety (New York Jets)
1978 Amber Corwin Harbor City CA, figure skater (1997 Nationals - 5th)
1978 Michael Vitar Los Angeles CA, actor (D2, D3, Sunset Grill, Sandlot Kids)

.....and on this day in history:

1961 Beatles record "Sweet Georgia Brown" & "Ready Teddy"
1962 US & Cuba accord, releases bay of pigs captive
1966 USSR launches Luna 13; soft-landed in Oceanus Procellarum
1968 Apollo 8 (Frank Borman, Jim Lovell & Bill Anders) 1st manned Moon voyage
1969 Diana Ross final TV appearance as a Supreme (Ed Sullivan Show)
1971 UN Security Council chooses Kurt Waldheim as 4th Secretary General
1972 Soviet Union signs a separate peace with East Germany
1973 Israel, Egypt, Syria, Jordan, US & USSR meet in Geneva
1975 Madagascar adopts constitution
1976 UN General Assembly passes a resolution declaring 1979-Year of Child
1978 Police in Des Plaines IL, arrest John Wayne Gacy Jr for murder
1979 Gary Unger plays in record 914th consecutive NHL game
1980 Harold Carmichael ends NFL streak of 127 consecutive game receptions
1981 Cincinnati beats Bradley 75-73 in 7 OTs (NCAA record)
1983 Loretta Swit weds Dennis Holahan
1983 NBA Indiana Pacers end a 28 game road losing streak
1983 NCAA rules rescinded last 2-minute men's basketball free throw rule
1984 USSR launches Vega 2 for fly-by of Halley's Comet
1985 Heart's "Heart" album goes #1
1987 3 white New York teens convicted of manslaughter in death of a black man
1988 New York bound Pan Am jumbo jet (Flight 103) explodes over Scotland, killing all 259 people on the plane and 11 people on the ground
1988 Vladimir Titov, Anatoly Levchenko & Musa Manarov return to earth (a year) with Chretien
1989 Vice-President Quayle sends out 30,000 Xmas cards with word beacon spelled beakon
1990 Steve & Mark Waugh complete 464 partnership for New South Wales vs Western Australia
1991 95 share in Madrid Spain $1.3 billion lottery (#47996)
1992 Dutch DC-10 in fire at landing on Faro Portugal, 56 die
1994 Bomb goes off on #4 train on Fulton Street NYC
1995 San Francisco Giants announce plans to build a new stadium to open in 2000
1997 Detroit Lions linebacker Reggie Brown, knocked unconscious in game

2002 http://www.scopesys.com/today/
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------

To: All Employees
From: Management
Subject: Office conduct during the Christmas season
x*x*x*x*x*x*x*x*x*x*x*x*x*x*x*x*x*x*x*x*x*x*x*x*x*x*

Effective immediately, employees should keep in mind
the following guidelines in compliance with FROLIC
(the Federal Revelry Office and Leisure Industry Council).

1. Running aluminum foil through the paper shredder
to make tinsel is discouraged.

2. Playing Jingle Bells on the push-button phone is
forbidden. (It runs up an incredible long distance bill.)

3. Egg nog will NOT be dispensed in vending machines.

4. Company cars are not to be used to go over the
river and through the woods to Grandma's house.

5. All fruitcake is to be eaten BEFORE July 25.

6. Work requests are not to be filed under "Bah humbug."

In spite of all this, the staff is encouraged to have
a Happy Holiday.

-----------------------QUICK QUOTE----------------------------

"My wife came home one day and said, 'Look honey, I lost 15 pounds.' I
said, 'If you look behind you, you'll find it.'"
-Slappy White

--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------

Thought For The Day
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Jihad This
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Bin Brothers
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------

That wily old pervert St. Nick
Made good use of the curve to his dick
He glazed the whole shaft
Painted stripes, then he laughed
As he offered young ladies a lick

-------------------------A DOG'S WORLD------------------------

A Dog's World is a continuing story that will appear in each
issue...miss a segment?...then check out the archives at:
http://www.escribe.com/humor/pj

The dogs sat by the cat hole wanting to ask questions but
were inexplicably afraid to do so. After minutes of silence
the cat spoke up. "The name is Gus and are there just six
of you"?

"Yeah just us six." Sam answered. "How many of you"?

"Eighteen of us down here." The cat replied.

Rex was thinking to himself but spoke loud enough for all to
hear, "That's one hell of a hole."

