ΣΏΣ<--------- http://www.paulsfunhouse.com --------->ΣΏΣ
ΣΏΣ<----------The Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour ---------->ΣΏΣ

<---------------------PHWeekly Joke Ezine!--------------------->
<-------The Little Sister Of Purehumour Joke Ezine------>

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This issue was originally scheduled to be sent Saturday February 1st 2003...
but due to the tradgedy involving the Columbia Space Shuttle it was held
back. Remember the brave souls that we lost in our continuing efforts to
explore space. It is a dangerous business and should never be considered

I am still looking for someone who is willing to help in publishing PHWeekly and/or
Weird News Weekly on an occasional basis...if you are interested..please send
your info to [EMAIL PROTECTED]

My son and I are working on a new project...we are looking for the UGLIEST or
most USELESS websites around...sites that are just a "waste of space"...these
will all be put together in a nice little package and posted for all to see. We have
a new domain name, a new site design, and are almost ready to go...watch for
the site to be announced here soon. Meanwhile if you know of any sites that you
think we should consider...please send them to:
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Today's issue includes contributions by: Nevanish, Di Ann, SunAmy,
Marina, D.A. Funk, Colorado Kid.

If you want to see your name here...send your jokes to:
<a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">Jokes</a>

Lets start with a quickie:

Do you know why sex is a simple, three-letter word?

Because it's easier to spell than:

ΣΏΣ--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------ΣΏΣ

Wanna Redeem This Coupon
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Russian Synchronized Swim Team
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Too Hot For Him
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Why Some People Should NOT Play Twister
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/twister.html ">Click</a>

Zodiac Signs
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/jill19.html ">Click</a>

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A group of prisoners are in their rehabilitation meeting.
Their task for today is to each stand up in turn
speak their name and admit to their fellow inmates
what crime they committed.

The first prisoner stands and says "My name is
Daniel and I'm in for murder"

Everyone gives him approving looks and pats on
the back for admitting his wrong doing.

The next guy stands up and says
"My name is Mike and I'm in for armed robbery" Again,
there is a round of approving looks.

This goes around the circle until it gets to the last guy.
He stands up and says "My name is Melvin, but I'm not
telling you what I'm in for"

The group leader says "Now, come on Melvin, you
have to admit it to us to make any progress.
Tell us what you did."

"Ok then. I'm in for screwing dogs."

Everyone is disgusted! They all shout "Oh that's
disgusting! How LOW can you go!?!"

"Chihuahuas", Melvin replies.



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ΣΏΣ----------------------TODAY IN HISTORY-----------------------ΣΏΣ

If today is your birthday...you share it with:

1951 Andrew Smith British MP
1951 Brandis Kemp Palo Alto CA, actress/comedienne (Fridays)
1952 Rick James [James Johnson], rock/soul/funk vocalist (Super Freak)
1953 Andy Mill skier/husband of Chris Evert
1953 C A Barnett headmaster (Whitgift School)
1954 Mike Campbell guitarist (Tom Petty & Heartbreakers-Breakdown)
1954 Billy Mumy California, actor (Will Robinson-Lost in Space, Dear Brigitte)
1955 Kate Ashbrook General Secretary (Open Spaces Society)
1957 Donna Adamek Duarte CA, bowler (BWAA Woman of Year 1978-81)
1958 Maureen Madill Coleraine Northern Ireland, golfer (British Open Amateur 1979)
1959 Anthony LaPaglia Adelaide South Australia, actor (Murder One, Criminal Justice, Betsy's Wedding)
1959 Carolyn Hill Santa Monica CA, LPGA golfer (1994 McCall's Classic)
1959 Mike Horan NFL punter (New York Giants)
1959 Wade Wilson NFL quarterback (Dallas Cowboys)
1961 Daniel M Tani Ridley Park MD, astronaut
1961 Gabrielle Carteris Phoenix AZ, actress (Beverly Hills 90210)
1961 Gina Hull Jacksonville FL, LPGA golfer (1989 USX Golf Classic-8th)
1964 Jani Lane rocker (Warrant-Cherry Pie)
1964 Dwayne Rudolph Goettel musician
1964 Kaitlin Hopkins New York NY, actress (Kelsey-Another World)
1964 Sharon Bruneau Toronto Ontario, actress (Sensuous Muscle)
1965 Brandon Lee Emerson CO, actor (Showdown in Little Tokyo)
1965 Sherilyn Fenn Detroit MI, actress (2 Moon Junction, Twin Peaks)
1965 David Callaghan cricketer (South African all-rounder in one-dayers 1992)
1965 Stephanie Marie Elisabeth de Grimaldi Monte Carlo Monaco, Princess
1966 Donna Edmondson Greensboro NC, playmate of the year (November 1986)
1966 Eddie Zambrano Venezuelan/US baseball outfielder (Chicago Cubs)
1966 Michelle Akers Santa Clara CA, soccer forward (Olympics-96)
1967 Laura E Dern Los Angeles CA, actress (Blue Velvet, Mask, Smooth Talk)
1967 Tim Naehring Cincinnati OH, infielder (Boston Red Sox)
1968 George Quigley Jr Cincinnati OH, skeet (Olympics-1996)
1968 Javier Sanchez Spain, tennis star
1968 Kent Mercker Dublin OH, pitcher (Atlanta Braves, Baltimore Orioles)
1968 Lisa Marie Presley Keough Jackson Memphis TN, (Elvis' daughter)
1968 Mark Recchi Kamloops, NHL right wing (Montrιal Canadiens)
1968 Pauly Shore Hollywood, comedian (Totally Pauly, Encino Man)
1968 Sean Millington CFL fullback (British Columbia Lions)
1969 Bryan Jacob Palatka FL, 59 kg (130 lbs) weightlifter (Olympics-1992, 96)
1969 John Moore Australian baseball catcher (Olympics-1996)

