ΣΏΣ<--------- http://www.paulsfunhouse.com --------->ΣΏΣ
ΣΏΣ<----------The Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour ---------->ΣΏΣ

<---------------------PHWeekly Joke Ezine!--------------------->
<-------The Little Sister Of Purehumour Joke Ezine------>

PHWEEKLY is sent by request ONLY...if you wish to stop
receiving these mailings then please visit:
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WELL...the web is under attack....currently I have no access to my
site so who knows when this will make it out to you. I'm sure it will
get out there...but just when?

Got something on your mind? Check out my Web-Forum at:
<a href=" http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/board/ ">Web-Board</a>

Or if you are looking for someplace to go...check out my NEW Links
page at:
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I am looking for guest editors of Weird News Weekly and
PHWeekly...both ezines are published on Saturday...and
both of them are suffering due to my committments else-
where...if you think you have the "right stuff" drop me an
email at: [EMAIL PROTECTED] and let me know what
you have to offer.

Today's issue includes contributions by: Rubin, Keli, SunAmy,
John, Colorado Kid, Ruth, Witch.

If you want to see your name here...send your jokes to:
<a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">Jokes</a>

Lets start with a quickie:

What is it about the navy and submarines that women love so much?

Is it the concept of a long, hard cylinder filled with seamen
. . . or is it the concept of going down for three months at a time?

ΣΏΣ--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------ΣΏΣ

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Bad Class Project
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Find the Car
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Get A Cluepon
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Cosmopolitan, The Married Womans Edition
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Little Johnny and Little Susie were walking along a trail in the woods.
Little Susie noticed that some of the animals were behaving oddly.
"Little Johnny, why is that rabbit on top that other one?" she asked.

Little Johnny stops to consider his answer, and replies, "They're making

"Cigarettes?" she says, as they continue walking along. Pretty soon they
approach a couple of raccoons. Little Susie asked, "Are they making
cigarettes too?"

"Yea," says Little Johnny

Little Susie looks around and says, "it looks like all the animals are
making cigarettes, why don't we make cigarettes?"

Little Johnny was quick to say, "OK!"

A hour or so later Little Johnny and Little Susie were walking out of
the woods, when she asked, "Little Johnny, what kinda cigarettes did we

Little Johnny stops to think about his answer, then replies, "Well if
you get a hump in your belly it's a Camel, and if you don't it's a Lucky



Why not give us a vote or recommend us to a friend?

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ΣΏΣ----------------------TODAY IN HISTORY-----------------------ΣΏΣ

If today is your birthday...you share it with:

1950 Michael Cotton rocker (Tubes)
1950 Gloria Naylor US author (Women of Brewster Place)
1951 Steve Prefontaine Coos Bay OR, 5K (Olympics-4th-1972)
1953 Malcolm Green rocker (Split Enz-I Got You)
1954 Condredge Holloway Alabama, CFL quarterback (Ottawa, Toronto)
1954 Richard Finch rock bassist (KC & Sunshine-That's the Way I Like It)
1956 Andy Cox Birmingham England, rock guitarist (Fine Young Cannibals-She Drives Me Crazy)
1957 Martha Elizabeth Thomsen Moses Lake WA, playmate (May, 1980)
1957 Edmund Theodore Sylvers rocker (Sylvers)
1957 Jeff Gossett NFL punter (Oakland Raiders)
1957 Jenifer Lewis actress (Girl 6, Meteor Man, Sister Act)
1958 Dinah Manoff New York City NY, actress (Elaine-Soap, Carol-Empty Nest)
1958 Gary Brian Tibbs London, rock bassist (Adam & The Ants, Roxy Music-Let's Stick Together)
1958 Harti Weirather Austrian alpine skier
1961 Michele Tobin Chicago IL, actress (Fitzpatricks)
1962 Chris Chelios Chicago IL, NHL defenseman (Chicago Blackhawks, Team USA)
1963 Carl Fysh rocker (Brother Beyond-Can You Keep a Secret)
1963 Joe Lloyd Highland Park IL, Canadian Tour golfer (1993 Space Coast)
1963 Suzanne Klemann Dutch singer (Loοs Lane-I Wanna Be)
1964 Chip Foster actor/twin of Pepper (Chip & Pepper's Surf's Up Saturday)
1964 Pepper Foster actor/twin of Chip (Chip & Pepper's Surf's Up Saturday)
1964 Bob Sweeney Concord, NHL center (New York Islanders, Calgary Flames)
1964 William Thomas Andrade Fall River MA, PGA golfer (1991 Kemper Open)
1965 Brian Holman Winfield KS, pitcher (Cincinnati Reds, Seattle Mariners)
1965 Esa Tikkanen Helsinki Finland, NHL left wing (Panthers, Canucks, Olympics-B-98)
1966 John [Vo] Velyvis North Adams MA, rower (Olympics-1996)
1966 Mark Schlereth NFL guard (Denver Broncos-Super Bowl XXXII)
1966 Paul Ranheim St Louis MO, NHL left wing (Hartford Whalers)
1966 Pavel Torgajev Nizhnij Novgorod, NHL left wing (Calgary Flames)
1966 Richie Lewis US baseball pitcher (Florida Marlins)
1967 Mario Brunetta hockey goaltender (Team Italy 1998)
1967 Marty Calder St Catharine ON, 62 kg freestyle wrestler (Olympics-12-92,96)
1967 Randy Mckay Montrιal Quιbec Canada, NHL right wing (New Jersey Devils)
1968 Lynette Brooky New Zealand, golfer (New Zealand Open 1993/94)
1968 Roosevelt Collins WLAF DL (Amsterdam Admirals)
1968 Tim De Leede cricketer (Holland batsman 1996 World Cup)
1969 Jesse Harte Rome GA, heavy metal vocalist (Southgang-Tainted Angel)
1969 Heidi Wolfgramm rocker (Jets)
1969 Nolan Harrison NFL defensive tackle (Oakland Raiders, Pitt Steelers)
1969 Penny Moore WNBA guard/forward (Charlotte Sting)

.....and on this day in history:

1950 73ΊF (23ΊC) highest temperature ever recorded in Cleveland in January
1951 UN begins counter offensive in Korea
1952 Test debut of Richie Benaud, vs West Indies at the SCG
1953 WABI TV channel 5 in Bangor ME (CBS) begins broadcasting
1953 Yuri Sergejev skates world record 500m in 40.9 seconds
1955 Jill Kinmont hits a tree & breaks her back in Snow Cup Ski Race
1955 Russia ends state of war with Germany
1955 Columbia University scientists develop an atomic clock accurate to within one second in 300 years
1955 US & Panama sign canal treaty
1956 96.5 cm (38.0") of rainfall, Kilauea Plantation, HI (state record)
1957 FBI arrests Jack & Myra Sobel, charged with spying for the USSR
1959 1st transcontinental commercial jet flight (American) (Los Angeles to New York for $301)
1959 Pope John XXIII proclaims 2nd Vatican council
1961 1st live, nationally televised Presidential news conference (JFK)
1961 Walt Disney's "101 Dalmations" released
1961 Louise Suggs wins LPGA Naples Pro-Am Golf Tournament
1961 Military coup in El Salvador
1964 Beatles 1st US #1, "I Want to Hold your Hand" (Cashbox)
1964 Echo 2, US communications satellite launched
1966 WCMC (now WMGM) TV channel 40 in Wildwood New Jersey (NBC) 1st broadcast
1968 Risse St in the Bronx named for Louis Risse (engineer who pioneered underpasses at major intersections)
1968 Robert Anderson's "I Never Sang for My Father" premieres in New York City NY
1969 US-North Vietnamese peace talks begin in Paris

©2003 http://www.scopesys.com/today/

One time when I was home visiting my folks, my mom asked me to set
the table for dinner. I opened the refrigerator and taped to the
inside of the door was a risquι picture of a lovely, slender,
perfectly built, but scantily-clad young woman.

"Mom, what's this?" I asked.

"Oh, I put that up there to remind me not to over-eat," she

"Is it working?" I asked.

