ΣΏΣ<--------- http://www.paulsfunhouse.com --------->ΣΏΣ
ΣΏΣ<----------The Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour ---------->ΣΏΣ

<---------------------PHWeekly Joke Ezine!--------------------->
<-------The Little Sister Of Purehumour Joke Ezine------>

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Welcome back and Happy New Year. If you are not a subscriber to
the almost daily issue of Purehumour...then you will be getting your
first look at the New PHWeekly. Some minor cosmetic changes have
been made and the addition of the "Column Preview"...which showcases
some of the best humourists on the net. To get the full version of the
article you will have to visit the link attached to the article.

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Today's issue includes contributions by: ChevyLady, Rubin, Cathy,
Becky, SunAmy.

If you want to see your name here...send your jokes to:
<a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">Jokes</a>

Lets start with a quickie:

What do you call a 500 pound woman with a yeast infection?

A Whopper with extra cheese!

ΣΏΣ--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------ΣΏΣ

Singles Chat Room
<a href=" http://www.dailyadultjoke.com/jill/02-08j.html ">Click</a>

Bad Hair Day
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Catching a Groom
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Virgin & Slut Airlines
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Today's issue is brought to you by:





No, I can't promise you any of those things, but pick up a copy
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One gay man decides to have a tattoo done. On arrival to the tattooist he
spots a picture of Evander Holyfield. "Oh he's my favourite darling....
can you do him on the cheek of my ass??" he asked the tattooist. So it
was done.

On the way out of the store he spots another picture on the wall, this
time Mike Tyson.

"Oh good lord " the queer bloke blurted out. "I just adore big Mike, can
you do him on my other cheek please lovey"
So it was done.

On returning home his boyfriend says " Well drop your trousers, give us
a look."

Queer bloke 1 dropped his pants to reveal his arse, to which the
boyfriend replied in fright, "I think our relationship is over, because
I sure as Hell ain't getting in the ring with those two"



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ΣΏΣ----------------------TODAY IN HISTORY-----------------------ΣΏΣ

If today is your birthday...you share it with:

1952 Ben Daniel Crenshaw Austin TX, PGA golfer (1974 Rookie of Year, 1976 Bing Crosby)
1952 Lee Ritenour Los Angeles CA, jazz musician
1952 Massimo Lopez Italian comedian
1953 Anna Marchesini Italian entertainer
1954 Saskia ten Batenburg Dutch actress (Factory, Hunk)
1956 Kuniaki Kobayashi wrestler (WAR/NJPW)
1957 Bryan Robson English international soccer star
1957 Darryl Dawkins NBA center (Philadelphia 76ers, New Jersey Nets)
1958 Lourdes Ann Kananimanu Estores Honolulu HI, playmate (June 1982)
1958 Vicki Peterson Los Angeles CA, rock guitarist/vocalist (Bangles)
1959 Brett Bodine auto racer
1960 Vicki Peterson Los Angeles CA, rocker (Bangles-Walk Like an Egyptian)
1961 Paul Skansi NFL wide receiver (Seattle Seahawks)
1962 Donn Pall Evergreen Park IL, pitcher (Philadelphia Phillies, Florida Marlins)
1962 Julie Moran TV hostess (Entertainment Tonight, Independence Day)
1962 Kim Coles Brooklyn NY, actress (Synclaire-Living Single)
1963 Jason Connery London England, actor (Robin Hood)
1963 Kate Gompert Ames IA, tennis star
1963 Petra Schneider E German swimming star (world record 400m)
1963 Tracy Caulkins Winona MN, swimmer (Olympics-3 gold-1984)
1965 Olivia Barash Miami FL, actress (Laura-Out of the Blue)
1965 Barbara Belding San Diego CA, WPVA volleyballer (US Open-17th-1994)
1965 Joely Richardson London England, actress (Body Contact, Wetherby)
1965 Karl Van Calcar Torrance CA, 3k steeplechase
1965 Loredana Romito Benevento Italy, model/actress (Fatal Temptation)
1965 Steve Vancil Oregon City Ore, golfer (1989 City of Portland)
1966 Christian Pouget hockey forward (Team France 1998)
1967 Jeff Bankett Pittsburgh PA, actor (Tyler-1 Life to Live)
1967 Richmond Webb NFL tackle (Miami Dolphins)
1967 Ronnie Stern St-Agathe, NHL right wing (Calgary Flames)
1968 Sharon Brown New York City NY, actress (Chantal-Generations)
1968 Ben Rivera Dominican/US baseball pitcher (Philadelphia Phillies)
1969 Darren Anderson NFL cornerback (Kansas City Chiefs)
1969 Dave Cruikshank Northbrook IL, speed skater (Olympics-1994)
1969 Frank Robinson WLAF defensive back (Scottish Claymores)
1969 Reemt Pyka hockey forward (Team Germany 1998)