.....and on this day in history:

1950 Urko Kekkonen elected president of Finland
1950 USSR demands condemnation of Emperor Hirohito for war crimes
1951 1st telecast of atomic explosion - US nuclear test at Nevada Test Site
1951 1st X-ray moving picture process demonstrated
1951 -50ΊF (-46ΊC), Gavilan NM (state record)
1951 Alfred Krupp & 28 other German war criminals freed
1951 UN condemns People's Republic of China as aggressor in Korea
1952 General strike against French colonial management in Tunisia
1952 S[amuel] N[athaniel] Behrman's "Jane" premieres in New York NY
1953 "General Electric Theater" premieres on CBS TV; Reagan later hosts
1953 "You Are There" with Walter Cronkite premieres on CBS television
1953 Dr A de Waal appointed as Netherlands 1st female assistant Secretary of state
1953 Flooding in Netherlands, kills 1,835
1953 WEEK TV channel 25 in Peoria IL (NBC) begins broadcasting
1954 1st TV soap opera "Secret Storm" premieres
1954 Scapino Ballet Studio in Amsterdam destroyed by fire
1954 Soccer team The County forms in Doetinchem
1955 H C Hansen appointed premier of Denmark
1956 Hague Daily Newspaper reveals war crimes of Hague mayor Schokking
1956 WSAV TV channel 3 in Savannah GA (NBC) begins broadcasting
1957 1st black pilot (PH Young) on a US scheduled passenger airline
1957 Gijsbert of Hall appointed mayor of Amsterdam
1958 1st US satellite (Explorer I) launched
1958 Egypt & Syria announce plans to merge into United Arab Republic
1958 WFTV TV channel 9 in Orlando FL (ABC) begins broadcasting
1959 Swiss males vote against voting rights for women
1959 Texas Instruments requests patent of IC (Integrated Circuit)
1959 US female Figure Skating championship won by Carol Heiss
1959 US male Figure Skating championship won by David Jenkins
1959 Wiffi Smith win LPGA Havana Golf Tournament
1959 WVUE TV channel 8 in New Orleans LA (ABC) begins broadcasting
1959 Zack Wheat unanimously elected to baseball Hall of Fame
1960 4 students stage 1st civil rights sit-in, at Greensboro NC Woolworth
1960 34th Australian Women's Tennis Margaret Smith beats J Lehane (7-5 6-2)
1960 48th Australian Men's Tennis Rod Laver beats N Fraser (5-7 3-6 6-3 8-6 8-6)
1960 Extreme right-wing rebels in Algiers surrender
1961 1st full-scale test of US Minuteman ICBM is successful
1961 British minister Enoch Powell makes medical insurance more expensive
1961 Mackay & Kline hang on for 100 minutes for cricket draw vs West Indies
1962 "New Faces of '62" opens at Alvin Theater NYC for 28 performances
1962 NL releases its 1st 162-game schedule
1963 Nyasaland (now Malawi) becomes self-governing under Hastings Banda
1964 Beatles' "I Want to Hold Your Hand" 1st #1 hit & stays #1 for 7 weeks
1964 "Stop the World, I Want to..." closes at Shubert NYC after 556 performances
1964 Indiana Governor Mathew Walsh tries to ban "Louie Louie" for obscenity
1964 Suriname River dammed
1965 Martin Luther King Jr & 700 demonstrators arrested in Selma AL
1965 Dutch Queen Juliana opens Brienenoord Bridge in Rotterdam
1965 NL adopts emergency team replacement plan to restock any club struck by disaster
1965 Peter Jennings, 26, becomes anchor of ABC's nightly news
1967 Severe brush fires in Tasmania destroy $11 million & 60 lives
1967 WCLP TV channel 18 in Chatsworth GA (PBS) begins broadcasting
1968 Famous photo Saigon police chief Nguyen Ngoc Loan executes a Viet Cong officer with a pistol shot to the head
1968 Vince Lombardi resigns as coach of the Green Bay Packers
1968 Former Vice-President Richard Nixon announces candidacy for President
1968 World trade conference Unctad 2 opens in New Delhi
1969 Jim Morrison arrested for exposing himself in concert
1969 US female Figure Skating championship won by Janet Lynn
1969 US male Figure Skating championship won by Tim Wood
1969 WPGH TV channel 53 in Pittsburgh PA (IND) begins broadcasting