"That's right Sparky." The cat said. "Don't ever let it be said
that cats are not prepared for the worst."

"You guys dug that hole because the comet was coming"? Sam asked.

"Well... we also need a good place for our weekly poker games."

The dogs didn't know what to say so they just stared at the cat.
"I was kidding"! The cat chuckled. "Boy you guys are stupid."

Copyright 2001-02 D. Scott
Check out more at: http://www.humorcorner.com
--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------

Spice Girls
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When Hens Eat Fruit Loops
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Reserved
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Lost My Marbles
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------

Why Santa Has To Be A Woman

Think about it - Christmas is a big, organized, warm fuzzy,
nurturing, social deal, and I have a tough time believing
a guy could possibly pull it off!

For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about
selecting gifts until Christmas Eve.

Once in the Mall, they always seem surprised to find only
Ronco products, socket wrench sets, and mood rings left on
the shelves. On this count alone, I'm convinced Santa is a
woman.

Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake
up Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under
the tree, still in the box.

Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of
all, there would be no reindeer because they would be dead,
gutted and strapped onto the rear bumper of the sleigh amid
wide-eyed, desperate claims that buck season had been extended.
Blitzen's rack would already be on the way to the taxidermist.

Even if the male-Santa DID have reindeer, he'd still have
transportation problems because he would inevitably get lost
up there in the snow and clouds and then refuse to stop and
ask for directions.

Men can't pack a bag.
Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.
Men would feel their masculinity is threatened...having to be
seen with all those elves.
Men don't answer their mail.
Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described, even
in jest, as anything remotely resembling a "bowl full of jelly."
Men aren't interested in stockings unless somebody's wearing them.
Having to do the Ho Ho Ho thing would seriously inhibit their
ability to pick up women.

Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.

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------------------------STRANGE BREED!-------------------------

If you like funny, wacky, and clean cartoons, then check out
"Strange Breed". It's sure to make you and your whole family
laugh."

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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------

A bible-thumping preacher was really getting it going
one Sunday, and in the heat of the Gospel, an
attractive lady leaned out of the balcony a little too
far, and fell over the railing.

As she passed the chandelier on the way down, the hem
of her dress caught on part of the fixture, and she
hung there with her dress pulled clear over her hips
for everyone's viewing pleasure!

The preacher, a sensitive sort, cried out, "Any man
who dares to look shall be struck blind!"

A fellow in the front row nudged his friend and said,
"Hell, I'm gonna chance it. This left eye ain't worth
a shit, anyway!"

--------------FROM THE BATHROOM WALL -------------

On the sixth day, God created the platypus. And God said,
"Let's see the evolutionists try and figure this one out."

-------------------------QUIZ QUEEN------------------------------


Returns with all new questions next year!

Last Issue's Answers:

How is the Munich Oktoberfest known to locals?

A. The "Wiesn"

Copyright 2002 Dawggone Communications
Website: http://quizqueen.net
Subscribe: [EMAIL PROTECTED]
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------

Mr. Grumpy's traditional fruitcake recipe
Items needed:

4 oz. fruit bits
1 railroad tie
Wood saw
Large rubber mallet
Safety goggles

Wearing your safety goggles, cut a one-foot section from the
middle of your railroad tie. The resulting block of wood should
be the size and shape of a loaf of bread. Then, take some fruit
bits and pound them into the block with your rubber mallet.

Spread the colors around or you might wind up with an ugly fruit-
cake! Then take the fruitcake and set it on top of your garage for
a year. After 12 months, cover tightly in a plastic wrap and give
your loved ones the timeless and enduring gift of fruitcake.

--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------

Have You Been Drinking
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Command
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I Have More Nuts Than You
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Snatch Receipt
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---------------NON SMOKING SECTION-------------------------

<To comply with recent internet law changes...Purehumour will
now present a daily non-smoking section...this section is fully
smoke-free...I do not smoke while creating it...and you are
requested not to smoke while you read it! You co-operation
is expected.>

One day, an Eskimo family arrived in New York City. This was
the first time out of their native village, and it wasn't
long before the wife got lost. The Eskimo husband asked a
passerby for help and was told to go to the police and
report it.

When he got there, a police officer asked for his wife's
description.

"What's that?" asked the Eskimo.

"Well, you see, a 'description' is telling what something
looks like. For example, my wife is 25-years-old, 5'11",
weighs 140 pounds, and measures 38-25-36. Now, what can
you tell me about your wife?"