.....and on this day in history:

1952 Bollingen Prize for poetry awarded to Marianne Moore
1953 J Edgar Hoover declines 6 figure offer to become president of the International Boxing Club
1954 2 ton locomotive swept into ravine by avalanche - 10 die (Austria)
1959 Bollingen Prize for poetry awarded to Theodore Roethke
1959 Hanif Mohammad completes 499 for Karachi, then 1st class world record
1959 Marlene Hagge wins LPGA Mayfair Golf Open
1959 NFL Pro Bowl East beats West 28-21
1960 Chad declares independence from France
1960 Lamar Clark sets pro boxing record of 44 consecutive knockouts
1961 Racial riot at University of Georgia
1962 Mandela leaves South Africa, travels to Ethiopia, Algeria & England
1962 Volcano Huascaran in Peru, erupts; 4,000 die
1963 Beatles release "Please Please Me" & "Ask Me Why"
1963 1st discotheque opens, The Whiskey-a-go-go in Los Angeles CA
1964 Beatles "I Want to Hold Your Hand" is #80 in US (Cashbox)
1964 US Surgeon General Luther Terry reports that smoking may be hazardous
1964 "She Loves Me" closes at Eugene O'Neill Theater New York City NY after 302 performances
1964 Panama ends diplomatic relations with US
1966 "Daktari" African adventure series premieres on CBS TV
1966 550 die in landslides in mountains behind Rio de Janeiro after rain
1967 Romeinse Curie installs Council for Pontifical Study commission
1968 Explorer 36 (GEOS-B) launched into earth orbit (1080/1570 km)
1969 Jethro Tull's This Was Jethro Tull album debuts
1969 "Hooked on a Feeling" by BJ Thomas peaks at #5

©2003 http://www.scopesys.com/today/

Terribly agitated, John rushed into his dentist's examining room and
ushered the hygienist firmly to the door. Once he was alone with the
doctor, he unzipped his fly and gingerly pulled out his pecker

"John, John," said the dentist, taken aback. "I'm a dentist. If you
think you have V.D., you need to see your regular doctor."

"It's not V.D.," gasped John, "and you've gotta help me. There's a
tooth stuck in it."

ΣΏΣ----------------------COLUMN PREVIEW--------------------ΣΏΣ

Teats and sweets
By John Martin

Never let it be said that I am a culinary Philistine.
I nearly bought my wife Katherine a cow for

I didn't in the end - but only because I couldn't bear
the thought of trying to conceal it under the Christmas
tree. Has anyone here actually ever tried to gift-wrap
a cow?

<a href=" http://johnmartin.actweb.net/cow.html ">Click</a>

ΣΏΣ-----------------------QUICK QUOTE----------------------------ΣΏΣ

I don't know the key to success, but the
key to failure is trying to please everybody.
-Bill Cosby

ΣΏΣ--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------ΣΏΣ

Act Stupid
<a href=" http://www.buffalosjokes.com/at/25.htm ">Click</a>

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Peel Me One Of Those Bananas
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You know you're kinky when...