©2003 http://www.scopesys.com/today/

Over dinner, my wife said to me, "I met this horrible and rude man
downtown this morning and right away, I knew he was a troublemaker.
He started to insult me; he used really bad language;
he even threatened me!"

"How did you meet this fellow?" I asked, very concerned. She said,
"We met by accident, I hit him with the car."

ΣΏΣ----------------------COLUMN PREVIEW--------------------ΣΏΣ

World's fastest couple lands in controversy, but who wears the pink fluffy slippers?

By John Martin

The world's fastest couple, sprinters Marion Jones and Tim
Montgomery - who have been criticised for working with banned
Canadian coach Charlie Francis - have a lot in common with my
wife Katherine and me.

Um, not with running though.

Jones is the fastest woman sprinter in the world and Montgomery
is the fastest man. Katherine and I make a point of not running at
all if we can help it.

The big similarity is that Jones is taller than Monty - just like our

AND, they have the same-sized feet - just like us.


<a href=" http://johnmartin.actweb.net/sprinters.html ">Click</a>

ΣΏΣ-----------------------QUICK QUOTE----------------------------ΣΏΣ

"I won't say our school was tough, but we had our own coroner.
We used to write essays like: What I'm going to be if I grow
-Lenny Bruce

ΣΏΣ--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------ΣΏΣ

My Cooking Sucks
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/wife2.html ">Click</a>

How M & M Minis Are Made
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/mmminis.html ">Click</a>

I Miss My Exs Little Romantic Statements
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/jill49.html ">Click</a>

<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/maclogic.html ">Click</a>

Thanks For Parking So Close
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/mmthx.html ">Click</a>


A guy is sitting in a bar, absolutely drooling at a pretty young thing
in her short, pink mini- dress. Using the time honored ice breaker, he
sends her a drink.

"How lucky am I," he thinks, as she gets up to come sit next to him.
They strike up a wonderful conversation.

Finally the girl turns to him and says, "Look, you seem like a really
nice guy, so I have to tell you that I'm a working girl. I get two
hundred dollars for what you think you'll ply out of me with liquor."

He replies, "I have no problem with the money but, since you were so
straight forward I must tell you that when I come, I go nuts. I bite,
scratch, kick, punch, pull hair, break furniture,and just plain
destroy the place."

"Oh my God! How long does that last?" she asked.

"Just until I get my two hundred bucks back!" he replied.

ΣΏΣ-------------------------A DOG'S WORLD------------------------ΣΏΣ

A Dog's World is a continuing story that will appear in each
issue...miss a segment?...then check out the archives at:

They traveled for more than a but nothing had dramatically changed. They
wondered and hoped that the cats had found more success. Suddenly Shep began
to bark frantically. The others raced towards the sound of his bark that
seemed to echo forever. As they got to him he exclaimed, "Just stop and sniff
for a moment."