"Yes and no," she explained. "I've lost 15 pounds, but your
dad has gained 20!"

ΣΏΣ----------------------COLUMN PREVIEW--------------------ΣΏΣ

with shocking photos...
by Larry Graves

A few years ago, I had two operations in the space of a couple of months. These were not major operations. Although for most men, I believe they would prefer triple heart bypass surgery instead. No man alive has ever looked forward to either of these operations. In fact, I can guarantee you the following statements have never been said by any man in existence:

#1 "Honey, I am so happy! Today I have my vasectomy operation!!"
#2 "Yes! I am finally getting the circumcision I have always wanted!"

Yes, dear readers, 1990 was not a good year for a member of the family. My member, my private part, my willy, my manhood, my good luck charm I carry wherever I go.


<a href=" http://www.gravetimes.com/willy.htm ">Click</a>

ΣΏΣ-----------------------QUICK QUOTE----------------------------ΣΏΣ

Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I
repeat myself.
-Mark Twain

ΣΏΣ--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------ΣΏΣ

I Knew One Day It Would Finally Happen
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Talk To The Hand
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A Hard Man Is Good To Find
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Ride My Harley
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High Heels Make Your Calves Look Sexy
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A drunken Irishman gets on a train and asks the conductor how long the
trip is between Limerick and Cork.

"About two hours," says the conductor.

"Okay," says the drunkard, "then how long is the trip between Cork and

The irate conductor says to the drunk "It's still about two hours,
laddie. Why'd ya think there'd be a difference?"

"Well," says the drunk, "it's only a week between Christmas and New
Year's, but it's a helluva long time between New Year's and Christmas!"

ΣΏΣ-------------------------A DOG'S WORLD------------------------ΣΏΣ

A Dog's World is a continuing story that will appear in each
issue...miss a segment?...then check out the archives at:

"You have a problem with that name Sparky"? The cat asked.

"I'm sorry but my favorite chew toy was named Gus." Rex answered.

"Well, If that chew toy still existed and could talk I could only imagine the
horrors it could tell of time spent alone with you." The cat snapped back.

The dogs began to discuss with Gus on how they could help each other. The
dogs agreed to share some of their fruit with the cats in exchange for
directions to a source for water the cats had discovered. Both sides agreed
that for now it was best that they respect each others turf and arranged that
all meetings would be held at a neutral location. They also agreed to search
in different directions for any other signs of life and to share any
information they gathered.

Back at the basement the dogs talked about marking their territory and how to
conduct a search of the land. All agreed to get some sleep and start off
early in the morning. As they settled in for some rest all of the dogs
listened as hard as they could for any noise they recognized. They heard
nothing and it scared them.

Sam was a little spooked by the silence and in order to soothe himself he
posed a rhetorical question to the group. "If we survived and the cats
survived, surely there must be others who made it"?

No one answered, but all seemed to give his theory some serious thought and

After a night or restless sleep the dogs fanned out into what used to be the
countryside. Along they way they marked their territory the way dogs normally
do as they headed north. They agreed to keep each other within barking
distance. As they trotted a long they noticed that for the first time in days
there seemed to be a light wind. The ground was not as flat the further they
moved out. Small hills and bumps made them feel more confident that Sam's
reasoning was solid.

Copyright 2001-03 D. Scott
Check out more at: http://www.humorcorner.com
ΣΏΣ--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------ΣΏΣ

How Could This Accident Have Happened
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/hitcher.html ">Click</a>

Highway Signs For Certain Individuals
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/hiwaysigns.html ">Click</a>

Celebrity High School Yearbook Pics
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Ice Love
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/icelove.html ">Click</a>

<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/jacuzzi.html ">Click</a>


A man walked into the bar. As he waited for his
drink, he noticed a gorgeous young Indian girl
sipping a soft drink at the other end of the
bar. He told the bartender to give her a real
drink. The bartender replied, "I can't. The C.P.
would be on my ass."

"What's the C.P.?"

"City Police."

The man finished his drink and ordered another.
Again, he asked the bartender to give the Indian
girl a real drink, but this time the bartender
said, "I can't. The S.P. would shut me down."

