From: Eddie M 

Dear Employee: 

As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for department areas, 
we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel. 

Under this plan, older employees will be asked to take early 
retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger people who 
represent our future. Therefore, a program to phase out older 
personnel by the end of the current fiscal year, via retirement, 
will be placed into effect immediately. 

This program will be known as SLAP (Sever Late-Aged Personnel). 
Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for 
jobs outside the company. 

SLAPPED employees can request a review of their employment records 
before actual retirement takes place. This review phase of the 
program is called SCREW. 

SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers). All 
employees who have been SLAPPED and SCREWED may file an appeal with upper 

This appeal is called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority Following 

Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may be SLAPPED once, SCREWED 
twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the company deems appropriate. 

If an employee follows the above procedure, he/she will be entitled 
to get: HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early 
Severance) or CLAP (Combined Lump sum Assistance Payment). 

As HERPES and CLAP are considered benefit plans, any employee who 
has received HERPES or CLAP will no longer be SLAPPED or SCREWED by the 

Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on 
board that the company will continue its policy of training 
employees through our: 

Special High Intensity Training (SHIT). We take pride in the amount 
of SHIT our employees receive. We have given our employees more SHIT than any 
company in this area. If any employee feels they do not receive enough SHIT on 
the job, see your immediate supervisor. 

Your supervisor is specially trained to make sure you receive all 
the SHIT you can stand. 

And, once again, thanks for all your years of service with us


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

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