They did as instructed and sure enough they could smell something. They
weren't sure what it was but they did know the direction it was coming from
and they raced to get there as fast as they could. In the distance they could
see another hole in the ground with a small amount of debris surrounding it.
It was much bigger than the cat's hole but not quite as big as their basement

Sure enough, the hole was another basement of another home destroyed. The
smell was surely some kind of animal flesh. They crept in slowly and the
smell grew stronger. It took a minute for their eyes to adjust to the
darkness but when they did they realized they had a major find on their
hands. This basement had a freezer in it that was apparently knocked over
during the comet. The meat inside had thawed out. There was everything they
could've imagined; steaks, rump roast, pork chops. all there and for the

Copyright 2001-03 D. Scott
Check out more at: http://www.humorcorner.com
ΣΏΣ--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------ΣΏΣ

<a href=" http://www.buffalosjokes.com/at/30.htm ">Click</a>

Stand Closer
<a href=" http://www.buffalosjokes.com/at/31.htm ">Click</a>

Have You Been Flossing
<a href=" http://www.buffalosjokes.com/at/32.htm ">Click</a>

<a href=" http://judysjokes.com/atoons/jj/08070201.html ">Click</a>

Blonde Crossword
<a href=" http://judysjokes.com/atoons/jj/08070202.html ">Click</a>


An old Jewish man goes to a diner every day for lunch. He always orders
the soup du jour. One day the manager asks him how he liked his meal. The
old man replies (with Yiddish accent) "Wass goot, but you could give a
little more bread."

So the next day the manager tells the waitress to give him four slices of
bread. "How was your meal, sir?" the manager asks. "Wass goot, but you
could give a little more bread," comes the reply.

So the next day the manager tells the waitress to give him eight slices of
bread. "How was your meal today, sir?" the manager asks. "Wass goot, but
you could give a little more bread," comes the reply.

So ... the next day the manager tells the waitress to give him a whole
loaf of bread with his soup. "How was your meal, sir?" the manager asks,
when he comes to pay. "Wass goot, but you could give just a little more
bread," comes the reply once again.

The manager is now obsessed with seeing this customer say that he is
satisfied with his meal, so he goes to the bakery, and orders a
six-foot-long loaf of bread. When the man comes in as usual the next day,
the waitress and the manager cut the loaf in half, butter the entire
length of each half, and lay it out along the counter, right next to his
bowl of soup. The old man sits down, and devours both his bowl of soup,
and both halves of the six-foot-long loaf of bread.

The manager now thinks he will get the answer he is looking for, and when
the old man comes up to pay for his meal, the manager asks in the usual
way: "How was your meal TODAY, sir?"

The old Jew replies: "It wass goot as usual, but I see you are back to
giving only two slices of bread!"


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Pa and Ma were taking a load of produce into town to sell.
Pa held the reins as the old horse trotted down the road.

Ma said softly, "Pa, hold my hand." Pa obliged.

A bit later, Ma says, "Pa, kiss me?" So he kisses her.

A little further along, she says. "Pa..."

"Damn it. Ma!" snapped Pa. "Get off the cucumbers and sit
on the melons!"

ΣΏΣ--------------FROM THE BATHROOM WALL -------------ΣΏΣ

Divorce is like Espresso, expensive and bitter.

ΣΏΣ-------------------------QUIZ QUEEN------------------------------ΣΏΣ

The British occupied Detroit on November 29, 1760, and took over the other French posts the following year. However, the native people had become quite friendly with the French, and many of them resented the British, who gained a reputation as unscrupulous traders. What was the name of the Indian chief who led the 1763 rebellion against the British?

A. Pontiac
B. Cadillac
C. Camaro
D. Chevrolet

<Answers in Next Issue!>


Last Issue's Answers:

In about 1618 the French explorer Ιtienne Brϋlι, became the first white man to reach Michigan. What was he searching for?

C. A waterway to the Pacific Ocean

QQ: In about 1618 the French explorer Ιtienne Brϋlι, searching for a waterway to the Pacific Ocean, became the first white man to reach Michigan. He was followed by other Frenchmen, including missionaries, traders, and explorers, as fur traders from Canada extended their influence over the Great Lakes region.

© Copyright 2003 Dawggone Communications
Website: http://quizqueen.net

In class, the teacher was discussing starvation. She asked volunteers to
come up to the chalkboard to draw their idea of starvation.

Although Little Johnny was the only kid in class with his hand up the teacher
called on Jose' because she knew better than to call on Little Johnny. So
Jose' went up and drew a round circle on the board with a bunch of dots in
the circle.

