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Diary of a digital homeowner
The future of digital living.
Nov 28, 1995:
Moved in to my new digitally-maxed out Hermosa Beach house at last.
Finally, we live in the smartest house in the neighborhood.
Everything's
networked. The cable TV is connected to our phone, which is connected
to
my personal computer, which is connected to the power lines, all the
appliances and the security system. Everything runs off a universal
remote
with the friendliest interface I've ever used. Programming is a snap.
I'm
like, totally wired.
Nov 30: Hot Stuff! Programmed my VCR from the office, turned up the
thermostat and switched on the lights with the car phone, remotely
weaked
the oven a few degrees for my pizza. Everything nice & cozy when I
arrived. Maybe I should get the universal remote surgically attached.
Dec 1: Had to call the SmartHouse people today about bandwidth
problems.
The TV drops to about 2 frames/second when I'm talking on the phone.
They
insist it's a problem with the cable company's compression algorithms.
How
do they expect me to order things from the Home Shopping Channel?
Dec 8: Got my first SmartHouse invoice today and was unpleasantly
surprised. I suspect the cleaning woman of reading Usenet from the
washing
machine interface when I'm not here. She must be downloading a lot of
GIFs
from the binary groups, because packet charges were through the roof on
the invoice.
Dec 3: Yesterday, the kitchen CRASHED. Freak event. As I opened the
refrigerator door, the light bulb blew. Immediately, everything else
electrical shut down -- lights, microwave, coffee maker -- everything.
Carefully unplugged and replugged all the appliances. Nothing.
Call the cable company (but not from the kitchen phone). They refer me
to
the utility. The utility insists that the problem is in the software.
So
the software company runs some remote telediagnostics via my house
processor. Their expert system claims it has to be the utility's fault.
I
don't care, I just want my kitchen back. More phone calls; more remote
diag's.
Turns out the problem was "unanticipated failure mode": The network had
never seen a refrigerator bulb failure while the door was open. So the
fuzzy logic interpreted the burnout as a power surge and shut down the
entire kitchen. But because sensor memory confirmed that there hadn't
actually been a power surge, the kitchen logic sequence was confused
and
it couldn't do a standard restart. The utility guy swears this was the
first time this has ever happened. Rebooting the kitchen took over an
hour.
Dec 7: The police are not happy. Our house keeps calling them for help.
We
discover that whenever we play the TV or stereo above 25 decibels, it
creates patterns of micro-vibrations that get amplified when they hit
the
window. When these vibrations mix with a gust of wind, the security
sensors are actuated, and the police computer concludes that someone is
trying to break in. Go figure.
Another glitch: Whenever the basement is in self-diagnostic mode, the
universal remote won't let me change the channels on my TV. That means
I
actually have to get up off the couch and change the channels by hand.
The
software and the utility people say this flaw will be fixed in the next
upgrade -- SmartHouse 2.1. But it's not ready yet.
Finally, I'm starting to suspect that the microwave is secretly tuning
into the cable system to watch Baywatch. The unit is completely
inoperable
during that same hour. I guess I can live with that. At least the
blender
is not tuning in to old I Love Lucy episodes.
Dec 9: I just bought the new Microsoft Home. Took 93 gigabytes of
storage,
but it will be worth it, I think. The house should be much easier to
use
and should really do everything. I had to sign a second mortgage over
to
Microsoft, but I don't mind: I don't really own my house now--it's
really
the bank. Let them deal with Microsoft.
Dec 10: I'm beginning to have doubts about Microsoft House. I keep
getting
an hour glass symbol showing up when I want to run the dishwasher.
Dec 12: This is a nightmare. There's a virus in the house. My personal
computer caught it while browsing on the public access network. I come
home and the living room is a sauna, the bedroom windows are covered
with
ice, the refrigerator has defrosted, the washing machine has flooded
the
basement, the garage door is cycle up and down and the TV is stuck on
the
home shopping channel. Through- out the house, lights flicker like
stroboscopes until they explode from the strain. Broken glass is
everywhere. Of course, the security sensors detect nothing.
I look at a message slowly throbing on my personal computer screen:
WELCOME TO HomeWrecker!!! NOW THE FUN BEGINS ... (Be it ever so humble,
there's no virus like the HomeWrecker...).
Dec 18: They think they've digitally disinfected the house, but the
place
is a shambles. Pipes have burst and we're not completely sure we've got
the part of the virus that attacks toilets. Nevertheless, the Exorcists
(as the anti-virus SWAT team members like to call themselves) are
confident the worst is over. "HomeWrecker is pretty bad" one he tells
me,
"but consider yourself lucky you didn't get PolterGeist. That one is
really evil."
Dec 19: Apparently, our house isn't insured for viruses. "Fires and
mudslides, yes," says the claims adjuster. "Viruses, no." My agreement
with the SmartHouse people explicitly states that all claims and
warranties are null and void if any appliance or computer in my house
networks in any way, shape or form with a non-certified on-line
service.
Everybody's very, very, sorry, but they can't be expected to anticipate
every virus that might be created.
We call our lawyer. He laughs. He's excited!
Dec 21: I get a call from a SmartHouse sales rep. As a special holiday
offer, we get the free opportunity to become a beta site for the
company's
new SmartHouse 2.1 upgrade. He says I'll be able to meet the
programmers
personally. "Sure," I tell him.
[],
1.000ton
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