On Your Way to the Camps, I Just Want You to Know…
(What follows is satire written in the voice of a character. The views of 
that character are not shared by the author. This note provided in case 
that’s not completely flipping obvious.)

I don’t have anything against Muslims or immigrants, and I didn’t believe 
him when he said he would round you all up and send you out of the country. 
I thought he’d stop at the national registry.

I was just tired of the two party system controlling our country and I felt 
like the Democrats were putting up yet another career politician who was 
pretending to care about “average people,” who would just say anything to 
get elected. And I’d read a lot of stuff about her emails and her charity 
and it all was just clear evidence that she is yet another corporate shill 
masquerading as a liberal. I just couldn’t will myself to vote for her and 
so I voted Stein. She’s from the Green Party, and it’s time we make a 

And I remember thinking that might have been a mistake on the week they 
opened the national registry, and they started making you carry ID cards 
and wearing special badges on your clothes if you weren’t one of the people 
who dressed like a typical Muslim (for a while they thought all of you wore 
scarves, or turbans or those little beanie things).

And I remember how surprised I was when they made people who were legal 
Mexicans wear special badges too to prevent the deportation squads from 
wasting time checking their papers. I have a lot of friends with Mexican 
last names who have to wear their citizenship license pin and carry their 
papers now, even though they’re fifth generation American — further back 
than me. It’s a pain in the ass, but most days no one bothers them.

My point is, I know it’s been especially hard for you Muslims and I’m sorry 
about that. I was pretty sure the Supreme Court would block him from doing 
any of this. I thought the very idea was so un-American there was no way 
he’d get away with it. But once he packed the court, they found it was 
legal, so, what’s to be done? It is American now.

I remember when Clinton was speaking out against the registry. A lot of us 
showed up in Washington to protest against it — see, I didn’t abandon you 
completely — and she was there. And standing there on the Mall, listening 
to her, it occurred to me… I couldn’t stand her voice, honestly. That 
cackle of a laugh. I hated her old-lady face, which reminded me so much of 
my mother’s — and I had a complicated relationship with my mother.

So, on your way to the camps, I want you to know that I just couldn’t get 
myself to vote for that woman because I hated everything about her. I’m 
sorry you’re going to have to live in a detention center for a while, but 
her voice, you’ll have to agree, is really irritating. Hopefully they let 
you out in two to three years when we figure this all out, like he promised.
On Your Way to Prison for That Miscarriage, I Just Want You to Know…

I didn’t really take seriously that he would add criminal punishments for 
abortions, like he said he would, or that he would back the “life begins at 
conception,” movement in your state. When they started opening inquests 
after every miscarriage and arresting women for suspicious womb activities, 
I thought maybe I’d made a mistake, but at the end of the day, there’s 
nothing I can do about how awful you people in the South and the Midwest 
are. If you want to live in a place where you have rights, just save up 
some of your Wal-Mart paychecks and move to California.

You see, I’m tired of politics as usual and I refuse to be held hostage by 
the two party system any longer. I feel like this country needed a new 
direction, a real shake up. I mean, I didn’t vote for the guy myself, but I 
understand why people did, and as for me, I wanted to see some real change 
happen in this country and I got my wish. I don’t have a womb and won’t 
ever be arrested for suspicious activities inside of it, but I really do 
empathize with you that this is the kind of change we can do without.

On the other hand, we’ve started construction on the wall.

Anyway, I want you to know that I needed to express my frustration with the 
political system and with the choices we were presented with by the 
corporate oligarchy and it’s not my fault you’ve been imprisoned. You 
likely should have been more careful. I know they banned birth control in 
your state, but maybe you should have ordered some online from Canada, you 
know? Or just not had sex. I mean, I’m as sex-positive as the next guy, but 
you knew the potential consequences.
On Your Way to Your Court Martial, I Just Want You to Know…

I appreciate that you refused to follow the order to indiscriminately bomb 
that village. I’ve always felt sorry for people who have to serve in our 
military — I mean, I get that for someone like you, it’s a way out of 
poverty. We both know that you were forced into serving in the military 
because you’re poor and it has next to nothing to do with your love of 
country, so I was really impressed that a poor, uneducated kid like you 
decided to take a stand and refuse to follow orders.