The teacher asks him, "What is that Jose'?"

Jose' replied, "Starvation is when all you have for dinner is a bunch of

The teacher said, "That's great Jose', but not quite what I'm looking for."

She called on Suzy next, even though Little Johnny was the only one with his
hand. Suzy went up and drew a circle and only put 2 dots in it. She
explained to the teacher that starvation is only having two peas for dinner.

Again the teacher said, "Well that's great, but not what I was looking for."

Finally she called on Little Johnny even though she knew she'd regret it.
Little Johnny came up and drew a big circle and then draws a bunch of
scribbled lines in it.

The teacher was thinking, well here it comes. She asked, "O.K. Little
Johnny, tell us what your idea of starvation is."

Little Johnny says, "Well, teacher, this circle is a big asshole, and all
these scribbles are cob-webs!"

ΣΏΣ--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------ΣΏΣ

Proctologist Called
<a href=" http://www.buffalosjokes.com/at/33.htm ">Click</a>

Certified Orgasm Expert
<a href=" http://www.buffalosjokes.com/at/34.htm ">Click</a>

Reality 2
<a href=" http://www.buffalosjokes.com/at/35.htm ">Click</a>

Bowel Movers
<a href=" http://www.buffalosjokes.com/at/36.htm ">Click</a>

No Raise For You
<a href=" http://www.buffalosjokes.com/at/37.htm ">Click</a>


A Cowboy from way out in the country was telling
his fellow cowboys back on the ranch about his
first visit to a big-city church. "When I got
there, they had me park my old truck in the
corral," the cowboy began.

"You mean the parking lot," interrupted his friend
Charlie, a more worldly fellow.

"I walked up the trail to the door," the cowboy

"The sidewalk to the door," Charlie corrected

"Inside the door, I was met by this dude," the
cowboy went on.

"That would be the usher," his friend explained.

"Well, the usher led me down the chute," the cowboy

"You mean the aisle," Charlie said.

"Then, he led me to a stall and told me to sit there,"
the cowboy continued.

"Pew," Charlie retorted.

"Yeah," recalled the cowboy. "That's what that pretty
lady said when I sat down beside her."

ΣΏΣ-------------------DAILY TOON FEATURES-------------------ΣΏΣ

If you like funny, wacky, and clean cartoons, then check out
"Strange Breed". It's sure to make you and your whole family

<a href="http://www2.hi.net/s4/strangebreed.htm";>Click</a>

Gus really gets cooking...a new strip each day!
<a href="http://www.guscooks.com/strips.php";>Click</a>

All this and more on my website:

ΣΏΣ---------------DUSTING OFF THE ARCHIVES---------------ΣΏΣ

In an attempt to boost the number of visits to the Purehumour
archives...in each issue I will highlight today's date in the archives
from the past three years...take a look at todays issue in history
to see how Purehumour has evolved and what was funny in the

February 1st 2002:

<a href=" http://www.escribe.com/humor/pj/m794.html ">Click</a>


Do you love PHWeekly? Enough to open your wallet a little?
If you wish to donate to support the continue success of this
ezine...please visit the link below...no amount is too small!
<a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/ph.html ">Click</a>

ΣΏΣ--------------------IT'S NOT PUNNY!------------------------------ΣΏΣ

Cynthia's fine figure had been poured into a beautiful form-fitting gown
and she made a point of calling her date's attention to it over and over
again throughout the evening. Finally, over a nightcap in his apartment
he said, "You've been talking about that dress all evening long. You
called my attention to it first when we met for cocktails, mentioned it
again at dinner, and still again at the theatre. Now that we're here
alone in my penthouse, what do you say we drop the subject?"


<a href=" http://www.humorcorner.com/dmp/hangaroo.html ">Click</a>

Strip BlackJack With Lynne
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/stripbjlynne.html ">Click</a>

Text Twist
<a href=" http://www.humorcorner.com/dmp/texttwist.html ">Click</a>

If They Mated - Jennifer Lopez & Puff Daddy
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/mated4.html ">Click</a>

If They Mated - Liza Minelli & David Guest
<a href=" http://ninasplace.com/018.htm ">Click</a>

Strip BlackJack With Regina
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/stripbjregina.html ">Click</a>


After the wedding at the reception,
the groom got up on stage with a
microphone to talk to the crowd.
He said he wanted to thank everyone
for coming, many from long distances,
to support them at their wedding.