"What's the S.P.?"

"State Police."

Just then the Indian girl got up an walked
out of the bar. The man hurried out after
her. An hour later, he staggered back into
the bar, his clothes covered with blood,
his nose broken.

"The F.B.I. got me!" the man moaned.

"What do you mean the F.B.I?" the bartender

"A Fucking Big Indian!"


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When the wise company president learned that his
employees were tanking up on no-trace vodka martinis
during their lunch hours, he issued the following
memo: To all employees; If you must drink during you
lunch hours, please drink whiskey. It is better for
our customers to know you're drunk than to think you're

ΣΏΣ--------------FROM THE BATHROOM WALL -------------ΣΏΣ

I think it's important to remember that we just can't be good at
everything. For example, look at Liberace, he was a great pianist, but
he sucked on the organ.

ΣΏΣ-------------------------QUIZ QUEEN------------------------------ΣΏΣ

In about 1618 the French explorer Ιtienne Brϋlι, became the first white man to reach Michigan. What was he searching for?

A. The largest Wolverine in the Americas
B. The Garden of Eden
C. A waterway to the Pacific Ocean
D. Gold

<Answers in Next Issue!>


Last Issue's Answers:

What unique geographical feature sets Michigan apart from the other states?

A. It consists of two peninsulas

QQ: It is unique among the states because it consists of two peninsulas completely separated by water.

© Copyright 2003 Dawggone Communications
Website: http://quizqueen.net

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman
sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his
courage, he finally goes over to her and asks tentatively.
"Umm, would you mind if I chatted with you for awhile?"

She yells at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with
you tonight!"

Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the
guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks
back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walks over
to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm
sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student
in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to
embarrassing situations."

At the top of his lungs, he responds, "What do you mean

ΣΏΣ--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------ΣΏΣ

Whats Under That Kilt
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/kilt.html ">Click</a>

Lucky Day
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/luckyday.html ">Click</a>

Did You Have A Mammo Today
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Truly A Male Cat
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<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/mcladen.html ">Click</a>


So a guy goes into this diner, and it's not too clean.
The waitress comes over, and she doesn't look
too good, either. He figures he's not going to
take any chances, so he orders two
hamburgers and a hot dog.

Well, a few minutes later the waitress comes over with
the hamburgers under her arms.

He asks, "What are the hamburgers doing under your arms?"

She says,"I'm keeping them warm."

He says, Cancel the hot dog."

ΣΏΣ-------------------DAILY TOON FEATURES-------------------ΣΏΣ

If you like funny, wacky, and clean cartoons, then check out
"Strange Breed". It's sure to make you and your whole family

<a href="http://www2.hi.net/s4/strangebreed.htm";>Click</a>

Gus really gets cooking...a new strip each day!
<a href="http://www.guscooks.com/strips.php";>Click</a>

All this and more on my website:

ΣΏΣ---------------DUSTING OFF THE ARCHIVES---------------ΣΏΣ

In an attempt to boost the number of visits to the Purehumour
archives...in each issue I will highlight today's date in the archives
from the past three years...take a look at todays issue in history
to see how Purehumour has evolved and what was funny in the

I ran this one yesterday in Purehumour...basically I forgot what
the date was! ;)

<a href=" http://www.escribe.com/humor/pj/m790.html ">Click</a>


Do you love PHWeekly? Enough to open your wallet a little?
If you wish to donate to support the continue success of this
ezine...please visit the link below...no amount is too small!
<a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/ph.html ">Click</a>

ΣΏΣ--------------------IT'S NOT PUNNY!------------------------------ΣΏΣ

New Delhi, India - Hinjew leaders today conceded the merger of Hinduism
and Judaism has not worked out as planned. Instead of forming a
super-religion to fight off the common Islamic enemy, they have instead
created a race of 900 million people who, no matter how many times they
are reincarnated, can never please their mothers.