"Forget her!" exclaimed the Eskimo. "Let's go look for
yours!"

<End of non-smoking section...please light your tobacco products
once more>
---------------DUSTING OFF THE ARCHIVES---------------

In an attempt to boost the number of visits to the Purehumour
archives...in each issue I will highlight today's date in the archives
from the past three years...take a look at todays issue in history
to see how Purehumour has evolved and what was funny in the
past!

A blast from the past: December 21st 2000:

<a href=" http://www.escribe.com/humor/pj/m580.html ">Click</a>
http://www.escribe.com/humor/pj/m580.html

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--------------------IT'S NOT PUNNY!------------------------------

The Pentagon deployed twenty ABM missiles in Alaska Monday for defense.
Yet three tests of the system have failed. Apparently the missiles
belong to the government worker's union because you can't fire them and
you can't make them work.

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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------

A little girl says, "Daddy, I wish I had a little sister."

Trying to be funny, the daddy says "Honey, you do have a
sister. You just don't see her because when you are coming
in the front door, she is always leaving through the back door."

The little girl thought about this and remarked, "You mean
like my other Daddy does...?"

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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------

A man buys some new underwear from a department store.
He takes them home and tries them on, but to his dismay
they don't fit properly, so off he goes back to the store.

When it's his turn at the customer service window, the
lady asks him why he's returning the underwear.

The man replies by asking the saleslady, "Have you ever
heard of the ballroom in the Washington Monument?"

The puzzled saleslady scratches her head and says, "What ballroom?"

The man snaps, "Exactly!"

--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------

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-------------------------WEIRD NEWS---------------------------

An art student's project caused police to evacuate one
of New York's busiest subway stations and call out the
bomb squad.

Clinton Boisvert was arrested after admitting to police
that he painted the word "Fear" on 37 boxes and left
them at Union Square.

The station was closed for nearly six hours while officers
determined that the boxes were empty.

Boisvert, 25, was charged with reckless endangerment and
disorderly conduct and could face up to a year in prison.

A police officer was first to spot one of the boxes on a
staircase. Others - some painted black, some wrapped in
electrical tape - were found on platforms, and attached to
walls, benches and floors.

Boisvert's lawyer, Bill Stampur, said the student was trying
to complete in an interesting way an assignment for a course
he was taking at the School of Visual Arts.

"It's a case of an innocent art project going awry," Mr Stampur
said.

Sculpture teacher Barbara Schwartz wouldn't say how his effort
would be graded, but told The New York Post he received an "A"
for the term.

"I don't hold this against him," said Ms Schwartz. "He looked at
it as just an art project. He didn't intend to scare anybody."

Weird News is a daily feature of Purehumour...it contains
a previously published News Report. If you find an article
that you wish to see here..please send the article, name of
the publication and date to:
<a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">News</a>
IF you like Weird News...subscribe to my weekly ezine of
Weird News Weekly:
<a href=" http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com ">Lists</a>
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------

Goldberg, the laundry owner said to Berman, a longtime
customer, "Thank you, Mr. Berman, for your patronage.
I wish I had twenty customers like you."

"Gosh, it's nice to hear that, but I'm kind of surprised,"
admitted Berman. "You know that I argue every bill and
always pay late."

Goldberg said, "I'd still like twenty customers like you.
The problem is, I have two hundred."

-------------------------QUICK WIT-------------------------------

[||||] H A T C H E S B A T T E N E D [||||]

Houston and LA lead the guard shack parade as urban crime rates have
spawned a sharp rise in gated communities. (USA/12/16)

And with Winnona Ryder on the loose, gated shopping malls.

Copyright 2002 by Bob Mills, all rights reserved.
http://www.topica.com/lists/funnysideup
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------

Nick was walking down the street with a computer under one arm, a
photocopier under the other and a desk strapped to his back. A
policeman stopped him and said, "I'm placing you under arrest." "Why?"
asked Nick. "For impersonating an office, sir," replied the policeman

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---------DUMB CROOK OF THE DAY AWARD---------

I responded to a local convenient store for a reported
Retail Theft. Taken were several packs of cigarettes.
The crime was caught on video tape.

I interviewed the employee who stated the suspect dis-
tracted her by asking for an item kept behind the counter.
When she turned to get the item he stole two packs of
cigarettes from the counter. The employee noticed the
cigarettes missing after the suspect left the store.

Now for the interesting part!