He especially wanted to thank the bride's
and his family and to thank his new father-
in-law for providing such a lavish reception.

As a token of his deep appreciation he
said he wanted to give everyone a special
gift just from him. So taped to the bottom of
everyone's chair, including the wedding party,
was a manila envelope. He said this was his
gift to everyone, and asked them to open their

Inside each manila envelope was an 8x10
glossy of his bride having sex with the best man.
The groom had gotten suspicious of them
weeks earlier and had hired a private detective
to tail them.

After just standing there, just watching the
guests' reactions for a couple of minutes,
he turned to the best man and said,
"F--- you!".

Then he turned to his bride and said,
"F--- you!"

Then he turned to the dumbfounded crowd
and said, "I'm outta here."

He had the marriage annulled first thing
in the morning. While most people would
have canceled the wedding immediately
after finding about the affair, this guy goes
through with the charade, as if nothing
were wrong.

His revenge...making the bride's parents
pay over $32,000 for a 300 guest wedding
and reception, and best of all, trashing the
bride's and best man's reputations in front
of 300 friends and family members.

This guy has balls the size of church bells.

Do you think we might get a MasterCard
"priceless" commercial out of this?

Elegant wedding reception for 300 family
members and friends........$32,000.

Wedding photographs commemorating
the occasion.......................$3,000.

Deluxe two week honeymoon
in Maui...................$8,500.

The look on everyone's face when t
hey see the 8x10 glossy of the bride
doing the best man.............Priceless.

There are some things money can't buy,
for everything else there's MASTERCARD


Get your condoms here!
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The middle-aged man was shuffling along, bent over
at the waist, as his wife helped him into the doctor's
waiting room. A woman in the office viewed the scene
in sympathy. "Arthritis with complications?" she asked.

The wife shook her head, "No. Do-it-yourself," she
explained, "with concrete blocks."

ΣΏΣ--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------ΣΏΣ

Free Ticket
<a href=" http://ugrin.paulsfunhouse.com/phw12.html ">Click</a>

Whats That Smell
<a href=" http://www.pottedpenpals.com/subforma13mug1.html ">Click</a>

Goldilocks & The Three Hairs
<a href=" http://www.footlonghotdog.net/sbgoldilocks.htm ">Click</a>

Human Flag
<a href=" http://www.footlonghotdog.net/hflag.htm ">Click</a>

Attention Please
<a href=" http://www.footlonghotdog.net/attn.htm ">Click</a>

ΣΏΣ-------------------------WEIRD NEWS---------------------------ΣΏΣ

A man's body has been recovered from a tree a year after
it was first spotted by a passer-by who decided not to
report it.

The passer-by saw the body partly hidden by leaves 40ft
up the tree in Olympia, Washington State.

However, it's reported that the man didn't report the
sighting because he was wanted by police.

The man saw the body was still in the tree after returning
to the area this week.

This time he called police who are trying to figure out how
the body got into the tree and how long it had been there.

"Right now we just don't know a whole lot. We just know it
was a heck of a time getting him down," said Thurston County
Deputy Coroner Terry Harper.

Harper said one detective is a tree trimmer in his spare time
and added he used his equipment to cut away the branches and
lower the body.

Weird News is a daily feature of Purehumour...it contains
a previously published News Report. If you find an article
that you wish to see here..please send the article, name of
the publication and date to:
<a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">News</a>
IF you like Weird News...subscribe to my weekly ezine of
Weird News Weekly:
<a href=" http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com ">Lists</a>

A little girl and a little boy were at day care. The girl
approaches the boy and says, "Hey Tommy, wanna play house?"

He says, "Sure! What do you want me to do?"

The girl replies, "I want you to communicate your thoughts."

"Communicate my thoughts?" said a bewildered Tommy. "I have no
idea what that means."

The little girl smirks and says, "Perfect. You can be the husband."

ΣΏΣ-------------------------QUICK WIT-------------------------------ΣΏΣ

[||||] K I D V I D [||||]

"An attorney for Paul Reubens (Pee Wee Herman) filed a motion Friday to
drop charges against him, arguing the actor's erotica collection is
'historical'." ((USA/1/27)

What, like he has photos of Ike and his mistress playing "Chambermaid
and Supreme Allied Commander"?

Copyright © 2003 by Bob Mills, all rights reserved.

