----- Original Message ----- From: <[EMAIL PROTECTED]> To: <[EMAIL PROTECTED]> Sent: Wednesday, February 09, 2000 12:36 PM Subject: ITS HERE!!! Darwin Awards... > > The 1999 Darwin Awards > > > The true high point of the year has arrived. Yes, it is the 1999 Darwin > Awards. For those sheltered few of you who are not fully aware of the > Darwin Awards; these awards are given annually (and posthumously) to > those individuals who did the most for the human gene pool by removing > themselves from it. > > > GRAVITY KILLS > > A 22-year-old Reston, Va., man was found dead after he tried to use > luggage straps (the stretchy little ropes with hooks on each end) to > bungee jump off a 70-foot railroad trestle, police said. > > Fairfax County, Va., police said Eric A. Barcia, a fast-food worker, > taped a bunch of these straps together, wrapped an end around one foot, > anchored the other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped... > and hit the pavement. Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said > investigators think Barcia was alone because his car was found nearby. > "The length of the cord that he had assembled was greater than the > distance between the trestle and the ground," Carmichael said. > > Police say the apparent cause of death was "major trauma." An autopsy > was scheduled for later in the week. > > > LAUNCHED ON THE FOURTH OF JULY > > Three young men in Oklahoma were enjoying the upcoming Fourth of July > holiday and apparently wanted to test fire some fireworks. Their only > real problem was that their launch pad and seating arrangements were > atop a several-hundred-thousand-gallon fuel distillation storage tank. > Oddly enough, some fumes were ignited, producing a fireball seen for > miles. They were launched several hundred feet into the air and were > found dead 250 yards from their respective seats. > > > DON'T ASK GOD TO PROVE HIMSELF, HE JUST MIGHT > > A lawyer and two buddies were fishing on Caddo Lake in Texas when a > lightning storm hit the lake. Most of the other boats immediately > headed for the shore, but not our friend the lawyer. Alone on the rear > of his aluminum bass boat with his buddies, this individual stood up, > spread his arms wide (crucifixion style) and shouted: "HERE I AM LORD, > LET ME HAVE IT!" Needless to say, God delivered. The other two > passengers on the boat survived the lightning strike with minor burns. > > > CATCH! > > A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. "Big deal" you may say, > but there's a twist here that makes him a candidate. It seems he and a > friend were playing catch with a rattlesnake. You can guess what > happened from here. > > The friend (a future Darwin Awards candidate) was hospitalized. > > > GIMME A LIGHT! > > In a west Texas town, employees in a medium-sized warehouse noticed the > smell of gas. Sensibly, management evacuated the building, extinguishing > all potential sources of ignition-lights, power, etc. After the > building had been evacuated, two technicians from the gas company were > dispatched. Upon entering the building, they found they had difficulty > navigating in the dark. > > To their frustration, none of the lights worked. Witnesses later > described the vision of one of the technicians reaching into his pocket > and retrieving an object that resembled a lighter. Upon operation of the > lighter-like object, the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces > of it up to three miles away. > > Nothing was found of the technicians, but the lighter was virtually > untouched by the explosion. The technician that was suspected of > causing the explosion had never been thought of as "bright" by his > peers. > > > THEY SAY THOSE THINGS WILL KILL YOU > > Not much was given to me on this unlucky fellow, but he qualifies > nonetheless. You see, there was a gentleman from South Korea who was > killed by his cell phone... more or less. He was doing the usual walking > and talking when he walked into a tree and managed to somehow break his > neck. Keep that in mind the next time you decide to drive and dial at > the same time. > > > AND THE 1999 DARWIN AWARD WINNER IS...THOMPSON, MANITOBA, CANADA > > Telephone relay company night watchman Edward Baker, 31, was killed > early Christmas morning by excessive microwave radiation exposure. He > was apparently attempting to keep warm next to a telecommunications > feed. > > Baker had been suspended on a safety violation once last year, according > to Northern Manitoba Signal Relay spokesperson Tanya Cooke. She noted > that Baker's earlier infraction was for defeating a safety shutoff > switch and entering a restricted maintenance catwalk in order to stand > in front of the microwave dish. He had told coworkers that it was the > only way he could stay warm during his twelve-hour shift at the station, > where winter temperatures often dip to forty below zero Fahrenheit > (which also is forty below zero Celsius). Microwaves can heat water > molecules within human