Grammy Awards we'd like to see
RICK MITCHELL
* 02/24/99
Houston Chronicle
(Copyright 1999)
Tonight's Grammy Awards celebrate the best, or at least the
biggest, pop music had to offer in the past year.
Not all of this year's 95 Grammy category winners will make it
onto the televised portion of the program. Here's a sampling of "not
ready for prime time" nominees in categories we'd like to see.
The "Bono" award for acceptance speech most likely to require a
parental warning sticker: Marilyn Manson; Courtney Love; Ani
DiFranco; Wu Tang Clan's O.D.B; Rage Against the Machine.
The "Don't Nobody Care" award for categories in which Lauryn Hill
is not nominated: Best Rock Instrumental Performance; Best New Age
Album; Best Instrumental Composition Written for Motion Picture or
Television; Best Album Notes; Best Engineered Album, Classical.
The "Boy Power" award for token-male album of the year nominees:
Garbage men Butch Vig, Duke Erikson and Steve Marker; Shania Twain
husband/producer Robert "Mutt" Lange; Lauryn Hill boyfriend Rohan
Marley; Madonna's ex-boyfriend, whatever his name was.
The "Soy Bomb" award for artist most deserving of a cream-pie-in-
the-face: Celine Dion; Andrae Bocelli and Celine Dion; R. Kelly and
Celine Dion; Luciano Pavarotti and Celine Dion; Bono, with or without
Celine Dion.
The "LL Cool J Give Us Prime Time Next Year Or We Boycott" award:
Polka nominees Brave Combo, Lenny Gomulka, Walter Ostanek, Del
Sinchak, Jimmy Sturr.
The "Hanson" award for being allowed to stay up late on a school
night: Brandy; Monica; the Backstreet Boys; the Sesame Street
Muppets; the members of Kiss.
The "Axl" award for people who should not be left in the same room
together: Brandy and Monica; Courtney Love and Eddie Vedder; Courtney
Love and Madonna; Courtney Love and Billy Corgan; Courtney Love and
Courtney Love.
The "We'll Take Our Five Against Y'all's Five" award for strongest
lineup of nominees: Contemporary folk album nominees Billy Bragg &
* Wilco, Steve Earle, Emmylou Harris, Lyle Lovett and Lucinda Williams.
The "Alamo" award for Texans who are making a stand: La Mafia, the
Dixie Chicks, Kirk Franklin, Erykah Badu, Fastball.
The "Domenico Modugno" award for reminding us that the Grammys
still don't quite get it: Record of the year nominees Brandy & Monica
(The Boy Is Mine), Celine Dion (My Heart Will Go On), Goo Goo Dolls
(Iris), Madonna (Ray of Light) and Shania Twain (You're Still the
One). If these are really the five overall best records of the year,
then Modugno's Volare really was a more worthy choice than Elvis
Presley's Heartbreak Hotel back in 1958.
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