The blind date hadn't been all that great and she was relieved the
evening was finally over. At her apartment door, he suddenly said,
"Hey! You wanna see my underwear?"

Before she could respond, he had dropped his pants, right there in
the hall, revealing that he wasn't wearing any underwear.

She glanced down and said, "Nice design,....
does it also come in men's sizes?"


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A sheriff wants to seize a customized D.A.R.E. motorcycle,
saying the man who won it in a raffle rode the bike
emblazoned with anti-drug messages to make a drug deal.

''We tried to advertise the D.A.R.E. program and 'Say no,' ''
said Ross County Sheriff Ron Nichols. ''Unfortunately, this
gentleman didn't take heed to what it said on the side of
the bike.''

Nichols said Pearl Blazer, 54, of Frankfort won the $50,000
Harley-Davidson in a sheriff's office raffle in 1999 to raise
money for the office's Drug Abuse Resistance Education program.

Blazer was indicted Feb. 22 and charged with one count of drug
trafficking. He is accused of selling an ounce of marijuana to
an undercover deputy on July 9.

Nichols said he will to try to seize the bike, a procedure
common in drug cases, after Blazer's criminal case is resolved.


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How do we know men invented maps?

Who else would make an inch into a mile?




My wife and I recently took our baby girl, Lekha, to a
hospital emergency room. It was the middle of the night and
we couldn't get her to stop crying, so we thought something
was seriously wrong. Forgive us, we're first-time parents
and our imaginations tend to run wild. Did she swallow a
loose thread in her blanket? Is she too young to eat fiber?
Will it leave her stomach in a knot?

We thought we'd find answers at the hospital, but we'd have
been better off taking Lekha to our mechanic. Not that the
doctor didn't try. He checked her pulse and pressure, even
took X-rays. After Lekha had calmed down, the doctor
shrugged and said, "Perhaps it was gas," a diagnosis that
sounded eerily similar to a recent one from our mechanic.

Lekha didn't cry on the way home, but I burst into tears,
realizing we had been blessed, beyond doubt, with another
hospital bill. Despite having health insurance, we'd have to
cough up $115. That's because our health plan is called
"managed care" and we're never quite sure when our insurance
company will manage to care. Some hospital visits are fully
covered, others are not, and to figure it out, you need a
degree in quantum physics.

Even so, we're thankful we have health insurance, for we
know that so many people don't. In this rich and powerful
country, a shameful 41 million lack health insurance,
according to 2001 Census Bureau figures. The ailing
healthcare system is further burdened by millions of illegal
aliens who can't afford hospital visits, not to mention all
the money that's being spent on Dick Cheney's heart attacks.

Bill and Hillary Clinton tried to fix the system, but the
only thing they managed to fix was their cat. Thankfully,
President Bush seems just as concerned about America's

Reporter: "Mr. President, would you please explain your
health plan?"

Bush: "Well, it has three important components. First and
foremost, we must eliminate the primary threat to our
health, a threat known to everyone as Saddam Hussein. He is
a cancer on our nation. We must operate on him as soon as
possible. Second, we must make a commitment to rid the world
of weapons of mass destruction, especially the ones that
don't belong to us. As long as such weapons exist, our
health is at risk. And finally, we must provide tax cuts for
ordinary Americans such as Ted Turner and Bill Gates.
Without tax relief, they will never be able to feel healthy.
As the old saying goes, wealth is health."

Unless you're one of the 41 million who lack health
insurance, it's easy to believe that overhauling the
healthcare system isn't as important as, say, providing
government funds for a scientific study to determine why
monkeys scratch themselves. After all, the study might have
a huge impact on our understanding of baseball.

Unless you're one of the unlucky ones, you may believe that
only certain classes of people deserve health coverage, the
ones who need it the least, the ones who drive around in
Jaguars and BMWs, saying, "Who cares about America's health
system? We've got a great wealth system."

Unless you're one of the unlucky ones, you may even believe
that hospitals are cheap, doctors are underpaid, and Santa
Claus delivers prescription drugs.

"Merry Christmas! Anybody want some Prozac? It'll make you
forget you have no health insurance!"

(c) Copyright 2003 Melvin Durai. All Rights Reserved.

Melvin Durai is an Indiana-based writer and
humorist. A native of India, he grew up in Zambia
and moved to the U.S. in the early 1980s. Read his
previous columns at http://www.melvindurai.com
For a free subscription to his columns,
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