tissue in the same way that they heat food in > microwave ovens. For his Christmas shift, Baker reportedly brought a > twelve pack of beer and a plastic lawn chair, which he positioned > directly in line with the strongest microwave beam. Baker > had not been told about a tenfold boost in microwave power planned that > night to handle the anticipated increase in holiday long-distance > calling traffic. > > Baker's body was discovered by the daytime watchman, John Burns, who was > greeted by an odor he mistook for a Christmas roast he thought Baker > must have prepared as a surprise. Burns also reported to NMSR company > officials that Baker's unfinished beers had exploded. > > > HONORABLE MENTION (He did not succeed in dying, but made a strong > effort) > > A Vermont native, Ronald Demuth, found himself in a difficult position > yesterday. While touring the Eagle's Rock African Safari (a zoo) with a > group of thespians from St. Petersburg, Russia, Mr. Demuth went > overboard to show them one of America's many marvels. He demonstrated > the effectiveness of Crazy Glue... the hard way. > > Apparently, Mr. Demuth wanted to demonstrate just how good the adhesive > was, so he put about 3 ounces of the adhesive in the palms of his hands, > and jokingly placed them on the buttocks of a passing rhino. The rhino, > a resident of the zoo for the thirteen years, was not startled > initially, as it has been part of the petting exhibit since its arrival > as a baby. However, once it became aware of its being involuntarily > stuck to Mr. Demuth, it began to panic and ran around the petting area > wildly making Mr. Demuth an unintended passenger. > > "Sally [the rhino] hasn't been feeling well lately. She had been very > constipated. We had just given her a laxative and some depressants to > relax her bowels, when Mr. Demuth played his juvenile prank," said James > Douglass, caretaker. During Sally's tirade two fences were destroyed, a > shed wall was gored, and a number of small animals escaped. Also, > during the stampede, three pygmy goats and one duck were stomped to > death. > > As for Demuth, it took a team of medics and zoo caretakers to remove his > hands from her buttocks. First, the animal had to be captured and > calmed down. However, during this process the laxatives began to take > hold and Mr. Demuth was repeatedly showered with over 30 gallons of > rhino diarrhea. "It was tricky. We had to calm her down, while at the > same time shield our faces from being pelted with rhino dung. I guess > you could say that Mr. Demuth was into it up to his neck. Once she was > under control, we had three people with shovels working to keep an air > passage open for Mr. Demuth. We were able to tranquilize her and apply > a solvent to remove his hands from her rear," said Douglass. I don't > think he'll be playing with Crazy Glue for a while." > > Meanwhile, the Russians, while obviously amused, also were impressed > with the power of the adhesive. "I'm going to buy some for my children, > but of course they can't take it to the zoo," commented Vladimir > Zolnikov, leader of the troupe. > > > > ADDENDUM -- (Not herself a Darwin Award candidate, but of note in our > list of stupid and morbid events) > > > CLEANER POLISHES OFF PATIENTS > > "For several months, our nurses have been baffled to find a patient dead > in the same bed every Friday morning" a spokeswoman for the Pelonomi > Hospital (Free State, South Africa) told reporters. "There was no > apparent cause for any of the deaths, and extensive checks on the air > conditioning system, and a search for possible bacterial infection, > failed to reveal any clues." > > "However, further inquiries have now revealed the cause of these > deaths... It seems that every Friday morning a cleaning lady would > enter the ward, remove the plug that powered the patient's life support > system, plug her floor polisher into the vacant socket, then go about > her business." "When she had finished her chores, she would plug the > life support machine back in and leave, unaware that the patient was now > dead. She could not, after all, hear the screams and eventual death > rattle over the whirring of her polisher..." > > "We are sorry, and have sent a strong letter to the cleaner in question. > Further, the Free State Health and Welfare Department is arranging for > an electrician to fit an extra socket so there should be no repetition > of this incident. The inquiry is now closed." (Interview taken from the > Cape Times newspaper). > > ---------------------------------------------------------------- This is the Neither public email list, open for the public and general discussion. To unsubscribe click here Mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED]?Subject=unsubscribe To subscribe click here Mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED]?Subject=subscribe For information on [EMAIL PROTECTED] http://www.neither.org/lists/public-list.htm For archives http://www.mail-archive.com/[email protected]