...you keep fake hanging plants around the house, just so your mother will
never know what all those hooks in the ceiling are really for.

...you realize you've charged more in lingerie than you get paid in a year

...you have more toys than your kids

...you start rating your CDs by how interesting it'll be to beat someone to

...someone asks how long you've been doing this ponygirl routine, and you
snort and start to stamp your foot

...your favorite dessert is hot crossed buns ... and you don't eat sweets

...your toilet seat is leather.

...you watch a movie where someone gets tied up and scream at the screen,
"Gimme a break, 3 minutes max to get out of that!"

...you go to the local county fair and salivate when the horse jumps are

...you have a list by the phone for the baby-sitter.... Hospital, Family,
and three 24 hour locksmiths

...you are on a first name basis with all the local EMT's

...you join the SCA just so you can learn to make your own chainmail and
work with leather!

...you speak of crop rotation with someone, and they aren't a farmer

...you try to get arrested, just for the handcuffs, body cavity search,
humiliation scene and time in the cage.

...you take up macramι, just to learn some new knots

...leather companies start giving you the wholesale to distributor discount.

ΣΏΣ-------------------------A DOG'S WORLD------------------------ΣΏΣ

A Dog's World is a continuing story that will appear in each
issue...miss a segment?...then check out the archives at:

The animals sat with nothing to say until the cat spoke
up. "Ok, here's the deal. Everything is dead except for
us cats and you dogs. Although it goes against my
instincts, I say we work together until we come up with
a better plan."

"How many of you are there again"? Sam inquired.

"A total of eighteen cats."

"You fit thirty cats into that one hole"? Rex asked in disbelief.

"I'll admit it's a little cramped down there." Replied the cat.

"What's your name anyway"? Asked Sam.

"Gus." Answered the cat.

Despite trying as hard as he could Rex couldn't help but
start giggling.

Copyright 2001-03 D. Scott
Check out more at: http://www.humorcorner.com
ΣΏΣ--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------ΣΏΣ

Male Library
<a href=" http://www.buffalosjokes.com/at/27.htm ">Click</a>

<a href=" http://www.buffalosjokes.com/at/28.htm ">Click</a>

Working Late
<a href=" http://www.buffalosjokes.com/at/29.htm ">Click</a>

Interesting Name for a Ranch
<a href=" http://jokeworm.com/funlinks/funlinks7.html ">Click</a>


There is a merry family gathering with all generations around the

The little children (naughty little rascals) smuggle a Viagra tablet
into Grandpa's drink.

After a while, Grandpa excuses himself because he has to go to the
bathroom. When he returns, however, his trousers are wet all over.
What happened, Grandpa?" he is asked by his concerned children.

Well," he answers, "I had to go to the bathroom. So I took it out, but
then I saw that it wasn't mine, so I put it back!"


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During a long rain delay, the baseball announcer filled in some
time by sharing some baseball trivia with his color man.

"Know who hit the most home runs between 1955 and 1975? I'll tell
you -- Hank Aaron. Know who hit the most RBIs between 1955 and 1975?
Hank Aaron. And who got hit on the chin with the most balls between
1955 and 1975?"

"Hank Aaron?" ventured the color commentator.

"Nope," said the announcer. "Liberace."

ΣΏΣ--------------FROM THE BATHROOM WALL -------------ΣΏΣ

There's a word for men, who want to be "just friends" with an
attractive looking female and never think about getting into her
panties. The word is "homosexuals."

ΣΏΣ-------------------------QUIZ QUEEN------------------------------ΣΏΣ

What unique geographical feature sets Michigan apart
from the other states?

A. It consists of two peninsulas
B. It is an island state
C. It is separated from the 48 contiguous states
D. It is perfectly square

<Answers in Next Issue!>


© Copyright 2003 Dawggone Communications
Website: http://quizqueen.net

A young man was visiting his brother and sister-in-law for christmas
dinner and was surprised to find his young nephew, Little Johnny,
helping them bake some cupcakes.