While in the store, the suspect was flirting with the emp-
loyee and asked her to join him with some friends to "party"
when she got off work. Just being polite she said she would
think about it. So the suspect gave her his phone number
before he left the store.

Officers were not able to locate the suspect in the area so
we got creative.

We had one of our dispatchers call the suspect and pretend to
be the convenient store employee. The dispatcher (calling
from a cellular phone in case the suspect had caller ID) said
she had changed her mind and would like to "party" with the
suspect and his friends after all. So the suspect gave our
dispatcher his address.

At this point myself and several fellow officers paid the
suspect a visit at his apartment. He was arrested and taken
to our station denying any knowledge of the theft of cigarettes.
He threatened to sue the police for false arrest and was
becoming generally unpleasant until I asked him to watch a
video tape I had.

All he said after that was, "I'm so stupid!"

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---------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------

What's the difference between a man and a chimpanzee?

One is hairy, smelly and is always scratching it's ass and the other's a
type of monkey.

--------------------------EDITORIAL--------------------------------

"MARRIED TO A MAIDEN NAME"

When she married fellow actor David Arquette in 1999,
"Friends" co-star Courteney Cox changed her name to
Courteney Cox Arquette. Now she's returning to her maiden
name and dropping "Arquette." (Don't get excited, male fans.
She's dumping the name, not the husband.)

What happened? Did she just join the National Organization
of Women (NOW)? Or did she suddenly realize that a liberated
woman shouldn't be carrying her husband's name, not when
she's making a million bucks an episode and he's making
breakfast?

Actually, Cox wants to honor her father, Richard Cox, who
died of cancer last year. Carrying "Cox" as a middle name
wasn't quite enough. A friend suggested tattooing "Cox"
around her waist, but there just wasn't enough room. (The
tattoo artist promised to keep the "c" and "o" together, but
Cox didn't like where he wanted to put the "x.")

Her desire to honor her late father is admirable, but I
can't help feeling sorry for her husband, David Cox. I mean,
David Arquette. Or is it David Arquette-Cox? It's hard to
keep these things straight.

Whichever name he prefers, he had better be somewhat
flexible.

Mail man: "Merry Christmas! I have three packages for
Courteney Cox, one for David Cox and one for Mr. and Mrs.
Courteney Cox."

David: "Do you have any for David Arquette?"

Mail man: "No, but I do have one for Chandler Bing. Does he
live here, too?"

I know what's in store for Arquette because my wife, Malathi
Raghavan, retained her maiden name. Being a fairly
open-minded man, I didn't mind her decision at all. I just
didn't care for all the telephone bills -- the ones
addressed to Melvin Raghavan. (I sure hope AT&T can find Mr.
Raghavan. He owes them lots of money. Kept making calls to
India. Spoke to one billion people.)

Malathi has faced more issues, including opposition from her
father. Some relatives assumed she had taken my name and
sent mail addressed to Malathi Durai. Others switched her
from Dr. Raghavan to Mrs. Durai, making her marriage to me a
rather big demotion.

It's going to be worse, of course, when we travel abroad.

Hotel clerk: "I'm sorry, Mr. Durai. This is a decent hotel.
We can't allow you to share a room with Dr. Raghavan."

Me: "But she's my wife."

Clerk: "Yes, Mr. Durai, that's what they all say! Now get
going before I summon the Ayatollah."

Women keeping maiden names is nothing new, yet our society
just isn't set up for it. That's partly because many women
are willing to give up their ENTIRE names. Just go to any
wedding and you'll probably hear the newlyweds introduced as
"Mr. and Mrs. Larry King." (Yes, Larry does get around.)

Malathi points out that women began carrying men's names
during a bygone era when women were considered property. "If
you're going to belong to one man or the other, you might as
well belong to your dad," she says. I'm not crazy about her
reasoning, but I sure hope she keeps repeating it to our
daughter.

Lekha is only six months old, but it's never too early to
teach a child important concepts. I'm thinking of putting a
sign in her crib: "Dad's name: good. Husband's name: bad."

The sign would spark some useful conversations, as soon as
Lekha learns to speak.

Lekha: "Dad, what's a husband?"

Me: "A husband is someone who wants to take away daddy's
good name."

----------------------------------------------------------
(c) Copyright 2002 Melvin Durai. All Rights Reserved.

Melvin Durai is an Indiana-based writer and
humorist. A native of India, he grew up in Zambia
and moved to the U.S. in the early 1980s. Read his
previous columns at http://www.melvindurai.com
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