Bush Perfume
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If They Mated - Harrison Ford & Calista Flockhart
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If They Mated - Jennifer Lopez & Ben Affleck
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<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/bushaer.html ">Click</a>

Dancin With Dubya
<a href=" http://humorcorner.com/dmp/bush.html ">Click</a>

Dan's Discount Dicks
<a href=" http://ezinesetc.com/jj7.htm ">Click</a>

Big Jugs
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Strip BlackJack With Jodi
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Some "Sex-Facts" that you may not need to know!

* Male bats have the highest rate of homosexuality of any group of
mammals that exist- especially fruit bats. (batty)

* Lions will have sex about 500 times with one mate. This is to
ensure fertilization. (any excuse)

* In Texas it is illegal to have sex with a fish, in Florida it is
illegal to get a fish drunk, and N. Carolina thought both laws were good
so there it is illegal to have sex with a drunk fish.

* Sperm Whales are sexually mature at birth.

* In Argentina, it is rumoured that eating cats is good for your
health and stimulates sexual potency.

* You can tell a turtle's sex by its sound. Males grunt, females

* Human birth control pills work on gorillas.

* The eagle has sex while going up to 60 mph. in flight, and it is
common for both eagles to hit the ground before they finish. (out with a

* Apart from humans, certain species of chimpanzee are the only
animals to experiment sexually. They have been known to 'wife swap' and
indulge in group sex. (brings a whole new meaning to monkeying around)

* According to Dr. David Gems, a British geneticist, sex-craved male
mice, who spend 5 to 11 hours per day pursuing female mice, could live
years longer if they abstained. ( tell that to bill clinton)

* In the past 60 years, the groundhog has only predicted the weather
correctly 28% of the time. The rushing back and forth from burrows is
believed to indicate sexual activity, not shadow seeking.

* A certain musical note can sexually excite cats -- the same note
when played for kittens makes them want to go to the bathroom.

* If disconnected, the sex organs (or gonads) of an armadillo are
still active.

* The ten-inch Banana Slugs of the Northwest end their 30 hour
hermaphroditic mating session by chewing off each other's male sex
organs. (banana bobit)

* Mosquitoes perform a sex act that lasts only 2 seconds. (some women
have met a man like this)

* The largest living animal, the blue whale, naturally enough also
has the largest penis, measuring approximately 10 feet long and 1 foot
in diameter. It's cousin, the sperm whale, gets as big as 9 feet. And
yes, the sperm whale is so named because early sailors thought those
gallons of white, gooey oil found in its head was indeed sperm. (met one or
two sperm women)

* Long a symbol of sexual potency, the rhinoceros can ejaculate ten
times or more during his half hour session with a female. They also have
penises that are 2 feet long. (what did you expect with a horn like that)

* Though barnacles can't move, they still mate via an extraordinarily
long penis (150% their body length) that reaches over and into the
female's mantle cavity.

* Female chimpanzees have been observed masturbating with their
fingers, twigs and a water faucet. (stay of the water)

* A drone honeybee will wait his whole life for one chance to mate
with a queen. As soon as the queen opens her sting chamber to receive
him, he explodes, his genitals bursting forth like a detonating grenade.
Plugged, the queen flies away, leaving the drone to fall to the ground
dead and eviscerated, albeit with a smile on his face.

* Fleas are known to engage in sex immediately after feasting on
rabbit's blood specifically if the opportunity presents itself.

* Gorilla penises are only a third of that of an average man's.

* Humans aren't the only female animals that can experience orgasm;
some rabbits and ferrets do as well. (how do they find this out)

* A whale's penis is called a dork, which incidentally, is where we
get the derogatory slang.

* Porpoises have been known to engage in group sex. (they do it on

* Pigs do indeed have a corkscrew-shaped penis. When engaged in sex,
the male's penis will make semi-rotary actions until it becomes firmly
secured in the folds of the female's cervix at which point the male
ejaculates, a process which in itself takes as long as 30 minutes. (is why
they call it a screw)

* Female baboons have been known to engage in a primitive form of
prostitution by stealing food during sex.

* The average mink sexual encounter lasts for several hours (how do
you think they get their coats so shiny?)

* 22.75 hours is the current record for the longest rattlesnake
mating session.