After they were done, his sister-in-law allowed Little Johnny to put
the icing on. When he had finished, he brought them to the table.

"The cupcakes look delicious, Johnny." his uncle said. And he took a bite
while looking at the other cupcakes. "Little Johnny these are so good."

As he finished one and took another he again complimented his little
nephew. "The cupcakes look beautiful, Johnny," his uncle said. "How did
you get them iced so evenly?" And he took a large bite while waiting for
the answer.

Little Johnny replied, "I licked them."

ΣΏΣ--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------ΣΏΣ

Ad Baby
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American Beauty
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Jimbo and Bubba are from Alabama visiting a
relative at the Huntsville, Texas prison.
Walking along Sam Houston Street, they see a
sign which reads: 'Suits $5.00 each, shirts
$2.00 each, trousers $2.50 per pair.

Jimbo says to Bubba, "Hey Bubba, LOOK! We
could buy a whole lot of those, and when we
get back to Mobile, we could make a fortune.
Now when we go into the shop, you be quiet,
okay? Just let me do all the talkin' cause
if they hear our southern accent they might
not serve us. I'll speak in my best Texas

They go in and Jimbo orders 50 suits at $5.00
each, 100 shirts at $2.00 each and 50 pairs
of trousers at $2.50 each. The owner of the
shop says, "You're Deliverance Dingbats from
Alabama, aren't you?"

"Heck yes," says a surprised Jimbo. "How comes
you know dat?"

The owner says, "Because this is a dry cleaners,

ΣΏΣ-------------------DAILY TOON FEATURES-------------------ΣΏΣ

If you like funny, wacky, and clean cartoons, then check out
"Strange Breed". It's sure to make you and your whole family

<a href="http://www2.hi.net/s4/strangebreed.htm";>Click</a>

Gus really gets cooking...a new strip each day!
<a href="http://www.guscooks.com/strips.php";>Click</a>

All this and more on my website:

ΣΏΣ---------------DUSTING OFF THE ARCHIVES---------------ΣΏΣ

In an attempt to boost the number of visits to the Purehumour
archives...in each issue I will highlight today's date in the archives
from the past three years...take a look at todays issue in history
to see how Purehumour has evolved and what was funny in the

Jan 11th 2002

<a href=" http://www.escribe.com/humor/pj/m781.html ">Click</a>


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ΣΏΣ--------------------IT'S NOT PUNNY!------------------------------ΣΏΣ

Clonaid claimed last week they just cloned a human being for the first
time in history. Reaction was swift. The pope denounced cloning,
President Bush vowed to outlaw cloning and George Steinbrenner offered
the Boston Red Sox $10 million for the rights to Ted Williams in the
re-entry draft.


Kathy Lee
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Strip BlackJack With Jane
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If They Mated - Conan O'Brien & Gary Shandling
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Play BlackJack
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Test Your Typing Skills
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Don't Want Your Love
<a href=" http://ezinesetc.com/jj11.htm ">Click</a>


This guy is between the sheets with this woman when he hears the
garage door open. " It's my husband," the woman says. " Here
start ironing these." tossing him a pile of shirts.

The husband walks in and asks why there is this strange man ironing
shirts. She tells him that he is the new housekeeper. Her husband seems to
accept this. The guy stays and finishes the shirts , leaves and walks down
the street to catch the bus. He can't help but brag about what just happened,
and tells a man waiting next to him.

The man looks at him and says, "Pal are you talking about a nice looking
brunette who lives in that 2-story brick job on the corner of Main and Park?"

"Yes, I am. Why do you ask ?"

"Hell son, who do you think washed them damn shirts anyway."


