YEAR 2000

  There are now three things in life that you can't avoid:

    Death, taxes, and the Year 2000.


  What are Y2K analysts and programmers gonna do after Year 2000?

    Become expert witnesses.


 From a recent Techweb article:

  "Microsoft has announced a solution for the year 2000 problem.
   It will be released in 2004."


  What did John say back in '98 when asked by his friend Kaye,
  "How many years until the Millennium Meltdown, John?"

    "Y 2, K"


  Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?

    A: To sign up for COBOL classes. 


Thanks FNM
---


                        SURVIVAL LIST FOR Y2K

  1. Fatten up your closest friends. You may need them later...

  2. Run to the bank and withdraw as much cash as you can carry. Be
     sure to yell, "I'm going to the bank to withdraw as much cash as
     I can carry."

  3. Have a ski mask and baseball bat handy. You won't want to miss
     out on all the looting fun.

  4. Dig an underground bomb shelter. If there is no nuclear disaster,
     at least you'll have an underground bomb shelter. How cool is
     that?!

  5. Protect your water supply. Put a drop of yellow food coloring in
     every container.

  6. Get some carrier pigeons. They'll be your best form of
     communication.  They also taste like chicken.

  7. Get one of those Indiglo Watches. When we have the big power
     failure who's gonna know what time it is? You are, that's who.

  8. Buy lots of Spam. It will be the world's new currency.

  9. Punch a computer programmer.  Why?   Why not.

 10. Have plenty of clean towels. It's not specific to any millennia
     disaster, but when have you ever not needed clean towels?

 11. Get used to changing the channel by hand. Remote controls will
     be totally inoperable.

 12. Stock up on cat food. No, it's not for feeding cats - It's for
     catching them - if you know what I mean.

 13. Have plenty of sharp #2 pencils on hand. Due to computing errors,
     you may have to retake your SAT or ACT.

 14. Throw out your microwave and VCR. On January 1st, they may come
     alive and try to kill you.

 15. Collect all the spoons you can. Why? Because right now spoons
     are everywhere. But after January 1st, who knows?

 16. Move to Canada. Nothing bad ever happens to those guys.

 17. Visit a fertility clinic. It may be up to you alone to replenish
     the earth.

 18. Make friends with the Amish. Because after December 31st, we're
     all Amish.

 19. Hunker down. Then hunker down some more. We just like to say
     "Hunker Down."  Try it, you'll like it.

 20. Break in your kids that the world may end. Start by telling them
     there is no Santa Claus. That way, the news won't seem so bad.

 21. Save all your Christmas wrapping. It doubles as toilet paper.

 22. Crawl into the fetal position and practice screaming: "We're all
     gonna die. We're all gonna die."

 23. Stock up on earplugs so you don't have to listen to "We're gonna
     party like it's 1999" one more time!


                    WISHES FOR THE NEW MILLENNIUM

 May your hair, your teeth, your face-lift, your abs, and your stocks
 not fall; and may your blood pressure, your triglycerides, your
 cholesterol, your white blood count and your mortgage interest not
 rise.

 May you get a clean bill of health from your dentist, your
 cardiologist, your gastroenterologist, your urologist, your
 proctologist, your podiatrist, your psychiatrist, your plumber, and
 the IRS.

 May you find a way to travel from anywhere to anywhere during rush
 hour in less than an hour, and when you get there may you find a
 parking space.

 May Friday evening, December 31, find you seated around the dinner
 table, together with your beloved family and cherished friends,
 ushering in the New Year ahead. You will find the food better, the
 environment quieter, the cost much cheaper, and the pleasure much more
 fulfilling than anything else you might ordinarily do that night.

 May you wake up on January 1 finding that the world has not come to an
 end, the lights work, the water faucets flow, and the sky has not
 fallen.

 May you go to the bank on Monday morning, January 3 and find your
 account is in order, your money is still there, and any mistakes are
 in your favor.

 May you ponder on January 4, "How did this ultramodern civilization of
 ours manage to get itself traumatized by a possible slip of a blip on
 a chip made out of sand?"

 May you have the strength to go through a year of presidential
 campaigning, and may some of the promises made be kept. May you
 believe at least half of what the candidates propose, and may those
 elected fulfill at least half of what they promise, and the miracle of
 reducing taxes and balancing budgets happen.

 May what you see in the mirror delight you, and what others see in you
 delight them.

 May the telemarketers wait to make their sales calls until you finish
 dinner, may your checkbook and your budget balance, and may they
 include generous amounts for your church and charities.

 May you remember to say "I love you" at least once a day to your
 spouse, your child, and your parent(s). You can say it to your
 secretary, your nurse, your butcher, your photographer, your masseuse,
 your seamstress, your hairdresser or your tennis instructor, but not
 with a "twinkle" in your eye.

 May we live as intended, in a world at peace with the awareness of the
 beauty in every sunset, every flower's unfolding petals, every baby's
 smile and every wonderful, astonishing, miraculous beat of our heart.

 And, may you forward this on to someone that could use a smile and a
 laugh to brighten their day.

 Bless you with every happiness, great health peace, and much love
 during the next year and all those that follow.


Thanks to Joker's Daily Laughs 
<http://www.jokemaster.iwarp.com/>www.jokemaster.iwarp.com
-------

PERSONAL NOTE:

 It would appear we all survived the Y2K thing. I know I should have
 sent this info out sooner, but I didn't want to start a panic!  I
 trust everyone enjoyed their New Year festivities... should I have
 sent the hangover remedies?  I've been saving my best fireworks from
 Tennessee, just for the occasion - I put on quite a neighborhood show.

 Unfortunately, my wife and both kids got a nasty virus and I was
 busy taking them to the doctor and pharmacist on Monday.  8 bottles
 of medicine!  THEY must have caught a Y2K bug, or something.  Even
 the cat coughed up a fur ball. I'm doing my best to avoid it, (no,
 not the fur ball!) but we all know what's going to happen.  Sara (8)
 came up with a gem when I handed her some cough medicine, "But
 Daddy, we're supposed to say 'NO' to drugs."

 Having lived in Miami for almost 18 years, I've concluded we have only
 two seasons: Hurricane and Flu!  Neither of which we can do a hellofa
 lot about.   I'm starting the year off right; I haven't been able to
 reply to my mail.  But I'd like to thank all who sent their greetings.

(fonte: JokeMaster.com)
 
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