I know he promised during the campaign to order you to commit war crimes, 
and you could argue that as a citizen it was really up to me to hear that 
and vote against him, but a friend of mine posted about the email server 
and how it was hacked (turns out that wasn’t true — oops) and that her 
foundation was used to peddle influence (not true either. Oh well). I 
thought these things were disqualifying. I know, I could have read one of 
the many pieces telling me that these were made up controversies — my 
Democrat friends kept telling me to read them — but she’s a crook like the 
rest of them, so I couldn’t allow myself to vote for her. That’s just my 
politics. I have to be true to myself.

In a way, I think we can agree that I was taking a brave stand, just like 
you were taking a brave stand by refusing to bomb that village. I could 
have been your first line of defense against a Commander-in-Chief who 
promised on multiple occasions to violate the Geneva Conventions, but I had 
to stick with my principles. I hope you can respect that, soldier.

But anyway, I wanted to say thank you for, yet again, bearing the burden 
and defending this country. In this case by refusing to follow illegal 
orders. I hope the judges are lenient.
On Your Way to Your Son’s Funeral, I Just Want You to Know…

I didn’t believe him when he said he’d increase the policing in black 
neighborhoods. When he said he’d make sure that cops weren’t prosecuted for 
cases like your son’s — and I get it, it was a bottle of Snapple and an 
orange water pistol, but you shouldn’t have allowed him to own anything 
that even looks slightly like a gun. You know what kind of world it is out 
there for people of color. This is a racist country, just like Dr. Stein 
always says, and you should have been more careful.

Besides, I and my friends did warn you that if you nominated Clinton, we’d 
never vote for her. So really, this is on you.

Despite that, I want you to know that yes, I get it. Your kid is dead, and 
that’s a tragedy. But we should have more choices in our political 
campaigns. And maybe in four or eight or twelve years, we’ll have better 
candidates and we can all vote for someone we really believe in.

Well, except for your son. Sorry about that.
On Your Way to the Voting Booth, I Just Want You to Know…

The stories above don’t have to be about you. Your story isn’t written yet. 
Consider this the ghost of election day future.

Hillary Clinton will make a great president. She has spent a career 
fighting for workers, for moms, for kids. I can literally inundate you with 
links demonstrating these facts.

But it you aren’t planning to vote for her right now, despite that lengthy 
career, my guess is it’s because you wouldn’t believe anything in any of 
those links. My guess is that you’ve decided you don’t believe anything 
Clinton says, nor do you believe any of the mountains of evidence 
demonstrating she will be a great president.

Okay. Then all I want to ask you to do is believe that Donald Trump is who 
he says he is. Believe he’ll do what he says he’ll do. And then compare the 
two: the Clinton of your imagination (the person you think she really is 
despite any evidence I might provide) and the Trump we see every day. You 
cannot imagine a Clinton who will do more harm to our country than Donald 
Trump is promising to do.

Read any Trump speech. Please. You have to decide he doesn’t mean any of 
the things he says in order to even take the slightest risk of him becoming 
president. He has promised to:

   - Deport all illegal immigrants
   - Create a national registry of Muslims and bar them from the country
   - Increase the militarization of the police
   - Start a trade war with China
   - Torture
   - Violate the Geneva Conventions, including intentionally murdering the 
   wives and children of suspected terrorists
   - Create criminal penalties for women seeking abortions

Trump, even with his current “rally” in the polls is at around 44–45%. That 
means we can beat him pretty easily, but it requires you to vote for 
Clinton. There isn’t another option this year. I know that’s unfair to you. 
But you can’t rationally compare the two of them as being in the same 
ballpark of “evil” no matter what you believe about her.

And as unfair as it might be that you have to vote for Clinton, whom you 
dislike so much, think about the millions of people who will have something 
far worse happen to them if we elect President Trump.

On your way to the voting booth, I just want you to know that you can stop 
stories like these from happening. Your country needs you. The world needs 
you. You know what to do.

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