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The following is a father's advice to his son just moments before he
gets on the bus that will carry him off to join the Army: "Son, you are
getting ready to embark on a great adventure as many of the men in our
family have done since your great-great-great-great-great-great-great
grandfather did many hundreds of years ago. There will be many dangers
ahead that you will encounter. Remember your training and obey your
commanders, this will keep you alive during the arduous days of battle.
Always stay with the plan, if you deviate from it you will be in grave

When the time of battle is over, be wary as you go into the towns and
cities ahead because there are many hidden dangers lurking there. There
will be many temptations to lure you away from your brothers in arms and
this could put you in danger even if it seems safe at the time. In
every town there will be a street that will be most treacherous of all
and there will be strong drink to dull your senses, loud and crude songs
to suppress your hearing, and wild women of ill repute to enable your
enemy to catch you off guard. My advice to you as a former soldier is
simple - - What ever you do... FIND THAT STREET SON."

ΣΏΣ--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------ΣΏΣ

Bad Cat
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/badcat.html ">Click Me!</a>

Now Thats A BIG Pussy
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Talk About A Bad Hair Day
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What BITCH Really Means
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ΣΏΣ-------------------------WEIRD NEWS---------------------------ΣΏΣ

A Russian man had to be rescued after his penis stuck
to a frozen bus shelter while he was urinating.

The young man was on his way home from a bar in the
southern city of Stavropol, in temperatures of -30C.

He stopped to urinate, leaning against the bus shelter
for support, but swayed at a crucial moment and his
penis stuck to the frozen metal.

The BBC reports the man was apparently taken by surprise
by the cold temperatures, as Stavropol is normally one
of the warmest Russian regions.

A large crowd gathered, shouting advice. Finally passerby
Valery Levchenko was able to free the man using a kettle
of warm water borrowed from a chemist.

The man reportedly refused further medical help before
running off.

Weird News is a daily feature of Purehumour...it contains
a previously published News Report. If you find an article
that you wish to see here..please send the article, name of
the publication and date to:
<a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">News</a>
IF you like Weird News...subscribe to my weekly ezine of
Weird News Weekly:
<a href=" http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com ">Lists</a>

Georgie is walking down the street after a sex-change operation has
transformed him into a beautiful woman.

An old friend sees him and says, "Georgie, you look great... you're

Georgie says, "Thanks... but holy Christ, did it hurt."

His friend says, "When they cut open your chest and put in those implants?"

Georgie says, "No, that didn't really hurt."

His friend says, "When they cut off your dick and dug out a vagina?"

Georgie says, "No, that didn't really hurt."

His friend says, "Then what did hurt?"

Georgie says, "When the doctor drilled a hole in my head and drained out
half my brains "

ΣΏΣ-------------------------QUICK WIT-------------------------------ΣΏΣ

[||||] B O N D E D [||||]

007er Jim Brosnan told reps that he might lens two more Bondsers "but
after that it would be time to hang it up. You simply get too old for a
role." (LAD/12/23)

Tentative titles: "From Leisure World With Love" and "Rubber Gloved

Copyright © 2003 by Bob Mills, all rights reserved.

John went to a restaurant and ordered a chicken dish. By the time the
food was ready and he was about to eat, the waiter came back and said,
"Sir, I'm afraid there has been a mistake. You see, that man who is
sitting at the next table is a regular customer of ours and he usually
orders the same dish. The problem with this is that this is the last
chicken in the house. I'm afraid I'll have to take this dish to him and
arrange for another dish for you."

John became really upset and refused to give up his food. The waiter
walked over to the other table and explained the situation to the
regular customer.

A few minutes later the man walked over to John's table and said,
"Listen up, pal. That is MY chicken you are about to eat and I'll warn
you whatever you do to that chicken I'll do the same to you. You pull
out one of its legs, I'll pull out one of yours. You break one of its
wings, I'll break one of your arms!"

John calmly looked at the chicken, then stuck his middle finger in the
bird's rectum, pulled it out and licked it. He then got up, dropped his
pants, bent over and said, "Your turn!"


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ΣΏΣ--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------ΣΏΣ

A Set Of Big Berthas
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Cats With Attitude
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Detectives used a wallet left behind during an armed
robbery to track down a forgetful thief.