* The female bedbug is born without any external sex organs. So the
male bedbug has to drill his pointed penis to drill a hole into her
partner's gut and deposit his sperm into her bloodstream. During long
spells without access to human blood, the female's been known to dine on
her male partner's semen. (go on drill her)

* Capuchin monkeys usually say hello by showing each other their

* Perhaps the originator of the "quickie," a baboon engages in a
typical sex session that lasts all of 15 seconds.


Get your condoms here!
<a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/5.html ">Click</a>


The nursery school teacher says to her class, "Who can
use the word 'definitely' in a sentence?"

First a little girl says, "The sky is definitely blue."
Teacher says, "Sorry, Amy, but the sky can be gray, or

Then a little boy said, "Trees are definitely green."
Again the teacher corrected, "Sorry, but in the autumn,
the trees are brown."

Little Johnny from the back of the class stands up and
asks, "Does a fart have lumps?"

The teacher looks horrified and says, "Johnny! Of course

"OK, then I DEFINITELY shit my pants."

ΣΏΣ--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------ΣΏΣ

Am I A Microwave
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/micro.html ">Click</a>

Hospital Mishap
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/mishap.html ">Click</a>

Pussy In His Pants
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/pinp.html ">Click</a>

YES She IS Naked
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/naked.html ">Click</a>

Nice Butt
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/nicebutt.html ">Click</a>

ΣΏΣ-------------------------WEIRD NEWS---------------------------ΣΏΣ

Two Thai policemen were robbed by two young women after
taking pills they were told would enhance their sexual

The women, believed to be in their teens, had promised the
men sex after they met at a Bangkok nightclub.

They invited the officers to a nearby hotel, where they stole
their guns, a gold necklace, and money.

The policemen were found by hotel staff after they failed to
check out. It's not known if the officers will be disciplined.

Weird News is a daily feature of Purehumour...it contains
a previously published News Report. If you find an article
that you wish to see here..please send the article, name of
the publication and date to:
<a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">News</a>
IF you like Weird News...subscribe to my weekly ezine of
Weird News Weekly:
<a href=" http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com ">Lists</a>

Bill Clinton, Al Gore and George W. Bush died and found
themselves standing on the other side of the Jordan River,
looking across at the promised land.

The Archangel Michael was standing on the other side and
shouted over to the three surprised Americans, "Contrary to
what you have been taught, each of you will have to wade
across the Jordan River."

As Michael saw their perplexed looks, he reassured them by
saying, "Don't worry. You will only sink proportionally
according to your sins on earth. The more you have sinned
the more you will sink into the water."

The three American sages of political lore looked at one
another, trying to determine who shall be the first brave
soul to cross the Jordan River. Finally George W.
volunteered to go first. Slowly he began to wade out into
the river, and slowly the water began to get higher and
higher, reaching to his waist. George began to sweat,
thinking that all of his sins are coming back to haunt him.
He was beginning to wonder if he would ever see the other

Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, he began to
emerge on the river's bank. As he ascended to the other
side, he looked behind him to see which one of the other
brave souls was going next. A shock of surprise registered
on his face, as he saw Al Gore almost in the middle of the
river and only his ankles barely touching the water. He
turned to Michael and exclaimed, "I know Al Gore, Al Gore
is a friend of mine, and he has sinned much, much more
than that!"

Before the Archangel Michael could reply, Al Gore shouted
back, "I'm standing on Clinton's shoulders!!!"

ΣΏΣ-------------------------QUICK WIT-------------------------------ΣΏΣ

[||||] T W I N G I A N T S [||||]

"A thirty year old blues record by Mick Jagger and John Lennon is going
on the auction block... 'Too Many Crooks' with Rolling Stones frontman
Jagger on vocals and ex Beatle Lennon on guitar... " (LAD/1/20)

Next to a cut of Keith Richards and YokoOno doing an accordian polka

Copyright © 2003 by Bob Mills, all rights reserved.

Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared
in court on Friday before the judge. The judge said, "you seem like nice
young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance instead of jail
time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils
of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in
court Monday.

Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the 1st one,
"How did you do over the weekend?"

"Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."

"17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?"

"I used a diagram, your honor. I drew 2 circles like this... O o and told
them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs, and this (small
circle) is your brain after drugs."