Alfonso Valbuena, 22, of Greenacres, Florida was
arrested and charged with armed robbery. He was being
held in Palm Beach County Jail without bond Thursday.

At 7 p.m. on New Year's Day, Valbuena entered a Mobil
gas station in Lantana, opened his wallet and asked
the clerk for change, deputies said. He set the wallet
down on the counter and pulled a semiautomatic handgun
from his waistband. Valbuena robbed the store of about
$200 and fled, deputies said.

The clerk wasn't hurt.

When deputies arrived on the scene, they found the
wallet still on the counter. They used several traffic
citations inside to find owner's car, along with
Valbuena, in an apartment complex.

Deputies recovered the weapon used in the robbery and
the money.


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Now there are more overweight people in America than
average-weight people. So overweight people are now
average. See....You've met your New Year's resolution




If you're like most people, your New Year's resolutions are
beginning to crumble and you're wondering why you even
bothered. What made you set your goals so high? Did you
really believe you'd be able to maintain a high-protein
diet, get more sleep, and take a bath once a week?

What were you thinking when you resolved to replace your
daily serving of bean sprouts with a chocolate bar? Who were
you fooling when you resolved to watch six hours of TV every
day, play the lottery, and run three miles a year?

OK, perhaps you did get carried away. Perhaps you expected
too much out of yourself. But don't despair. You're not
alone. Millions of others are also kicking themselves,
struggling to salvage the last remnants of their
resolutions, wondering which store, if any, might sell them
an ounce of willpower.

For some, the end came too soon. They resolved to do less
drinking, but found themselves, on New Year's Day, having an
intimate conversation with the toilet bowl. "You here again?
Me too. Small world!"

For others, it lasted a little longer. They resolved to do
more reading, but found themselves, a week into January,
unable to enjoy the words scrolling across CNN.

If that doesn't comfort you, perhaps you'll take solace in
the failings of celebrities. Making resolutions has been a
futile task for some:

---Winona Ryder: She resolved to lift weights every day, but
the only thing she feels like lifting is a shop.

---Whitney Houston: She resolved to lose 150 pounds, but
hasn't yet found the courage to ask her husband to leave.

---Pam Anderson: She resolved to gain 20 pounds, but doctors
have advised her against getting new implants.

---Tipper Gore: She resolved to be less sensitive about her
weight, but couldn't help taking offense when she overheard
a waiter at a posh restaurant describing her as a "very big

---George W. Bush: He resolved to improve his diet by
cutting back on "animal foods," but so far, he has managed
to say 'no' only to horseradish.

---Evander Holyfield: He resolved to spend more time with
his children, but he's having too much trouble finding them.

As you can see, it isn't easy to keep resolutions. It isn't
easy to change your life. So what do you do? One solution is
to accept yourself the way you are. You're a unique
person -- no one else has your unique blend of shortcomings.
No one else has your God-given combination of laziness,
tardiness, absent-mindedness, shortsightedness, stinginess,
nosiness, and helplessness.

So what if you'll never be as svelte as Oprah Winfrey? So
what if you'll never be as graceful as Al Gore? So what if
you'll never be as honest as Martha Stewart? At least you're

Another solution is to set daily and monthly goals -- and
keep them realistic. Small goals help you achieve big goals.
If you're hoping to compete in the New York City Marathon,
don't try to run 26 miles right away. Begin by doing 26 laps
around your coffee table. If you faint halfway, don't worry.

You can try again tomorrow.

(c) Copyright 2003 Melvin Durai. All Rights Reserved.

Melvin Durai is an Indiana-based writer and
humorist. A native of India, he grew up in Zambia
and moved to the U.S. in the early 1980s. Read his
previous columns at http://www.melvindurai.com
For a free subscription to his columns,
send a blank

Your article length submissions are welcome...send your
humourous submissions of between 300 and 500 words to:
<a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">Editorials</a>
Editorial comments expressed here are copyright the writer and
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