"That's admirable," said the judge, "And you, how did you do?" (to the
second boy)

"Well your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."
"156 people! That's amazing! How did you do that?"

"Well, I used a similar approach. (draws 2 circles) o O "I said,
(pointing to the small circle) this is your asshole before prison!


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Robert Peter Nelson III, a Washington County plumber
accused of holding up two convenience stores and trying
to rob a third, was arrested early Sunday as he got out
of a van emblazoned with the name "Nelson Plumbing and
Heating" and a phone number.

Allegheny County Assistant Police Superintendent James
Morton said the robbery spree went down the drain when
Nelson and the van matched the descriptions from witnesses
at all three stores.

"He made it pretty easy to solve by advertising himself,"
Morton said.

Clairton police Officer Sean McGrail knew where the van
was usually parked and arrested Nelson, 21, as he got out
of the vehicle on Halcomb Street.

About 2:30 a.m. at the Shop 'n' Go in West Elizabeth, a man
demanded the clerk open the cash register. When she refused,
he grabbed the machine and left, the police affidavit

About two hours later, Clairton police responded to a call
from a Uni-Mart on Carnegie Avenue. A man matching the descrip-
tion of the robber in West Elizabeth had said he was armed and
demanded money, the affidavit states.

When the clerks refused to follow his orders, he left without
money and without showing a gun, police said.

Another robbery occurred several minutes later at the Uni-Mart
on nearby Miller Avenue. After the robber grabbed some cash and
was driving away, police said, the store manager got a look at
the van.

Police said they found a suspected crack pipe and $13 in Nelson's
pockets, and the Shop 'n' Go cash register.


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Did you hear bout the guy who got his sleeping pills mixed up with his

He went to bed and had 40 wanks


by Lynette

Thank God for Iraq!

Being an unemployed humor columnist, I am eternally grateful for
good material. I wrote what I thought was a very funny column about
the local transit system adopting new standards for their riders to
be pleasant smelling. The next day, the city council killed the new
rules and subsequently, my column died, also. Some people have no
respect for the arts at all.

Therefore, I am so pleased that Iraq is still around to supply me
with new targets to mock.

The old "axis of evil" is on an axle, it seems. U.N. officials say
that Iraq has mobile labs wheeling around the country with all the
ingredients on board for biological weapons.

Gives a whole new meaning to Meals on Wheels.

Yes, Dial-a-Ride is now Dial-a-Death. Reminds me of the old joke,
back when Dominos had the 30-minute guarantee, that the only good
thing about cell phones was ordering from Dominos and outrunning
them until it was free.

So here come the U.N. inspectors and THERE THEY GO.

Cue the William Tell Overture.

I can just picture the scene: Our U.S. Marines, who, if you believe
the current television commercials, are running around rock
climbing, armed only with swords, chasing down the Iraqi version of
the Bad Humor Man. "Hey! Come back here! We gotta inspect y'all!
I declare, they're getting away!" And the mobile biological weapon
van would go off into the desert with the driver chanting, "We have
nothing to hide. We have nothing to hide."

So my idea is for us to send our soldiers some speed. Here in Bend,
we only have one kind of motorcycle and that is, of course, the
Harley Davidson. There just ain't no other kind of ride allowed
around here.

The local riders are quite active in our community. Anytime it's a
nice, sunny day, which is quite often around here, you'll see just
whole herds of them riding around in Hog Heaven with bugs on their
teeth. They have this big annual ride from Bend to Redmond, which
is about 15 miles, when they just take over every lane in the road.
They collect food and toys for charity and participate in the
Christmas Parade riding right between the Boy Scouts and the Corgi
Sled Team. Their hearts are just about as big as their bikes and
you just won't find a more pleasant and interesting group of people.

I think we ought to send over a whole slew of Harley-Davidson
motorcycles for our troops on the Gulf Coast. Just let them thunder
on in to Baghdad and ride ol' Saddam out of town. Those mobile labs
start to take off and they'll have them encircled and corralled
before you can spit twice.

Ride to live. Live to ride.



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